Jump to content

Estranged father has cancer.


007

Recommended Posts

I am in my mid 20's and i haven't seen my father since i was 12 years old. I haven't seen him in over 10 years despite him living close by.

 

My parents got divorced when i was a baby. He left on his own and he started a new family and now has 2 other children with his new family.

 

My mother has never stopped him from seeing me. At times she has been the one trying to encourage meetings. Between my baby years till i was about 12. He'd come see me once a year. BTW, he lived close by my entire life.

 

The last time i saw him when i was 12 was forced by my mother. My mother basically dropped me at his doorstep because she wanted us to have a relationship but That last meeting didn't go too well.

 

My stepmother was there and i felt very uncomfortable around her and also felt unwelcomed at their house. I told my mother how i felt and Ever since that meeting when i was 12. My mother told me she would leave the decision up to me. I haven't felt the need to go back to see him and he has not contacted me since.

 

Anyway, I recently found out my father has cancer. Is going through chemo and in hospital.

 

I don't feel nothing. I don't know him. He is like a stranger to me. I kind of feel guilty for not feeling sad that he might die.

 

I guess i am posting cos i don't know if i should go see him. He is a stranger to me and to be honest. If he dies. I probably won't even be sad. I know that sounds terrible.

 

My friends and everyone have been trying to encourage me to go see him incase he dies but i don't feel ready to see him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You were 12 last time you saw him....don't you have any question's for him???? This could be your last chance.

Aren't you interested in knowing your half-siblings also????

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please go see him. You were 12; you're not the same person now. He won't be around long.

 

I estranged myself from my dad when I was about 35 for things he and his wife did. But then he died from leukemia. And I kick myself for letting petty things get in the way of my knowing my dad. And it's too late now.

 

Just go and see what happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

If you don't want to see him don't. If he wants to see you he will ask for you. He has cancer and he's fighting it. He MAY live.

 

How did you find put about this? You are an adult. Talk to his second wife and ask her if she thinks he would like to see you. Or if your visiting might be harmful to his recovery or helpful.

 

But if you don't want to see him now then don't. If his health declines to where death is a certainty and soon then you can reevaluate your decision.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess i am posting cos i don't know if i should go see him. He is a stranger to me and to be honest. If he dies. I probably won't even be sad. I know that sounds terrible.

 

My friends and everyone have been trying to encourage me to go see him incase he dies but i don't feel ready to see him.

 

If you sincerely feel that he could die tomorrow and you'd have no unfinished business with him, and you'd prefer to not have further contact with him, that's a valid choice. I included the 'unfinished business' part because that can be the sticky wicket once he's gone, for you. I'm not talking about social norms or 'guilt', I'm talking about unresolved conflicts/interactions between he and you, from your perspective. An example would be if you hated him for leaving your mother and you when you were an infant. Etc, etc.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with some others. Don't go if you don't want to. There's a reason why he is estranged and that doesn't change just because he's sick. The question is do you have anything you'd like to say to him or things you'd like to do before things get worse?

 

I know of a friend who did see her dying husband before he passed and believe me it was not about forgiveness, etc. People will tell you to let the past be the past and forgive, but don't white-wash the fact that his reasons for being estranged is the reason why you are questioning whether you should even visit him.

 

Some people willl use the last visit or any visit as a means for closure. And closures are not always positive.

 

My father was dealing with end-stage of a disease and hospitalized. Estranged yes. My siblings and I visited not to tell him everything was okay and that we forgave him for his %*!#$* mistakes, but, rather, to give support for the good father he was when he was. Is there any love for him?

Edited by soccerrprp
Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

I don't see the point in going to see someone who is dieing just to go off on them about what a bad person they were or how hurt 'you' were by them. Venting at someone is not going to do any good and certainly not 'close' something. How would you feel if you were on the brink of death - dealing with the fear and remorse of an entire life - and we have all hurt other people - and trying to find a way to be peaceful within and someone you wronged came in venting and trying to find their own balance and you have neither the time or the strength to cope.

 

If you see him focus on the good. Acknowledge that there were bad times but don't dwell on them. It will do neither of you any good. And you'll feel better about yourself if you say goodbye in a mature and even in a nurturing manner.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW

You should definetly go see him, if not for any other reason but for yourself, it sounds like you've been through alot the last thing you need is that regret. See him once or see him daily thats your choice, but I would definetly go...

 

You may find a part of you will want to offer forgiveness for the lost past with him, forgiveness may be very theraputic for you and take a load off your shoulders you've been carrying for so long

 

((hugs))

 

p.s. would love an update

Link to post
Share on other sites
You should definetly go see him, if not for any other reason but for yourself, it sounds like you've been through alot the last thing you need is that regret. See him once or see him daily thats your choice, but I would definetly go...

 

You may find a part of you will want to offer forgiveness for the lost past with him, forgiveness may be very theraputic for you and take a load off your shoulders you've been carrying for so long

 

((hugs))

 

p.s. would love an update

 

She didn't indicate this is weighing on her shoulders. She said she's neutral.

 

I vote for staying away. He's made no effort to know you. IF he asks to see you re-evaluate then.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My biological father was 2 months into his final days when he requested to see his children. Of the 9 Children he heired, only three showed up. I semi-regret not making peace with him....yet at his funeral that I did attend...I realized I didnt grieve for the man...I grieved for the father he wasn't....

