livinglife2019 Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 I recently found out that my brother has being beating his wife, I feel so ashamed and angry about it. I urged my sister in-law to press charges and leave him straight away. I also told her I would be behind her 100% of the way! I'm so angry with him that I just want to go over to his house and beat him up and see how he likes it. We grew up in an abusive home so we know first hand what it's like so I'm shocked to learn he really is his fathers son. I'm afraid that this is going to tear my family apart! Everyone is angry at him and I am worried he might do something to harm himself! I also don't think I could ever have a relationship with him again knowing what he done! What do I do? My sister in-law and niece are my main priority but I'm also afraid he's going to kill himself if this goes any further, but I can't be around him to talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I don't know how helpful I'll be but first I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. I understand your anger and frustration. I don't know where you are but I'm in the US and found myself in a similar situation but instead of a brother, it was my sister. The police were useless. She had stabbed someone in the forehead at one point but pled down to a lesser charge and barely did any time in jail. She got a fine. She said jail was better than high school because she made new friends as soon as she walked in the door. She thought jail was fantastic! Later on (a year or more) she told me she was going to stab my father. Understandably, I took this seriously. My mother raised my sister to be just like her and think exactly the way she thinks. My sister is a clone of my mother. I called the police thinking that's what I should do. They told me that my sister hasn't committed a crime yet but when she does, they'll deal with it. In the meantime, they went to my parents house, said my dad is alive and left. They called this a "wellness check". The reason I'm telling you this is because in hindsight, it turned out doing what I thought was the right thing barely did a thing at all! However, as long as other people besides yourself know what your brother is doing, you're not alone. And if he does something in the future, it won't just be your word against his. There were times my sister said she was suicidal. Straight out. She lost a job because she showed up to work 3 days in a row, went in a back room and cried saying she didn't want to live anymore because of the abuse going on in my parents house. I'm not saying you'll have as bad of luck with police or reaching out for help like I did. It opened my eyes to reality, though. I hated a lot of things about my sister. Still do. But, if I knew then what I know now, I would've went to the house myself instead of thinking the police were going to do something. I think I could've accomplished a lot more by trying to diffuse the situation. Don't put yourself in harms way if you think your brother might do something to you. But, as much as you hate him right now, putting your hate aside and getting involved in some fashion (even if that's talking on the phone or writing him an e-mail or text messages) is much better than doing nothing. I really wish I knew then what I know now. Link to post Share on other sites
snflwrgrl Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I'm so sorry! you grew up in an abusive home and your brother has continued on that path. :'( That's heartbreaking! I don't blame you for being angry but you have nothing to be ashamed of. <3 Have you considered calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline? They're available anytime, to answer questions, provide resources and information, and it's completely confidential! They may be able to help your sister-in-law and give you some direction too. Do you think you would feel differently towards your brother (in time) if he agrees to get help and he is willing to go to counseling/or a program? I'll be praying for all of you, for clarity, peace with your decision, and for restoration. I'll also be praying that your family isn't torn apart as you fear it will be and that your brother gets the help he so desperately! needs. Your sister-in-law and niece are very lucky to have you! =) Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 First things first. Connect your sister in law with a counselor who specializes in domestic violence. You may also give her information about battered women and children shelters. Perhaps she can spend a couple weeks there taking in the various resources offered to her. That way they are also protected from him. In the mean time maybe you (and her friends/family) can get her a prepaid debit card, a place to stay/eat, and help her navigate the legal process so she can divorce him. As for your brother and suicide. Some people may use this tool in domestic violence situations to control the other person. However, if you think he is at risk for suicide you can let the police know this information as they go to arrest him. Many victims won't press charges as they are too afraid. Could you call the authorities on her behalf? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I recently found out that my brother has being beating his wife, I feel so ashamed and angry about it. I urged my sister in-law to press charges and leave him straight away. I also told her I would be behind her 100% of the way! I'm so angry with him that I just want to go over to his house and beat him up and see how he likes it. We grew up in an abusive home so we know first hand what it's like so I'm shocked to learn he really is his fathers son. I'm afraid that this is going to tear my family apart! Everyone is angry at him and I am worried he might do something to harm himself! I also don't think I could ever have a relationship with him again knowing what he done! What do I do? My sister in-law and niece are my main priority but I'm also afraid he's going to kill himself if this goes any further, but I can't be around him to talk to him. He needs help, badly. You two grew up with abuse and sadly it seems he's repeating the pattern. He isn't a bad guy (I'm sure you love him) he's just really messed up and NEEDS to get therapy asap. Don't write him off so quickly, give him a chance to try to get well again, be on meds, do counseling/anger management etc. What he did was so so so wrong and it is awful that your sister in law and niece are suffering. All I'm saying is have some compassion for your brother because 1)he's your brother and 2)he knows what he's done is wrong and he f-ed big time. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 He's living what he's learned and is repeating the pattern of abuse. He needs counseling but the first step is admitting he has a problem. Is he there yet? If not then maybe you need to point it out to him. Get pictures if he's left marks on your SIL. They may help him realize what he is capable of when he gets into a fit of rage. Then give duplicates to your SIL so that she can divorce him and raise her kids the right way if she wants. They'll come in handy when she needs to show a judge who the better choice of a parent is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Need to clarify, my previous post was directed at your relationship with your brother, not your SIL's marriage to him. Their marriage died the second he hit her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Thank you for being responsible about this. You've done the right thing so far. You didn't mention if they have kids. If they do, you need to contact Child Protective Services because a child doesn't belong around that. They may incentivize her to leave him or him to get help. You should give her shelter if she needs it, somewhere he won't find her, not your house. A motel, a friend's house. And if she calls you in the middle of a fight, call the police! Victims are often afraid to or hesitant to make them madder, but if she is seeking help, call the police and hope she stands up for herself and prosecutes him. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
KityGlitr Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Sorry you're dealing with this. There are two points I'd like to make: 1) your sister in law is not going to leave him until she's ready. 2) if there's a child in the home you have an obligation to let child protective services know. You can report anonymously if you like. You don't and can't know the whole story so you are unable to accurately assess risk to the child. You'll know from your upbringing what it's like to live in a home with violence. You have a duty to help this child. Sadly, I speak from experience. I told CPS. The beating was regular and in front of the kids. My brother told our whole family I made it up, turned on me, she stayed with him and turned on me too (she was the one to tell me about the abuse) and we've been estranged now for two years. I offered her all of the support in the world, whatever she chose to do, and reported to CPS once she went off grid unexpectedly and I was concerned he'd killed her. His actions mean I've lost the majority of my family (I was a very close involved auntie). I still have no regrets about how I handled it, though it plunged me into depression I still suffer from and sent me to therapy. You need professional support for this one. Get it. Link to post Share on other sites
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