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Am I being a jerk?

Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 3rd September 2017, 1:17 PM   #1
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Am I being a jerk?

Before I start I just want to let everyone know I'm open to criticism and I'm here to
Seek honest advice not just what people think I would like to hear. So I have been happily married to a great man for the past two years. My husband and I don't argue about typical marital problems such as infidelity and finances. Our biggest strife is.... here it comes.... my mother in law.

I will start by saying one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was because he is such a good family man. My husband is the only child his parents are divorced dad is happily remarried and mom is not

With that being said my husband is 100 percent the emotional rock for his mother. He tells me all the time that he is the ONLY thing in this world that makes his mother happy. Although she has a great job and has many family and friends around her. Even her parents live next to her and are in their 80s and are doing very well.

My mother in law doesn't like me or my family. She is very rude and unwelcoming when they are around. Even though we always invite and include her in everything. I also often find that she says many things to my husband that makes him feel manipulated (although he doesn't see it that way) she tells him that if he doesn't come visit they he doesn't love her and we live so far (30 minutes away) that he is to far to help take care of his grandparents and her.

My relationship with her started off rocky at the very beginning when she wants me and my husband to move into her house (the house my husband grew up in) and she would move out and get her own place. I don't feel comfortable in their neighborhood for certain reasons and it was way to far from my job. She then accused me of trying to take my husband away from his family. Which I never would do that. I have strong values as well. I just believe at this point in our lives we need to be doing what's good for our life and marriage not what's good for his mom.

Ok let's get to it..... vacation. I'm all about family vacations parents are fleeting and I want my husband to spend time with his mom as well as my family. Last year and the year before we took his mom to Atlanta and we also took her to Washington DC. It was just me my husband and her. So before we met my husband and her has a tradition where every year they would go on an amazing trip to somewhere new around the world. They have been everywhere from India, to ItAly and even China together. The last big trip he has with her was the year we got married they went to India together it was about two years ago. She keeps telling my husband that the only time she's happy is when they are traveling together.... so now this year in October (they are leaving the day after our anniversary) to go to Japan and Tailand together for over two weeks. And no.... I wasn't invited. I am a school teacher so I can travel anytime anywhere for 2 and a half months during the summer... my MIL secretly planned this trip for October. My husband says of course I'm invited. But I can't help to feel left out. Even though I can't go due to work I feel like of all the times I have seen my MIL she could have at least asked me if I wanted to go. Anyways.... this trip is just an example of many things that take place with her in our marriage. I feel so left out and so hurt.... it's actually making me feel so angry and resentful towards my husband. I don't know if my feelings are normal. I want him to spend time and enjoy things with his mom I just feel like a long trip to Asia is a bit over board. I have tried telling him how I feel and he keeps telling me that of course she wants me to come even though I know it's not true. I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. Please someone tell me if I'm being unfair to my husband I'm just so hurt.
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Old 15th September 2017, 4:48 PM   #2
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Not having any direct problems between each other makes you compatible, but donít allow outside issues creep in because that really can end things. It might seem silly and small now but this is actually a textbook scenario of how this leads to divorce. Basically in 6 words I would say, donít let it get to you.

All mother-in-laws are terrible, father in laws seem to be the opposite. If the dad is happily remarried then it just amplifies it all. As you said he might actually be the one joy in her life, of course sheíll be protective beyond logic. The mom is the only parent thatís Ďaloneí, so the son is understandably actively trying to spend more time with her especially when she says it brings her joy.

You arenít being unfair, but this is a burden that both men and women have had since the dawn of mankind. It isnít forever you know
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Old 16th September 2017, 12:21 PM   #3
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Hi Golden, I think you made a poor choice in marrying your husband. Your mother in law is poisoning your relationship and her son, your husband, is just passively observing everything and doing nothing about it. With the kind of relationship he has with his mother he should never have got married. What you are saying and what you are feeling is not unreasonable. You are always going to be a third wheel in this relationship and you either lump it or do something about it. For what it's worth I do not see a happy ending here. Wish you the very best.

PS. Did you not have ample evidence of your MIL's malicious interference while you were dating her son?
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Old 16th September 2017, 9:56 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Golden blonde View Post
so now this year in October (they are leaving the day after our anniversary) to go to Japan and Tailand together for over two weeks. And no.... I wasn't invited. I'm just so hurt.
Here are my thoughts:

1. at least you get to spend your 3rd wedding anniversary with your husband.
2. it is ok to feel hurt but now buck up and get over it
3. it is 2-3 weeks - you will be super busy with school, it will go by fast and just think how happy your husband will be when he sees you. Maybe surprise him at the door in a trench coat with nothing underneath?
4. you know how MIL is and MIL will be like this forever and I don't think it will get much better unless your husband takes a stand.
5. Your husband needs to put YOU first.
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Old 17th September 2017, 10:27 PM   #5
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No, you're not being unfair to your husband, quite the other way around. It's about time he grew a pair and had a chat with his mother about manners and respecting his wife and the right the two of you have to privacy within your marriage. The invitation to move into her house....that's a Control Freak in action. Thank God you didn't let her railroad you into that hellish scenario - because, yep, she'd move out....just until she moved back in again to live with you, because you know she would. You must really have the patience of an angel, I would be fighting the urge to choke her by this stage. As for your husband going away with his mummy for a two week holiday without you......that's divorce fodder right there. She needs to get a life that doesn't involve invading yours to this extreme. Why doesn't she have friends she can travel with? (Like the answer to that question isn't obvious).
I think you need to address this now before you start a family of your own. I don't think your MIL has her sons best interests or his happiness at heart, only her own. Does your husband have a good relationship with his father? If so, perhaps you could quietly have a chat with his dad and perhaps you would find an ally there? Best of luck.
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