Pressure from mother to have grandchildren

[Emilia]

I've just had an argument with my mother because she doesn't let up about her desire for grandchildren from my sister and I. It's constant. It's always in the background or in the foreground. My sister and I don't want children - though I've been only speaking for myself in our correspondence.

 

I ask her every time time she mentions this to let it go and to accept that I will not have children. I have also asked her to understand that she is putting a lot of burden on my shoulders because she believes that grandchildren would make all the difference to her life. I think it's fundamentally unfair to expect others to provide happiness in your life, partly because it's impossible and partly because in cases like this, it would require a person to go completely against what they think or feel would work in their lives.

 

I've just told her that I have drawn the line and if she keeps putting the pressure on, I will stop visiting. She got upset of course but I think I got through finally. It is an ultimatum in some ways I suppose since I am prepared to stick to it - I have run out of other ways to trying to draw boundaries since whatever I ask is not normally respected.

 

Anyone else in a similar situation? How did you handle it? Did it get better?

[CC12]

Anyone else in a similar situation?

 

Not yet, but I think you did the right thing by telling her you wouldn't visit with her anymore if she keeps pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. You're putting your foot down and creating boundaries for yourself, which is your right. You've tried to get her to stop in other ways and it didn't work so here you are. She can take it or leave it.

[pcplod]

Your tediously persistent mum hasn't come to terms with the notion that she started slowly relinquishing control of you the moment you were born.

 

She thinks she knows better and that you will come to regret it. And she MAY well know better and YOU MAY come to regret it, but it would have to be your regret, not hers. And to regard you like some battery hen there to produce grandchildren as and when in order to satisfy her whimsy is pretty inept. As for persisting on the subject, well...

 

She needs to accept that grandchildren, or children for that matter, are just like puppies; they are not just for Christmas. She needs to get to grips with her impulsive yearning. Being a grandparent can also bring unwelcome expectations and obligations as well, that are not always upheld. What would she do if you were to have children but then upped sticks and moved to the other side of the planet? And what if during the probable 18-odd years you would have primary responsibility for them that she did the inconsiderate thing by popping her clogs prematurely, thus no longer upholding any promise to play her practical part? She just has to LEARN to let go. Whatever lessons parents give their kids the last lesson for any parent to learn is that at the end they are a parent in name only and only get to intercede thereafter on an exceptional, invitation-only basis. Otherwise they have ultimately failed.

 

Take a few figurative breaths, smile determinedly and assert yourself amicably.

[Emilia]

Not yet, but I think you did the right thing by telling her you wouldn't visit with her anymore if she keeps pressuring you to do something you don't want to do. You're putting your foot down and creating boundaries for yourself, which is your right. You've tried to get her to stop in other ways and it didn't work so here you are. She can take it or leave it.

 

Thank you.

 

I was discussing this with someone else earlier and she said that by making the decision of not having children meant that I had to accept the consequences in terms of my mother's unhappiness. ie that it was my mother's right to nag me as she was unhappy and I caused that unhappiness.

 

My response to it was that if you love someone - and this is what I believe in 100% - you want them to do what they think is right for them rather than what is right for you. If you are lucky, the two things coincide, if you are unlucky, the two things will differ a lot.

[Emilia]

She needs to accept that grandchildren, or children for that matter, are just like puppies; they are not just for Christmas. She needs to get to grips with her impulsive yearning. Being a grandparent can also bring unwelcome expectations and obligations as well, that are not always upheld. What would she do if you were to have children but then upped sticks and moved to the other side of the planet? And what if during the probable 18-odd years you would have primary responsibility for them that she did the inconsiderate thing by popping her clogs prematurely, thus no longer upholding any promise to play her practical part? She just has to LEARN to let go. Whatever lessons parents give their kids the last lesson for any parent to learn is that at the end they are a parent in name only and only get to intercede thereafter on an exceptional, invitation-only basis. Otherwise they have ultimately failed.

 

Take a few figurative breaths, smile determinedly and assert yourself amicably.

 

Thank you

 

You are absolutely right. I already live in another country and it's part of the 'problem' in a way as I have fought very hard to find the balance between seeing her frequently enough to please her but not too frequently to allow me keep control at arm's length. I suspect the grandchildren idea is to get around this hurdle for her partly and to have a family closer.

 

Both my sister and I live in the UK while she lives in mainland Europe. I know she would prefer to have us over every weekend and I would never stop her from seeing her grandchildren frequently of course but ultimately she needs to accept that her dream of having some kind of a 'happily ever after' family is pure fantasy. Children and grandchildren are not only for Christmas indeed.

[amaysngrace]

I'd be so sad if my children didn't want children but my daughter already made it clear she's never having children.

