So sick of my family assuming things about me

[GH101]

Seriously, family members I see and talk to maybe once a year think they know everything about me and then start judging me. I have a family gathering coming up and some of these people I haven't seen or spoke to in years, but since they're friends with me on Facebook, they act like they know me or they assume my life is the same as last time I spoke to them years ago. Even when I saw these people last year half of them didn't even talk to me, so it's been more than a year since we spoke.

 

I do post things to Facebook such as current events, charity events I volunteer for, festivals I go to or vacations I take. However, I rarely post anything about my job, dating, or personal life.

 

Most of my photos on FB are of me alone at different events. Sometimes I'll post a picture with my parents and sister.

 

I don't put anything about my relationship status on FB or post about dates because it's nobody business.

I also don't post any pictures with friends because my friends and I don't really take pictures together, some don't use social media.

 

As soon as I walk into this family gathering I get assumptions that I have no friends, don't date. I was chatting with my aunt last year and when I told her I went on a few dates with this guy she was shocked and almost fell out of her seat. My parent's attended a family wedding last year where I wasn't invited, they didn't invite extended family, but anyway they told other family members I was out with friends that night and it was like a commotion, they couldn't believe I was out friends. I am a 22 year old female, it's so insulting they think I don't date or have friends.

 

Nobody asks me if I'm seeing anyone, just assume I'm not.

It's insulting and ridiculous.

The only people that really know my life are my parents, sister and close friends, so I just get fed up of these other family members acting like if it's not on FB or I don't call them and personally tell them something about my life it's not happening.

 

I get really annoyed at these gatherings especially when these people start judging me, what should I do??

[bubbaganoosh]

So what. Just as long as your happy it doesn't matter. These are people you see once in a blue moon so let them assume.

[GH101]

So what. Just as long as your happy it doesn't matter. These are people you see once in a blue moon so let them assume.

 

I know, I just feel insulted that my family thinks these things about me.

 

I just get really frustrated at the gathering when people are asking my other cousin's who are my age if they're dating, what's doing with young adults today and they just assume I sit at home all day or go out with my parents every weekend.

 

They also then start judging me about why I won't do online dating or get out there more like they know anything about me.

[SammySammy]

If people can't figure out what you show on FaceBook is not the entirety of your life, then why care about what they think? Thinking is obviously not their strength.

 

People are entitled to be wrong. Just live in your truth and let them think what they may.

[GH101]

If people can't figure out what you show on FaceBook is not the entirety of your life, then why care about what they think? Thinking is obviously not their strength.

 

People are entitled to be wrong. Just live in your truth and let them think what they may.

 

I understand what your saying, but what can I do to not be so annoyed at these gatherings?

 

I mean, I feel like I am being judged to get out there more, but I just get annoyed because how do they know I'm not out there?

 

One of my aunts I see once a year even said a few years ago if I was dating someone she would know. I just couldn't get over this ridiculous comment.

 

It's like if I do mention friends or dating these family members seem confused or annoyed they weren't told I had friends or a date. It's like they expect me to keep them updated about my personal life on FB.

 

These things just annoy me so much at the gathering, so I can't enjoy seeing family.

 

I just can't stand these crazy assumptions.

 

Thanks for everyone's replies, it helps talking about it

Edited September 29, 2016 by GH101

[Poutrew]

It sounds to me like you don't really like you extended family all that much. So why not just unfriend them on facebook? At the very least you can take comfort in the fact that in a couple decades, most of them will be dead and not able to assume things about you any more.

[LastAcorn99]

I feel like you’re giving way too much importance to other’s opinion about you. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – so, don’t allow them. We cannot control what other people say or think about us, but we can definitely decide how we react/respond to such comments. Just be confident in the person that you are. Hope this helps!

[GH101]

It sounds to me like you don't really like you extended family all that much. So why not just unfriend them on facebook? At the very least you can take comfort in the fact that in a couple decades, most of them will be dead and not able to assume things about you any more.

