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Mom AND Bestie are BOTH Debbie Downers


Karine26

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I was looking for advice on how to deal with a mom AND a best friend who are both miserable debbie downers. I have always been happy and positive so much so that my nickname is Smiley. I always try to have a positive outlook and am very happy with life right now.

 

However, it seems as though as soon as I wake up in then morning my mom has something negative to text me-like she enjoys ruining my day. I'm telling you, I get up at 5:30 and at 5:45 (8:45 her time) I hear her ringtone and I literally roll my eyes because I know it's something negative. (i.e this crime happened- 3 hours away from my hometown mind you-, something she saw negative on the news that doesn't even effect me, a crime that happened in the Northern part of the state where I live when I lie in the Southern part)... it's just annoying!! I could tell her about something that I'm super excited about and she can always find something negative to say to ruin the mood. She has always been like this but lately its really getting to me. I'm 30. If I have a new guy that I'm dating she gets upset instead of happy for me. I told her that she is the only mom that wants her daughter to be old and alone. She's still married to my dad so I don't understand why she's so bitter about me finding someone.

 

Now on to my best friend. She lives in a different state and is married to a complete jerk! He used to hit her and cheat on her with transexuals but has now left him. They were basically roommates for years. However, she repeatedly calls and texts me to tell me she misses him and its been years since they have acted as husband and wife. I ask her why the hell would you miss someone like that? I know she has issues that I can't help but its been years. I feel like she likes being miserable. She then says she's sad when she thinks about her ex before her husband (who she's been in contact with) bc he's married. Ummm he was your college sweetheart its been 10 years yes he has moved on!! & you live in NYC there are literally MILLIONS of people there go out and do something and meet more people!! She has been there for over a decade and has no real friends (although I kind of understand why).

 

These 2 are literally draining my energy. I told my mom this a few years ago so she put a huge guilt trip on me and nagged my dad until he called me and yelled at me like I was a teenager for telling her those things, even though he knows for a fact that she's a debbie downer (my dad is a happy person too). They didn't talk to me for moths over that. I even went to therapy for it. The therapist told me to just look at my mom as having a mental illness and that she can't help herself.

 

I was wondering if you guys could give me any advice. Its hard being happy and positive when I get bombarded with negativity literally 5 minutes after I wake up.

 

Thanks for reading!!

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i agree w/your dad. you're 30? this reads like the post of an 18-year-old spoiled child. really. you've never had a problem and brought someone else down? you've never had a bad day at work and snapped at somebody? your sunny personality isn't always on either and even you might be a downer to someone else. if it bothers you so much you should just limit the amount of time you talk/text with them. everyone is different and your concept of negative/debbie downer could be her idea of realistic. she probably doesn't see herself as you do and it's not like you're going to change her, so enjoy both of their personalities and be a better friend and daughter. how positive are you if you're filled with such negativity about them??

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i agree w/your dad. you're 30? this reads like the post of an 18-year-old spoiled child. really. you've never had a problem and brought someone else down? you've never had a bad day at work and snapped at somebody? your sunny personality isn't always on either and even you might be a downer to someone else. if it bothers you so much you should just limit the amount of time you talk/text with them. everyone is different and your concept of negative/debbie downer could be her idea of realistic. she probably doesn't see herself as you do and it's not like you're going to change her, so enjoy both of their personalities and be a better friend and daughter. how positive are you if you're filled with such negativity about them??

 

 

Of course everyone has their bad days!! But every single day for years?? Its quite exhausting to hear negativity from sunrise to sunset. I feel bad ignoring someone so I answer their calls and negative texts (daily) but at some point I feel like you can't be mad at me for NOT wanting to hear negativity and the same problems you have been going through for 3 years. Either fix it, get professional help or stop complaining. It's draining.

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Of course everyone has their bad days!! But every single day for years?? Its quite exhausting to hear negativity from sunrise to sunset. I feel bad ignoring someone so I answer their calls and negative texts (daily) but at some point I feel like you can't be mad at me for NOT wanting to hear negativity and the same problems you have been going through for 3 years. Either fix it, get professional help or stop complaining. It's draining.

