Fiance's Father is driving me bananas. Should I fight her battles?

[FrostFire]

Alrighty, so my fiance (28 years old) just got her first car yesterday (2013 Honda Fit). She drove it back to her house (she still lives with her family due to saving up $$ for our own apt) and was somewhat scared on telling her father the news of her new car. So she finally musters up the courage to go and tell her dad that she wanted to show him something.

 

Of course, she was very excited that she got a new car but her dad immediately went off on a tangent about how he was surprised she drove it by herself, how many other drivers did she scare, etc.. Just the typical controlling bull**** to make anyone feel terrible. In addition, he started going off on more excessive junk of how much was the car and payments, which insurance she got (she could of got the same insurance provider he was with instead of the one she chose). Then comes the car alarm and I swear to god we heard a 10 minute lecture of how he used to be in the car business and knows all about this stuff and how we got duped into getting the car alarm so the dealership could make extra $$. Finally, came the parking arrangement at the house where she shouldn't park it on the street because the tree would damage it :\. (the way the driveway is setup technically only 2 cars can fit in there and another car could be parked behind pinning in the 2 cars in front of it). I, later, warned her to not pin herself in the driveway in case she wants to leave whenever she wants.

 

Anyways, I'm thinking man I just want to put her father in his place but at the same time my fiance isn't really saying anything or doing anything to make him shut up and respect her. At the same time her father is clearly disrespecting her with his wanting to be in control and tell her how to do everything and how he knows so much more than everybody else.

________________________________________________________________

My Fiance doesn't stand up for herself when she should be and it's driving me crazy at times to the point I'm so close to standing up for her but I feel it's not my place because it's her dad for crying out loud. She should fight her own battles and be an adult. Her father has her so scared of standing up for herself and his controlling nature is the most extremely toxic I have ever seen. She actually told me he wants her to blow-up at him because that's how he feels better about himself. :\ I'm so confused and don't know if it's my place to call out her dad when he's disrespecting or belittling my fiance. I so badly want to take the reigns and fight her battles but I don't feel that's going to really help out my fiance or myself.

[FrostFire]

I'm not sure if I should post a back history to her driving. If it helps though then here it is. My fiance was not allowed to get a driver's license by her father because they would not pay for her driving classes. So she got herself a job finally and paid for her own driver's ed classes and finally got her license at the age of 25. However, insurance rates for a new driver were crazy so she had to wait a few years before she would qualify for better rates (which recently just happened). During this period of waiting her father put her on his insurance plan and she drove one of her dad's cars.

 

It was an absolute nightmare for her. He made her feel like a terrible driver (keep in mind she already had her driver's license by now). He berated and belittled her driving to the point that she was actually more of a hazard on the road then when she first got her license. She eventually couldn't handle driving his car anymore because HE would always have to go with her and tell her how to stop, turn, park, and if not done correctly he would make her go back and do it all over again - I say again she already had her driver's license.

 

Anyways, so she stopped driving and chose public transportation to wait out the time her insurance rates would drop. Now that she has a car he's trying to do the same thing all over again. He wants to go with her and make sure she doesn't get lost, show her where to get the car washed, where stuff is etc... Are you kidding me??? Makes me so frustrated and I don't know what I should be doing or she needs to do.

 

I told her to just get in the car and go. She fires back with that there's going to be a big argument and fight if she does that. I again told her she needs to learn to please herself for a change and do something for herself instead of what others want to do. Only time will tell what happens but I am not sure if I should be saying or doing anything else here?

[Radu]

She needs to move out pronto and gth away from him.

 

If you two are engaged, can't she stay with you ?

[FrostFire]

We both live with our parents as finances aren't the best right now for us in SoCal. She's trying to find another job right now as she's only working 20 hours/week and I work a full-time job but I have to work about 60+ hours just to stay afloat. Believe me we're trying to get out on our own but she needed a more means of reliable transportation so she can now go out and get the job she wants versus the grocery stores by the house.

 

She has a master's in geology and bachelor's in biology and she wants to be a community college professor. So it's just a matter of her finding and landing those positions now.