 

That's a comforting thought lol, I can't just unfriend my family though

[GH101]

I feel like you’re giving way too much importance to other’s opinion about you. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – so, don’t allow them. We cannot control what other people say or think about us, but we can definitely decide how we react/respond to such comments. Just be confident in the person that you are. Hope this helps!

 

Great quote and I know what you're saying.

It's just when a group of judgmental family members start badgering you about things they think they know about, it's hard to remember the quote.

 

I just feel like I need better comebacks. My mom told me I should have told my aunt last year that I was insulted she didn't think a guy would date me. Like since my aunt almost fell over her chair in shock I went on a date, then I should have said what you think I don't date, I'm not by a sexual lol.

 

Like when my family assumes stuff I should call them out on it, should I do that??

[bluefeather]

Ugh, I'm a guy but I can totally relate!

 

After a while I had to do one thing: I significantly lowered the amount of family gatherings I went to. From now on I only go if I want to go, and most of the time, it's a no. Sometimes families have this weird way of making people think that they are allowed to act certain ways (rude, obnoxious, stupid, etc.), just because they are related. Well one day I realized I don't have to be there, and that was it.

 

Maybe it's not the best advice out there, but it was definitely a liberating experience when I had the epiphany of, "wait a minute - why should I hang out with people who treat me like that?" Just because they're family? F that!

 

Oh and F facebook too.

[GH101]

Ugh, I'm a guy but I can totally relate!

 

After a while I had to do one thing: I significantly lowered the amount of family gatherings I went to. From now on I only go if I want to go, and most of the time, it's a no. Sometimes families have this weird way of making people think that they are allowed to act certain ways (rude, obnoxious, stupid, etc.), just because they are related. Well one day I realized I don't have to be there, and that was it.

 

Maybe it's not the best advice out there, but it was definitely a liberating experience when I had the epiphany of, "wait a minute - why should I hang out with people who treat me like that?" Just because they're family? F that!

 

Oh and F facebook too.

 

Great attitude!

However, my extended family only gets together once a year and I feel like if I have no real reason not to go then I should.

I mean, some of the gathering is pleasant when they aren't making assumptions and badgering me about stuff they think they know.

 

Like since I say I won't do online dating they assume that I don't date then.

I know what you mean about family thinking they can be rude, stupid because they are related to you.

 

My mom just has no clue why these family members even bring up half the stuff they talk to me about. Like why my personal life is up for discussion.

 

My mom will chime in and defend me at the gathering because she also thinks it's crazy. Like the commotion she saw when she told cousin's I was out with friends when they were at that wedding. Like she finally saw what I was talking about with the family assuming things.

 

You unfriended your family on FB?

[CC12]

First, try not to care so much about what other people think. Easier said than done, I know. I think this gets easier as you get older.

 

Second, don't discuss your personal life with them. Don't give them an opening to act all shocked or whatever.

 

Like when my family assumes stuff I should call them out on it, should I do that??

 

Sure. There's no need to be a jerk about it, but you can point out that what they're saying is hurtful. Or turn it around and question them and make them feel stupid. "Yes, of course I have friends. Why would you think I don't?" Or, "Why do you seem surprised that I date?" Or, "Do you really think I post every single thing about my life on Facebook?"

 

Also, you should probably unfriend them on Facebook, although I don't think their reaction necessarily has much to do with what you post.

Edited September 29, 2016 by CC12

[GH101]

First, try not to care so much about what other people think. Easier said than done, I know. I think this gets easier as you get older.

 

Second, don't discuss your personal life with them. Don't give them an opening to act all shocked or whatever.

 

 

 

Sure. There's no need to be a jerk about it, but you can point out that what they're saying is hurtful. Or turn it around and question them and make them feel stupid. "Yes, of course I have friends. Why would you think I don't?" Or, "Why do you seem surprised that I date?" Or, "Do you really think I post every single thing about my life on Facebook?"

 

Also, you should probably unfriend them on Facebook, although I don't think their reaction necessarily has much to do with what you post.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I don't really care what they think, I'm just insulted, annoyed at their assumptions of my life.

