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My sister wants me to un-invite my boyfriend from xmas day


louberr27

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Im due to go to my sister & her husband for christmas day. Her husbands brother and his girlfriend, plus my sisters two step-children will be there for dinner, plus me. I asked her yesterday if I could invite my boyf of 3 months to come too, and she said yes. He is from overseas and his family are not here, and he told me that he did not have any definite plans for xmas day, and of course i would rather he spend it with me than be alone. He has not met my family yet, as he & i only discussed last week that we are now officially 'together', and due to past hurts from other boyfs I did not want to introduce him to my family until I had confirmed that we were exclusive. He knew this, and was cool with it.

 

I got a text message from my sister today, saying that she had been 'thinking' overnight about him coming, and that her husband and his brother want to be able to freely smoke weed (with children there, yes I know!) and to not have to watch their language. She then said that the husbands family would come over at some point in the day "and you know how crazy it gets when they are here!".

 

I feel that im being told that I now have to un-invite my boyfriend to christmas day and I am really really upset. My boyfriend is kind and polite and open minded, so its not that he will be at all judgemental about what they are doing. I know that perhaps the timing is a bit off, and maybe xmas day is not the best time to introduce him, but what am I meant to do? Let him spend xmas day potentially alone? If I was alone in his country I would want him to take care of me on xmas day.

 

I feel like im gonna fall out with my sister about this. My boyfriend may possibly be going to a friend on xmas day anyway, but if he takes up my invitation I am going to be SO ashamed to have to tell him that my sister has basically withdrawn the invitation. I dont know how to handle this and would love some advice, I feel so anxious and upset.

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Talk to your sister. Tell her that based on her initial agreement you already invited him & it would be rude to un-invite him.

 

Talk to your BF again about his plans but give him all sorts of "outs" like saying you know it might be weird for him to meet your whole family on such a pressure filled day so you will completely understand if he doesn't want to come. Also feel him out about his views on weed. Me, personally, if I was told in advance that other people would be indulging I'd never go.

 

If you sister won't budge, make a new plan. Go to her in the a.m. then leave to go be with BF.

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I feel that i'm being told that I now have to un-invite my boyfriend to christmas day and I am really really upset.

I think...first thing is to find out if your perception/interpretation is actually accurate.

 

Your sister's words could be masking some embarrassment-type feelings/fears of her own; around not wanting your b/f (an "outsider" to the family, if you will) to get all kinds of negative impressions...that your sister (accurately or not) might think will somehow reflect on you. That is, she might be coming from a place of trying to "protect" you, and/or herself, and/or the her in-laws from outside scrutiny -- because SHE is embarrassed, not because your b/f is judgmental or the family/in-laws are so flawed.

 

At least, if she was thinking about "un-inviting" him, then you can have a convo with her, along these lines...if nothing else but to rule out possibilities that are inaccurate.

Then also ask her to put herself in your shoes, and then in your b/f's.

 

Let her know that you have no desire to choose one over the other; and that, even if this was a girlfriend of yours in the same situation -- new country, no family -- then you would still feel the same level of compassion, and not want the person to be alone and feel alone at the Holidays.

 

We'll keep positive thoughts that your sister's 'Spirit of the Season' will trump any other (valid or invalid) concerns/fears she may be harbouring, yes?

 

Wishing you and yours all that is wonderful at this time of year.

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Either bring him or don't go. And say why.

 

I agree with the comments about just spending Xmas with your bf and not going to your sister's. It's rude of her to ask that of you, and they're all being really selfish. I would just text her back and say something like, "Ok, since I could never be so rude as to uninvite him, I'll just spend the day with him."

 

Maybe she'll get the message. Probably not, though.

Edited by bathtub-row
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todreaminblue

if it were me and i could imagine myself in this position.....

 

 

i would choose to go have xmas with the bf......in reality....my friends and family would not ask this of me.....they would for that christmas day ....make my bf feel welcome....that includes not doing things that would make him uncomfortable.....i would however have previously told my bf ok some of my family smoke weed and my friends do too...they also drink.........i dont however so i wont be joining in either if they do.........how do you feel about coming.....for me christmas is a day that sort of stuff should be forgotten about.....celebrate with family....not with weed......but thats a personal belief of mine....

 

you arent going to escape telling him that your family or friends do this.....it will come up again regardless at another time so be honest with him.....dont rescind the invite........join him for xmas as planned ...with your sister or without....have a wonderful time.......best wishes.....deb

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I agree with the comments about just spending Xmas with your bf and not going to your sister's. It's rude of her to ask that of you, and they're all being really selfish. I would just text her back and say something like, "Ok, since I could never be so rude as to uninvite him, I'll just spend the day with him."

