How to tell my mother in law she needs to seek a psychiatrist

[Daisy7]

My mother in law is constantly depressed and threatening others that she wants to take her life and kill herself by overdosing with meds to scare others. One day she is good the next she is wanting to end it all. She emailed me saying that she feels crazy that her mind is not right. I worry for her but everyone is already fed up with her threats. How can i politely without seeing defensive tell her that she needs professional help not just meds. That she needs to seek professional advice and speak to someone? My husband does not pay her any mind as she uses this a lot also for attention. When she gets what she wants she is fine and happy and dandy.

 

But this email she sent me is just a lot of nonsense. She needs professional help, if she goes to her regular doctor they just give her meds for depression. she is also a pharmacist so she knows her meds and takes a load of them.

 

i dont know what to do, she is driving me crazy

[Daisy7]

i really do not want to be disrespectful to her after all she is my husband mother. Some people do not take lightly when others tell them to seek professional help.

 

To me she is fine she really does do it out of attention and people around her including my husband's dad everyone just ignores her already because its always the same thing but at the same time i really would like for her to get some help.

[candie13]

there are two different things here:

 

- on one side, there's her illness

- on the other side, it's the fact that she is using it to manipulate others to get things - attention, etc

 

So, what you could do, is talk to her. Invite yourself over to her place. Discuss about her mood swings. Ask her to talk, tell when it happens, how often, how severe. Then, tell her she is worrying you and that she should do something about it.

 

suggest her some doctors and some ways she can get on top of her game. Tell her you can support her, while she is getting help - professional help, not self medication.

 

However, if she refuses to get help, to please stop writing you and contacting you to vent. Because yes, listening is great, but you can only listen for so long. After a while, it becomes a waste of time. This way, you will stop her manipulation.

 

Girl, her ranting, her fits, her crisis is obviously getting to you. She needs to decide: in or out. If she's out, fine. But you do not have to be part of it. or part of the cheering crowd.

 

Tough love...

 

Best of luck

[carhill]

In California, it's known as danger to self or others, aka 5150, and I'd advise the sheriff or paramedics to assess and report whenever my mom called them with 'crazy stuff'. Such incidents can also be reported and the authorities will act on that. We never had to do a forced psych hold but the baseline was there if it were needed. TBH, this is probably the responsibility of her family. However, anyone can be a reporter, presuming such processes exist in your jurisdiction.

 

IMO, you don't 'tell' MIL she needs to see a psych. Leave that to the LEO's. If she's disordered or 'nuts' or clinically depressed, telling her is a waste of time. I learned guile and deceit to handle caring for a psychotic person, as direct confrontation was generally useless. One trick, that worked a few times, was to get her to go with me to 'my' doctor and, while interviewing me, the doctor would 'interview' (assess) her. Of course, the doctor was a psychiatrist/neurologist who was charged with assessing her, but we came up with the ruse to get her in there.

 

If MIL is clinically depressed (psych will make that call) and threatening suicide on a consistent basis, that forms the potential for danger to self or others. A cop or a clinician knows the steps to take.

 

Lastly, as a pharmacist, she has a higher duty to care, both for herself and others, since she is licensed to dispense medications and advise on their use. Something to consider is that she is over-medicated, whether by script from others or from abuse of her position as a pharmacist. It's very possible, and common in my experience, that a medication or cocktail of same could be responsible for her brain chemistry issues.

 

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[Radu]

OP, you are effectively describing the emotional maturity of a 11yr old in the body of an older woman who has full rights to dispense medication.

 

Pls listen to carhil.

[Daisy7]

Thank you everyone this is very overwhelming.

Carhill,

I did not know you could seek a cop for this, thank you for all the useful information.

She has this so called "phases" every so often, however her husband my husband's family just ignores her when she does since they are so used to her doing this. She sent me an alarming email last week for me to tell my husband to call her because it is urgent (my husband was working late that day) so i called her to let her know so that she does not think he is ignoring her, and when i called she said to me never mind everything is fine now. I was so worried! Then she emails me this that she doesn't feel right in the head and that she is taking her medications which i don't understand what meds her doctor is prescribing her since physically there is nothing wrong with her other than her been overweight but she has even been dieting so unless it is for her depression i dont understand.

 

I really feel bad for her but i don't want her to drive me to stress medications myself either. No one seems to take her seriously since this is not new but i worry for her. She told me she is going to go see the doctor, but i know how that works i bet she is not clear so they just assume oh ok depression here you go meds for depression oh wait you have anxiety too here you go a prescription for anxiety oh your nerves here you go more meds, so this is what upsets me that she doesnt need meds she just needs to talk to a professional about her issues, but i dont know how to approach her without been rude,

 

I like the doctor idea about going for me but in fact the doctor is interviewing her i think this is an excellent option thank you!

