Strained relationship with my Father

[I don't know]

A little background first. My parents divorced when I was10. I am now 44 with a wife, 2 kids, dog, house and a career. Since I was 10 I have had to deal with my parents SO, some good but mostly bad experiences. I was always reluctant to accept the SO’s because they would change so often andI never liked the situation. During my teens and early 20’s my father would always tell me “no matter what don’t get married” This is coming from a man that has a new girlfriend every other year and often has more than 1 girlfriend at a time. I knew because I would meet them all.

 

In my late 20’s I meet my wife, move in and tie the knot. Istruggled for a long time financially and emotionally by being alone. My marriage brought stability to my life and financially things were a bit easier as we both worked together toward goals. Well my father did not take it well, telling me I was ruining my life. I loved my wife so I kind of distanced my-self a bitfrom my father. I did not cut him off, just not call so often, miss some parties and not tell him everything going on in my life. I could see from a distance that my father would have trouble showing face around my wife and mywife had some distain for him because of his womanizing and lying. Words were never said but I could feel it.

 

9 1/2 years ago my children were born. This is where something wonderful goes horribly wrong. My father had the nerve to say to some family members “how dare they make me a grandfather”. He wasn’t happy because he sees himself as a playboy of sorts and this grandfather label was killing him. When my children were 3 months old my father invited us to his birthday party. We declined.So he moved the party to a restaurant in my town to make it easier for us. We accepted but only under the premise it’s a quick, early diner for us as we really did not trust babysitters yet but we had someone cover the 2 hours. During the diner my father’s SO announces that after diner we are going back to my house for coffee and cake and she invited her daughter, boyfriend and others to join us. WHAT! I kindly tell them no, we are new parents and just want to go home. We get back to our house and 3 cars pull up looking for coffee and cake. Its 9pm, we have 3 month old twins and they just barged their way into myhouse. My wife looked to me for help. I pulled my father aside ad said quietly “Dad they have to go, please” He ignored me.

 

I had to do something. So I took the cake, threw it in thegarbage and told everyone to get the **** out. I really used those words. “ Isaid I never invited you people over, I asked nicely, no cake and everyone ignored me so get the **** out.” They left and boy did they leave in a hurry.My father and I did not speak for 6 months after that and I never saw that girlfriend again. 3 years later we have a birthday party a kids gym and my father refused to come because he doesn’t like gyms and is a no show. This is where I take it personal and I don’t call him or talk for a year. He spins it and starts telling my family I’m a terrible son. I took the high road and NEVER badmouth my father to anyone. My father has not called or seen my children in over 5 years. When my kids would ask about grandpa I would say he lives in Florida and travels the world.

 

10 days ago my mom calls and says “your father called andwould like to see you and the children” I was very happy to hear that. I toldmy mom, tell him to call me. A few days later I check my cell and I see he called at 11 at night and did not leave a message. The next day I had to travel for business and returned on a Friday. I was going to call him when my aunt called and said my Father was very mad I did not return his call yet and if I didn’t soon he was going to cut me off forever. That happiness lasted one second. Ignore me for years and expect I drop everything because of a passive aggressive phone call in the middle of the night. I say that because he knows I’m an early bird and never say up past 10. And then he makes threats. I told my aunt “tell himto stay away until he is no longer angry. I do not need this ****.” My auntcalled back and said my father is sorry and he will be back for Easter and wants to see the kids then.

 

So here I am and I don’t know what to do. I think I didn’t call him because I’m not ready to take that first step to reconcile. He made somecalls, I give him that, but I find it hard to deal with someone who has acted the way he has toward me. Family members are urging me to be the better man and take the first step. The thing is I don’t know if I want to. Yet. He has left me alone for a long time and I just got used to him not being there for anything. Sorry for the long post.

Edited January 13, 2014 by I don't know
spelling

[nescafe1982]

I don't have children, so take what I say with a huge grain of salt (I'm also interested in what others will say here), but it seems like part of your role as a dad would be to protect your kids from having a grandfather just flit in and out of their lives according to his own volatile schedule. I don't think you're off-base for being guarded about how involved this man is... he does not sound like grandfather material, nor does he sound like he has any intention of reforming his attitude to have you guys in his life.

 

He called you late at night. Didn't leave a message. Expected a call back, and badmouthed you to another relative when he didn't get one. THIS is the guy who wants to see his grandkids? Doesn't sound like it to me.

 

I like to think people can change... but until he puts in some effort to demonstrate that he's willing to work towards being "grandpa material," I don't think you need to bend over backwards to make that relationship happen.

 

I have a father that's a lot like yours. When I have kids, I'm not certain he will earn the right to be a presence in their lives. You have to think about how this whole thing will impact your children first, in my opinion.

 

The rest of your family is seeking reconciliation between you two because they don't want open-ended feelings of conflict. That's understandable... but if being involved with this person is more harmful than beneficial, you need to consider what is your children's best interest first.

[BlametheIrish]

You are being the better man by keeping someone who is detrimental to your family , away from them.,He is still the same man and has learned nothing, he needs yo.prove himself to.be a respdctabld adult before he becomes part of your life,again.

