Stuck in Limbo

[Mayfare]

Currently struggling with making the decision between putting in more effort or severing ties with my "family". I'll try to keep this concise.

 

When in high school, my single father passed away. I subsequently moved in with my best friend's family, who had planned to take me in after noticing that my father was becoming more seriously ill. When I first moved in, everything was great, but my relationship with my best friend quickly deteriorated.

 

My father passed away only a few months before I left for college, so I really only spent a few months there before leaving. Then, I spent one more summer there plus holidays during the four years I was in school. The issue was that I was grieving over losing my father, my home, my financial support (long story short, I was left with literally nothing). I really didn't ask much about my best friend's sorority life or how she was adjusting to college. We talked when we were both stressed, but I didn't really have the energy to hear about her dating or new friends or anything. Basically, I was treading water and trying to get through my first year of college while coping with a hugely traumatic event.

 

After our first year of school, my friend became incredibly cold towards me. We were sharing a room for a summer and it was unbearable. She got angry with me over everything: spending too much time with her mom, taking too long in the shower, having friends over, etc. When her parents intervened, she insisted that she wanted me there and she was nothing but nice.

 

Over the course of the four years we spent in college, I developed strong animosity towards her. There is so much tension between us when I come home and the rest of the family knows it. The parents insist they still consider me family, but we're only in touch when I contact them or I visit them. Everyone in this family (including me) is so tired of the situation.

 

So, I'm at a loss for what to do. I've tried talking to my former best friend and she refuses to apologize for anything. If I try to explain the things she's said or done that have hurt me, she gets defensive and throws in my face that she shared her home with me. I've pretty much given up on ever being friends with her again, but I'm not sure how to handle my relationship with the rest of the family. On the one hand, I still yearn for a family to be there when I have major life events, such as graduating medical school, getting married, etc. On the other, I feel like they enable her horrible behavior and I feel unsupported and left out. I have no idea what to do anymore

[UnderAttack2014]

Jealousy and insecurity is a powerful thing, it sounds as though your both vying for her parents affection on an almost point scoring level and she resents you somewhat for taking some of her parents affection away from her their daughter.

 

It's a tricky thing to deal with, I am afraid I have no answers for you other than to have a heart to heart with your old friend, which you have tried I know.

 

On a happier note one day you will have hopefully a family of your own to shower your love onto so you won't feel so displaced. My heart goes out to you, losing someone young is unimaginable, I do not have much contact with my family, my friends became my family, I've adopted myself a mother, a sister and several uncles to fill the void, they guide me in my time of need and I love them as much as family.

 

Be proud of yourself and your achievements, be thankful that a loving family took you in (they are good people even your friend) and jealousy is common between brothers and sisters as well you know don't cut ties it would hurt the parents, stay in touch even if it gets to the stage of just a quick email every so often if it gets particularly bad.

 

Keep your chin up!

[littleplanet]

You're right. It is sort of like limbo.

 

Many people go through this in biologically intact families too (with siblings, for instance.)

Perhaps what makes this tougher for you - is that it feels like the only family you've got. (which is what keeps the aforementioned in the loop)

 

But still - you're well on your way to establishing an independent life. That is something to look forward to.

Sometimes, life throws us these curves..................where we have to look forward, not back.

As we evolve, we find ourselves not wanting to "go through the motions" just for their own sake. We want them to mean something positive, not negative.

 

"I do not have much contact with my family, my friends became my family, I've adopted myself a mother, a sister and several uncles to fill the void, they guide me in my time of need and I love them as much as family."

 

I especially like and agree with this part of what Underattack2014 said.

 

If you feel that you need to move on.......you don't necessarily have to move on without any support. This can come in other forms.

 

Remember also - the timing in your life when you moved in with your best friend's family.......you were already on the cusp of a certain kind of independence (college)

and you never had the opportunity to bond with that family younger...as a child.

 

They did what they did out of the goodness of their hearts.

Sometimes things evolve, change......(as your friendship did.)

 

Sometimes we need to let things go - or at least put them on the shelf for awhile.

But in the meantime......you have a lot to look forward to.

 

My sincere condolences on the loss of your father. That is awful young to lose him.

[Rar0]

Not an amusing place to be

[jbelle6]

This is a tough one for sure. And as said above, it happens with biological siblings as well.

 

Maybe a different approach with your friend might help?

Instead of going to her and telling her things she did wrong, just apologize for your part in the fracturing of your friendship.

 

I recommend the Magic of Making Up book, you can find it online for free. It was written for breakups but I found the part on saying sorry helpful for all relationships, I think sometimes our approach makes people get their back up and then they no longer listen to what we are saying.