I hate my parents

[sadgal88]

I must be the most miserable 25 year old in the world! Ughh where do I begin with my ordeal.... I hate to say this but I sometimes feel like I hate my parents!!!!! Especially my mother who is the main instigator in every scenario. She controls every aspect of my sister's and my life. She doesn't want us to be independent and if we ever hint or tell her how we feel she goes on a rant on how we are ungrateful and how our life will be full of bad things due to all the crap we put her through. How bad we are when there is one dish in the sink? You know how you make yourself something to eat .. And you eat first then go and clean up your mess.

 

Like I said it's both of them that annoy me but mostly my mother because she is the instigator and outspoken one my dad just follows her lead.

 

My sister is 21 and I am 25... Our parents (especially my mother) swears up and down that we are the worst kids in the world!! How had she known we would have been so bad she would have stayed with her 3 oldest daughters and not have had us( as if we asked to be born.. Thank you).

* We go to school,

*we both work,

*we don't do drugs

*we don't have much of a social life because of her!!

*neither of us have kids YET or have ever been pregnant.

*we aren't $luts and never been.

 

I remember once when my sister was about 15 years old and one of her girl friends had invited her to go window shopping since they were both bored and wanted to hang out. My sister told my mother and my dear mom accused my sister of going to whore around and that she hoped she got pregnant. My sister ended up in tears and didn't go out with her friend that day.

 

We are the worst to her simply because = we dont clean our room when she wants us too

= we voice our opinions to her and correct her cause she always thinks she's right.

 

This is what is currently going down in my household:

 

So whenever my sister and I tell them we are going on a vacation, my mother miss instigator gets angry and starts yelling because according to her we have to ask her and my father for permission. We tell her for what if they aren't paying for it and we are both grown. So my sister and I were both on vacation in December visiting our fake a$$ family in the DR for christmas and new years. So they took it upon themselves to fill my mother in about the things we were doing while over there. How we partied and drank everyday came home late blablabla. When we returned from our 2 week vacation my sister and I felt like we had literally been abducted. Our parents decided to hide our passports because they donot want us traveling... My mother went on her screaming rant about how we were hypocrites and that now that they have our passports we aint going anywhere. She called the whole world to tell them our business and how she took our passports, one of my uncle's advised her to control us because we shouldn't be traveling more than 2x times a year!! Says the one who travels to cheat on his wife with girls 3x younger than he is... Hmm yeah ok. About 3 weeks ago my god-mother called to invite my sister and I to a Canada trip she organizes every year, my mother who was the one that picked up the phone told my god-mother they aren't going because they don't have permission. She then proudly comes to our room to let us know that we were invited to Canada but she told her aren't allowed to travel!! I was so angry I went off and of course the screaming match began. How ungrateful we are blablabla.

 

My sister and I had a cruise planned since October of 2012 and had already put an $1100 deposit towards it. It was suppose to be my sister, our cousin, my friend and I all 4 of us plus a friend I have in Germany who was suppose to meet us on the cruise in Miami. So I had received in the mail a package from the cruise. My mother came into my room to hand it to me and asked "are you guys planning on going on a cruise???" My sister replied "yes we are!" My mother than said "with who's permission you guys know that you both can't travel" any who we ignored her and she went about her business. So a week after that my cousin and friend were coming over to bring me the money for their cruise room, I was doing the dishes and my mother was in the kitchen and had asked me "what is your cousin and friend coming over for?" Innocently I replied back that they were coming over to bring me their cruise deposit. Ah boy what was that for! She starts yelling and telling me how she had already told me we didn't have permission to go and they we aren't going and that's that! I screamed right back at her and told her that she was crazy that I am not 5 years old and that yes we are going! She replies back telling me with what passport!!! And then goes on a screaming rant for nearly 2hours, I put on my headphones and blocked her voice until she finally left and shut up. I text my cousin and friend told them not to come to forget it, I explained what happened and at that point they just decides they no longer wanted to go. Before I put in my headphones my dear mother had said how if we went to the cruise our ship was going to probably sink for disobeying her orders which put everyone off. My sister decided we should just cancel the cruise, I called the booking department the next day and they told us their will be a $200 cancellation fee!!!!!!! ($50 per person, since its 4 of us) So on top of the deposit we had already given which would remain as a credit we had to give an additional $200, we are still canceling and will be gladly taking the $200 from my mothers account. We will also kindly let her know that since she was the main instigator and wanted us to cancel we did just what she wanted. I am so mad that we gave in but I already used some of the money I had planned to use on the cruise to pay some stuff off and so have the rest of the people that were going so we won't have enough to pay the rest which is due next month since we already lost sync.