 

For some reason it seems that grandmoms are closer to their daughter's children than their son's children.

 

 

But then again you never miss what you never had.

[Emilia]

I'd be so sad if my children didn't want children but my daughter already made it clear she's never having children.

 

For some reason it seems that grandmoms are closer to their daughter's children than their son's children.

 

 

But then again you never miss what you never had.

 

Probably. I can understand that she thinks I'm missing out, point taken completely.

 

I'm sad about lots of life choices people make. I'm sad that an ex of mine joined the armed forces, is currently fighting in Afghanistan and might get killed or very likely to be emotionally scarred to say the least. I'm sad that my ex husband had several mini strokes though after his heart op he seems to be ok, he still has trouble getting his life together again though.

 

Sad things happen. Watching other people make decisions is hard. Life goes on.

[amaysngrace]

Probably. I can understand that she thinks I'm missing out, point taken completely.

 

Parents like having grandchildren because that's a reward for them for raising children. They don't have to raise them, just only love them. It adds joy to their lives.

 

Just as you feel when you're questioned on not having children, your mom probably goes through the very same thing with her peers.

 

I don't think this is as much about you as it is about her in her eyes.

[Emilia]

Parents like having grandchildren because that's a reward for them for raising children. They don't have to raise them, just only love them. It adds joy to their lives.

 

Just as you feel when you're questioned on not having children, your mom probably goes through the very same thing with her peers.

 

I don't think this is as much about you as it is about her in her eyes.

 

Yes I agree with you, it's kind of part of my issue in the sense that the cost to her is irrelevant because she wants the reward.

 

I completely get that it's a different relationship and that it's great to have someone raising some - hopefully - loving kids who can then just hang around your house from time to time and go home when they get tiresome.

 

The other thing is though that it's a cost to me. To be completely fair for several reasons I'm not in the position to have children, have never really had the routine and settled life to have them (I'd never have them in situations that are unfair on them, not knowingly anyway).

 

I don't think she gets questioned that much though because she doesn't like children that much in general and doesn't have many friends with children/grandchildren.

 

On a slightly more personal note, she wasn't a particularly loving mother, I don't know whether she would be diagnosed with NPD but certainly has some of the traits strongly (as my long suffering stepfather could attest) including lack of empathy and I'm not convinced how reliable a grandmother she would make once the novelty wore off.

[amaysngrace]

She could be toxic to them if you had them.

 

I totally understand your concern there.

 

My daughter is only fourteen but if she doesn't want children I need to respect that. It's her life, her finances, her body, her sacrifice.

 

I'm all about choice.

[Emilia]

She could be toxic to them if you had them.

 

I totally understand your concern there.

 

My daughter is only fourteen but if she doesn't want children I need to respect that. It's her life, her finances, her body, her sacrifice.

 

I'm all about choice.

 

I read a poster's posts on this forum here about how she has to control access of her children to their grandparents (the poster's parents) and that made me sad because it's not like I would be able to leave my kids with my mum for days on end. I would not want them to experience the coldness that comes when my mother feels a boundary has been crossed. There is a difference between withdrawing affection and sticking up for yourself and I've spent a large part of my adulthood learning about that.

 

Anyway, that's not the reason not to have kids but certainly makes it easier to deal with the guilt

 

Choice is good That means your kids will always feel they can tell you anything without worrying about your disapproval or feeling the constant need to explain themselves

[pink_sugar]

I can understand the position you both are in. It sounds like it's hard for your mom too, if both her daughters don't want kids. It's natural for her to want to be a grandmother...but it is your life and your body. She will need to learn to accept that. My mom used to always tell me to wait until 40 for kids in an attempt to get me to not have kids young like she did. Recently, I'm 23 now and my brother is 27, she said she's dying for grand kids. I plan to wait until I am close to 30 and I know she wants me to have kids sooner, but she respects I want to wait until I am ready.

[Emilia]

I can understand the position you both are in. It sounds like it's hard for your mom too, if both her daughters don't want kids. It's natural for her to want to be a grandmother...

 

See, this is the bit I don't get. She didn't particularly like being a mother - though amaysngrace explained that it's a different feeling - and it's not like she would have the energy or patience to run around after little kids. She isn't old but she was taking quite heavy treatment for over 2 years that pretty much ruined her body, certainly destroyed her stamina and strength. She has aged terribly in the last few years. I don't even know how she would cope with 3 or 4 kids if both my sister and I had children.

 

I suppose this kind of feeling isn't rational.

 

Are there any mothers here who wouldn't want grandchildren or who are easy either way? Is there anyone here whose parents have no interest in their grandchildren? I'm just trying to work out whether every single parent wants grandchildren too - out of interest.

