Family get togethers that don't include your spouse

[setsenia]

I am in need of some advice. My dad has been trying to get me and my brother to go out to movies with him occasionally and he claims he cannot afford to pay for our spouses. He has several renters paying his whole mortgage, has a paid off car, little credit card debt etc. He also sells real estate and makes at least 80k a year before taxes. He's always going on these ski trips several times during each winter, which are not cheap. Bottom line, we know money isn't a huge concern for him. He also pays for children's movie tickets and gets discount tickets from Costco. Yet he claims he cannot afford to pay for my brother's fiance and my husband to go to the movies with us. I honestly don't feel like going if my dad cannot invite everyone. He's made it clear he doesn't really approve of the people we are in a relationship with, so he just tries to be "tolerant". I don't know how to tell my dad how I feel about this. Is it acceptable he only just pays for us and not our spouses?

[donnamaybe]

I think it is okay that he not pay for your partners. Hell, it's nice that he's paying for anyone besides himself. Why can't the significant others pay for their own ticket and popcorn?

 

At least it's cheaper than the two of you having to pay for two tickets and popcorn for both of you, right? Maybe he just wants time with his children.

[stillafool]

Why don't you guys pay for your own spouses?

[carhill]

I'd separate the two issues:

 

1. Is dad cheap and/or controlling?

 

2. Can the spouses afford their own tickets?

 

My answers, based on my read of the OP.

 

1. Yes he is and he's using money to attempt to control his children's relationships, which apparently on some level he doesn't 'approve' of.

 

2. I'll bet they can, so go with that.

[quankanne]

if he's being mean and controlling, let him see it as thus. Meanwhile, turn the situation to your advantage by making it about spending time with just dad and your brother ... I have a feeling that'd cut him off at the knees if you took the high road and didn't make an issue about his need to control!

[setsenia]

Well it wouldn't be as big of a deal if he said that, but he doesn't. I always have to clarify "who's invited" to the movie, because he never stipulates "kids only" or whatever. Why does he skirt the issue? My dad knows my brother and I don't have much money and he does. Whenever my birthday comes around, he doesn't even let me choose a place to eat. He picks the cheapest possible buffet restaurant, so why even bother? I also neglected to mention that my dad is very negative, talking trash about our mom and other things, so I honestly don't care to be alone with him or see him too often.

[setsenia]

I'd separate the two issues:

 

1. Is dad cheap and/or controlling?

 

2. Can the spouses afford their own tickets?

 

My answers, based on my read of the OP.

 

1. Yes he is and he's using money to attempt to control his children's relationships, which apparently on some level he doesn't 'approve' of.

 

2. I'll bet they can, so go with that.

 

Well, my husband is currently unemployed so paying for his ticket would come out of my wallet and we can't even really afford to got to movies often by ourselves. My brother is unemployed, but his fiance works at a drugstore part time, so it's not a big deal for her to pay for her own ticket.

[donnamaybe]

If it's that much of a bummer to be around him, then just don't attend. Get a DVD and make your own popcorn and have movie night at home if he wants to be that way.

[norajane]

Stop counting other people's money. That road only brings unhappiness. Your dad doesn't OWE you a movie ticket for you and your spouse.

 

Maybe he just wants time with his kids? Yeah, so he's got issues and isn't a joy to be around, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want time with his kids. Why would he invite you otherwise?

[carhill]

Well, my husband is currently unemployed so paying for his ticket would come out of my wallet and we can't even really afford to got to movies often by ourselves. My brother is unemployed, but his fiance works at a drugstore part time, so it's not a big deal for her to pay for her own ticket.

In that case, I'd suggest politely declining his invitation and follow donnamaybe's suggestion.

 

As a point of reference, what is your general age range and do you/brother have children?

[setsenia]

I am 22 and my brother is 26. No kids.

 

@norajane. My dad made me get a job at 16 so he didn't have to support me financially. He even made me pay for my own medical and food expenses. He even tried to charge me rent as a minor. He also tried to get me to pay some large sum for a doctor's visit that I had as a minor when I turned 18. In short, he made 100k a year and barely spent a dime on my brother and I as kids and spent it mostly on himself, trying to put the blame on my mom. I was out the door at 18, worked and struggled my way through college, living on my own even though he had the means to help me. So he definitely owes me more than a movie ticket. Maybe not my spouse, but he owes me a lot. LOL!

Edited February 16, 2012 by setsenia

[carhill]

Personally, I'd leave dad to enjoy his renters. Maybe he can take them to the movies.

 

In my neck of the woods, a minor facing those kinds of obstacles with a parent would be termed 'abuse'. Obviously, customs vary and we're getting one side but, really, twenty bucks for movie tickets for a couple spouses is nothing for a man in dad's position.