 

My cousin came to visit us a few days after that incident but I hadn't arrived home yet since I was at work. But my sister was there and had text me how my mother had given him a whole lecture. She told him that she took our passports because she has us on punishment and if we ever tell him on going on any other vacation to call her first to verify with her if we have permission to go and to make sure we aren't lying about it.

 

Like I said before she calls everyone to discuss every issue that happens in our house that regards us ( of course issues that she creates) but to talk about her other family members she won't do it. I say this because one of her brothers was recently incarcerated due to a drug charge and a lot of people started calling the house like her friends etc., to find out about it but she wouldn't answer the phone stating that she doesn't want to talk bad about him to anyone because that is her brother. But when it comes to my sister and I she is quick to dial in herself and tell her friends how proud she was when in one of her angry rants she called me " a slut" yet I clearly am not! She claims to do all of this because she loves us ?? When she gets mad she tells us if we want to do whatever we want to get out of her house. So when we tell her we will leave eventually because we can't live with her forever, my mother gets angry once again and tells us that we just want to move out so that we can whore around and how we will have to struggle and a whole bunch of bad things will happen to us and that when we have children they will be horrible demonic kids. Let me not forget to add that she constantly tells us that we are going to kill her because she suffers from high blood pressure.

 

The reason why I hadn't moved out before was because I was going to school Full-time and only working part-time so I obviously couldn't afford to live on my own. Thank god I am finally working full-time and have been saving every penny and will be possibly moving out of state and unfortunately will be cutting all ties to my parents.

 

Am I wrong for this ??

Edited April 24, 2013 by sadgal88

[turnera]

Uh, you are both legal adults. Why would you need your mother's permission to get a passport?

[BetheButterfly]

 

The reason why I hadn't moved out before was because I was going to school Full-time and only working part-time so I obviously couldn't afford to live on my own. Thank god I am finally working full-time and have been saving every penny and will be possibly moving out of state and unfortunately will be cutting all ties to my parents.

 

Am I wrong for this ??

 

Your Mother is verbally abusing you and your sister. I think it's important for you to move away as soon as you can and establish firm boundaries with consequences of no contact for a time if the boundaries are crossed.

 

You are not wrong or at fault at all for what is happening. Your Mom is supposed to not abuse her children.

 

If you can, I would suggest both you and your sister taking a loan from the college and moving on campus. I think that debt would be worth it.

 

I am sorry your Mom is like that. Again, it's not your fault. Please talk to a college counselor about it and see about moving on campus.

[BetheButterfly]

Uh, you are both legal adults. Why would you need your mother's permission to get a passport?

 

That is one of the issues when a parent verbally abuses his/her child(ren): it negatively affects their personal growth.

[Keenly]

Move out.... it the cord and stop speaking to your mother. Yeah she is insane but you are letting her do this.

[Treasa]

If you and your sister are both working, you could move out and get a place together.

[KatZee]

If you and your sister are both working, you could move out and get a place together.

 

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. If you're close with her, put your resources together, and get a place for the both of you.

 

Also, you're both adults. Call up whatever passport agency is around you, and say that it was lost. They can issue you a new one. You're going to have to pay for it obviously but you can get a new one.

 

I would start gathering your stuff now, find all of your documents (birth certificate, social security card--- maybe you'll also find your passports with these things.) I would keep all of your financial information private, open a safety credit card (will boost your credit score too), start browsing locations where you could move.

 

I know you say you're in school full time so obviously you can't move completely out of state, but I would keep your location private as well.

[sadgal88]

Move out.... it the cord and stop speaking to your mother. Yeah she is insane but you are letting her do this.

 

 

I am it's just that because I had been working only part-time due to school it was basically impossible. But now that I am not in school and working full-time I am saving up so I can finally get out.

[sadgal88]

Move out.... it the cord and stop speaking to your mother. Yeah she is insane but you are letting her do this.

 

 

I am it's just that because I had been working only part-time due to school it was basically impossible. But now that I am not in school and working full-time I am saving up so I can finally get out.

[sadgal88]

That is one of the issues when a parent verbally abuses his/her child(ren): it negatively affects their personal growth.

 

Unfortunately it really has , I feel like such a useless being. That is why I just needed a place to vent and feel that someone or some people understand where I am coming from because I clearly have no support from the people who surround me because everyone keeps backing my parents up. My mother has the nerve to call me a slut or prostitute whenever she gets upset, yet she wants me to get with men that have money. Luckily I am not that kind of chick that goes around gold-digging and believe in making it with my own efforts.

 

She also makes me feel as if anything were to ever happen to her it would be my fault. Her constant nagging on how my sister and I are going to kill her of a heart attack one day whenever we don't do what she wants us to do.

