moimeme Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair? If so, did they stay married? If they did, how did you feel? If they divorced, how did you feel? Did they divorce for any other reason? How did you feel? Did they stay married but unhappy? How did you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair? both did If so, did they stay married? no they split after 27 years and i was 30. If they did, how did you feel? does not apply If they divorced, how did you feel? i felt they gave eachother the best years of thier lives and it was time to move on. Did they divorce for any other reason? no How did you feel? sometimes i wish they would have divorced when i was a kid.... it would have saved alot of HURT and abuse would have stopped. Did they stay married but unhappy? no How did you feel? does not apply Now what? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 I answered this on the other post. I should have waited...... Anyway, my Dad was a hottie. He always had some long legged blonde girlfriend in the wings. My Mom was always the 'doormat'. Home is only where he came to ocassionally park his car and dump his laundry. They bickered and fought constantly. He was into politics and gone a great deal. I thought my Mom was an idiot. I thought the 'girlfriends' got all the good stuff (fun, trips, gifts)....while Mom got nothing. He never attended school functions or such. He was aloof. I always wished I was one of his 'girlfriends' who he spoke sweetly to on the phone and went out of his way for. My outlook would have been healthier had they gotten a divorce early on. My mother begged him to stay. He did....but I always felt like a part of some 'rent-a-family'. I've been more angry with him....yet loved him more....than anyone in my entire life. I grew up to be exactly the type of woman.....he would have fell for. hmmmmmmmmmmmm......... Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Did either of your parents have an affair? = No If so, did they stay married? = N/A If they did, how did you feel? = N/A If they divorced, how did you feel? = N/A Did they divorce for any other reason? = N/A How did you feel? = N/A Did they stay married but unhappy? = Yes (not an affair, but not happy with each other - no love between them) How did you feel? = sorry for them. I think I was a more serious child and didn't have as much fun because I didn't know how and didn't have any role models for fun. Link to post Share on other sites
xalysabethh Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 id either of your parents have an affair? yes If so, did they stay married? NO If they did, how did you feel? If they divorced, how did you feel? I feelthe situation was better with them divorcing less fighting. Did they divorce for any other reason? my dad wanted to leave for the OW. How did you feel? I was sad < i was only 6. Did they stay married but unhappy? How did you feel? __________________ Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 arabess said yet loved him more....than anyone in my entire life. arabess this is how i feel about my dad.... i have more respect for him than i do my mother.... and its sad yet wierd.... ive seen both of them do the same damage to one another yet feel more for my dad than my mom..... to this day my mom compares everything about me with my dad.... shes is always saying "Dont take this badly but your just like your father....." I dont ever take it badly..... I feel somewhat proud/boastful when she tells me that. aint that wierd s***. my dad is my hero LOL... and i truly mean that. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Actually, I am everything my Mom wishes she was....and she is everything I wish I was. Then, there is my Dad who plays the 'Married Man' game.....not committed to either of us. HAHA! Lord, are we just DESTINED to relive our childhoods over and over????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 My folks are a great couple. Married, they fight a lot and they don't seem to be in love as I see it anymore, but they stick together. My mom was depressed and it weighed on my family, my dad supports her all the way. Might seem obvious, but I think it's great. No affairs there, so probably irrelevant, but consider it a hymn to my folks Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 Now what? It's just a straw poll to see what folks think about marriages and divorces with/without affairs. People stay together 'for the kids'. Many of us are children of divorce or else of couples who stayed together unhappily. I'm wondering what people think about it from a first-person perspective. We hear the studies and stats but I question many of them, especially the ones that suggest that staying married at all costs is best for kids. That wasn't my experience and I was wondering what other folks thought about their family situations. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair? Yes. My father. Many times. If so, did they stay married? Yes. My mother had two babies, no way of supporting herself, and no where to go. Did they stay married but unhappy? My mother disconnected emotionally. The betrayal devastated her and has affected their marriage to this very day. It is a sexless marriage…my mother put on weight due to her depression and illness, and my father hasn’t touched her in over 10 years. She no longer wants him to. As a matter of fact, she confided in me that she keeps the weight on to keep him away. My parents live together more as “roommates”…dad pays the bills and mom is housekeeper and cook. They don’t fight, but my mother’s resentment towards him is as obvious as my father’s superficial public displays of “The Good Father and Husband.” My father has always been about pride, ego and keeping up appearances. Selfish and self-absorbed. How did you feel? Still haven’t gotten over my feelings of resentment towards him. For what he put my mother through…and the residual affects on us, his children. I think it has more to do with ‘how I found out’ and the circumstances surrounding the ‘big family secret.’ As a child, I remember my father not being around much. He was always working late, taking off to catch a midnight movie, and on the weekends pursuing his “rock star” dreams playing in a band on the local nightclub circuit. Mom was always stuck at home taking care of us girls and seldom got out of the house. I remember my father spending hundreds of dollars on “band job” outfits…a brand new suit every weekend to empress his “groupies”…while my mother and us girls were left to rummage through the hand-me-down bags donated to us by kinder members of the family. I remember laying in bed and hearing them argue in the wee hours of the morning when he finally came home. I remember my mother sitting on the sofa crying during the day but I was too young to understand why. I remember her snapping at us girls and yelling for no apparent reason...The spankings for just carrying on too loud. (The stress was overwhelming for her). I was afraid of my mother when I was little, and learned that if mom was on the couch crying, that my sister and I should play quietly and not pester her. But I was always anxious for my father to come home…seeing him was a rare treat because he would play with us to make up for the time he was gone. Guilty conscious, I suppose. It wasn’t until I was going through my own divorce when I turned to my parents for a shoulder to cry on. I had learned only after my separation that my own husband was unfaithful --- That while I was in the hospital giving birth to our first child, he was keeping company with his so-called platonic female friend. All the suspicions I had about the two of them during the many years (but could not prove) were finally revealed. I was pissed that I had been lied to and strung along for over fifteen years and turned to my parents for comfort and guidance. I still remember that day, sitting at my parent’s kitchen table crying as my father chastised me. He was so angry that I had filed for divorce, in spite of my husband’s many indiscretions, and worried about how it might “look” to the rest of the family and his friends at work. He was embarrassed. Again, true to his nature, father was only worried about himself. I saw my mother’s face turning red, and for the first time ever, she stood up and began blasting him. “How DARE you!!” She started screaming at him. “What kind of SAINT do you think you are?!” That was it…she finally let go of all the secrets she had bottled up all those years to protect my father’s “reputation.” She told me everything. The affairs, the women, his mistreatment of her and his total neglect of his children. And for the first time, my father sat there and said absolutely nothing. And for the first time, I saw him cry. For the first time, mom made him cry. It’s hard to put into words how this has turned my world upside down. I still cry when I think of the hell my father put my mother through all those years. It’s like…if you can’t even have faith knowing your parents are good people, then how are you suppose to have faith or trust in anyone?? Funny, but secrets never stay buried forever. Nor did the love letters from my grandfather’s mistress that were found in his closet after he passed away. My grandmother’s response upon reading them: “I’m glad the b*stard is dead!” As for me…I could never do that to my family or the people I love. So many consequences, so much pain all around, so many innocent casualties. But I have decided to take these lessons and turn them around --- to vow to myself that I will not walk in my father’s shoes or carry on the family legacy of adultery. I don’t want my family, or my daughter to remember me like that when I’m gone. And I want to break that cycle of betrayal…for her…to show my daughter that there are still good people in the world who can be trusted. That honesty, integrity and (god forbid) “morals,” are still valuable virtues in this confusing world we live in. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 That was a great post Enigma!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dora Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair? NO. If they did, how did you feel? Probably would feel upset. Not sure. But I guess it would depend on with whom they had affair. If they divorced, how did you feel? If they were both happier and still took great care of me, I wound be happy for them, too. They have all the rights to seek for their personal happiness, and I would feel very guilty if they stayed just because of me. Did they stay married but unhappy? They have been married for 40 years and very happy with each other. How did you feel? Since my parents have a perfect marriage, they sure raised my HIGH expectations on marriage...I feel I would never find an ideal partner who could team up with me as my parents do with each other....Ha, I guess you can call it "side effect". as I've become such an idealist. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 My parents have spent 42 miserable years together. They are now both in there late 60's, in good health, financially comfortable, but do nothing but sit in the house and bicker at each other 24/7. My mother has never driven a car, so she can never go out without my father. They are both negative people and tough to be around. There only joy in life is the weekly visits from my daughter. My father videotapes "The Price is Right" while he watches "MASH" reruns on another channel. My father watches all the neighbors and know what day they all last mowed there lawn. Divorce would have been a good choice for my mother many years ago when he still drank. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Did either of your parents have an affair? My dad for sure once; my mom - don't know, likely. If so, did they stay married? Yes they did. If they did, how did you feel? I was little at the time, I was freaked out because of all the fighting, but it didn't last long. Did they stay married but unhappy? They're married and hmm pretty happy. How did you feel? My parents are a great match in some ways, and a dreadful one in others. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