 

I say invite brother and spouse over, have a BBQ and some beers and watch a movie and have some good laughs together. That's living

[setsenia]

My thoughts exactly. My dad has always thought of himself and used my mom as an excuse because she was never in a position to financially support us like he was. My dad sent my husband on dry run to the store to grab him something he wanted on Thanksgiving and didn't believe it was proper to compensate him for the needed item. My husband also done he and his exW plenty of favors. He can pay $10 for his movie ticket. Make that even less, because he tries to get away with buying all of us child tickets and hoping he isn't caught.

[beenburned]

How old is your dad?

 

I have seen this kind of behavior in people that grew up during the great depression, where being very frugal was a daily way to survive.

 

I have also seen people that came from poverty ridden families become obsessed with money and material things once grown, since they never had them growing up. Even to the point of only marrying someone that was financially stable.

 

Maybe he just wants to spend time with his children!(without other people)

[denise_xo]

In that case, I'd suggest politely declining his invitation and follow donnamaybe's suggestion.

 

This. It doesn't matter if he can pay or not, IMO. Just set your own boundaries for what you're willing to engage with.

[shayla]

I would say thanks but no thanks. No hard feelings butno way would I put myself in a position to be manipulated by anyone, even my father.

[andwilson90]

I am in need of some advice. My dad has been trying to get me and my brother to go out to movies with him occasionally and he claims he cannot afford to pay for our spouses. He has several renters paying his whole mortgage, has a paid off car, little credit card debt etc. He also sells real estate and makes at least 80k a year before taxes. He's always going on these ski trips several times during each winter, which are not cheap. Bottom line, we know money isn't a huge concern for him. He also pays for children's movie tickets and gets discount tickets from Costco. Yet he claims he cannot afford to pay for my brother's fiance and my husband to go to the movies with us. I honestly don't feel like going if my dad cannot invite everyone. He's made it clear he doesn't really approve of the people we are in a relationship with, so he just tries to be "tolerant". I don't know how to tell my dad how I feel about this. Is it acceptable he only just pays for us and not our spouses?

 

You should save some bucks for your and your spouse and if another time your father ask you to go for a movie, then you can buy tickets with those bucks.

And you don't have to argue with your father about money.

[setsenia]

sad your father feels he has to pay for a movie to see you.

 

Maybe you should invite him over to spend time with you and your husband. Be a grown up and entertain your dad instead of saying your dad owes you.

 

Pretty sad that people these days are quick to judge without knowing the entire situation. Next time, read all my posts before passing judgement.

 

Since you obviously didn't bother to read the entire case, it is presented a second time:

 

"My dad made me get a job at 16 so he didn't have to support me financially. He even made me pay for my own medical and food expenses as a minor. He even tried to charge me rent as a minor. He also tried to get me to pay some large sum for a doctor's visit that I had as a minor when I turned 18. In short, he made 100k a year and barely spent a dime on my brother and I as kids and spent it mostly on himself, trying to put the blame on my mom. I was out the door at 18, worked and struggled my way through college, living on my own even though he had the means to help me. So he definitely owes me more than a movie ticket. Maybe not my spouse, but he owes me a lot."

 

Honestly, if he could have had me support myself at 10, he would have.

 

At Christmas, my dad decided he wanted something and told my husband to run out to the store and get it for him using our car and didn't even compensate him for the item he wanted. I asked my dad if he compensated him for the item he wanted and his excuse was that "I shouldn't ask for money on a holiday". If YOU want something, you at least have the common courtesy to compensate the person ESPECIALLY if you know that person is in no situation to be financially generous. So you're saying he can run everyone else around and not do a single favor in return? I disagree.

Edited February 24, 2012 by setsenia

[denise_xo]

I agree that there is no reason to expect him to pay for anything. What would bother me much more if I were the OP, is that the father doesn't like her partner and just 'tolerates' him when he's around. Against that context, I wouldn't want to be part of settings where my father would claim that he cannot afford to pay for my spouse if he obviously could. That's not because I think he is obliged in any way to pay for me or my spouse, but I would be resentful of a person who tried to play silly money games to separate me from my partner. It's very immature, if that is in fact what is happening here.

[denise_xo]

well her partner is on at least his second marriage at such a young age and is unemployed. Maybe the dad is on to something here.

 

I don't know that part of the story, but then perhaps her father should discuss it with her directly?

 

ETA: I started working when I was 13 and have always placed minimal expectations on my parents. I was happy to work as my mother was a single parent on a small income. I general, however, I would say that when you make the choice to have children, the point of departure should be that you are prepared to pay for their medical expenses as minors. I think it's great that children are encouraged to work early, but I also think it's primarily the parents' responsibility to provide a roof above everyone's heads and pay for medical bills (not, however, cinema tickets for 22 year olds).

Edited February 24, 2012 by denise_xo

[setsenia]

well her partner is on at least his second marriage at such a young age and is unemployed. Maybe the dad is on to something here.

 

Whoever said he was on a second marriage? Where are you getting all this obviously incorrect info? Wow...

[setsenia]

I don't know that part of the story, but then perhaps her father should discuss it with her directly?