 

Albeit I pay $200/mo in rent and $300/mo in groceries because that's the price I pay for living at home. Reduced rent but I fund all the groceries. There is no place in Orange or LA County that will allows couples to stay for $500/mo unfortunately

 

Granted I make about $3000/mo but that fluctuates at times (sometimes only $2000) depending on the amount of available work. It's not like I haven't tried switching jobs though either submitted over 50 applications with an AA degree and not one ounce of interest. Resume was looked at by a professional but still no leads. Just the thanks but no thanks letters. I want out of the driving industry but it seems like my part-time experience in data entry is not good enough to land a position that pays over 10$/hr and I make more than that right now. All these other jobs wants experience but how do I get the experience if I suffer a pay loss that I can't take right now? Yeah so there's that issue. SO until then we both live with our parents :\

 

Apartments out here run about $1300/mo leaving us very little to live on and living on a shoe string for sure. We don't want to fail and have to move back to our parents. That's the goal but we suffer now I guess

Edited January 22, 2014 by FrostFire

[preraph]

Sorry, but as long as she's living with him or he's supporting her, he has not only the right but the duty to try to keep her from doing dumb things. Buying a brand-new car before you can even afford your own apartment is a dumb thing. He's right about the insurance and the car alarm. If she piggybacked his policy, it would have been cheaper. Any add-ons you get at a car dealership are ripoffs, pretty much. I know. I sold cars at a dealership. Buying a new car is a waste of money unless you have so much money it just doesn't matter. Once you drive it off the lot, it's worth about a third less than you paid for it. If she didn't put much or any money down, then she will be upside-down on the car for years and unable to sell it if she needed to. Her dad isn't wrong. It's not your place. You can support her, but it's up to her to deal with her parents.

[CC12]

Just to get this out of the way: Does your girlfriend have any health issues that would explain her parents being so involved? I ask because I've sometimes seen people complaining about their girlfriend's controlling parents and then it turns out that the girlfriend really does need help living her life for whatever reasons. If that factors in at all here, OP, please tell us.

 

My Fiance doesn't stand up for herself when she should be and it's driving me crazy at times to the point I'm so close to standing up for her but I feel it's not my place because it's her dad for crying out loud.

It's not your place at all, really, and not just because it's her dad. It's because she should handle her problems on her own, in the way she sees fit. You can show her support and offer advice if she asks, but if she's fine with not standing up to him, follow her lead on this. Don't go all "But you shouldn't take that crap from him!!" Don't create additional conflict or drama.

 

Only time will tell what happens but I am not sure if I should be saying or doing anything else here?

Yes. You two could get your own place together so she doesn't have to live with an ******* anymore, but that doesn't seem to be a huge priority for either of you, so just wait it out, I guess.

[Radu]

We both live with our parents as finances aren't the best right now for us in SoCal. She's trying to find another job right now as she's only working 20 hours/week and I work a full-time job but I have to work about 60+ hours just to stay afloat. Believe me we're trying to get out on our own but she needed a more means of reliable transportation so she can now go out and get the job she wants versus the grocery stores by the house.

 

She has a master's in geology and bachelor's in biology and she wants to be a community college professor. So it's just a matter of her finding and landing those positions now.

 

Albeit I pay $200/mo in rent and $300/mo in groceries because that's the price I pay for living at home. Reduced rent but I fund all the groceries. There is no place in Orange or LA County that will allows couples to stay for $500/mo unfortunately

 

Granted I make about $3000/mo but that fluctuates at times (sometimes only $2000) depending on the amount of available work. It's not like I haven't tried switching jobs though either submitted over 50 applications with an AA degree and not one ounce of interest. Resume was looked at by a professional but still no leads. Just the thanks but no thanks letters. I want out of the driving industry but it seems like my part-time experience in data entry is not good enough to land a position that pays over 10$/hr and I make more than that right now. All these other jobs wants experience but how do I get the experience if I suffer a pay loss that I can't take right now? Yeah so there's that issue. SO until then we both live with our parents :\

 

Apartments out here run about $1300/mo leaving us very little to live on and living on a shoe string for sure. We don't want to fail and have to move back to our parents. That's the goal but we suffer now I guess

 

Then the only other option is for her to move in with you.

 

Also, fyi, this unhealthy relationship she has with her father will come back to haunt you in your married life if it is not addressed.

It's a bad idea for a couple to start their lives together when one of the couple has a parent with this much influence [that's why my cousin got divorced, because his MIL thought her little girl could do better], you are actually marrying her father.