 

My Bio Dad did ask to make peace with my mother who raised us without his support, and she ( who is a very forgiving person beyond my scope), said No. She set her boundary and I admired her for that...

 

So as an adult....its your choice in what way you want to extend peace or settle past matters....I think people do change and maybe your Dad has...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't see the point in going to see someone who is dieing just to go off on them about what a bad person they were or how hurt 'you' were by them. Venting at someone is not going to do any good and certainly not 'close' something. How would you feel if you were on the brink of death - dealing with the fear and remorse of an entire life - and we have all hurt other people - and trying to find a way to be peaceful within and someone you wronged came in venting and trying to find their own balance and you have neither the time or the strength to cope.

 

If you see him focus on the good. Acknowledge that there were bad times but don't dwell on them. It will do neither of you any good. And you'll feel better about yourself if you say goodbye in a mature and even in a nurturing manner.

 

For some people, it does serve as closure. I get what you are saying, so, OP, if you feel no obligation and only bitterness, don't go.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh

About 17, 18 years ago, my mother was in the beginning stages of dementia and it got a little worse as time went on and after a while it started to get bad especially after my dad died.

 

She was forgetful and she was getting really mean because of the illness and she started making accusations that I was stealing her money and telling the whole family and we had a serious blowout over it and I refused to go see her any longer.

 

Finally my sister who lives out of state agreed to take her in and I put her on the airplane to go to my sisters. This was before 9-11 so things were more open at the airports. As I was leaving the plane, I thought to myself, "Thank God she's going."

 

After a while it got worse and my sister had no choice but to have her put in a home. I never talked to my mother after she left

 

The day after 9-11, my sister called me crying and told me that my mother died. I couldn't get her back where I live because all the flights were cancelled and it was going to be a hassle. My sister had her cremated.

 

I know that she wasn't in her right mind and it wasn't her fault but now it really bothers me that I never got the chance to say, I'm sorry for being mad at you Mum and I love you. No doubt she wouldn't remember it but I never got to say good bye. I have to live with that. It's not a good feeling.

 

Do yourself a favor and go see him. Talk to him. Try to clear the air. Once he's gone, I don't want you to have that same guilt that I have hanging over me. It's not fun and it will bother you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

You do what you feel is right in your heart and what you can or can't live with.

If there is any chance that you'll feel enlightened, at peace, give you closure, and maybe forgive your father for his past mistakes and how he hurt you, then go. It would be awful if he passes away and you feel bad/guilty and full of "I wish I did or that, saw him, said this."

 

Once he's gone, that's it.

 

If you are one to hold onto grudges, that's not healthy either. Life is short and I'm a strong believer in giving people second chances, sometimes even third chances, especially when it comes to family.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

This is one of those truly tough life decisions that only you can know what is right.

 

What occurred to me was your biological dad has not made any effort to be a part of your life ever. He's ill and he still isn't reaching out to you in any way.

 

The person who recommended asking your stepmother was on to something but she didn't treat you well either. Is there another relative or friend of his you could ask that would be more objective?

 

You may go talk with him to find the very same indifference you've experienced your whole life. Would that hurt you? If you go make sure it's for something you need to say or do, not because you'll finally get what he's never given you. That would be the way I'd make the decision.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am in my mid 20's and i haven't seen my father since i was 12 years old. I haven't seen him in over 10 years despite him living close by.

 

My parents got divorced when i was a baby. He left on his own and he started a new family and now has 2 other children with his new family.

 

My mother has never stopped him from seeing me. At times she has been the one trying to encourage meetings. Between my baby years till i was about 12. He'd come see me once a year. BTW, he lived close by my entire life.

 

The last time i saw him when i was 12 was forced by my mother. My mother basically dropped me at his doorstep because she wanted us to have a relationship but That last meeting didn't go too well.

 

My stepmother was there and i felt very uncomfortable around her and also felt unwelcomed at their house. I told my mother how i felt and Ever since that meeting when i was 12. My mother told me she would leave the decision up to me. I haven't felt the need to go back to see him and he has not contacted me since.

 

Anyway, I recently found out my father has cancer. Is going through chemo and in hospital.

 

I don't feel nothing. I don't know him. He is like a stranger to me. I kind of feel guilty for not feeling sad that he might die.

 

I guess i am posting cos i don't know if i should go see him. He is a stranger to me and to be honest. If he dies. I probably won't even be sad. I know that sounds terrible.

 

My friends and everyone have been trying to encourage me to go see him incase he dies but i don't feel ready to see him.

 

 

I didn't read the other responses but ... my dad died 6 months ago. I hadn't spoken with him in almost 20 years. he was an amazing father, but when he cheated on my mom my principles wouldn't allow me to ever forgive him, and I didn't. but I still knew all about him and he knew about me (through my siblings), so when he was rushed to the hospital I got a call at work to come immediately if I wanted to see him. I had to take a flight to another location, but there was no hesitancy, I went, knowing I would never see him again. he was in a coma when I got there and died the next day, so I never actually got to talk to him one last time. it doesn't matter that he was a stranger for all those years, he was a human being and as a human being you feel love and compassion for others when they are dying or facing hardship. not sure what else to say except that you'd regret not going and just being a friend, which is possible.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...