Trying to feel normal when you hate your family

[Julia1]

I came to this site because I googled 'I hate my family' and found someone writing about the same thing. They had continued the title, "... I hate my family. Is this normal at 30?" It is from 2007 and has been closed, but I feel the same exact way. (Hope they see this one.)The author seemed to have family members that were completely jealous of them. I don't believe I have that same situation. I am 32 and I am wondering why and how I am so old to have complaints like a 15 year old, but I just can't shake the emotion. I could go on for days writing about how terrible my family is, but I'll try to keep it short. My father died when I was four and my mother had been basically a kept woman, though she has her masters degree in the sciences.

 

My brother is 14 years older than me. He has never been protective or loving. Mostly just bored and aggravated by my presence. Now that we are older it is more violent: often verbally and sometimes even physically, in a restrained way. (He looks like he is restraining himself from trying to strangle me when he is angry. He has joked around, putting me in a headlock and just kept squeezing harder and harder, but pretending to be joking around. Jabs in the back with his knuckles, giving a 'hug' that seems more like a restrained hit.) My mother ignores this completely. He drinks, daily I believe, and can hide it quite well. You wouldn't notice a thing except he can go into a rage at the drop of a hat.

 

His wife and our mother will completely ignore it, keeping quiet and staying out of his way. Once he started screaming and chasing after me and my mother kept her head turned, doing the dishes. Afterward she said the entire situation never happened; then, that it did happen and I was 'being bad' and he had to reprimand me; then again that it did not happen; then the topic was struck down with her saying that I am cruel and bothering her with things I've made up in my head. My mother is kind of strange as well. Once on an 8 hour car trip, she would not stop to let me use the bathroom for several hours. I don't know why. We once had a house guest that was on medication after a hospital stay.

 

He was acting a bit out of it and got too friendly with me, I was in my early 20's. I hid away in my room and when she insisted I come to dinner, I finally told her he was making me uncomfortable and I thought he was creepy. She told me, (and for the rest of my life, I will never forget this) "I just don't believe you." Who says that? Why not, "hey, lets talk about this, he's on medication and not himself." If I had commonly been accusing people of things like this - ok. But, that wasn't the case. These days, when that story is brought up, that topic is another one that is, "all in my head." It never happened. Being around my family is a horror movie to me.

 

I have seen enough to not want any relationship with my family. I have spent Christmas and Thanksgivings by myself since I was 26. They have not even questioned where I am or why. It is so, so weird. It is painful and very angering because no matter how awful they are, they are still family and a person will always feel that bond - or maybe the need for that bond. I am working towards filling my life with other people and other relatives, creating a new family. The problem is, I feel like it poisons my life. You always feel like a freak when you tell people you don't spend Christmas with your family. I am jealous and downright angry with people that have healthy, loving families. That anger is always just boiling there, deep down inside me. You can keep yourself busy, spend lots of time with church activities, spend free time with friends and tiring yourself out at the gym - but when there is quiet time or a moment where I am really honest with myself - the truth is, I am filled with anger.

 

I am a Christian and I pray about this often, but I am stuck with this anger. I can pray and see it as a learning experience, something making me stronger, something shaping me for future works that God wants to bring into my life - but that anger always rears it's ugly head, eventually. I feel like I can't move on with my life, I can't enjoy it or feel like I can be much of a partner or friend to anyone with these ugly feelings. It is also hard to find people who feel the same way / are in the same boat and dealing with it in healthy ways. If you knew my family socially, you would never guess all this was going on. My mother is highly respected in the church and community, seen as a saint with our extended family. My brother and his family are seen as fun and highly successful. I grew up friends with sweet girls that got good grades, but I always had more in common with the druggie, runaway types. I was just always too afraid to act like them and give up the facade of a well-behaved girl with a good family life. Once I was in college I fell into this crowd: a good make-shift family. The immediate, soothing gratification of drugs, sex, stealing, running away.

 

These days I am always sweet, polite, hard working - but what I feel like is screaming, smashing things, drinking until I can't stand up, smoking incessantly, cutting myself. In actuality - I've never cut myself. I eat well, go to the gym, go to yoga classes, don't smoke and spend lots of time with church and try to keep myself from being a workaholic. Trying to be normal. Anyone been through this type of situation when they were younger and have some advice/ words? How do you move on in a healthy way? Do you keep it secret from those around you? I feel like I would scare anyone I told, other than a therapist. I've had an employer find out that I don't go home for Christmas and made fun of me in front of my coworkers, calling me 'weird.'

 

I've had a boyfriend tell me I was strange for not making phone calls home to my family on Christmas eve, even though he knew the whole situation. My friends look shocked when they find out I don't go home for Christmas. Another friend that is close to my family laughs nervously when I start to explain to her why I choose to stay away from them as much as possible. I feel like I have this big ugly secret and I live some weird sub-life, parallel to regular humans.

 

Anyone else find good ways of dealing with this? I've tried the drugs/ sex/ alcohol thing - then I got older and it was workaholism and tiring yourself out at the gym - now I've added church and bible study and prayer. Still trying to find some peace.

Edited February 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[TaraMaiden]

First of all your post is almost impossible to read - I have asked Mods to break it up into paragraphs, because I read one line at least 3 times) but I get the gist, after reading two or 3 times....

 

You're gap-filling.

You're trying to find lots of things to 'make up' for your feelings and for the void in your life.

 

Quit trying so hard.

Come to terms with the fact you don't like them, distance yourself completely and if people ask you, just tell them: "I don't get on with my family and want nothing to do with them."

 

I'll come back to this when the post is clearer....

