Driver Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I am an unmarried 25 year old living with my boyfriend about two hours away from my family. I have pursued a career in medicine, so for the last several years of my life, I have been constantly busy with school, volunteering, clinical rotations (40-50 hours per week), and studying. When I have a free day, I usually spend it studying, catching up on errands, spending time with my boyfriend, or just getting in some much needed downtime. I usually try to drive up and see my family once per month, sometimes more. I almost always try to make it to family events. But I just don't have time (or mental/emotional/physical energy)...and sometimes I don't have the desire. I feel content living my own life at this stage in the game. The problem -- ever since my sister had kids a few years ago, I feel like I am constantly not meeting her expectations when it comes to spending time with them. Me seeing them once (sometimes twice) a month in addition to family events has not been enough. I will be moving back to my hometown in a few months, and I worry that when I return, she will have more expectations for me. I worry that I will deal with constant drama and criticism about how I don't prioritize her kids. She has already made comments about how my nieces "barely know me," which really hurts because I genuinely don't feel like that is the case. She has also continually given me crap for missing my niece's first birthday party because I had to work and had missed the day of work before for a good friend's wedding. She is also this way with my mother. She is constantly comparing my mother to her mother in law, who works a light schedule and spends all of her free time with her grandkids. Our mom, on the other hand, is a single women who owns a business and works 50-60 hours per week. She makes time to make Sunday dinner for the entire family almost every week, and visits with them outside of family dinner a few times a month. And she occasionally offers to babysit the kids so my sister and her husband can go on a date. But, my sister doesn't think that is enough. She thinks that she should be like "normal grandparents," who take an active role in raising their grandkids. She seems to think that the standard for grandparents is to spend time with their grandkids several times a week, including regular all day babysitting sessions. She frequently tells me that our mom is "selfish" and that she doesn't prioritize family, and she is constantly expressing disappointment that she has to raise kids all on her own. My sister has been like this even before she had kids. I remember constant battles between her and my mom growing up. The sad result was that my mom sort of pushed her away, which compounded the problem. I remember her criticizing me even when we were both in college for not spending enough time with her. I felt obligated to go over to her apartment on a regular basis and spend the night because she wanted me to. The irony of all of this is...my sister wants everyone to make her and her family a priority, but historically, she has not dished out this kind of undying devotion to family. Or me. She never once visited my dorm in college, never once visited my first apartment, never once visited my second apartment -- even when I asked her to. Additionally, she recently did not go to my graduation from my master's program so that she could go on a leisure trip to see her mother in law. It isn't that these things bother me or that I stew on them, I guess I just find it annoying and hypocritical of her. When confronted with this, she claims that "it is because I don't have kids." I recently found out that sister and her husband are contemplating moving away to be with his family. My sister states that there is "nothing for her here" as "no one here makes her family a priority." She says she finds it hard to justify staying here when she has "no help with raising the kids." These comments hurt. It hurts because I feel like no matter what I do, she is going to be unsatisified. It hurts because when I hang out with my nieces, I subconsciously wonder if I am scoring "points" with my sister or "making up" for times when I disappointed her -- it sounds so screwed up, but I feel like it is the dynamic she created. Does anyone have any experience with this? Anyone who can give me a new perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Your sister is needy and requires a lot of attention. She needs validation for her choice to have kids, and by living your own life, you are not giving her that validation and that makes her mad. You are not doing anything wrong. You are not obligated to spend time with your family. You don't need to justify your actions or explain yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Look, you're entitled to your life choices, and she to hers. If she were constantly helping you out, coming to visit you, and making sacrifices or any effort for you, I would say reconsider how you prioritize. But that's not the case. Indeed it's the exact opposite, and she's simply focused on getting as much as she can from everyone around her...through guilt, criticism, and whatever means necessary...while not reciprocating. Some people are self-centered like that. Focus on your studies and your life. You're still managing to see your family every month despite a hectic life with clinical rotations, etc. That's pretty good. Tune out the attempts at guilt-tripping. If she follows through on her threat to move, that's her choice and her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Driver Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Thanks for the responses. I tend to agree, but it has been hard to hear for years that I am a selfish person and have "screwed up priorities." After a while, it gets to me and I start to believe it. I do feel like I am an open person, so if I am being selfish and anyway I want to know. At the end of the day, I feel like I'm just a normal person. I'm not overly involved with my family nor am I isolates from them. I genuinely don't feel like any of my behavior is worth complaining about or labeling as selfish. I guess the sad truth is I feel like I can't have a normal relationship with my sister because of this. It's seriously puts a strain between us. Instead of being entirely comfortable with her, I fear what she truly thinks about me and I'm constantly waiting for the next "attack." I have tried talking to her about it, but most of the time it just ends up with her getting extremely upset and hanging up on me. It seems like it's a very sensitive topic for her as well, and no matter how I approach it, she is very inflammatory. As far as my mom is concerned… Are there any grandparents out there who could offer a perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 There is valid reason for the phrase- There is no place like home- Whatever that means for you is yours to define. In retrospect, None of that "get ahead" and work yourself to the bone, means anything when considering the time lost on not being with those who mean the most. You sound like you are in the phase of still spreading your wings and finding your way in life choices. I wish you well as you balance these priorities. I get what your sister is trying to convey, yet I also see that you are putting forth some solid efforts to maintain contact. each of you are fine in that way. Find that middle ground. Your sister is not your parent or paying your bills, so ask her to kindly regard your adult self. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 it has been hard to hear for years that I am a selfish person and have "screwed up priorities." really? becoming a doctor is 'screwed up'. doing so BEFORE you have a husband/children. the only problem is you --- not your choices but the lack of conviction to them. hence why your sister's comments lead you to question your choices. Keenly is correct. i suggest the next time sister 'goes there' say 'i'm good' and end the call or move to the next person (by doing so eliminates her the opportunity for the 'your selfish speech'). she'll get the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 She says she finds it hard to justify staying here when she has "no help with raising the kids." I would've said, "So, the only reason you're staying close by is so that you can get free help with the kids? In that case, you probably shouldn't." Well, maybe I wouldn't. But I sure would've liked to. Honestly, I've been in your shoes. There are two solutions IMO - the first is to smile and ignore and simply do whatever you please while saying whatever you need to say to placate them. Let their words wash over you like rain and don't take them to heart. The second solution is to go full frontal and say that her children are not your responsibility. You aren't a free nanny. Asking for help once in a while in an emergency is okay but expecting other people to constantly do her parenting for her isn't right. It was her choice to have her children, and her responsibility to take care of them. SHE is being selfish by hoisting the responsibility onto others. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I would tell her that different people have different priorities and that right now your priority is school. There is nothing wrong with that. Just out of curiosity, did she go to school and get into a good career before she had kids? Or did she just sort of marry and have kids without becoming fiancially stable and independent herself? Maybe she feels bad about her choices so she is trying to make you wrong so she can feel right. Edited August 16, 2015 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Author Driver Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 I've never thought about that... But I've been told by a few friends that she may be bitter as I still have loads of uncertainty ahead and she's more settled down. She went straight from an undergrad degree into living with her boyfriend (now husband) for a year and then got married within a year and had a kid within another year. She haa tried a few side business ventures in that time but overall her husband is the bread winner. I don't think she or anyone in my family really get the stress/pressure I am under in the medical field and as a result I probably come off selfish. Case in point. I am babysitting my sister's kids in her town (two hours away) next week for four days in a row, 6:30 AM - 7:00 PM. I am happy to do this as she is out of town and I feel like I have some free time since I graduated and just finished taking my boards. I figured I could also see my family during that time while I was down there. Well, tonight they were having a birthday party for my grandma... In a town about 2.5 hours away. They told me this a few days ago and although I was secretly annoyed to be making such a long trip twice in a week I said I would be there. Long story short on my way I ended up getting lost and went the wrong direction... I had been driving 2.5 hours and had 1.5 hours more to go and would show up at the party late. I was upset... Frustrated... Called my sister who was unsympathetic and I got the feeling quickly from my family that my efforts were not appreciated, that instead this was a demand and I needed to be there no matter what cost (keep in mind I spend more quality time with my grandparents than any person on my family). I felt even more pressure from them and stressed with all the traffic and decided to turn around and go back home, as I felt it wouldn't be worth the four hour drive to be at the party for two hours max. Well -- I got crap for it. My sister said "Oh, great excuse, worked out perfectly because you didn't want to go anyway!" Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Why exactly are you babysitting an ingrate's kids for four days straight? Other than even more criticism what exactly are you hoping to get out of this? Are you a masochist? Or a martyr? Do you just enjoy playing victim? Are you looking to succeed where Sisyphus failed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Driver Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 LOL. The "ingrate's children" are my nieces and this is the first chance I've had to spend a long stretch of one on one time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Driver Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 LOL. The "ingrate's children" are my nieces and this is the first chance I've had to spend a long stretch of one on one time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Okay, I was being tongue-in-cheek there. Still four days?!? Realistically, have you dealt with small children over an extended period of time? She's asking a lot. Take them out for an afternoon or a day. Then you can be the fun aunt that they look forward to seeing. Not the substitute parent, which happens with extended care. My niece and nephew love me. We do cool stuff their parents would never dream of doing. Where is her perfect mother-in-law in all of this? Doesn't she live to watch the little ones? Link to post Share on other sites
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