 

Reading your story it seems you did everything to.protect your wife and kids. Good for you, so many people let their parents walk all over them.

[I don't know]

Thank you for your replies. Just writing the post and reading you responses have made me feel better.

 

Nescafe, you sound like you have a feel for a person like my father. Your comments are very close to my thinking. My main problem is where is the line from protecting my family to preventing them from seeing each other? My kids want to see him and that will eventually make me cave. I’m sure it will be a one or two time thing and we won’t see him again for a year or two. And that is what makes me angry. I think I need to let my children see him, experience him and somehow get to know him and put my personal feeling aside but I don’t likeit. I’ll just watch like a hawk.

[nescafe1982]

Thank you for your replies. Just writing the post and reading you responses have made me feel better.

 

Nescafe, you sound like you have a feel for a person like my father. Your comments are very close to my thinking. My main problem is where is the line from protecting my family to preventing them from seeing each other? My kids want to see him and that will eventually make me cave. I’m sure it will be a one or two time thing and we won’t see him again for a year or two. And that is what makes me angry. I think I need to let my children see him, experience him and somehow get to know him and put my personal feeling aside but I don’t likeit. I’ll just watch like a hawk.

 

I really hope someone with parenting expertise can respond to this question. Honestly, I don't know where the line is... I've never been in a situation like this before. I can see how you're torn between a) wanting to do what's best for your kids, and b) wanting to give them what they want... but all I can wonder is what happens when they meet him, get their hopes on having a "normal" relationship with their grandpa... and then he disappears on them for months or a year? I'm inclined to say that sometimes parents have to risk looking like the "bad guy" in the longer-term interest of their kids.

 

I'm not sure which is the better path. Do you have access to resources on parenting issues: a group, a religious institution, a trusted friend, a professional of some sort? It might be worth consulting expertise from that kind of venue as well.

 

Also, what does your wife think of all of this? Have you and her discussed this issue, and how does she feel about it? How old are the kids? Are they both 9? I ask because someone more educated in parenting that I might have opinions about what age a kid should be before experiencing a potential rejection.

 

Sorry... all I have are more questions. But maybe thinking through them could help..

Edited January 13, 2014 by nescafe1982

[I don't know]

They will be 10 in May. My father is a creep not a monster. I’m sure them seeing him will go fine. I just know it’s his fake BS. He’s a good actor and will dowell in front of the children.

 

I’m not planning on seeking counseling of any kind over this. I just want to vent.

 

My wife wants no part of him (and with good reason) but supports me and my decisions because she understands that’s my dad. She will host happily and quietly hiss when he leaves. I don’t blame her. My father hasn’t acknowledged my children or us in 5 years..

[turnera]

A few days later I check my cell and I see he called at 11 at night and did not leave a message. The next day I had to travel for business and returned on a Friday. I was going to call him when my aunt called and said my Father was very mad I did not return his call yet and if I didn’t soon he was going to cut me off forever.

Your reply: "Ok."

[ja123]

Your kids seeing their grandfather, then realizing he disappears might hurt, but it'll help them wise-up to the world a bit.

 

 

If meeting, I don't think I'd have him to your house. Perhaps some activity (zoo, mini-golf, etc.) would be better, so as to focus on things other than hurt emotions.

 

 

Then if he doesn't show, you still have something fun to do with your family.

 

 

Sorry you have to deal with this type of person for a dad.

[Grumpybutfun]

As someone who is a dad, I have to say that I don't think he is acting much like one. He sounds like a sperm donor who comes in occasionally to throw around some expectations of you and your kids and some drama. Everything he has done, from his passive aggressive attempts to getting your family to guilt you into seeing him to inviting people to your house is manic and crazy. You might not think he is a monster, but do not kid yourself for one second that he isn't capable of emotionally hurting your kids.

My wife has a dysfunctional family and the only solution is no contact. Until you do this he gets to live rent free in your head and drive you to distraction while also guilt tripping and manipulating you. Is that really what you want your kids to think a grandfather is like?

He failed as a father, and he is failing as a grandfather and yet everyone is enabling his manipulative and drama filled behavior by letting him come in and out of their lives like he is a father, grandfather. You don't get that right unless you put in the work, unless you put in the hours, unless you genuinely care for your children, grandchildren.

Your job is to protect your kids. Do not let this man around them anymore. Don't you wish someone would have protected you from his emotional and verbal abuse over they years, because regardless of whether you want to see it, that is exactly what he did to you?

No contact,

Grumps

[VeronicaRoss]

First, we have very similar fathers. Many people who haven't experienced someone like that in their lives often doubt what I'm saying could be true, so I stopped talking openly about my parents a long time ago. That can feel lonely. If you're feeling that way too, there are support groups online and in real life so you can connect with others in the same position.

 

Second, I hugely admire your boundaries with him. Seriously I don't know where you learned them but you're doing an amazing job being a husband and dad yourself in putting them first! It is very painful to have to protect yourself but keep it up!

 

You seem to have a handle on what to do, just need more support and assurance that what you're doing is the right thing to do, that also says a lot about you.

