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Adult Children-They're making me crazy


dropdeadlegs

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I would trade each adult for five still in diapers. Seriously. I feel like I'm dealing with toddlers anyway.

 

My kids are 31, 28, 27, 19, and 16.

 

What the hell happened to this generation? I know I raised them, so their failings must fall on me, but what a whiney "me, me, me" bunch of kids I have. One is an addict, one wants to work only jobs that she can be chronically late to. The third wants me to cosign a loan because I have great credit and she wants a car she can't qualify for. The fourth is in college, at a high end school when she could be local at community college for far less. The fifth, and last, has Aspergers and may never leave home, but is the most non-confrontational, easy going, child of them all!

 

Money and whining, more money and whining.

 

Yep, I'm tired and complaining. Ream me for it. End rant.

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My kids are 31, 28, 27, 19, and 16.

 

31, 28 and 27 are adults and on their own, parenting them is over obviously and they need to learn from their mistakes without relying on you to bail them out. They should be independent enough to manage their life without involving you. 19 is still young, an adult but not quite an adult if you get what I mean.

 

Sounds like you need a weekend away at the spa with your spouse or some women friends!

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That has codependency written all over it. I've posted another thread in the marriage forum regarding my wife's adult children who are just like yours.

You have to make boundaries and stick to them !

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You have my sympathies. My generation disgusts me with the sense of entitlement.

I'm an older Millennial and I'm appalled at how spoiled people in my cohort are.

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Parenting doesn't stop when reaching adult age. We tend to be less active in giving our two cents and more in being there to guide them to their next triumph or mistake.

 

Sorry but I don't hold the parent accountable ... Other peers and social environment carries weight in a millennials attitude. I happen to be blessed with mentoring some and must say they are ambitious and down to earth on their goals and life choices.

 

I don't lump a few and call it "all". I can only have positive influence on those willing to receive it... Are your children unwilling ?

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I would trade each adult for five still in diapers. Seriously. I feel like I'm dealing with toddlers anyway.

 

My kids are 31, 28, 27, 19, and 16.

 

What the hell happened to this generation? I know I raised them, so their failings must fall on me, but what a whiney "me, me, me" bunch of kids I have. One is an addict, one wants to work only jobs that she can be chronically late to. The third wants me to cosign a loan because I have great credit and she wants a car she can't qualify for. The fourth is in college, at a high end school when she could be local at community college for far less. The fifth, and last, has Aspergers and may never leave home, but is the most non-confrontational, easy going, child of them all!

 

Money and whining, more money and whining.

 

Yep, I'm tired and complaining. Ream me for it. End rant.

 

There is a word you need to learn: "NO".

 

First of all, the older three should be living out of home. If they are not already doing so, give them 2 months warning that they need to leave home. And stick to it.

 

The addict who won't work? That's her problem, not yours. Do not make up the shortfall.

 

The one who wants you to cosign a car? Say No.

 

The one who is at college? Do you have student loans where you live? Let her pay for it.

 

You may have missed some boundaries early on, but it's never too late to start.

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I don't think ALL the blame falls on the parents, but it would be erroneous to say that the way we parent our kids has no impact on how their learn to live their lives.

 

I found this link on FB just recently and can't agree strongly enough. Deliver the forgotten lunch to school....help do the homework which has been left till last minute....making lunches for older children.... It is totally possible to raise children who think the world revolves around them Quit Doing These 8 Things for Your Teen This Year if You Want to Raise an Adult

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Thanks so much for listening and commenting. I was at my wits end and probably needed to vent more than anything.

 

I kicked the addict out. Again. His chaos had made MY life unmanageable. He was only here on weekends and is actually living in the break room where he works on M-F because he is homeless and car-less. It is beyond painful to abandon your first born child, but this is the SECOND time I've had to stop the insanity. Long story here, but I have done everything a parent can do since he was 16 and this nightmare started. His choices and justifications are STILL about par with a teenager. I have taken him to outpatient rehab, inpatient rehab, once bailed him out of jail (big, expensive mistake), and he seems to need more parenting than ever, but I'm just done. Right or wrong, he has to figure out his own life. My suggestions, opinions, and comments have led to nothing but a bunch of anxiety for me while he just continues his own insanity.

 

The chronically late one, well, she's not so bad except I see no motivation within her to improve her life. She lives at her dad's and has since 2007. It's just frustrating to see her barely adulting. I haven't financially supported her in any way in years, but her part time, chronically late, employment makes me wonder, "where did I go wrong." I know it's not even my problem, I just want more for her than she wants for herself I guess.