 

I try to avoid talking with certain family members that I know will annoy me.

 

Yes, I should call them out on their absurd comments, exactly I don't have to be a jerk, but say in a nice way that what their saying makes zero sense.

 

I just will remember to remain calm and not let them get to me.

 

I should also say I don't post everything on FB, I think I have daid this in the past though, but they don't believe me.

 

I also feel my family just doesn't listen to me. Like I will start telling them about things in my life and they don't listen, then just assume stuff because they didn't listen to anything I said.

 

It's just why they think certain things about me just really gets on my nerves.

 

It's not even just like this with these family members, it's like this on both sides and with family friends.

[Arieswoman]

GH101,

 

It sounds to me like these people are idiots.

 

They make assumptions and then when you call them out on it they don't listen? It sounds like they're happy with the narrative they've made for themselves.

 

I'm afraid that you can't control the narrative here, so don't try.

 

And, do you really have to go to these gatherings?

[GH101]

GH101,

 

It sounds to me like these people are idiots.

 

They make assumptions and then when you call them out on it they don't listen? It sounds like they're happy with the narrative they've made for themselves.

 

I'm afraid that you can't control the narrative here, so don't try.

 

And, do you really have to go to these gatherings?

 

Yes, they are idiots when it comes to this.

 

Exactly, its like they will always assume these things about me no matter what I say. I don't think they will ever believe I date unless I post a picture of me and a guy onto FB or me and a bunch of friends.

 

It's like to them if they didn't see it on FB or they weren't told throughout the year by the one aunt who does text/call me every 3-4 months, then it's not true.

 

Also, the aunt I keep in somewhat contact with throughout the year doesn't even really ask me about my dating, friends, just assumes I'll tell her.

This is the same aunt that almost passed out because I said I went on a few dates with a guy. She started saying just you and him, you didn't tell me, I didn't know you dated, etc..

It's like her response was so ridiculous, my sister even saw it and thought it was nuts.

 

Well it's just one gathering a year and I wouldn't mind it if it wasn't for these crazy comments.

 

One year I was only taking 3 college courses and another aunt I see a few times a year and barely talks to me said in front of the whole room "give me a break" when I told her I take 3 courses. She embarrassed me. She had no reason to pass judgement, because she doesn't know me or anything about my life.

 

It's like these family members don't see or talk to me for a year then come to life with their judgements about the assumptions they made about my life.

[Arieswoman]

GH101,

Do you really have to go to these events? Really?

 

I would bite the bullet here and when you get the next invitation decline. If they ask why tell them that you don't enjoy going because you are sick of their judgemental remarks. Tell them what you've told us and just stay away.

 

Of course they won't like it, but, hey, that's their problem.

 

I used to belong to a music group and there were 2 girls there who had a habit of speaking to me disrespectfully in front of other members. I called them out on it, but they still did it.

 

So I left the group. When the group leader asked why I told her straight. She said she was sorry and she would speak to them. I said it was too late, she (the leader) had heard the disrespectful remarks that were made and didn't do anything about it then, so why was she bothered now?

She had no answer to that.

 

Years ago I had to accept the unpalatable fact that you have no control over other people's behaviour. so I just learned to walk away. No arguments, no drama just walked away.

 

I don't think the sky will fall in if you don't go to these events, so I'd stop going.

[GH101]

GH101,

Do you really have to go to these events? Really?

 

I would bite the bullet here and when you get the next invitation decline. If they ask why tell them that you don't enjoy going because you are sick of their judgemental remarks. Tell them what you've told us and just stay away.

 

Of course they won't like it, but, hey, that's their problem.

 

I used to belong to a music group and there were 2 girls there who had a habit of speaking to me disrespectfully in front of other members. I called them out on it, but they still did it.

 

So I left the group. When the group leader asked why I told her straight. She said she was sorry and she would speak to them. I said it was too late, she (the leader) had heard the disrespectful remarks that were made and didn't do anything about it then, so why was she bothered now?

