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My brother's mid-life crisis [and affair]


Gigi2015

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My brother is a good and decent person but he's really confused(having a mid-life crisis) I'd he had always acknowledged like to help him. This in no way consumes me but I see my brother making a HUGE mistake he'll regret later. It all started about a year ago. He became involved in an affair. He has always had anger issues in the sense that if he's really angry it's hard for him to let go. My sis-in-law has been a God sent. She's supported him though his dark times and he's become a successful person. She has worked 95% of the relationship. Stood by him when he was in jail for 3 months for assault worked overtime to pay bills while he was getting his masters degree. She is in a sense passive. She worked overtime...did All the house cleaning, payed bills, ran errands, house repairs, etc....thing is she's an orphan.

 

From what I've seen she's very beautiful, strong, assertive, loyal....but--this all has changed. But--my brother is experiencing a mid-life crisis. She lost her job and got depressed. She was supposed to retire a year later. They have no chi

Daren. She started getting depressed and in my assessment needed him for once in her life. Instead...he cracks and has an affair.

 

One week he loves her and the next he hates her....and blames her for being unstable. The thing is what she doesn't know is hurting her. She can't figure it out. An example: She noticed his emotional detachment. He doubled business dinners(to see his ap)...she started investigating(per his words) and found many inconsistencie. The thing is when she points them out he calls her insecure and crazy. He makes up excuses to spend time with OW. Creates fights Etc... But then feels guilty and goes into good guy mode. My sis-in-law is really taking a hit. She can't figure it out and gives him the benefit of the doubt.

 

The thing is he wants attention...just not hers. He's lost. His wife attempts to please him but eventually fails. But--she's loved one minute and hated then the next..she can't possibly understand what's really going on.he actually resents her for trying as hard as she is. She's has gained and lost weight and doesn't seem like herself anymore. What even better is my brother BLAMES her for being inconsistent. He seeks for my opinion but--I really think he wants to be enabled.

 

His AP is also married. I think my brother is really confused....I want to help. I can hardly look at my sis-in-law in the face....

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You can try & persuade him to get into IC. See if you can talk your parents into helping you? Maybe even talking your sister Inlaw to try MC with him...besides that I don't know what you can do. It being my brother, I wouldn't tell on him.

 

I'd just keep trying to talk some sense into him...all you can do.

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Your brother isn't confused. He's an arse.

 

Tough spot for you. If you can't get yourself to rat out your brother, I'd at least refuse to be a party to it anymore and I'd disassociate from them. Your brother needs to either fix his marriage or leave it. What he's doing to his wife is abuse. If he's going to play single, he should release her so that she can do the same. She's only got one life and she's wasting it on him.

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how can you think he's a good and decent person when he treats his wife like this? And he's been in jail? And she does 95% of the relationship? And creates fights?

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Your brother isn't confused. He's an arse.

 

Tough spot for you. If you can't get yourself to rat out your brother, I'd at least refuse to be a party to it anymore and I'd disassociate from them. Your brother needs to either fix his marriage or leave it. What he's doing to his wife is abuse. If he's going to play single, he should release her so that she can do the same. She's only got one life and she's wasting it on him.

 

This is evident for her brother but she asked for advice on what she can do to help, not her brother needs to do.

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You can try & persuade him to get into IC. See if you can talk your parents into helping you? Maybe even talking your sister Inlaw to try MC with him...besides that I don't know what you can do. It being my brother, I wouldn't tell on him.

 

I'd just keep trying to talk some sense into him...all you can do.

 

I have...he's not ready. But--he is simply confused. He actually went NC over the holidays and told me he had been a fool and reconnected with his wife. The problem is he still sees this woman from time to time. It's amazing how he was demonizing get my SIL.

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how can you think he's a good and decent person when he treats his wife like this? And he's been in jail? And she does 95% of the relationship? And creates fights?

 

He's her brother. People treat different people differently. I have Uncle's that sucked as dads but were great to my brother & I. He may be a crappy husband doesn't mean he's a crappy brother.

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Your brother isn't confused. He's an arse.

 

Tough spot for you. If you can't get yourself to rat out your brother, I'd at least refuse to be a party to it anymore and I'd disassociate from them. Your brother needs to either fix his marriage or leave it. What he's doing to his wife is abuse. If he's going to play single, he should release her so that she can do the same. She's only got one life and she's wasting it on him.

 

 

I know he's behaving as an arse but--he's still my brother. I still care that he doesn't get lost in la-la land. I know this is nothing but an illusion ...where he gets to be "new" again....in his mind perhaps for the last time. I may be the only neutral voice he has. I definitely call him out. I love him.

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I have...he's not ready. But--he is simply confused. He actually went NC over the holidays and told me he had been a fool and reconnected with his wife. The problem is he still sees this woman from time to time. It's amazing how he was demonizing get my SIL.

 

He has to demonize her to make what he's doing ok...in his head. If he's been going NC, that's good. Have you thought about talking to OW yourself?

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she said "good and decent person." Standing by my statement that he's not. And she should tell him so. That is how she should help him.

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This is evident for her brother but she asked for advice on what she can do to help, not her brother needs to do.