[pteromom]

You can't control what your mother does, but you can control your reaction to it. And you can learn to control your emotional response to it as well.

 

Start consciously trying to detach emotionally from her. Note that what she says to you comes from her desire to control the situation and is NOT a reflection of you. She can call you a name, and that does not mean it's true. She does not define you.

 

Quit even talking to her about what you are doing or planning on doing. Just be who you want to be and compartmentalize your life.

 

Read. There are books on narcissism, surviving emotional abuse, creating boundaries in relationships, etc. Read them. Learn to stand up for yourself.

 

And keep saving so you can get out of there! Start researching places to live. Work with your sister.

[pteromom]

My mother has the nerve to call me a slut or prostitute whenever she gets upset

 

But you know that is not true.

 

She also makes me feel as if anything were to ever happen to her it would be my fault. Her constant nagging on how my sister and I are going to kill her of a heart attack one day whenever we don't do what she wants us to do.

 

But you know that is not true as well. She is responsible for her choices, and you are responsible for yours. Even if she chooses to get so stressed out about what you are doing that she gives herself a heart attack, that's HER choice, not YOUR fault.

 

If she feels close to a heart attack, that says a lot more about lessons she needs to learn about control and attachment than it does about anything you are doing.

[BetheButterfly]

Unfortunately it really has ,

 

Yeah. Words are powerful, either for good or for bad.

I feel like such a useless being.

Please don't believe the lies your Mom has told you or made you feel anymore. You are a wonderful beautiful intelligent lady and you deserve Love, Kindness, Respect, and healthy relationships!!!

 

That is why I just needed a place to vent and feel that someone or some people understand where I am coming from because I clearly have no support from the people who surround me because everyone keeps backing my parents up.

I am glad you came here to vent. That's a good thing about Loveshack.

 

I am sorry that you do not have a good support system. Ideally parents are supposed to be the #1 support system for their children, but IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT that your Mom isn't. It's her fault. Moms have the responsibility to Love their children, and how your Mom is treating you isn't Love, even if she says she loves you. Love is proved by actions!!!

 

My mother has the nerve to call me a slut or prostitute whenever she gets upset,

I wonder if she was abused when she was young?

yet she wants me to get with men that have money. Luckily I am not that kind of chick that goes around gold-digging and believe in making it with my own efforts.

It's so awesome that you are working hard and studied full-time!!! That's great!!!Don't let your Mom define you. When she says lies about you, remember they are lies. I agree with the others that you need to move away. While I understand why you want to cut her out of your life, I do think it'd be good to first make boundaries (like No insults and no lies about who I am) and the consequences for breaking them. Then, it'd be good, once you have moved, to tell them to her and firmly carry out those consequences.

 

She also makes me feel as if anything were to ever happen to her it would be my fault.

She is very manipulative. She is just trying to keep power over you.

 

Her constant nagging on how my sister and I are going to kill her of a heart attack one day whenever we don't do what she wants us to do

It blows my mind how some moms can be like this. My Mom has gone through a lot with my sisters and me, but she has never ever tried to make us feel responsible for her health, and she has never ever insulted us.

 

Please please please move out. It would be great if you and your sister could move out together and start afresh, and yeah I don't think you should tell your parents where y'all move. Remember, you're 25 and your sister is 21. Your parents do not have authority over y'all anymore in the eyes of the Law.

[sadgal88]

My sister and I get along we have filled out apartment forms and sent them out about 2 weeks ago. We are both saving up together as well, will not be discussing our plans and plan on just leaving a note when we move out.

[pteromom]

My sister and I get along we have filled out apartment forms and sent them out about 2 weeks ago. We are both saving up together as well, will not be discussing our plans and plan on just leaving a note when we move out.

 

You'll be ok. This is the prelude to a new beginning for you. When you get out of your parents' house on your own, keep working on your self-esteem and building your confidence so that you will never believe anything negative someone says about you again.

[sadgal88]

well dont have to be cruel like that by leaving a note.

you can also tell her a week before you go.

or give her hint first..

 

leaving a note sounds cruel.

 

Talking doesn't work in my house.

[BetheButterfly]

well dont have to be cruel like that by leaving a note.

you can also tell her a week before you go.

or give her hint first..

 

leaving a note sounds cruel.

 

I don't think leaving a note sounds cruel. I think just disappearing would be cruel though, but leaving a note explaining why is ok, due to how her Mom acts towards them.

 

It really makes me sad that the OP and her sister didn't go on the cruise... it's sad that 2 young ladies (25 and 21) regretted telling their Mom their exciting plans. If her Mom conducted herself like a Loving and Caring Mom instead of a manipulative mean controller, than I would agree with you though.

