Fathers and daughters

[venusishername]

I am a 30 year old woman. My stepfather has been married to my mother since I was 8 years old and the man has been a major part of my life, and a great father figure. My mother is a kind, moral, stable person with whom I have a very close relationship.

 

 

She expressed to me today that it makes her uncomfortable that my stepfather and I occasionally have dinner together or go out without her, like for a meal. It's not very often, but he is a father figure to me, and I have my own biological father who has not been very present and reliable for me. My stepfather always has been present and reliable treating me like his own daughter, and he's the one I usually call in a major bind, or he's the one who helps me with my car, or things like that. Just fatherly things. He'll fix my burnt out tail light, or help me with household things, he paid for some of my college tuition, etc. He and I work in the same general area, so sometimes he'll be in my neighborhood and she's at home 45 minutes away, so he and I will once every couple of months or so get together after work to say hello or to take a walk or get a drink together when she was unable to make it down. The three of us spend time together often as well.

 

 

It really surprised me that she said that. I asked her if it was because I was a woman and not a girl anymore, and she admitted yes. She said she didn't like it mainly because she couldn't be there too sometimes, but that it was also the fact that it seemed like a 'date'. I was mostly shocked that she said that, and embarrassed because of course it's completely innocent. He has no children of his own, so he has taken me under his care like his own daughter since I was very young. He does the same for my cousins, whose mother (my aunt) died and their father is not present. He treats them like his own daughters too.

 

 

I asked my mom 'didn't you ever want to or didn't you ever spend time with grandpa by yourself sometimes (as an adult)?' and she said yes of course... So I explained to her that my stepfather was more of a present father figure than my own father is.. and I don't have a boyfriend or husband so I have more of an opportunity to spend time with him and often times am in more of a need for a father figure for guidance and emotional support. Is there something wrong with this picture that I'm not grasping? It really bothered me that she is bothered by it and doesn't see it as exactly what it is, completely innocent.

 

 

It reminded me of a painful feeling of my own dad backing away from spending time with me when I was a teenager. All my life up until that point he doted on me as his little girl and we spent a lot of time together. When I started becoming a woman (around 14 or so), he backed away from me and that has really hurt me in a major way all my adult life. Unfortunately that was the time I needed him the most, but he became awkward about spending time with me doing things that we always used to do, like go out to restaurants or things like that. I guess he feared that people might think that he was with a younger woman and that I wasn't his daughter. Maybe it made him uncomfortable that other men were noticing me. I don't know what he was thinking, but I noticed a big change in him. I still wanted him to be my dad and treat me like his girl, because I still was, and still would like to be even though I'm grown up.

 

 

This is a very peculiar family dynamic issue for me. Any insights into this? I'm confused as to how either one of these situations could be twisted into anything that wasn't totally innocent.

[TAV]

I completely disagree with Coconutzy. I think your mom is in the wrong here. Your stepdad has been the only real father you have known and your mom should be grateful that you two have such a special bond. I think it is quite petty of her to be jealous of your time with him and see you as competition. Frankly it says more about her than it does about you. I was raised by my biological mom and dad, I was the only daughter they had and my mom has been jealous of me since the day I had been born (she showed no such behavior with my brothers). She has a history of sexual abuse in her own childhood and I think this is the cause of her jealousy. My dad is a good man with high morals, still he was not allowed to have me on his lap or cuddle me when I was a little girl (family members have told me this). Her jealousy has hurt me on many occasions; my dad and I have similar characters and we get along great but even when she is out of hearing distance and sees us laugh together she gets furious. I never understood her behaviour before I had children of my own and since I have them I cannot phantom why she would be jealous of her own child; my children’s' father has a lot of faults but I love how besotted he is with his children and I would never be jealous of that because I love them and I want them to have the best in life.

My advice is to not let your mother ruin something that is a very important relationship in your life. Regarding your biological father, I'm sorry you got treated this way. Are you sure your mother was not behind that sudden change too? Maybe she accused him of things that made him feel very uncomfortable despite it not being true?

[Happy01]

There may be abuse issues from your mom's childhood contributing to this or trust issues you're not aware of. Could you ask her? I'm wondering too whether your biological dad pulled away when you became a teenager because your mother asked him to. There may be a lot more to this than she's saying .... she may be protecting you from something she fears or has experienced. I don't agree with what she's doing if taken at face value, however, if there's an underlying reason, she may have all the best intentions and is protecting her child. I'd suggest more conversation so resentments don't build.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Sit her down -- possibly with your step-father present (only you know which will be the better approach) -- & say he's a father to me & that is all these dinners are. You wouldn't have a problem with me having dinner with my biological father but [stepfather] is so much more of a parent to me. Please try to understand our dinners are not designed to undermine you but to strengthen us. It's about the bonds of family not the biology.