 

Maybe she'll get the message. Probably not, though.

no no no

 

i'm with your sister on this

they have never met

and you've been together 3 months??

xmas is not a good time to introduce a new flame

explain to your new bf that he cant go

bs if you have too

and see what his reaction is?!

familly come 1st ALWAYS

 

or spend it with him and be misserable

aM

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Family values here with your sister being selfish to tell you not to bring your current boyfriend who your serious enough to bring with you. This Christmas would be best spend with each other than your sister and the rest of the family. Best you just visit your family on Christmas Eve drop off gifts only, then say your goodbyes to your sister and the family that you won't be attending Christmas Day with them because how they're perceiving your boyfriend would be around them.

 

Again it's your life, you make your life the way you want to live. Right now there is a new man in your life. I am sure he means a lot more to you right now. Families are suppose to be there and welcome who you want to be with. But your sister is calling the shot there. Is this how you want to spend Christmas Day knowing you couldn't bring your boyfriend with you to share in that special day?

 

Wake-up! This is not right! You know better! Do the right thing this time!

Edited by coolheadal
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Since when has smoking weed been a Christmas tradition? Maybe it would be nice if your sister told her husband and the kids that they have a guest coming they never met and they can get their high after he leaves. It's really not a outrageous request.

 

Whats outrageous is extending a invitation to someone and then pulling the rug out from under them. Not just the guy but her sister too.

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Since when has smoking weed been a Christmas tradition?

 

 

and since when did you become the person to determine what is and what is not allowed?

 

 

Maybe it would be nice if your sister told her husband and the kids that they have a guest coming they never met and they can get their high after he leaves. It's really not a outrageous request.

 

 

yes it is (outrageous). oh wait, so if you enter a persons home and they say "shoes off" you tell them ??? no, adjust to me.

 

 

and while you are at it, tell them what to serve and when....

 

 

or maybe I was taught wrong --- when invited to one's home you follow their customs/rules/desires or say 'sorry, thank you for the invitation but I have other plans'.

 

 

OP --- she did NOT say do not come. Reread the message. She wanted to be certain you understood what he was in for.

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no no no

 

i'm with your sister on this

they have never met

and you've been together 3 months??

xmas is not a good time to introduce a new flame

explain to your new bf that he cant go

bs if you have too

and see what his reaction is?!

familly come 1st ALWAYS

 

or spend it with him and be misserable

aM

 

All of those were valid reasons for the sister to say NO initially but she didn't. The sister told the OP that it was OK to bring the BF. The OP invited the BF, then the sister changed her mind. That is the problem: the fact that the sister changed her mind. An initial no would have been fine.

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It's not like you just met this guy a few days ago. You've been dating for 3 months, so it's understandable you'd want to spend xmas day with him. Tell your sister that you already invited him and that you aren't going to uninvite him at this point if he does decide to come along. If she cannot handle it, you two go and do something fun together. If both of you do end up going, just give your bf a heads up about the pot smoking and whatever else.

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and since when did you become the person to determine what is and what is not allowed?

 

 

 

 

 

yes it is (outrageous). oh wait, so if you enter a persons home and they say "shoes off" you tell them ??? no, adjust to me.

 

 

and while you are at it, tell them what to serve and when....

 

 

or maybe I was taught wrong --- when invited to one's home you follow their customs/rules/desires or say 'sorry, thank you for the invitation but I have other plans'.

 

 

OP --- she did NOT say do not come. Reread the message. She wanted to be certain you understood what he was in for.

 

 

Look. She said that she could invite her boyfriend and then her idiot husband decides that he wants to smoke his weed along with his brother in front of the kids and use bad language and rather then acting like a parent and an adult, he chooses to act like anything but.

 

This is the first time this guys going to meet her family and to put your stash away for a few hours and curb your obnoxious tongue for a couple hours wont hurt anyone. Except of course their children who see and here all of it. And truth be told with kids in the house, maybe this would be a good idea because they ain't sending a real good message.

 

Her sister knew that her husband liked his weed and running his mouth before she said yes to the invite and now she says no. Maybe this woman needs to have a sit down with her husband and let him know that if he want to get a buzz to do it outside the home and not in front of the kids like a responsible person would.

 

Look. I don't have anything against people who want to burn a joint. Just use common sense about it.

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no no no

 

i'm with your sister on this

they have never met

and you've been together 3 months??

xmas is not a good time to introduce a new flame

explain to your new bf that he cant go

bs if you have too

and see what his reaction is?!

familly come 1st ALWAYS

 

or spend it with him and be misserable

aM

 

What on earth are you blabbering about?

 

So if she spends if with him, she'll be miserable? The OP has no fault in this situation. She was doing something nice for her boyfriend and the sister willingly accepted at first. Xmas is a time to be nice to people, it's about giving, and she is giving her boyfriend the gift of being able to spend it with someone, to spend it with the person he is now in a relationship with. There is no guidebook that says that Xmas isn't the time for meeting a new flame. If anything, it's the BEST time because it is when family is most receptive to inviting someone new into their home.

 

Family comes first? Then why is the sister putting the OP in this situation?

 

So are you also with the sister that the family should be able to smoke weed freely in front of the kids?

 

Come on now. Be realistic.

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