HerenNow Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair?Nope If they divorced, how did you feel? Didn't divorce Did they stay married but unhappy? Yup How did you feel? Sad for them & my family> though I think marriage for them is the best. Divorce =death, shame, etc. This is a great question because I only recently started looking at my parent's marriage through a more "raw" lens. Once what was construed as true loyalty and devotion through life's difficulties can now be seen as completely tragic. I'm 99% sure my mom is BPD, and well my dad has fits of rage. These little "conclusions" i have are unheard of in my culture. People aren't ever mentally ill-people just have to go through "sacrifices" & "hard times". My parents argue morning noon & night. When I was younger my mother alluded to loving someone else before my father, but that my father was a very good man. I feel like shaking the both of them and telling them life doesn't have to be this tragic. I wish there were more culturally sensitive mental health practitioners out there that had fluency in other languages, because it would help them tremendously. Though I know that 90% of the battle is getting to entertain the possibility that there is such a thing as mental illness. What does this have to do with this post? Well, I wish I could tell them- You don't have to hate each other from the moment you wake, you don't have to sleep in separate areas of the house, you don't have to be miserable. But to them that possibility is very "American". I don't think they've been openly affectionate and caring to one another in well over a decade let alone behind closed doors. Such dysfunctions get passed on, and reflecting upon such a family history has been helping my own marriage in stopping the horrible legacy. Did you ever see people sacrifice so much for each other that they had nothing to give-FOR YEARS? Not really giving much of anything. So empty isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 Wow! Some very powerful posts! Link to post Share on other sites
wiseOLDman Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Did either of your parents have an affair? NO Celebrating their 49th Anniversary this year Link to post Share on other sites
Vanetia Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Did either of your parents have an affair? If so, did they stay married? If they did, how did you feel? If they divorced, how did you feel? Did they divorce for any other reason? How did you feel? Did they stay married but unhappy? How did you feel? Neither of my parents had an affair but they did get divorced when I was six years old. I actually didn't really think it was a big deal that they got divorced but it still caused a lot of problems for me because my mother went PSYCHO as a result of it. She was awarded custody of my brother and me, my father only got us every other weekend. When he first left I was asleep so he didnt have a chance to tell me what was going on. I got to hear it from my mom who said "He doesnt love you anymore." and that I was never going to see him again. She pretended to call my dads mom then told me she didnt know where he was, either. I only found out she was lying about that after talking to my grandma and she said "Your mom never called me." She pulled that garbage a lot. She'd tell my dad we'd be home then take us to the gym so he couldn't find us. Then when he didnt arrive to pick us up she'd say "He must not love you anymore." and take us home. When Dad finally found out where she was taking us she was pissed to discover he had actually picked us up. I could go on and on with my horror stories so I should just stop here So it's not the divorce I had problems with..I was too busy dealing with a psychotic parent. I was just glad when I was able to move in with my dad and escape her. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Hi. My parents divorced when I was 4. My dad had an affair, but they were basically not getting on before that. I became VERY close to my mum, and not so close to my Dad, with whom I was angry for a long time. Dad and I are friends now, and my Mum and Dad are also good friends, and we all live close by! Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Did your folks stay married or not? How did you feel about it? Post: 1 | Quote: Stayed married Did they stay married but unhappy? no doubt How did you feel? bad at first (my mom stayed cuz of me) but now its just like..... o well, wutdya gonna do Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 The notion of becoming my father scares me to death. If you know it's coming, can you avoid it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hope so. I'm trying real hard not to be my mother. If you figure out what made them do what they did, I figure it's possible to avoid the same mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 If I can be as good a mum as my mum was to me when I was growing up, I will be a happy person! She's great. But when my kids are older, I will make sure I try and not hold on too tightly, because that can be tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 I've always thought of my father as a pityful man. He has a mediocre job that he doesn't like, mum walks over him as if it were nothing. He doesn't have a lot of friends. He feels best when he's alone in our garden, sitting under the big tree in a comfy chair, reading a Tom Clancy novel. He is the 'Yes dear' kind of man. All my life up til now I desired nothing but to be different. But he's my father. He will do anything for my brother, my mother and me. He took me and my brother out to a soccer game a month or so ago. The national equipe. He got VIP tickets from one of his superiors at work. His boss told him he earned them because he always helps out colleges with computer problems, even outside the job. He was proud as hell he was sitting there with me and my brother. I don't know. Something triggered that moment. If I can be half the man my father is... Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted January 27, 2004 Author Share Posted January 27, 2004 Very sweet story, Kriz! Link to post Share on other sites
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