 

I don't know if it will help you, not everyone is a reader, but you might check out books about narcissism and narcissistic parents. Narcissists can be very charming, but if they're hurting others to get what they want (they are positive it's a need) it just doesn't really matter.

 

Your dad might have more personality issues than narcissism. For me, I find understanding who they are and talking with others in the same boat has helped strengthen my resolve. I used to think that the most immature thing to do would be to have no contact with family members but my husband finally said to me, "They really aren't giving you a choice". That was the permission I needed. My life changed for the better in every way after I cut off contact. With some I have partial contact now. I'm polite and sociable with everyone when I see them at major family events. That's it.

[Phalanyx]

If I were in your situation, I would cave. Just this once.

 

Not because I believed I could fix my relationship with him, but because hopefully it is not too late for your children to know their grandfather. And if he really wants to get to know his grandchildren, he will keep in touch after this meeting.

 

Don't let him flit in and out of their lives. Let him know that if he wants to know them, he MUST be there to see them however often is good for the both of you. Once a fortnight, once a month. Not once every few years.

[I don't know]

Reading them help reassure me that Im doing the right thing. If you want to laught my Dad who made a big stink about visiting never actually came to NY. Turns out he diddn't have the money for a airfare,room and car rental.

 

As of now he has still not reached out to me even though he has told family members he's coming to see me and the kids for Easter. That really bothers me because it confirms to me that its all about him. As I write this I await a second **** storm started by him in 3-4 weeks. My position is this. If he reaches out to me, treats me like an adult and somehow shows me just a itty bitty piece of respect I will welcome him for with open arms. If he repeats the BS from January, he can get lost. Im not budging. He's been out of my life so long I kind of used to it.

[Mittens]

My father has been out of my life for 25 years now... he ran off with another woman, the day after my first wedding. I was just 21. Not seen him since.

 

I'd hardly seen him for over a decade beforehand...he had a job where he worked abroad alot. That was all through choice, not necessity - after 10 years of marriage he decided he wanted his single life back, and being on his own abroad, he could act like he was...

 

He made overtures about 4 years ago to reconnect (through bloody Facebook, of all things) Lots of people (including my partner) don't understand why I don't want to reconnect with him. 'You will miss him when he's gone' is a common refrain.

 

But I did all my grieving for our relationship 25 years ago. I've known my second H longer than I knew my father for. I just plain don't need the drama in my life by reconnecting with him...I know that doing so will bring nothing worthwhile to my life, as we were hardly close before he did disappear.

 

"He's been out of my life so long I'm kind of used to it" - Exactly how I feel. I miss the family I used to have - but that all ended when I was only 9. I'm now 45.

[Radu]

Reading them help reassure me that Im doing the right thing. If you want to laught my Dad who made a big stink about visiting never actually came to NY. Turns out he diddn't have the money for a airfare,room and car rental.

 

As of now he has still not reached out to me even though he has told family members he's coming to see me and the kids for Easter. That really bothers me because it confirms to me that its all about him. As I write this I await a second **** storm started by him in 3-4 weeks. My position is this. If he reaches out to me, treats me like an adult and somehow shows me just a itty bitty piece of respect I will welcome him for with open arms. If he repeats the BS from January, he can get lost. Im not budging. He's been out of my life so long I kind of used to it.

 

He's probably expecting you to pay.

 

As long as you do what he wants, or get affected by what he does, he wins.

 

My grandfather also had issues, and it showed in my dad.

Not of this type mind you, but he always tried to have ppl around him 'chasing' after him and presented himself in a very positive light.

The only one that saw through him was my maternal grandmother, who ironically ... was also an abuser.

My dad tried constantly to be the 'good son' and he had to give and give and give, yet when he needed help ... SOL.

 

I don't think you should let your kids see their grandpa, my dad caved in when i was 5 and let me stay with him for 2yrs ... and it really messed me up.

You need to go to counseling, but not for you ... as you already made peace with what you are, and to your good fortune [and your wife's] chose your wife over him constantly in this tug of war.

You need to do counseling to better understand boundaries, what is healthy and what is not, and teach your children to 'see' when others are constantly trying to destroy your boundaries ...

You speak of your family [including your aunt] being enablers; enablers do not enforce boundaries you know ... and over time they allow themselves to constantly lower boundaries and expectations, which still get violated.

[nic05]

There's some really good advice hear about boundaries. It sounds like you have done a really good job of setting these boundaries to limit the negative effects that your dad could be having over your life and your family.

 

I just want to add, I have a very similar father. Though I don't have children and the circumstances are quite different. Quintessentially they are similar people.

 

My father was a negative influence on my life, and I grew up to be self-deprecating and lack confidence. Which you don't sound like at all, so I admire that you haven't let your father influence you as a person.

 

Though I've had to set boundaries with my father, I've let him back into my life as he has been very ill. However, they don't change... even when they are facing serious illness. I didn't visit for a week and he was back to his old nasty self.

 

Counselling sounds like a good option in deciding how to deal with this relationship with him. Mind you seem to have it under control. I just hope that makes contact and all is well.