 

I don't think you sound like a teenager at all. My mom is also very negative I get how you feel and I'm your age. I just avoid her calls and call her back at the end of the day. Its funny because I heard this topic on the radio on Friday. A guy called in saying he avoided his mom's calls because she only wanted to talk about negative or sad things and he knew his mood would be ruined after he talked to her. He was also in his 30s. Everyone was calling him a jerk but I definitely understood where he was coming from. It is very taxing. I feel what you are going through. I also feel like if I had a mom and a best friend do that to me daily I would just stop returning every single text and call for my own sanity. Misery loves miserable company. Cheers.

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I don't think you sound like a teenager at all. My mom is also very negative I get how you feel and I'm your age. I just avoid her calls and call her back at the end of the day. Its funny because I heard this topic on the radio on Friday. A guy called in saying he avoided his mom's calls because she only wanted to talk about negative or sad things and he knew his mood would be ruined after he talked to her. He was also in his 30s. Everyone was calling him a jerk but I definitely understood where he was coming from. It is very taxing. I feel what you are going through. I also feel like if I had a mom and a best friend do that to me daily I would just stop returning every single text and call for my own sanity. Misery loves miserable company. Cheers.

 

Thank you. Yeah I guess I'll try that. I'll just let them know I'm really busy at work or something and maybe they'll get the hint lol Maybe.

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Maybe instead of being so awful towards your mother you should reach out once in a while. She may just be trying to find a reason to call and make sure your ok. She raised you for about 20 years, you can't check in on her once in a while? Maybe she's not ok, have you ever thought to ask her how her day is, or what she's up to lately?

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ohhhhh I could have written this post myself!!! My mom is the same way! I feel like she constantly has a bucket of cold water that she cannot wait to pour over my head when I have an ounce of excitement about something.

 

I disagree with the one poster above. The fact that you are answering their calls and texts consistently and came on here for advice shows that you are a good friend and daughter IMO. I'm sorry but if my friend were to cry and feel down about a guy that hit her and cheated on her with trannys I wouldn't want to hear it after 3 years either. She sounds as if she needs professional help.

 

It is not your duty to listen to people and their miserableness constantly, even if it is your mom and your bf. I would do as the above poster said and just answer them once and go on about your day. It sounds like they are far away from you, maybe they are missing you and doing it for attention. Or jealous of something and trying to make you pay in some way.

 

I got to the point to where I don't even feel bad ignoring my mom. I just do it. Maybe you'll get there one day!

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Maybe instead of being so awful towards your mother you should reach out once in a while. She may just be trying to find a reason to call and make sure your ok. She raised you for about 20 years, you can't check in on her once in a while? Maybe she's not ok, have you ever thought to ask her how her day is, or what she's up to lately?

 

Yes I do it every day! And have for 7 years, since I moved. I don't understand how I"m "awful" because I don't want to hear negative things all day. Who does? Even so I'm still nice to her. I just told her a year or so ago it would be nice to hear what is good once and awhile with a smiley face and she wouldn't talk to me for months because of that.

 

If your mom got mad at you every time you had a date, told you you wouldn't get any job you interviewed for and constantly says things like "they probably picked someone else" as I was waiting for an interview call back...after years of that you wouldn't be annoyed? If not please give me your secret because I need it lol

 

Even when I told her I was moving she would say things like "you'll never make it, you'll be back in 6 months" and something as easy as putting an Ikea desk together "there's no way you'll be able to do that, that's way too hard for you" I could go on and on but its constant negativity and who wants to talk to someone who turns everything into negative? BUT I still talk to her.

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ohhhhh I could have written this post myself!!! My mom is the same way! I feel like she constantly has a bucket of cold water that she cannot wait to pour over my head when I have an ounce of excitement about something.

 

I disagree with the one poster above. The fact that you are answering their calls and texts consistently and came on here for advice shows that you are a good friend and daughter IMO. I'm sorry but if my friend were to cry and feel down about a guy that hit her and cheated on her with trannys I wouldn't want to hear it after 3 years either. She sounds as if she needs professional help.

 

It is not your duty to listen to people and their miserableness constantly, even if it is your mom and your bf. I would do as the above poster said and just answer them once and go on about your day. It sounds like they are far away from you, maybe they are missing you and doing it for attention. Or jealous of something and trying to make you pay in some way.

 

I got to the point to where I don't even feel bad ignoring my mom. I just do it. Maybe you'll get there one day!