[TaraMaiden]

OK: Well thanks to Moderators for helping with the post.

 

You're 32: Your brother is 46.

Middle-aged.

And he's acting like a 16-year-old stupid juvenile jerk.

 

You need to get a grip and take complete control of your life.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I have constantly said this about the MO of Christianity:

 

People take their problems and put them all "out there". They 'Give it all up to God' and leave the unfolding of things "in his hands".

 

Well, I don't need to make further comment.

You can see just how well THAT strategy turned out, can't you....?

You're still angry, frustrated and resentful.

 

Your religious passion and increased fervour and involvement is mere proof and evidence that whatever you are doing - simply isn't working.

Is it?

 

You need to put your 'Big Girl' pants on, and move right away from this - right away.

 

Get out, form a new life for yourself, and become completely independent.

Find an apartment, a shared house - anything.

Distance yourself and be pro-active.

 

"By all means call on God - but at least row AWAY from the rocks...."

[TaraMaiden]

I dont think you really know Christians or the christian life or have walk the walk to talk the talk, to say Christians are like that.

You are incorrect. I was a practising RCatholic, and very much involved with the church for nigh-on 40 years, so actually, I spek from profound personal experience.

 

The real christian life is all about reconcile.

No it's not. it's about obedience and sacrifice.

 

Beside Christians are humans too(in the world but not of the world).So they do face moments like this too.

Humans are ENTIRELY of this world. They don't go anywhere else while they're alive, and there's no proof they go anywhere else after they die, either.

(Please don't use 'text-speak', it's really not necessary on a foum. if thos were a 'phone, I'd understand.....)

 

 

they are humans. The difference is they have God that lead them to a better life and solution.

yes, he's obviously done an admirable job for the OP, hasn't he?

 

Its not the life with God (christian life)that made people make certain choices likeyou said.

Its moments and choices that people deal and choose ,as humans.

ANd God knows their pain and thats why He send Jesus and the Holy Spirit to comfort them.

 

Can't see it working much here.

The OP has intensified her involvement with her faith, all to not much of a positive result.

She's just more and more angry...

 

Something ain't working....

[writergal]

OP, the poster TaraMaiden's correct: instead of directly dealing with your family issues you're just filling your life up with distractions. First you tried the sex/drugs/alcohol, then you became a workaholic, then you joined a gym and now you're immersed in Bible study and God. All of these are just "gap fillers," designed to distract yourself from confronting your family issues.

 

Time to put down all the distractions and confront your family issues head on. As I see it, you can do one of two things: you can go to individual counseling, or you can contact your family after you find a licensed therapist who specializes in family counseling, and invite them to join you for a few sessions.

 

If your family isn't interested in joining you for family therapy, then you're left with the individual counseling which I think could help you.

 

Plenty of people are estranged or alienated from their Family of Origin and they cope with it in different ways, some healthy, some really dysfunctional.

Edited February 25, 2014 by writergal

[amaysngrace]

Do you go to therapy? If you were four when your Dad died it may have stunted your emotional growth and you're stuck there in a way.

 

A death in the immediate family at that age changes the home pretty drastically. You lost your dad and that changed your mom so it's a little bit like you lost them both.

 

And I don't think you're any weirder than anyone else on this planet. We're all weird....

[Radu]

Sounds like you are also searching for someone who you an also talk to about this stuff.

 

Tbh, your family sounds abusive.

You also sought to have your mother admit to her neglect of your well-being ['i don't believe you' part seems to have stuck with you].

I get it a little bit, and understand the kind of damage this can do [i dealt with parents not believing me on big issues twice before i was 10, but after that it stopped and they understood].

 

Your brother is ... weird [to not use other words, he acts like a teenager].

 

Move away, start new, stop having contact with them, and talk to ppl who have been in abusive families.

 

Finally, to what TM said, remember it's 'i help those who help themselves'.

[TaraMaiden]

@Tara

 

well the topic is not about bashing God.

Actually, to a degree it is - because the OP herself has said that in spite of all her efforts, nothing has worked.

This is just further abandonment, which sadly, is not uncommon.

 

Even Jesus asked God "Why have you foresaken me?" And "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." Fat lot of good that did. They still nailed him.

 

 

so let us keep the respect. also towards OP.

I have great respect for the OP. I just think she needs a bit of cajoling....

 

beside she did not say her faith did not help her.

 

Er....yes she did....

 

I am a Christian and I pray about this often, but I am stuck with this anger. I can pray and see it as a learning experience, something making me stronger, something shaping me for future works that God wants to bring into my life - but that anger always rears it's ugly head, eventually.

and we all know that based on her post that she was ignoring a conversation with her family by doing all the other stuff.

No she wasn't. She tried to tell her mother that she was unhappy and felt abused and her mother ignored her....

 

 

im shore you often run from issues and dont want to face them at that moment or not aware of he solution that you need at that moment.

Nope, not at all.

Not in the slightest.

 

I have to add that you really don't know me very well, so don't you be 'sure' of anything.

 

i think you let your unbelieve get the best of you. and say alot that dont make sense.

Actually, I make perfect sense.

Would you care to tell me where you are confused....?

 

Just because I don't believe in God, that doesn't mean I don't have a religious calling.

I do.

It just has nothing to do with imaginary figures who promise a lot and deliver little.

as has been so evident.

 

 

This thread is about The OP, her family situation and her 'religious' experience.

I await her responses.

[William]

Since the thread starter logged out one minute after posting this and hasn't returned, we'll close the thread and request they alert us if/when they have further input or desire more responses. No editing as of yet.