 

All of his games are control games [as you pointed out], what will happen when she moves from under his roof and under 'his protection' to be with you ?

My guess is that if she doesn't stand up to him [and the first step is to move away and then do some IC], your marriage will not last unless you 100% submit to him, her father and even then it's doubtfull.

[FrostFire]

Just to get this out of the way: Does your girlfriend have any health issues that would explain her parents being so involved? I ask because I've sometimes seen people complaining about their girlfriend's controlling parents and then it turns out that the girlfriend really does need help living her life for whatever reasons. If that factors in at all here, OP, please tell us.

 

She was born prematurely and therefor had a few issues such as asthma, only having 1 kidney and something else which I'd rather not mention but wouldn't have any effect as it's not a health risk. She doesn't take her inhalers as much anymore and she has a master's degree for crying out loud so it's not like she doesn't know anything. She's been on college trips that took her out of country for over 3 weeks at a time several weeks out of a year. She hasn't done that anymore since Jan. 2013 though. She's smart and knows what she needs to do. I guess it just comes down to waiting it out some more. :\

Edited January 26, 2014 by FrostFire

[MuscleCarFan]

We both live with our parents as finances aren't the best right now for us in SoCal. She's trying to find another job right now as she's only working 20 hours/week and I work a full-time job but I have to work about 60+ hours just to stay afloat. Believe me we're trying to get out on our own but she needed a more means of reliable transportation so she can now go out and get the job she wants versus the grocery stores by the house.

 

She has a master's in geology and bachelor's in biology and she wants to be a community college professor. So it's just a matter of her finding and landing those positions now.

 

Albeit I pay $200/mo in rent and $300/mo in groceries because that's the price I pay for living at home. Reduced rent but I fund all the groceries. There is no place in Orange or LA County that will allows couples to stay for $500/mo unfortunately

 

Granted I make about $3000/mo but that fluctuates at times (sometimes only $2000) depending on the amount of available work. It's not like I haven't tried switching jobs though either submitted over 50 applications with an AA degree and not one ounce of interest. Resume was looked at by a professional but still no leads. Just the thanks but no thanks letters. I want out of the driving industry but it seems like my part-time experience in data entry is not good enough to land a position that pays over 10$/hr and I make more than that right now. All these other jobs wants experience but how do I get the experience if I suffer a pay loss that I can't take right now? Yeah so there's that issue. SO until then we both live with our parents :\

 

Apartments out here run about $1300/mo leaving us very little to live on and living on a shoe string for sure. We don't want to fail and have to move back to our parents. That's the goal but we suffer now I guess

 

$1,300 is around what the cheapest can be found in the area where I live. The typical rent is now around $1,800 a month!

 

I would suggest moving to a cheaper area for you two. That is what my wife and I have to do because it is so expensive.

[burningashes]

Have you considered moving out of state? People do it all the time for work. You guys are graduates now, and the world is the pearl in your hands now.

 

As long as you live with your parents, you kind of have to go along with their rules under their roof. How about getting an additional room mate to ease the burden?

 

It's not uncommon to see a married couple renting out a room in their house or getting an additional room mate to fill up their rental suite.

 

It's not really ideal, I know but that's just the reality for a lot of people. No shame in it either.

[starzarebrite37]

First of all, I know how your GF feels. I grew up with controlling parents, and it was pure hell having my parents teach me how to drive. My mother yelled at me every time I made a mistake. Now, I get really nervous when I have to drive with other people in the car because I am afraid of them being critical. I was bullied into thinking I was a terrible driver. I was also bullied by them about everything else (weight, appearances, etc.), and I suffer from self-esteem issues.

 

I am in no way defending her father (he sounds like a jerkface), but as everyone else has said, as long as she is living under his roof, she has to follow his rules. It still is no excuse for her dad to treat her like crap though. Also, I know you feel the need to defend her against her father, and I commend you for wanting to protect her. But, you need to encourage her to fight her own battles and help her stand up to her own father. If she doesn't do it now, she never will and it will take a toll on your marriage/relationship.

 

I suggest you two find a cheaper town/area to live, so that she can get the hell out of there. If you are unable to do that, is she on good terms with your parents? If your parents are okay with it, maybe she can stay with you. The longer she is out of that controlling environment, the better off she will be for sure. I hope I was helpful.