She had no answer to that.

 

Years ago I had to accept the unpalatable fact that you have no control over other people's behaviour. so I just learned to walk away. No arguments, no drama just walked away.

 

I don't think the sky will fall in if you don't go to these events, so I'd stop going.

 

I hear what your saying. It's just this gathering is only once a year. I do enjoy the food and seeing some of the family. Its just certain members really are annoying.

I just don't want to hear the assumptions or say good comebacks to shut them up for good about these ridiculous assumptions.

[Arieswoman]

GH101,

 

I do enjoy the food and seeing some of the family. Its just certain members really are annoying.

 

They say "we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family"

 

Unfortunately it's you who'll have to make the choice.

 

These idiots aren't going to change and they'll go through life being their annoying silly selves until they "fall of the plate."

 

So are you going to go and try and keep out of their way or not go?

 

Or could you not go but arrange another meetup yourself for some of the folks you do like?

[CC12]

I don't really care what they think, I'm just insulted, annoyed at their assumptions of my life.

 

Being insulted and annoyed means you care what they think. Stop caring what they think.

[GH101]

GH101,

 

 

 

They say "we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family"

 

Unfortunately it's you who'll have to make the choice.

 

These idiots aren't going to change and they'll go through life being their annoying silly selves until they "fall of the plate."

 

So are you going to go and try and keep out of their way or not go?

 

Or could you not go but arrange another meetup yourself for some of the folks you do like?

 

I'll go, but just surround myself with the people I like. I could always just hang with my sister.

I could also turn their assumptions into amusement and think differently. Like I could just laugh off their silly comments.

 

Again easier said then done.

[GH101]

Being insulted and annoyed means you care what they think. Stop caring what they think.

 

Very true, it's just sometimes these assumptions are so ridiculous I can't help but feel annoyed.

[GH101]

It's like the older cousins are asking cousins my age about things in the city, cool places to go, dating, friends etc. Then when I chime in everyone is shocked I go to these places or I date. Its like they make me feel like I'm a loser or something when they know nothing about my life.

 

Its like their reactions to me dating or going out without my parents is priceless. Like my aunt's kids are my age and have been dating since they were 10, but I tell her in I went out with this guy a few times and she starts saying you date??? What???

 

Its like why do they think I'm so strange?

 

They should assume I do date, have friends.

 

Its like 5 years ago a cousin ran into my sister, parents and me at the mall on Sat night and now she assumes we still go to the mall every Sat. Its just so ridiculous.

 

The wedding my parents were at last year was priceless. She told me all the cousins freaked out because I was out with friends. Like my mom had to finally say she goes out. They wanted to know where I went and my mom finally said call her and ask her. It was crazy. I wasn't invited to the wedding extended cousin, just my parents went.

Edited September 29, 2016 by GH101

[GH101]

Does anyone have good comebacks when my family starts judging me with the assumptions they have made??

[Tayla]

Sounds like a lot of assumptions on both sides. We know ppl as well as they know us sometimes.

 

Here's a great comeback. Show genuine interest in them. And in return they will get to know the true you.

 

Once I stopped "defending" the skewed commentaries things dissipate. Try it. It's called polite discretion.

[GH101]

Sounds like a lot of assumptions on both sides. We know ppl as well as they know us sometimes.

 

Here's a great comeback. Show genuine interest in them. And in return they will get to know the true you.

 

Once I stopped "defending" the skewed commentaries things dissipate. Try it. It's called polite discretion.

 

Yes that would work with other people, but not my extended family.

 

As soon as I talk to them they start judging and assuming things about me.

 

I don't assume I know anything about their lives, so when I ask them questions out of genuine curiosity they get insulted I don't know things about their life. I act like a normal person who realizes I haven't seen and talked to someone in over a year and don't assume I know what's going on in their lives.

When they get insulted I don't know something about their lives I usually respond saying I haven't spoken to you in over a year and they're like it hasn't been that long has it?