 

If she told her Mom a week before, then I think the Mom would make her tell where she was going and also would try to make her feel horrible. Not cool! She's 25 and her sister is 21. They need to get out of the house and grow!!!

Edited April 24, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[sadgal88]

Thank you all for the advise and letting me vent, I feel so much better

[Radu]

Your mother has an emotional problem [deffinitely not insane] and your father is a glorified enabler.

While your father may not seem like an abuser, he is deffinitely a passive abuser in letting his wife do this to you.

 

I have good news though, if you manage to see how full of bull**** she is, it's good for you, very good.

Looking back at your childhood, she started being like this about the time you started developing your personalities ?; that's shortly before adolescence, when children tend to stop following everything their parents say and try to break free to create their own individuality.

 

Read up on this :

Histrionic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

i might be wrong, or i might be right ... if it doesn't fit, look in all of the Cluster B's, she's probably a mix.

It tends to run in the families, especially when it is not recognized, you are safe from it ... you recognize it and probably are already planning to not be parents like her.

Also, pick up a copy of the book 'Toxic Parents'.

 

Here's another bit of help, do not validate her screaming.

Never scream, never yell, never argue with her.

When she starts screaming, if you start fighting back, it means that you are already dancing with the devil.

You must stop dancing with the devil, if she [the devil] comes to you and offers a dance, do not do it.

If you need to vent, do it here, and read up on the abuse section in this forum.

 

PS: If she is a cluster b or you identify her in Toxic Parents, do not let her know you see her for what she is.

It tends to panic them, and they will go in full nutcase mode.

Also, hide your book/info on this, password the PC and phone.

Your father, don't rely on him ... he's a welcome mat.

[sadgal88]

@radu

 

Thank you hun for the very descriptive advise, I will def get those book for sure. So far like most of you have said I am just detaching from her. My father think's he is slick although he doesnt say anything to is directly he lets her do all the talking so that we can be mad at my mother all the time and not him. However on the down low he agrees with everything she does to us.

Edited April 26, 2013 by sadgal88

[Nyla]

My mother treated me in a similar manner when I was younger too. I was a very good child and young adult, but that did not stop my mother from constantly putting me down and calling me horrible names, along with being physically abusive and trying to ruin whatever relationship I was in.

 

The winter I was 21, I finally had enough. I left home with nothing but the clothes on my back and my mother, like all abusers, completely changed her tune once she realized I was serious about leaving. She did not want to be viewed as a bad mother and she felt guilty. My mother thought I was the worst of the worst, until she saw that other young women in her circle were making far worse choices than I ever made.

 

For example, my mother made rude comments about my husband and I eloping, even to go so far as to say that my marriage will not last because our parents were not present. Two of my cousins had huge weddings and they were divorced within the first year. I eloped and my husband and I will reach our third anniversary this October. Three years is not a long time to be married, but at least my husband and I didn't split up in the first year. I love proving people wrong.

 

I notice that so many mothers think that they have the right to treat their children however they choose, simply because they are the parents. I suppose it is something I can't understand because I don't have children. While parents do have authority over children, they do not have licence to treat their kids like dogs. Perhaps you come from a culture where parents are always right and this is why your mom treats you the way she does.

 

Your mother will not realize how wrong she was until it is too late. Leave home and have minimal contact with your mother.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Nyla

[TouchedByViolet]

I left home at 21 and feel like I waited too long. I'm 25 now and feel much happier being out of the house but wish I would have moved out sooner. My mother never changed, even after moving out. I have minimal contact with her.

[turnera]

The week I graduated high school, my mom sold our house and moved away. She said I could move with her, to the middle of nowhere in the hills, or stay and get an apartment and a full-time job. I stayed. Living on minimum wage, paying a car note, spending $35/month on groceries...it was dicey sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I grew up a LOT in those first years. And it was really exciting.

[sadgal88]

I do feel like I should have left years ago and have wasted my adulthood in this house. But now I am determined but I want to do things right so I am saving because I want to go and never want to have to come back due to being broke which if godforbid ever happened I would take my behind to a shelter before I ever go back to my parents house!

[Nyla]

The week I graduated high school, my mom sold our house and moved away. She said I could move with her, to the middle of nowhere in the hills, or stay and get an apartment and a full-time job. I stayed. Living on minimum wage, paying a car note, spending $35/month on groceries...it was dicey sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I grew up a LOT in those first years. And it was really exciting.

 

Right? Sometimes I like to go to the parts of my city I lived in when I was younger and very poor. I like to remember the kid I was then. Living on practically nothing fosters independence and survival skills.