 

I DID say no to the car loan!! This is probably the most responsible adult we have. It was a bad day of her pushing daddy's buttons, but daddy did good! This one is actually my step child, but boy do I love this girl. Talked to her today and she qualified for a $4000 loan on her own, and she's now looking for a used car in her range. Hallelujah! That's all we wanted to happen in the first place. You have to BUILD credit, it doesn't happen overnight. And mine is not yours, ther's just too much risk for me to take something I cherish and let it go to the control of anothe. Google said never, ever consign, and that is good advice.

 

College girl comes home on breaks, and I do want to help her, but can't as much as she needs. I agree, she will have to get loans and maybe then she will consider a lower cost or closer to home option. She's our first to go to college, and we're so proud, but she blew through over 8 grand in a few months when she turned 18 and received some life insurance funds from when her dad died in 2004. That money was spent on high dollar makeup and a lot of crap (in my opinion) and my biggest beef is her money management and lack of employment. She needs to obtain a college schedule that supports a part time job. She may never ask for money or consigning and I have probably projected that on her. Kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. (And wth does that mean anyway, lol?)

 

Thanks for listening, I think I just needed someone to listen. And agreeing that they have to make their own choices, often without my help (at least financially) and I have to let it go. I know this needs to be done.

 

I will now read that link about creating responsible adults, thanks for sharing it.

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THIS SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR PARENTS!

 

I have been guilty of some of this, and honestly did better with the two younger kids after figuring out much of this on my own. I think we often raise our kids like we were raised. Like most, I tried to give my kids certain values that I was taught, but also made adjustments where I felt my parents failed with me. In that mix, I've done better in some areas, and completely dropped the ball in others. I'm sure there are many self help books on parenting, but we aren't issued a manual at birth, and we are left on our own - with complicated human lives in our hands! That is almost crazy to me. My toaster comes with basic instruction! Sure, we leave the hospital with instructions on how to care for umbilical cords and sterilizing bottles, but the really hard stuff about actually raising these people....nothing. It is so hard to anticipate everything they need to know and I think I have sometimes assumed that my example was enough when I should have been explaining why I do it that way.

 

My sister and I were talking, and we're pretty sure that with another few sets of kids, we MIGHT be able to get this parenting stuff right, lol. But I HAVE 5 kids. Sadly, I might need 8 to get it right. Then again, another 3 personalities might just give me more lessons to learn.

 

Still, I love that article! It is a difficult line between doing enough and too much for them. As a stay at home mom, I've surely made their lives pretty comfy.

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todreaminblue

i thought i was doing really badly ....like failing parenting epically this article made me realize i am doing ok a few things to change...but....

i dont cook my kids meals every night .....they cook too and they even cook for the whole family.....they actually like shopping they offer.... i give them a list and they go shopping if we need things after i have done the bulk shop.........and i tell them to keep an eye out for bargains.....they always make their own brekkie....

 

they wake me if i miss my alarm they set their own alarms....i dont drive...they know train time tables by heart......and buses ...as my twenty year old(this year) has a casual job gets herself too and from....my daughters walk friends home who are too scared to walk home by themselves....my second oldest daughter is part of a volunteer youth committeee in a youth community place and has been asked to speak at a graduation......because of her drive and commitment to work that she obtained through this youth venture....

 

.....

 

they buy lunch ...my youngest has two hundred dollars......she saves her lunch money.....and eats when she gets home.....its her choice.....she also is an athlete so she eats mainly chicken breast and veggies...she cooks it herself.....wants to be a personal trainer when she finishes school this year.....

 

they can bake ...clean ...fix electrical appliances computers and phones.....they are millenials.......

 

my oldest daughter is 22 has her own daughter she struggles the most...but is moving out this year and cant wait to have her own place she can cook clean bake wash iron ......wants to find part time work struggles with alcohol and drug related issues has depression

 

so even though i thought my family is a mess......maybe it isnt as bad as it could be and im not such a mess myself.....nah...im a mess...but that article ...gave me a little sliver of hope im not as bad as i think i am as a mum....my sons well....still working there....they are the oldest....deb

 

 

.....

Edited by todreaminblue
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I would trade each adult for five still in diapers. Seriously. I feel like I'm dealing with toddlers anyway.

 

My kids are 31, 28, 27, 19, and 16.

 

What the hell happened to this generation? I know I raised them, so their failings must fall on me, but what a whiney "me, me, me" bunch of kids I have. One is an addict, one wants to work only jobs that she can be chronically late to. The third wants me to cosign a loan because I have great credit and she wants a car she can't qualify for. The fourth is in college, at a high end school when she could be local at community college for far less. The fifth, and last, has Aspergers and may never leave home, but is the most non-confrontational, easy going, child of them all!