 

YES! The bucket of cold water thing is so true. I feel like that too. And yes my friend does need professional help. I did let her know that and thankfully she agreed with me.

 

I'm glad you understand

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Why don't you just tell your mom to knock it the hell off. Tell her what you've shared here, that it's draining and you're sick of her negativity. Then put her on ignore, or tell her that you're busy and you'll talk to her on the weekend. It also sounds like you may be over sharing things with her. I mean, you know how she's going to react, so just stop telling her personal things about your dating and job prospects, etc. talk about the weather and ask her how her day is. You know, just keep the conversation light.

 

Sounds like you both might need to set some boundaries with each other.

 

Same with the girlfriend.

Edited by Lurkeraspect
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Why don't you just tell your mom to knock it the hell off. Tell her what you've shared here, that it's draining and you're sick of her negativity. Then put her on ignore, or tell her that you're busy and you'll talk to her on the weekend. It also sounds like you may be over sharing things with her. I mean, you know how she's going to react, so just stop telling her personal things about your dating and job prospects, etc. talk about the weather and ask her how her day is. You know, just keep the conversation light.

 

Sounds like you both might need to set some boundaries with each other.

 

Same with the girlfriend.

 

LOL! True. I wish I could say that to her lol I actually did stop telling her stuff but since I'm from a small town she finds out through some of my facebook friends and family. I didn't tell her I was dating someone so she called me and said "Uggh I hate when you date people and don't tell me!!" I said "Well I don't tell you bc you always act like its the end of the world." And she said "bc you will probably never pick the right guy" haha I just let that one go. If she found out I was Online dating she would have a heart attack-although I really wouldn't blame her for that one honestly lol

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You're a 30 year old, best I can tell, independant woman. Mommy shouldn't be calling you everyday. Tell her that you love her, and would enjoy talking to her, but not everyday and most certainly not every morning. Have her compile a list of all her woes and worries and just email it to you. Set up a special folder just for her, drink some wine and read them once a week. Haha.

 

It's that saying...you teach people how to treat you.

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I'm sorry but in no way do I think you sound awful and I think that poster used a poor choice of words.

 

I couldn't take hearing all of those negative statements in one week let alone for years! That is why I minimized contact with my mom. At first did I feel guilty? Yes. Do I feel much better now? DOUBLE yes! :)

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I don't blame you for not liking your mother's behaviour. It's very draining to deal with negativity. In fact I admire the way that you have let it bounce off you for so many years and kept your own positive attitude.

 

 

I agree with the poster above that you should set some boundaries with her like reducing the daily contact to once a week. The way that she talks to you is likely the way that she talks to herself which is why she felt so offended when you asked her to please not be negative. She sees insults everywhere even where there aren't any, and that's why it can be hard to set boundaries with someone like this. Do it as kindly as possible and try not to worry too much how she takes it.

 

 

And you are most certainly not being awful towards your mother. She is being awful towards you. I think it is so funny how people will take someone's side simply because they are "the mother." Mothers are people too and sometimes they aren't very nice, intentionally or not. I think you are doing your best to be kind to her.

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I don't blame you for not liking your mother's behaviour. It's very draining to deal with negativity. In fact I admire the way that you have let it bounce off you for so many years and kept your own positive attitude.

 

 

I agree with the poster above that you should set some boundaries with her like reducing the daily contact to once a week. The way that she talks to you is likely the way that she talks to herself which is why she felt so offended when you asked her to please not be negative. She sees insults everywhere even where there aren't any, and that's why it can be hard to set boundaries with someone like this. Do it as kindly as possible and try not to worry too much how she takes it.

 

 

And you are most certainly not being awful towards your mother. She is being awful towards you. I think it is so funny how people will take someone's side simply because they are "the mother." Mothers are people too and sometimes they aren't very nice, intentionally or not. I think you are doing your best to be kind to her.

 

Thank you. She's actually on a rant right now and that's why I came here to see if any new posts have been posted. I have been ignoring the texts 1. Because I'm at work and 2. None of her texts really need a response. They're all negative though. I do feel guilty for not answering although I am able to answer calls and texts at work whenever I want.

 

I am going to take the advice and just respond later at night so I don't have to go all day every day like this. Yes it is very draining but am concerned that no response will ignite more texts lol I hope not!!

 

Thanks for responding!!

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