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Sibling that makes everyone miserable?

Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 24th December 2016, 8:24 AM   #1
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Sibling that makes everyone miserable?

I have an older brother who is married to a very jealous woman.
In the past 15 years that they've been married, he has slowly turned into some kind of servant, who doesn't have contact with his own family, just because he doesn't want his wife to break hell in the house.

We have all come to accept this and do not bother with them, as we also think it is my brother's own responsibility to put a stop to her behaviour.

Whenever he can't take it anymore, he will come to us and poor his heart out, only to disappear when things calm down again. As I said, we do not even bother with him anymore.

He is currently depressed, unemployed, serves as a house husband (which would be perfectly fine if it were by choice) and wears clothes that have holes in them.

Of course all of the above breaks my heart, but I have tried many times to remain in touch with him. He closes off himself and I am only human. If he doesn't want to be in touch with his sister, then yeah, life continues for me as well.

By the way, they do have a very good income, as my brother still gets paid a certain percentage of his previous job and my sil also has a good job.

The issue I am having is this though;

My brother is in debt. They have huge debts because of money spent on holidays, clothing for sil and niece, dining out, sil clubbing, etc etc. Every month, he will go to my dad, mother and aunt to ask for money. Even though they have good income, he cannot make ends meet as they are not willing to give up their lavish life style. So as a drug addicts goes to beg for money, he does the same but as a spending addict. Now all of this is none of my business and I do not care to make it business of mine.

BUT. My aunt and my mother will constantly complain to ME and each other, how little money they have, how they have to look for discounts to make ends meet, whenever we go out somewhere to eat or drink, they will act all funny and not eat drink because they dont have money etc. Most of the time I will pay because of course, it breaks my heart to see them like that.

My mom will even be like, all of the money I spend on you als makes for a substantial amount (she means the coffees she has paid when we go out TOGETHER, and suddenly forget about all the times I pick up the tab).

This is where my brother's begging behaviour starts to enter my life. I told my mom and aunt up front, that they should either not complain about money, or stop giving him money.

So at this point, I decided that A. I am not going to hear them complain about money again, B and when we go out, I will not be the first to jump up and pay. C. I will only go out when they have money and ask me to go. I will not offer by myself anymore as they easily let me pay (which would not bother me at all, if all the baove mentioned wasnt there)

I hate that I have to take measures, but I have to.
Has any of you had a situation like this before? And what did you do to solve it for yourself? It annoys me and puts tension on my relationship with my family...
- ''To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance'' - Oscar Wilde
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Old 24th December 2016, 12:41 PM   #2
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Hey :)

Originally Posted by SerCay View Post
Has any of you had a situation like this before? And what did you do to solve it for yourself? It annoys me and puts tension on my relationship with my family...
I have an elder Sister, she has never married.

She was an international groom [equine] and worked all over Italy. As she earned a pittance and was crap with money my Dad paid her airfares whenever she wanted to return to the UK for holidays.

She was always seeking something and was not good on a social level, although she always had and did what she wanted.

She is a year younger than my eldest brother whom she resented. Whenever in the UK she sought me out, I'm the youngest of five.

She left horses and lived in a commune of a religious cult in Amsterdam for many years before returning to the UK for good living in London.

My Middle Brother who lived there let her stay with him and his family while she got on her feet. She paid no keep, didn't clean up and espoused her cult ideas to his young daughters. This went on for nearly a year and he couldn't wait to get rid of her.

She worked, bought a house with the help of my Dad for some four years.

She was diagnosed with MS so left work but continued body building and had a powerful physique. Sold her house and moved to the middle of nowhere to live near a female cousin on my Mums side.

This cousin has bent over backwards to help her straighten out her finances and live with her condition but gets no thanks and my sister is dismissive of her.

I've been roped in to assist her many times and have put myself out to do so, but always ended up picking up the tab for her meals and my travel costs.

She fleeced my parents for money, satellite TV systems etc and never paid them back. One time she asked my Dad for another considerable sum of Money, my parents drove the two hours to get it to her. She had gone out and they couldn't find her, eventually they had to drive home.

On arrival home she phoned them, offered no apology and asked them to put the money straight in her bank.

When my Dad died I was left to look after my Mother with dementia. My brothers used to come and stay weekends on a rota to give me a break.

I asked my sister to come stay with me and Mum so she could be with her while I went to work, I would do all cooking, cleaning and paying. I ran my own business, sister was physically able but on permanent disability pension. Sister said no and I lost my customers and business. Mum died two years later, I had a difficult time with Mum, being the youngest child and of the wrong gender but we got by.

I could continue to list examples of my sister's rank self centred behaviour but I will spare you.

Only my elder brother deals with her but he lives three hours away and has MS himself.

Now my sister is debilitated and in a care home two and a half hours away from me. My elder brother tries to get me to be more involved with her.

I tell him we each make our own bed and have to live with it.

I have neither the time nor inclination to be hoofing up and down to where she lives. I have not seen or spoken to my sister for four years.

If she had moved to her home town in the first place [where I am] I would do the honourable thing, as it is I don't give her a backward thought.
"That there are men in all countries who get their living by war, and by keeping up the quarrels of nations, is as shocking as it is true." - Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791

Last edited by Nowty V; 24th December 2016 at 12:43 PM..
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Old 29th December 2016, 10:03 PM   #3
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Wife has an older sister who is nothing more than a drama queen and a mooch - been married and divorced several times, and always blames her problems (which are many) on her ex's. Constant drama with her, and is always hitting someone up for money. Her own brother can't stand her (neither can I), and all of our friends that know her can't stand her.

She still owes us several thousand $, but finds money to go shopping all the time.

I can't stand to be around her, and whenever she comes around, people part like the Red Sea or else they'll find themselves cornered with her hearing all about the drama in her life and how it's never her fault.
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Old 30th December 2016, 2:15 PM   #4
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Easy to resolve. Tell your mom and aunt you don't want to hear about the money they're giving your brother and ask that they don't complain about it to you. When they do it, remind them and chance subject. If they refuse, leave the situation.

There are certain issues that family members can't discuss and it sounds like this is one for you. To maintain a good relationship with your mom and aunt just make the topic a no go zone if it bothers you that much.

I wouldn't be so quick to avoid paying when it's your turn when you go out though, if the only reason is that you feel they're using their own money badly in giving to your brother, or you feel it's unfair they're giving him more than they're giving you.

What they choose to give him is separate to anything they choose to give you, you're not entitled to their money. Sorry if I've misunderstood what you're saying!
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