 

In general, however, I would say that when you make the choice to have children, the point of departure should be that you are prepared to pay for their medical expenses as minors. I think it's great that children are encouraged to work early, but I also think it's primarily the parents' responsibility to provide a roof above everyone's heads and pay for medical bills (not, however, cinema tickets for 22 year olds).

 

I definitely agree. It's not that I didn't want to work at 16, I enjoyed having my own money, but if people do not want to provide for their children until the legal required age, then they shouldn't have children. Having children is a personal choice and it's very simple and easy to get access to birth control and if income is an issue, there's always low cost or even free options at clinics such as PP. My dad has made it clear to my brother and I that he never desired children and we told him he made that choice to become a parent and needs to take responsibility for his choice.

Edited February 24, 2012 by setsenia

[dreamingoftigers]

KS, it is a measure of financial control and shame, get real if you can't see it.

 

My father pulled the same garbage and I had to work as a minor, he helped himself to so much that I worked for that I was working full-time, almost dropped out if school and had nothing to show for it.

 

Meanwhile his mortgage was almost paid off and he had a successful business that made him a millionaire.

 

When I turned 18 and got my first credit cards, he took one and maxed it in A DAY. I was in $12000.00 debt before I left home and none of it was mine. He had bought an electric water heater on a Sears card of mind and had it installed because he was too cheap to pay the gas company and they cut off heat and hot water to the house. He decided they could heat the place with the oven and use the electric water heater until my mother got sick of it.

 

When he wanted to make improvements with the house, he asked ME to apply for a Home Depot card FOR HIM TO USE. He put me under a ton of pressure and then I talked to Mom about it, she stopped the idea. He still occasionally tries to guilt and shame me about it.

 

Now my father does not technically owe me anything because after I had my daughter, he pressured my husband to quit his job to spend it at home with me. He told us that he would give x amount per month. It turned into a very different animal. It became that if we wanted to make ANY kind of purchase (including baby formula) we had to call. It was literally on his time etc. It went on for two months and we started our own little cleaning service. He was very agitated about us starting a home-cleaning service and repeatedly told us to shut it down.

 

We were also invited to move across the country at the same time for jobs that would have netted us both 100000 per year. We moved, he refused to pay the movers the proper amount, so they kept a bunch of our stuff and then he yanked the jobs, stating that his workload was less and that "we werent stable enough and should focus on our baby."

 

When the cleaning service started, we transitioned as quickly as we could off of any support/control from him and it really pissed him off. All of a sudden there were jobs for us. Not as high-paying by any means. We did take them to fill in hours until our business got bigger. My father did so much to try to block us from running our business. He was terrified that we would try going for commercial contracts at the grocery chain he contracts for. My husband was under a huge amount of pressure.

 

Finally the business went full-time and my husband was able to find other employment. I find most people that tell you how something "isn't going to work" are just insecure about their own failures.

 

That includes marriage.

 

My father has put his fingers into my finances as often as he possibly can. I refuse even gifts from him anymore. It all comes at too high a cost.

 

One of the last times was in October. I was in and out of town a lot, and I didn't have a cell phone. I would use payphones at $1 for every 15 mins long distance.

 

My father insisted I get a cellphone. I declined. He kept going on it until he said he would give me one and pay for it all and not to worry he could cover it and that it was in his name etc. So I accepted.

 

He didn't put a plan on it, much less a long-distance plan. After three months he tells me that I owe him $1100.00. I am not paying it. He gave it to me, set up the plan and said it was covered. If something was wrong he could have told me in the first month! We could've worked something out. I most likely would have returned the phone. It was mostly him calling and bitching at me anyways. I actually asked him to disconnect it (and I returned the phone) because he would call me up just to be miserable to me when he needed a dumping ground.

 

Then of course, if you don't do the family obligations, they guilt and Shame you for it, ridiculous!

 

My parents have not invited me to the last 4 family birthday parties but still wailed when I didn't get my father a gift at his.

 

My sister's birthday was this week. I gave a gift for her and went to see her on her birthday, it turned out that they had her party the night before, like WTF?

[dreamingoftigers]

BTW, my father has made sure to exclude my husband from family get-togethers since we got married. One year we were told to come to Thanksgiving, we showed up, my mother let me in the house and said that Dad did not want H in the house, so we could run him out a plate of leftovers when we were done!

 

Um, no!

 

My roommate's mother once tried to get everyone to foot the bill for dinner after they finished LOL. Her husband told her mother that it wasn't good enough to pay for! (I'd be so shocked at both of their statements!)

[setsenia]

when this young lady was 17 years old she was doing overnights with her now husband at her moms house. He was 23. Sorry if I was her dad I would not pay for this 28 year olds movie ticket either.

 

I don't think this is relevant to the issue at hand. I can see how you understand my dad, he's stuck on the past as well. Those overnights were 100% supervised and there was no sexual activity btw, so I don't see the issue or what that has to do with the matter at hand.