Mental Prep for a Visit with the In-Laws

[mercuryshadow]

My FI has planned a trip for us to go down and visit his parents in another state this upcoming weekend through mid-week. There was no formal invite, really, but he doesn't get to see them very often and wanted to, understandably so. They seemed on-board, and we made our plans, etc.

 

However, I must say that I need to exercise a LOT of patience when in their presence for extended periods. His M tends to complain about 95% of the time. She doesn't ask questions or engage in two-way conversation. She literally goes on and on about anything bad she can possibly think of. I feel sorry for her, my heart goes out to her (she seems very unhappy)...but there's only so much I can take. Anyone have any tips for politely dealing with this kind of thing?

 

I had planned to make some meals as well as offer her a manicure while I am there, as she has commented on my nails from time to time. I decided I'd treat her to something nice. I hope it helps.

 

Prior to our upcoming visit, my FI's brother and his family visited. FI got phone call after phone call from his M about how much of a mess they made, how it was so much work for her, etc. I understand, it's stressful. But after hearing her complain to FI about the visit, I am a bit weary about going. FI insists we must, as he wants to see everyone, misses them, etc. So, I'm going...

 

Any helpful tips for emotional/mental preparation would be really, really appreciated.

[mercuryshadow]

I'm more than positive he's the man for me, but I'm well aware of what traits he's inherited from his parents. He's no complainer by any means, I believe that his M is just not happy in her retirement (she doesn't have much to occupy herself with). His F is a bit impatient, I've noticed. I see that in my FI from time to time, but I call him out on it (in a nice way, of course). Aside from that, my FI is a great guy, very upbeat, positive, supportive and loving.

 

His parents live in a remote area, so staying in a hotel is not an option, unfortunately. We may go camping for a night or two if it gets to be too much. haha.

[Onward_Upward]

Well, naturally with negative people, it is best to simply stay away from them... but that is obviously not possible in your case. And if her attitude only set in during her retirement, then that is a different matter again... (Much easier to deal with, than someone whose been a "negative nelly" all their lives)

 

My advice is to show her "love"... Smile and be sincere. Offer to help out, and as you have already considered, give her a gift or two. Tell her she's done a fantastic job raising her son, and that she should be proud of him, etc... Basically, you need to diffuse her bitterness at every opportunity. But be sincere about it

 

I know this can be incredibly hard, but what are the alternatives? Call her out on it and potentially embarrass her?

 

Now, if her negative attitude continues over several visits, and all your efforts seems to be in vain, then that would be the time to consider confronting her about it. Not in a rough and ready-to-fight manner, but with gentleness and kindness... She may change her ways, and she may not... It all depends how deep-rooted her issues are.

 

And if all this fails? ... Well, as Minion said: Find a hotel ... in the next town if need be!

Edited August 28, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[mercuryshadow]

Well, we are back now. I survived. Barely. FMIL complained 95 percent of the time but I found that not engaging the negativity helped to slow it down. For the first time, though, I saw his parents bicker (a lot). They aren't happy. His M doesn't really have a lot to do out there so she keeps herself immersed in drama and other peoples' business. I steered clear of that kind of talk. FFIL has things to keep himself occupied out there. He seems more suited to retirement than his wife, at least where they live.

 

We were able to have some fun. My son enjoyed himself but also felt grew tired of the negativity. At the end of our visit they announced that they'd be coming in early fall to visit at our house. At first I cringed but then realized that it might be a good opportunity to establish the rules at OUR home. FI agrees.

[HokeyReligions]

My FI has planned a trip for us to go down and visit his parents in another state this upcoming weekend through mid-week. There was no formal invite, really, but he doesn't get to see them very often and wanted to, understandably so. They seemed on-board, and we made our plans, etc.

 

However, I must say that I need to exercise a LOT of patience when in their presence for extended periods. His M tends to complain about 95% of the time. She doesn't ask questions or engage in two-way conversation. She literally goes on and on about anything bad she can possibly think of. I feel sorry for her, my heart goes out to her (she seems very unhappy)...but there's only so much I can take. Anyone have any tips for politely dealing with this kind of thing?

 

I had planned to make some meals as well as offer her a manicure while I am there, as she has commented on my nails from time to time. I decided I'd treat her to something nice. I hope it helps.

 

Prior to our upcoming visit, my FI's brother and his family visited. FI got phone call after phone call from his M about how much of a mess they made, how it was so much work for her, etc. I understand, it's stressful. But after hearing her complain to FI about the visit, I am a bit weary about going. FI insists we must, as he wants to see everyone, misses them, etc. So, I'm going...

 

Any helpful tips for emotional/mental preparation would be really, really appreciated.

 

Valium. Lots. If it doesn't help you , offer to make her some special tea.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, we are back now. I survived. Barely. FMIL complained 95 percent of the time but I found that not engaging the negativity helped to slow it down. For the first time, though, I saw his parents bicker (a lot). They aren't happy. His M doesn't really have a lot to do out there so she keeps herself immersed in drama and other peoples' business. I steered clear of that kind of talk. FFIL has things to keep himself occupied out there. He seems more suited to retirement than his wife, at least where they live.

 

We were able to have some fun. My son enjoyed himself but also felt grew tired of the negativity. At the end of our visit they announced that they'd be coming in early fall to visit at our house. At first I cringed but then realized that it might be a good opportunity to establish the rules at OUR home. FI agrees.

 

Glad you survived. Make her that special tea when she visits. I'm seriously considering it for my MIL. Yes really. We're trying to get her to a doc for a prescription --- first.

[mercuryshadow]

Thanks!!

 

Jeez, I'm sorry you have to resort to that! FMIL takes about 10 different pills a day, and some are uppers and downers. Not sure they help. Even though we managed to have some fun there, I sprang a cold sore about 3 days in (which is something I only get when I'm very stressed!!) It was then that I was able to tell FI that we needed an all day excursion, or I would go insane. He understood.

 

I'm honestly starting to feel anxious about next month's visit because it will be a pretty full house. Plus, these folks also have a way of imposing the way THEY think things should be while visiting. I don't think I'll be able to maintain much patience for that. Honestly, I wish they lived closer, because then they wouldn't need to come visit for a week.

 

Good luck with your MIL!! I understand how frustrating it can be.