KittyKat67 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I was abused as a child. Material wise they gave me EVERYTHING, and still help me financially because of my depression I still need them. Its a horrible cycle. I never really thought that I was abused, just disciplined. Everyone has some type of trauma in childhood so I just thought my depression was my own fault. This is what the abuse was as a child. My dad hit me so hard he bused my eardrum as a child. Once I didn't hear him call me, and I ran into the kitchen and he karate kicked me in my left rib. After my piano teacher left, (she was screaming at me because i didn't practice enough, he kicked my ass) He routinely would rage all of a sudden and just beat me if I spoke up about anything or a preceived back talk. HOnestly, I was always scared of him but I do say I was a child that had her own way. This toxic environment lasted until he stopped hitting me around the age of 16 when I ran away from home. However at the age of 21, he went through open heart surgery and when he was at home recuperating, he said I didn't visit him enough in the hospital and when I came home past curfew he said that and flew out of his bed and attacked me. This time my mom joined in and all i remember was being in a fetal position with the both of them wailing on me. Looking back, I'm glad that I didn't rage back because I would be in jail still right now. **Kicking my ass entailed hitting, slapping open handed (although never a closed fisted punch), when I was in a fetal position kicking me, throwing me against the wall, knuckle sandwhiching me on the had all the time, calling me stupid, all this was under rage, never under controlled emotions. MY QUESTION IS I'M CONFUSED ABOUT FORGIVING THEM AND ALLOWING THEM TO BE AROUND ME. THEY STILL WANT TO CONTROL MY LIFE. I can't heal unless I move away because you can't heal, unless the abuse stops. They don't hit me, but they are EXTREMELY dismisive towards me. The last straw was 2 years ago, my dad charge me on my patio. Hello, I[m a grown woman now. I still love them and for some reason still want their approval. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE HIGHLY APPRECIATED. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I can't even begin addressing this post, because I believe you need professional help and support. Your entire relationship with them has been, and still is, both toxic and dysfunctional. Please, go through your doctor and explain your situation. Ask them to refer you to someone qualified and professional. This is not something which can be dealt with on an open, relationships forum, to any marked degree of success. That said, we are here for you, but honestly: You need professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 No forgiveness & no contact forever is my advise. You can't love yourself if you allow people like that in your life. Actions have consequences. Don't keep hate in your heart, but never forgive something like that. Pretend they are both dead. Become independent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittyKat67 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the wise advice. Is there any way that a person can allow people like this back into their lives? I don't want to never speak to them. But I do know that I need to be away for at least a year to get my spirit back. They helped me buy a house, and told me so as a devensive reasoning. Also, this did happen 20 years ago. Am I wrong for still having issues. I stopped smoking pot and since then, have become healthy and am only now, beginning to realize what happened as I never held them accountable. Whats weird is that we do have many great times when we have supper together because they have left the past in the past. I hold a mean grudge still and it almost cost me my life as I was very suicidal. I do know that I deserve better but realized that maybe I am co dependant. I always feared hurting them so never wanted to bring it up but when aI did all hell broke loose. Currently they are leaving me alone after writing them about 20 letters explaing how mad ai am at the. I feel bad though now, I really do. They are elderly now. They are both healthy and super strong still. I'm still intimiated by them. Do you really think no contact forever is the best???? Im scared to be alone in this world now. I am in therapy now though. Just posting here to get another view. Edited October 7, 2015 by KittyKat67 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 If you are already in therapy, how has that gone for you? Do you feel progress? Has this therapist been constructive in helping you confront your feelings and deal with them? If you are asking these questions, I suspect there may be something not working for you there. It may be necessary to actually seek another therapist, because these issues should be under current scrutiny and be work-in-progress..... Link to post Share on other sites
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