[pink_sugar]

See, this is the bit I don't get. She didn't particularly like being a mother - though amaysngrace explained that it's a different feeling - and it's not like she would have the energy or patience to run around after little kids. She isn't old but she was taking quite heavy treatment for over 2 years that pretty much ruined her body, certainly destroyed her stamina and strength. She has aged terribly in the last few years. I don't even know how she would cope with 3 or 4 kids if both my sister and I had children.

 

I suppose this kind of feeling isn't rational.

 

Are there any mothers here who wouldn't want grandchildren or who are easy either way? Is there anyone here whose parents have no interest in their grandchildren? I'm just trying to work out whether every single parent wants grandchildren too - out of interest.

 

Good question. Actually my mom had limited influence in our lives also...she had us very young and really didn't get to experience bonding with us. She's changed a lot as we grew up and it's really too late for her to have more kids, so I'm thinking she wants to experience it in having grandkids, now that she's more mature and ready for kids.

 

My dad seems impartial and my husband's mom (who never really wanted kids) seems to be somewhere between impartial and not really showing an interest in having grandkids. My husband is close to 30 and she's close to 50. *shrugs*

[Nyla]

Your tediously persistent mum hasn't come to terms with the notion that she started slowly relinquishing control of you the moment you were born.

 

She thinks she knows better and that you will come to regret it. And she MAY well know better and YOU MAY come to regret it, but it would have to be your regret, not hers. And to regard you like some battery hen there to produce grandchildren as and when in order to satisfy her whimsy is pretty inept. As for persisting on the subject, well...

 

She needs to accept that grandchildren, or children for that matter, are just like puppies; they are not just for Christmas. She needs to get to grips with her impulsive yearning. Being a grandparent can also bring unwelcome expectations and obligations as well, that are not always upheld. What would she do if you were to have children but then upped sticks and moved to the other side of the planet? And what if during the probable 18-odd years you would have primary responsibility for them that she did the inconsiderate thing by popping her clogs prematurely, thus no longer upholding any promise to play her practical part? She just has to LEARN to let go. Whatever lessons parents give their kids the last lesson for any parent to learn is that at the end they are a parent in name only and only get to intercede thereafter on an exceptional, invitation-only basis. Otherwise they have ultimately failed.

 

Take a few figurative breaths, smile determinedly and assert yourself amicably.

 

I agree with this. I also think that most, if not all, parents want grandchildren and they can be very insistent about it. Mothers especially want to see their daughters have kids. I know it is hard, but try to understand that what your mother is doing is very common albeit annoying.

 

My mother would not stop pressuring me to have kids until I did two things: First, I told her about my husband's vasectomy so that she would be aware that grandchildren are not coming from me. I also told my dad who intercedes on my behalf when my mother does not listen to me. She does not bother me anymore. It got to the point where my mother was saying nasty things about my husband "forcing me" not to have kids. Idiot didn't realize that I married a childfree man for a reason. If I wanted kids, it would have been stupid of me to marry a man who did not feel the same way.

[Sugarkane]

For some strange reason my parents never want me to leave home, let alone have children. My mum had children much later than her family, in her 30s. It annoys me greatly that when I ask her just about why she did this [her sister was a teen mum, everyone else married and had kids young] she always gets angry at me. I find this odd.

My cousin the same age as me [25] just had his second child. My parents always told me it was a huge mistake to have kids young. It makes me angry that they won't say why. All I wanted was an explaination! I think they just don't want me to grow up. If you're going to tell someone not to do something, at least have a reason why!

 

Even my boyfriends parents are the opposite. They were baby sitting a family friends young daughter. I think they were getting pretty clucky. Then his mum started asking if there was young children in my family etc. etc. I haven't been in that situation before.

 

I agree that maybe you could distance yourself.

[Emilia]

I agree with this. I also think that most, if not all, parents want grandchildren and they can be very insistent about it. Mothers especially want to see their daughters have kids. I know it is hard, but try to understand that what your mother is doing is very common albeit annoying.

 

My mother would not stop pressuring me to have kids until I did two things: First, I told her about my husband's vasectomy so that she would be aware that grandchildren are not coming from me. I also told my dad who intercedes on my behalf when my mother does not listen to me. She does not bother me anymore. It got to the point where my mother was saying nasty things about my husband "forcing me" not to have kids. Idiot didn't realize that I married a childfree man for a reason. If I wanted kids, it would have been stupid of me to marry a man who did not feel the same way.

 

It's like they forget that you are capable of sound reasoning yourself. That's what's annoying. Very good call on the vasectomy thing, unfortunately I'm not in the position to come up with a response like that

 

Everyone tells me that it's common to get this sort of pressure but perhaps if more daughters stuck up for themselves, it wouldn't be as common - or not as enduring anyway. Of course my generation is different from my mum's as fewer women of my age have children so I suppose the nagging might start decreasing from now on.

