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"Beggars aren't choosers," even when it's your sister

Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 1st August 2017, 7:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy "Beggars aren't choosers," even when it's your sister

My father is in prison camp and made a very difficult move to my state so my sister and I could visit him. He moved from his wife's state to be with us. My mom rented a car and drove the three of us to see him for the first time in 5 years of not seeing him. The issue? It's a 1 and 1/2 hour drive and rentals are expensive ($70/day).

The only one who has a car is my sister, and she has never liked sharing. She treats me rudely, like a stranger. The last time we went to see my dad, we had to spend ~4 hrs together in her car due to traffic. I was feeling exceptionally sensitive that day, so I repeatedly asked her to turn off the music, which dulled my head and overaroused me, and stop vaping her nicotine, which nauseated me. I tried to make conversation and be a rather pleasant guest but I did have to move to the backseat once to allow myself to lie down because of the exhaustion and overstimulation of tolerating my sister. She refused to stop for me and got mad when I moved carefully at a red light, because I wasn't obeying her.

My mom insists that we see my dad this weekend, and I really want to, but not in my sister's car. My mom takes her side, insisting that my sister should have full control over the situation since she's doing us a favor. I say BS even if you are doing someone a favor, you ought to be sensitive to their needs. (Just that day I shared food with my mom and told her to eat her favorite things even though she says "beggars aren't choosers." Because that's what family does!!) Maybe if I meditate before, I can tolerate the music, but I told my mom that I will not come on the trip unless my sister agrees not to vape in the car. My mom yelled at me to get out of her room. She says I need to see my father after all he's done to see us that I need to do my dad a favor by visiting him. Why can't my sister see taking me as doing him a favor? My dad is the only one who understands me; he said he'd miss seeing me but I know he doesn't want me to be miserable for his sake.

I realize that I'm much more sensitive than the average person, but I don't think that that invalidates my experience. I probably experience more overarousal over the fact that my needs are ignored than the fact that they are not met.

There is also an old neighbor of mine who offered to drive me, but I don't know him well and am not sure if I can trust him. Another option is to pay for the car myself, which is difficult because I don't have an income. Finally, I can perhaps pay my sister not to vape. What should I do?
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Old 2nd August 2017, 1:19 AM   #2
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Your mom is correct: Beggars can't be choosers.

How about getting a job so that you can afford to pay for things like a rental car.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 1:37 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Lil-Miss-Anthropy View Post
What should I do?
I hear you. I am a sensitive person, too. What to do? I think you need to focus. You will not be staying for more than 5 hours anyway, endure the struggle being in your sister's car for your dad's sake. Focus on your dad.
There's a Time For Everything Ecclesiastes 3
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Old 2nd August 2017, 2:51 PM   #4
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Are there ways you can deal with this overstimulation? I mean, I can imagine with this level of sensitivity to normal things like music, it sounds like you want the world to adjust to you instead of adjusting to the world.

I agree the vaping would be annoying, but if the alternative is cigarette smoke, then you have to admit it's an improvement.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a complicated family dynamic... I'm not sure what caused your father to get sent away to prison in a different state that was obviously far enough away that you couldn't visit him for 5 years, but now suddenly it's a priority to visit him all of the time.

Bottom line though is the say that beggars can't be chooser is true. You're getting a free ride and it's your only option. I would tell you to take a greyhound or something, but I don't even know if you can afford that, and I can't imagine how overstimulated you would be in that situation.
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Old 4th August 2017, 6:32 PM   #5
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Having lived as a "beggar" earlier in life, what your mom says is correct. Beggars aren't choosers. There are generally four options in life to get what you need - beg, buy, borrow, and steal. I would suggest, as others have, that you find a way to make an income so that you can work toward purchasing a car of your own. Talk about this with your dad when you see him, and brainstorm some ideas together. He will be interested and may have some helpful advice.

Until you have your own car, you're going to be stuck begging and borrowing. Renting is little better than borrowing, it just costs more. Borrowing always carries great risk because of accidents in a vehicle that doesn't belong to you. And I doubt (no offense) that you have the skills to steal a car and get it registered for use without getting caught...not that I would advocate that anyway.

For at least one time more, just tolerate being in your sister's car. Then use that experience to motivate you to do something different. As for the vaping - do the windows in the car work? It is summer, after all. Fresh air could do you some good.
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Old 24th August 2017, 10:09 PM   #6
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I personally would not go. Your sister sounds like mine. Just because we love them, doesn't mean they love us.

I would not tolerate 5hrs in a car... with someone who hates me. Never again.
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Old 24th August 2017, 10:15 PM   #7
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oh and tell your sister to "f off", because she will tell you to "f off" eventually. Find your own ride. Don't ride with her, why? She doesn't care about you. Your Mom kisses her ass for the same reason my Mom kisses my sister's ass, because they are afraid of the abandonment. Trust me, you will survive the abandonment more than you can survive 4hrs in a car with a sister who hates you. F that b****.
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Old 24th August 2017, 10:34 PM   #8
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Your whole family sounds whack. Your mom is making you visit your dad, her ex Husband, because he's done so much for you? In jail?

Did I read that right? Is she for real??

News flash....a dad who does for his children doesn't land his ass in jail.
'The love for all living creatures is the
most noble attribute of man.'
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Old 29th August 2017, 5:46 AM   #9
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continue to sit in the back seat with noise cancelling head phones or even cotton in your ears and a cheap sleep mask over your eyes. bring something that smells good to put over your nose or even bring vicks vapo and shove it up there as often as the instructions allow.

if you sisters says your a wacko kitted up with headphones and a mask, just say, oh, i'm sorry, i had this problem forever but i'm still so grateful that we can go see daddy and thank you for driving me"

suck it up.

everyone that hasn't got anything and wants to use stuff that they don't have learns that the way to get your own way is to pay your own way. otherwise none of us would leave home or drive.

on the bright side, once you have a job, there's a good chance you can say, oh, i can't ride with you on that day, i'm working.

i'd go with the neighbor, if he'd let you drive his car. or i'd find a bus. there has to be one that goes there?

try asking the other visitors at the prison if they want to car pool, offer something towards gas and tolls.
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