 

 

Candie13,

 

She is very manipulative sometimes i dont know if she is serious or not. One time she scared everyone and took a bunch of meds because she was depressed. nothing happened but everyone was on edge. I told my husband you need to deal with your parents (they always use me as mediator or as a way of contact to get to my husband) is driving me crazy and he just ignores it because he knows exactly how they are so he doesn't deal with it because he is used to me dealing with it for him!

Edited September 14, 2013 by Daisy7

[HokeyReligions]

Lastly, as a pharmacist, she has a higher duty to care, both for herself and others, since she is licensed to dispense medications and advise on their use. Something to consider is that she is over-medicated, whether by script from others or from abuse of her position as a pharmacist. It's very possible, and common in my experience, that a medication or cocktail of same could be responsible for her brain chemistry issues.

 

This is what concerns me. She has the potential to be very dangerous for others. Either by design, confusion, maliciousness or simply because whatever she has (bi-polar? Depression?) or whatever she is taking, is causing behavior problems and emotional/intellectual inability to make sound decisions. It could decrease her ability to focus and be detail oriented - especially with dispensing drugs or advice about taking those drugs.

 

There are ways to report this possible threat to her safety, the safety of others, often anonymously.

Raising concerns about a pharmacy professional | General Pharmaceutical Council

 

She may be able to get the help she needs in this way and possibly your name may be kept out of it. Or if not, then the threat of being formally reported might be what it takes to shake up her family enough to intervene.

 

It's a slippery slope and I wish you well.

 

I know what crazy MIL's are like. I'm involved right now with trying to get mine committed and get someone trustworthy to be given durable power of attorney. The crazy old bad is in serious danger of losing her home and everything in it; and will not be able to afford to move to a retirement community. I have no problem 'pulling the trigger' to have her committed, but I'm a daughter-in-law and this has to come from a blood relative.

 

In my case, Hubby is fine with it (no love lost between him & his mother) but the stress is bad for HIS health so I'm trying to do the work first. If I'm not successful the government will take her $500k house, her $1M+ in other assets and ship her off to a state facility. I don't care about the money - I only care about what that would do to my husband. I'm trying to get my feet under me on this slope too.

[Tayla]

Approaching the subject in a calm and caring way is not easy. And yes, its absolutely OK to address this concern. There are Mental Health centers that have Intervention courses when approaching the person . I took a four week course on it and would recommend at least touching base with them. A lady friend is going thru severe mental issues and she is NOT in the least a friend of the medical community. She appreciated that a "Close" friend confronted her on this possible illness and is at least considering seeing a counselor. Once someone knows that others care and are not judging them...its easier to address the topic. The Lady friend was advised though that none of us would tolerate her tactic to threaten suicide. So even if she says it in "jest", we tell her point blank and sternly. Its not funny, Shall I drive you to the Hospital?

[CC12]

so this is what upsets me that she doesnt need meds she just needs to talk to a professional about her issues, but i dont know how to approach her without been rude,

 

Her doctors believe that she needs meds. I would not get involved with anything having to do with her medications. Don't ever suggest that she stop taking them, or anything like that. Some prescriptions can be very dangerous if stopped cold-turkey.

 

But when she unloads her mental health issues on you, I think it would be appropriate to say, "MIL, I'm very concerned about you, but I don't have the knowledge or experience to help you with these things. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Is there anyone I can call?"

 

And if she threatens suicide or self-harm, don't play around. Say, "I am worried about your safety right now. I'm going to call someone to come check on you." And that someone is the 911 operator to tell them that she is suicidal. The police would most likely go to her house to do a welfare check. Don't worry, they won't be going there to arrest her or anything, just to make sure she's not a danger to herself.

 

She might be mad at you for getting anyone else involved, and her family might be mad at you, but that's okay. You'll have done the right thing. Actually, here's what you should do. If she threatens self-harm, excuse yourself somehow and call the Suicide Hotline. In the US, it's 1-800-273-8255. Follow their instructions. Then if you get any backlash from the family, you can say, look, I was scared and worried about her, so I called professionals and did what they told me to do.

 

Threats of suicide shouldn't be ignored. It's sad that her family has learned to ignore her, but I suppose I can understand why, if she uses these threats to manipulate people. Still, there's always a chance that this time she's serious, and it would really suck if everyone just ignored her. If she's really only doing it for attention like you all think she is, maybe visits from the police every time she talks about suicide would deter her from continuing that practice. Or it might finally be the thing that convinces her to get more help.