 

The irony is that I'm too old to have kids at 40! I know the whole thread has made me sound like if I were 20 but I'm 40! Which kind of makes the pressure even more stupid and pointless but hey ho.

[Emilia]

For some strange reason my parents never want me to leave home, let alone have children. My mum had children much later than her family, in her 30s. It annoys me greatly that when I ask her just about why she did this [her sister was a teen mum, everyone else married and had kids young] she always gets angry at me. I find this odd.

My cousin the same age as me [25] just had his second child. My parents always told me it was a huge mistake to have kids young. It makes me angry that they won't say why. All I wanted was an explaination! I think they just don't want me to grow up. If you're going to tell someone not to do something, at least have a reason why!

 

Even my boyfriends parents are the opposite. They were baby sitting a family friends young daughter. I think they were getting pretty clucky. Then his mum started asking if there was young children in my family etc. etc. I haven't been in that situation before.

 

I agree that maybe you could distance yourself.

 

Thanks sugarkane.

 

Shame your mum can't talk about it, perhaps it was hard for her to conceive or she received a lot of pressure from her own family.

 

My mum had us young and it would have been better if she had been older because perhaps she would have been more emotionally mature - although she isn't really now at the age of 60....

 

Everyone is different but late 20s seems like a good age. Mature enough but not too old to feel the sleepless nights as much as those in their late 30s do perhaps.

[amaysngrace]

It really bothers me when parents expect their children to live the life they've chosen for them rather than let the children live their own lives.

 

I understand that some children need extra guidance but once the child exercises good judgment what is the point of it? It's controlling and I would imagine it to be completely awful.

[AlexDP]

It's like they forget that you are capable of sound reasoning yourself. That's what's annoying. Very good call on the vasectomy thing, unfortunately I'm not in the position to come up with a response like that

 

Everyone tells me that it's common to get this sort of pressure but perhaps if more daughters stuck up for themselves, it wouldn't be as common - or not as enduring anyway. Of course my generation is different from my mum's as fewer women of my age have children so I suppose the nagging might start decreasing from now on.

 

The irony is that I'm too old to have kids at 40! I know the whole thread has made me sound like if I were 20 but I'm 40! Which kind of makes the pressure even more stupid and pointless but hey ho.

 

 

Which could make it a now or never thing for your mother. At 40 you're already quite old to have children and she realises that if it doesn't happen soon, it will never happen.

[Emilia]

Which could make it a now or never thing for your mother. At 40 you're already quite old to have children and she realises that if it doesn't happen soon, it will never happen.

 

40 is too old not just quite old. I suspect until women keep having IVF kids in their 50s I'll still keep hearing about it

[AlexDP]

40 is too old not just quite old. I suspect until women keep having IVF kids in their 50s I'll still keep hearing about it

 

It's not necessarily too old. Much depends on the person and her body. But it can be too old yes.

[Emilia]

It's not necessarily too old. Much depends on the person and her body. But it can be too old yes.

 

Don't you start

 

I know some women who have always wanted kids can sometimes find themselves older when they finally conceive. It can't be easy. I tend to think that younger kids are a younger couple's game but of course it's always down to choice. Christ I struggle with a hangover, let alone with regular 3-hourly feeds for months on end.

[pink_sugar]

For some strange reason my parents never want me to leave home, let alone have children. My mum had children much later than her family, in her 30s. It annoys me greatly that when I ask her just about why she did this [her sister was a teen mum, everyone else married and had kids young] she always gets angry at me. I find this odd.

My cousin the same age as me [25] just had his second child. My parents always told me it was a huge mistake to have kids young. It makes me angry that they won't say why. All I wanted was an explaination! I think they just don't want me to grow up. If you're going to tell someone not to do something, at least have a reason why!

 

Even my boyfriends parents are the opposite. They were baby sitting a family friends young daughter. I think they were getting pretty clucky. Then his mum started asking if there was young children in my family etc. etc. I haven't been in that situation before.

 

I agree that maybe you could distance yourself.

 

A second child at 25 does seem a bit young. I'm 23 and can't even imagine having one child for another several years. It's not a good idea to have kids young, because your brain isn't fully mature until at least your mid twenties and with the economy the way it is, many people aren't financially ready until later as well. I think by the time one gets their education and is able to afford a home and to provide for a child is close to 30. There's no need to rush into having kids that young, you still have your whole life ahead of you.

[firemanq]

Tell her you went to the internet and found what causes children, and you are NEVER going let anyone do that to you! Yecch! And you are completly disgusted she ever engaged in those activities.