 

What the OP can do is not be an enabler but set an example. The OP can say to the brother that his behavior is abhorrent and insist that he changes or he's going to lose a family member over it. And it'll be the OP's brother's problem to explain it. But I'd encourage the OP to refuse to be a party to the deception any longer and to explain why.

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how can you think he's a good and decent person when he treats his wife like this? And he's been in jail? And she does 95% of the relationship? And creates fights?

 

Because--I believe this is the result of confusion...he has never cheated before. And he can't even do it full-time. I know he has great qualities and had been a loyal husband for 2 decades. I simply think he got lost. I know it's tough to reconcile but he's always been such a good son, brother, friend....as for the AP....I think she's nothing but trouble....I don't get it. I met her(not per my approval)...she can't compare to my SIL

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She said she's told him off. You can't go around cutting family members off bc their screwing up (unless abusing you in some way) everyone in the world would be cut off then! Talking to someone while screwing up isn't enabling. She's evidently upset or wouldn't have asked for help.

 

She has seen his good. When you know someone your whole life, you see their mistakes & triumphs. Bad decisions don't make you a horrible person forever. Would anyone want to be labeled that way for life for your mistakes?

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He needs therapy and she needs a friend who understands.

 

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

 

Be her friend.

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She has worked 95% of the relationship. Stood by him when he was in jail for 3 months for assault worked overtime to pay bills while he was getting his masters degree. She is in a sense passive. She worked overtime...did All the house cleaning, payed bills, ran errands, house repairs, etc....thing is she's an orphan.

 

Sounds like he not only lost his way but she has been doing the lions share for a long time. I don't know, but reading the above makes me wonder whether she will stay with him when she finds out.

 

If you want to help, why not try and get him into therapy?

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She said she's told him off. You can't go around cutting family members off bc their screwing up (unless abusing you in some way) e

 

who said cut him off?

 

Tell him he's being a jerk, tell him you'll not be his accomplice while he betrays his wife, and give him 24 hours to tell her himself before you do. THAT is helping him.

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He has to demonize her to make what he's doing ok...in his head. If he's been going NC, that's good. Have you thought about talking to OW yourself?

 

No...the OW is a person I don't want to even entairtaim having a relationship with. She's been married numerous times, has children from numerous marriages, and still has a husband who takes care of her and HER children financially( although she's cheating on him) She is nothing special. She's a drunk with huge fake knockers....and not even as pretty as my SIL.but 8 years younger...I seriously don't need to talk to this person. I don't give my brother advice. Simply ask questions that he has to answer to himself...as to maybe provide clarity.

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What the OP can do is not be an enabler but set an example. The OP can say to the brother that his behavior is abhorrent and insist that he changes or he's going to lose a family member over it. And it'll be the OP's brother's problem to explain it. But I'd encourage the OP to refuse to be a party to the deception any longer and to explain why.

 

It's her brother. She loves him, she's not cutting him or sister Inlaw out. Do you follow this advice of cutting everyone out that makes mistakes? Your wife mistakes was against you, completely understand but you go cutting people out bc of bad choices you'll see one day when you've made a bad choice/mistake no one will be there for you. IMO, it's very lonely being perfect.

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No...the OW is a person I don't want to even entairtaim having a relationship with. She's been married numerous times, has children from numerous marriages, and still has a husband who takes care of her and HER children financially( although she's cheating on him) She is nothing special. She's a drunk with huge fake knockers....and not even as pretty as my SIL.but 8 years younger...I seriously don't need to talk to this person. I don't give my brother advice. Simply ask questions that he has to answer to himself...as to maybe provide clarity.

 

I didn't mean befriend her, I meant in the way of telling her you don't think this ok, that you love your brother but she's never be welcomed with you. Along those lines.

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Sounds like he not only lost his way but she has been doing the lions share for a long time. I don't know, but reading the above makes me wonder whether she will stay with him when she finds out.

 

If you want to help, why not try and get him into therapy?

 

I don't think she'll stay. But--it saddens me to see her so sad...even blaming herself when he's the one with the conflict avoidance issues....if she knew about the gas lighting she'd be gone.

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having an affair is not a mistake. Its a choice. a poor one.

deciding not to have someone in your life because they are making poor choices is called boundaries. And its the healthy way of establishing and honoring your own values.

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I don't think she'll stay. But--it saddens me to see her so sad...even blaming herself when he's the one with the conflict avoidance issues....if she knew about the gas lighting she'd be gone.

 

then you are contributing to the gaslighting. and that is abusive Gigi. please don't continue that any longer.

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I didn't mean befriend her, I meant in the way of telling her you don't think this ok, that you love your brother but she's never be welcomed with you. Along those lines.

 

My stance is I refuse to meet with her. My brother wanted for us to have lunch together and I refused. Told him I would NOT be a part of it. There's nothing I could tell this woman to desuade her from not seeking out my brother. My brother is THE responsible party here.

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who said cut him off?

 

Tell him he's being a jerk, tell him you'll not be his accomplice while he betrays his wife, and give him 24 hours to tell her himself before you do. THAT is helping him.

 

IMO, that would help. That opinion doesn't work with every family in every situation. If one of us told a Inlaw in our family, only God would be able to help you.

 

She wants to help not be the one to nail the coffin.

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