[mea_M]

Sorry to read this. But do to the serious nature of her threats, she seems to be really crying out. I'd start my mentioning that her behavior suggests some intervention at this point. Give her the option first to consent to this. If that does not work, higher authority may be required. Good luck.

 

 

Mea:)

[turnera]

MIL, I love you, but I can't sit by and watch you in so much pain. I have the names of some great doctors and I'll be glad to help you with appointments, if you want me to.

[Daisy7]

CC12,

 

Thank you so much for the information. You are so right the next time she threatens her own life even if everyone gets mad i will call 911 if it gets and only gets extremely bad because that is not a joke. My MIL is extremely dramatic i honestly feel she does it for attention but its been 8 years to long since i have known this woman and it does not change she behaves the same way. I am so fed up with it. If she is depressed then stop saying your depressed and go talk to a professional. EVERYONE in the family has given her positive advice about the good things in life blah blah blah but when she is not the center of attention she begins this whole i want to kill myself or am so depressed and blah blah. Today for instance she called my husband, my husband told me she called me to tell me she isnt feeling well we are miles and MILESSSSS appart what the hell is my husband going to do?"oh dont feel bad stay positive" the same nonesense am truly tired of catering to her 24/7 and her husband is fed up but my husband still doesnt realize it.

 

Honestly, if i were to call the cops my husband is very aggresive it would end up really bad if i did call the cops on her to evaluate her regardless of my good intentions.

 

i dont know if she is serious about her depression and if she is i want her to see someone to find out from an actual professional if she is clinically depressed otherwise she might just be doing this for show, but if she is not then she is getting help you get me so i know she will be okay cause this nonsense worries everyone!

 

mea_M:

 

no one admits she needs help they just put a bandaid on the wound and call it a day. a s overwhelmed.

 

turnera:

I have decided to tell her myself whether she hates me or not i feel is for her own best interest to have someone tell her if you really feel that way then get help (ofcourse i will have to choose my words carefully)

 

she keeps calling everyday to the house saying, ohhh i feel bad, am depressed then as soon as she talks to my husband is as if nothing happened she is all laughs and cracking up and like nothing i dont get her. i feel is attention but am not sure.

[turnera]

My MIL used to call us at all hours, crying because the daughter she was living near was 'ignoring her and using her as a babysitter.' So we bought her a house near us and moved her here. Next thing you know, she's calling her daughter moaning that we are mean and hateful and making her cry. And she gets her other son to move her out of the house we bought (which we had to then sell at a loss) without telling us.

 

You really can't change them and she likely will never go to a doctor. Just accept it.

 

On another note, is your husband abusive to you? What kind of 'aggressive?'

[pteromom]

She is very manipulative sometimes i dont know if she is serious or not.

 

This is another reason to just go ahead and call the authorities. If she sees that you take her threats seriously, she will be much less likely to use them to manipulate next time.

[pteromom]

I have decided to tell her myself whether she hates me or not i feel is for her own best interest to have someone tell her if you really feel that way then get help (ofcourse i will have to choose my words carefully)

 

You are just buying yourself drama if you do this. She'll go back to your husband and her family and whine about how you want to lock her up and you think she's crazy.

 

Next time she does it, just call 911.

 

If your husband gets aggressive, you can tell him you were genuinely concerned for her and are just trying to help. (I assume you mean verbally aggressive... if he is physically aggressive, you should just leave him AND his crazy MIL behind.)

[Daisy7]

This is another reason to just go ahead and call the authorities. If she sees that you take her threats seriously, she will be much less likely to use them to manipulate next time.

 

 

I thought about telling her but then i held myself back because like you said she can just play it as me trying to lock her up and in front of everyone put me as the bad guy even though everyone knows just how exactly she is. My husband is very aggressive verbally sometimes when he gets angry he may break things. She is driving everyone crazy though!

[Daisy7]

My MIL used to call us at all hours, crying because the daughter she was living near was 'ignoring her and using her as a babysitter.' So we bought her a house near us and moved her here. Next thing you know, she's calling her daughter moaning that we are mean and hateful and making her cry. And she gets her other son to move her out of the house we bought (which we had to then sell at a loss) without telling us.

 

You really can't change them and she likely will never go to a doctor. Just accept it.

'

 

That is so horrible! This reminds me so much of my own MIL this lady is a master manipulator! She can have anybody on her feet with her schemes and plans.