Partner's Friend's Family Dies?

[treehugger101]

My Boyfriend has a friend whose uncle just passed away. My Boyfriend feels really bad on how his friend is feeling all sad and depressed about his uncle. He asked me what advice I could give for his friend, I told him "Everything will be okay". I really don't know what else I can do or say. But my Boyfriend is expecting me to feel sad. I don't know what to do, what would you do in a situation like this?

[Jersey born raised]

Learn to endure, cope, and accept. It is no different then my arthritic knee with a chip in it. Don't ski, play soft ball, or play basketball any more. That us life.

 

I lost my folks a few years ago. They were in their late seventies. At times hear and feel them in my life. I enjoy the connection that survives even death.

[anika99]

I don't really understand what your BF wants from you. It wasn't his uncle who died it was his friend's uncle. How can he expect you to feel grief over the death of a person you didn't even know? The most you can do is offer your condolences to his friend when you see him.

 

Death of a loved one is always sad and painful for the people who loved the deceased. When a friend or acquaintance tells me someone they love has passed on I don't really feel any sadness over the death of someone who is a stranger to me but I can feel sad for the friend because I know how much it hurts. When you see your BF's friend you can tell him that you have been thinking of him and you are sorry for his loss. Give him a hug if he looks open to that. Other than that there really isn't much else for you to do. You nor your BF can take away the pain. The friend has to go through the grieving process. Nobody can change that.

[treehugger101]

I don't really understand what your BF wants from you. It wasn't his uncle who died it was his friend's uncle. How can he expect you to feel grief over the death of a person you didn't even know? The most you can do is offer your condolences to his friend when you see him.

 

Death of a loved one is always sad and painful for the people who loved the deceased. When a friend or acquaintance tells me someone they love has passed on I don't really feel any sadness over the death of someone who is a stranger to me but I can feel sad for the friend because I know how much it hurts. When you see your BF's friend you can tell him that you have been thinking of him and you are sorry for his loss. Give him a hug if he looks open to that. Other than that there really isn't much else for you to do. You nor your BF can take away the pain. The friend has to go through the grieving process. Nobody can change that.

 

I think my BF wanted me to feel sad and show empathy or sympathy. But its not my problem, as I told him, that sucks your friend's uncle died and he feels sad, but everything will get better.

[d0nnivain]

I assume you didn't know the friend's uncle.

 

 

I doubt your BF is expecting you to mourn the loss but I think a bit of empathy is in order. I really hope you didn't say "it's not my problem."

 

 

Listen to your BF as he talks about his friend. Let him be sad. By saying that "everything is going to be alright" is basically asking him to stop experiencing his own emotions because you can't handle them. Just listen. Let him his cry. Let him be sad. Support him.

 

 

At some point you will be the one experiencing loss.

 

 

An organization DH & I belong to holds memorial services & does routine ritual for those who have passed. For about a year after my parents died, I would bawl my eyes out at those ceremonies. Certain people couldn't stand to be around me but I wasn't about to suppress my emotions because it made them uncomfortable. They learned to tolerate my crying, even if they hated to see me in pain. Over the years many people told me it taught them that it was OK to grieve. We as a society spend too much time hiding our grief away. I got better because I let it out.

[treehugger101]

I assume you didn't know the friend's uncle.

 

 

I doubt your BF is expecting you to mourn the loss but I think a bit of empathy is in order. I really hope you didn't say "it's not my problem."

 

 

Listen to your BF as he talks about his friend. Let him be sad. By saying that "everything is going to be alright" is basically asking him to stop experiencing his own emotions because you can't handle them. Just listen. Let him his cry. Let him be sad. Support him.

 

 

At some point you will be the one experiencing loss.

 

 

An organization DH & I belong to holds memorial services & does routine ritual for those who have passed. For about a year after my parents died, I would bawl my eyes out at those ceremonies. Certain people couldn't stand to be around me but I wasn't about to suppress my emotions because it made them uncomfortable. They learned to tolerate my crying, even if they hated to see me in pain. Over the years many people told me it taught them that it was OK to grieve. We as a society spend too much time hiding our grief away. I got better because I let it out.

 

Well I did, because I don't care, and I don't give a f^^k either. I care but hey its not my family, I am sorry it happened but what else can I say or do? I didn't like the fact that he was ignoring me, and then he says we were going to hang out and we never did, because he was helping his friend. I didn't like that, he could have told me to leave him be, so he could help his friend thats all, but he didn't do that.

 

Now hes mad at me saying I need to be more supportive and care but now he doesn't give a f**k either etc. So right now I am just going to leave him alone for the time being, because it seems that when I leave people alone, it makes things better, because they don't have to deal with me.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well I did, because I don't care, and I don't give a f^^k either. I care but hey its not my family, I am sorry it happened but what else can I say or do? I didn't like the fact that he was ignoring me, and then he says we were going to hang out and we never did, because he was helping his friend. I didn't like that, he could have told me to leave him be, so he could help his friend thats all, but he didn't do that.

 

Now hes mad at me saying I need to be more supportive and care but now he doesn't give a f**k either etc. So right now I am just going to leave him alone for the time being, because it seems that when I leave people alone, it makes things better, because they don't have to deal with me.

 

Have you thought of taking up a career as a bereavement counsellor....?

I think you'd be wonderful at it.

You know, bring people down to earth with a bump.

"Your husband's dead - get over it, I have better things to do than pull you through this!"

 

That should snap 'em out of it....

[turnera]

I think my BF wanted me to feel sad and show empathy or sympathy. But its not my problem, as I told him, that sucks your friend's uncle died and he feels sad, but everything will get better.

Yes, he DID want you to empathize. It may not be his uncle, but it most likely was someone he knew and, if nothing else, he empathizes with his friend.

 

That you can say 'it's not my problem' makes me worry for you. Are you even CAPABLE of caring for his feelings or anyone else's?

 

Wow. Just read the rest of your posts. Have you ALWAYS been so selfish and self-centered?

 

I hope your boyfriend wises up and runs.

 

when I leave people alone, it makes things better, because they don't have to deal with me

I think you've pretty much said it all. Edited October 18, 2015 by turnera