[TAV]

yeah thats why i said it can be because of life experiences her mother had.

i dont think your mom was jelouse. i think if she has been true child sexual abuse it may have make her more aware of mens interaction with her kids.

i think shore not because she wanted it to be like that , but maybe to try to protect you so you wont go true that. maybe because her abuse was also true sitting on the lab of that child molester.

 

i think you cant judge your mom or be mad at her once you know her story especially.

because every healthy parent do what they think is the best for their kids.

beside there are also abuse victims that gos from men to men and put their child in danger and positions that can let them end up being abuse.

 

i think you can only love and thanks your mom for the great job she did with what she had. and if it effected you let her know. not to judge her but to find closer and to move on. and forgive.

at the end there is no perfect parent!

 

Thanks for that 'insight'. You have no idea what my mom is like; I only tried to illustrate to the OP why I think her mom's behaviour says more about her mom than the OP, you don't know my whole story. Yes, she kept me from being abused myself, but so do I with my own children. Any normal parent would. She also kept me from having a normal relationship with my father, who is a very decent man and if she would have worked on her own issues she would have realised that. My mom thinks all men are only after one thing, no matter how upstanding they are, no matter what family bonds they have to the woman in question. That is warped in my opinion. You seem to share her beliefs.

Anyway, this thread is about the OP not me, if I was looking for advice on how to feel about my mom I would have started a thread about that myself.

[venusishername]

Thanks for the input. I don't know of any abuse in my mother's past. My grandfather was the best man in the entire world and was very close to his children and grandchildren.

Step-parents are a 'new' thing of my generation in my family. I don't see that my mom is trying to protect me from abuse; I truly think that it is jealousy, which is, well.. petty. My mom and bio dad were not together when he pulled back; I think that it was either his own decision or my step-mother (who I would expect to be jealous because that is common). I think it's jealousy more than anything. How awful. She wouldn't feel that way if I was doing things with my bio dad. Maybe because he's not her husband anymore. I don't know. It makes me wonder... I'm such a different woman than she is; is she simply envious of me? We are nothing alike, and I have this 'exciting' life to her and she thinks I'm this glamorous beauty.. maybe she feels in my shadow.?

 

 

Like I said, I am very close to my mom, I respect her and she is a good person. So I don't think there are hard feelings; but I am thinking that I'm not going to depend on my stepfather as much as I have in the past because she feels this way.

I'm going to bring it up with my therapist this week.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is emotionally abusive. If your mom was trying to protect you from sexual abuse, she would have done it when you were a child, not a grown woman. This is an insecurity issue on your moms part. It would not surprise me if she needs or be the focus of attention and that is why your Bio dad pulled away when you became a young woman. She noticed you were budding and became competitive, thereby planting some idea in your fathers mind about becoming too familiar with you as a young woman. Is your mother a narcissist? Are you the only daughter?

Inquisitively,

Grumps

[Silly_Girl]

That man is your dad, as far as I'm concerned. You have a father too, I know, but that's secondary.

 

The only thing I will say is... it's odd in my family for anyone to see my dad alone. It's just how it works, they come as a package, if your mum has no precedent for that it may just be strange for her; strange 'new' not strange 'suspicious'.

[venusishername]

This is an insecurity issue on your moms part. It would not surprise me if she needs or be the focus of attention and that is why your Bio dad pulled away when you became a young woman. She noticed you were budding and became competitive, thereby planting some idea in your fathers mind about becoming too familiar with you as a young woman. Is your mother a narcissist? Are you the only daughter?

 

 

I don't see how she could have any input on my father if they were no longer a couple; so I don't see how she had anything to do with him stepping back. I think that was his own doing. I don't think she is a narcissist, but I am her only daughter.

[Grumpybutfun]

I don't see how she could have any input on my father if they were no longer a couple; so I don't see how she had anything to do with him stepping back. I think that was his own doing. I don't think she is a narcissist, but I am her only daughter.

 

If she even mentioned anything, however minuscule like what she is mentioning with you and your step father, about your bio dad acting inappropriately towards you, he would have rather cut contact with you then deal with her accusations. You may never know, but you do know she is threatened by you now with her current husband now that you are an adult so ask her exactly why. You are his daughter, as an adopted dad I am completely upset for your father that he has to be questioned about being with his daughter as though he is some sort of pedophile or you are trying to steal him from your mom. Your mom is making some unhealthy assumptions and requests.

Grumps