 

Money and whining, more money and whining.

 

Yep, I'm tired and complaining. Ream me for it. End rant.

 

it doesn't sound like you're complaining, it sounds like you're judging, all of them. of maybe just "taking stock" of how far you've come as a mother, how well you've done with your life's work. because, isn't being a mother a woman's "life's work"?

 

to that end, we have a saying in my family, "it ain't over till it's over".

 

don't judge your success as a mother by their success in the "market place". if they are well mannered, useful, sympathetic and civilized, then i'd say, you did your job and the rest is up to them.

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MrCongeniality

Okay I just reread the original post yeah I was nothing like them they sound like they either got beaten too much or not enough.

Edited by MrCongeniality
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I won't be having children so take this with a grain of salt....

 

I feel like parents can only do so much. Once a child grows into an adult, it's up to them to take responsibility for their lives instead of running to Mommy and Daddy all the time. Parents will not be around forever to bail out adult children.

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Thats a good article. You really can't teach children good habits and values; they have to live them. Actually DO them. Like do their own laundry. Fix their own breakfast. Get up on time on their own. Little bitty baby steps, but once they've achieved them, they are on the right track to bigger and better things. They have the confidence to be able to do things on their own. Everything in life starts with babysteps. If they dont take that first step, they wont get where they are going.

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I think family meals together are a no brainer. I'll cook and bake, thank you very much:). As for them forgetting things...Yup even at my ripe age I forget things. Thank goodness I have friends willing to aide. It's called asking for help ( not enabling!).

When my kids became adults...I did co-$igned their car loans and first apartments. Never regretted it. They proved to be responsible and established credit worthiness. So that list may have its merits in guiding young folks...But I can tell.you that having family support during some trying times taught me humility in asking for help. Being inter dependent is not a bad thing.

This do it yourself has its flaws...As sometimes we have to accept help when situations warrant it. For the OP, she came here seeking help..And I commend a person for that. Yet isn't it ironic that someone who seeks helps is asked to not help.their kin....But kick them to the curb.

Rejection doesn't make a person an adult quicker...It does make them bitter.

Op? Can you find a non partisan person who may talk some sense into the young adults? Someone who listens to both sides and can mediate some guidelines?

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BettyDraper
I think family meals together are a no brainer. I'll cook and bake, thank you very much:). As for them forgetting things...Yup even at my ripe age I forget things. Thank goodness I have friends willing to aide. It's called asking for help ( not enabling!).

When my kids became adults...I did co-$igned their car loans and first apartments. Never regretted it. They proved to be responsible and established credit worthiness. So that list may have its merits in guiding young folks...But I can tell.you that having family support during some trying times taught me humility in asking for help. Being inter dependent is not a bad thing.

This do it yourself has its flaws...As sometimes we have to accept help when situations warrant it. For the OP, she came here seeking help..And I commend a person for that. Yet isn't it ironic that someone who seeks helps is asked to not help.their kin....But kick them to the curb.

Rejection doesn't make a person an adult quicker...It does make them bitter.

Op? Can you find a non partisan person who may talk some sense into the young adults? Someone who listens to both sides and can mediate some guidelines?

 

What happens if kin is irresponsible with the help that they are given?

It's great that your children paid their rent on time but would you have been as eager to help them if they weren't conscientious?

Repeatedly enabling a drug addict does not help at all.

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Parenting is a messy business, and we make it up as we go. As the parent of two young adult children myself, it seem to me that you've given them love and set a good example. There's no more to be done. What you've accomplished and the quality of your writing here both deserve a tip of the cap.

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dropdeadlegs

I really can't thank every poster enough for your thoughts. I haven't been here in quite awhile but I've spent many hours utilizing this forum. I'm not sure I've ever felt so much love on a thread as this one. Everyone was kind and helpful. Nobody made me feel worse in any way about my situation. Thank you! I have carefully read and considered every word that has been written, and I am feeling better about the past, as well as the future. I'm not a perfect parent, nor do I have perfect children. I help where I'm able, and don't where I'm not. I really shouldn't feel bad about that. I have real difficulty in asking for help, and I don't want my kids to feel that way. Ask! But please don't be angry when I can't help in certain circumstances. Blended families are complicated. I suppose ALL families are. Consigning won't work for us - too many dominoes with 5 kids. We are NOT wealthy, and if we were we would gift the funds. Oh, how I would love to have THAT luxury, while totally getting that gifts aren't appreciated in quite the same way as something earned.

 

Anyway, awesome people shared here. Thanks so much for sharing with me.

<3

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