Family Causing Drama and Stress

[HLP234]

I'm dealing with a lot of family issues and I need advice. My parents got a divorce and my mother and siblings moved to an area near me. They constantly need me for things and also need money. I have my degree, a good job and all so I help as much as I can. My father disaproves of me dating my girlfriend because he felt I went around his back and got engaged without talking to him first. Since the divorce and since that happened, he has told everyone I am dead to him.

 

My gf has done some things to dissapoint my parents before they ever met her. She acted selfish and started arguments with me when she knew I had to help my mother out for months when my mother and siblings moved here. My mom heard her on the phone say to come get my stuff that she was done because we had made plans and could not hold them over something I needed to do for my mom.

 

My gf also got a hold of a letter my dad wrote me on how dissapointed he was with my choice to be engaged to this girl and she wrote him back saying that it was not right of him to say things about her and her family when he never met them. Till this day my parents have never met my gf and they don't want to. We have been together about 1 year. My gf wrote an apology letter to my mom and basically saying it wasn't right to judge her when they have not met her. My mom still does not want to meet her, when we talk about her she gets high blood pressure and goes crazy. She is still dealing with the divorce, trying to get settled and find a job as she has never worked before.

 

She is saying that this girl has changed me, she is not on the same level because she did not complete college, and that she has no reason to like her and neither should I. I normally don't say anything I'm a quiet person and no matter how many times I tell her I love her and that I'm comfortable with this girl, my mom says I am blind and that she is no good for me and will just bring me down later. My gf was in an accident a while back so she has not been working or doing much because she has not healed fully. She is living with me and my mom does not like this. I do everything for my gf, I drive, she doesn't so I take her places and sometimes help her siblings out too when she asks. My mother again thinks this is not right. With holidays coming around the corner, its hard to spend time apart from each other as my gf always wants to be with me and everytime I have to do something for my mom my gf gets upset, everytime I don't do what my siblings and mom asks or if I say I am busy they blame it on my girlfriend.

 

Its a rough situation to be in and neither of us want to break up but its not fair that it feels like we are being forced to. My mother even said one day she will meet her and tell her how much she's hurt my mother by acting the way she did when my family moved here and basically make her leave me. That's not right either but it seems I can not do anything and its really bothering me. Has anyone been in similar situations?

[ErgoStep]

Look to the future. Knowing everything you know about your girlfriend, and your life situation, is she the person you want to be with in ten or twenty years.

 

If she is your long term decision and your family is not supportive, I would cut off contact with the family.

 

If you decide to ask her to leave, I would also reduce contact with the family. They have some wisdom to offer. Yet still. When you marry you are choosing your wife over your family. When you make that sort of decision and they meddle, it is appropriate to cut them off completely.

 

In-law complications are often excessive and unnecessary, in my opinion.

[HLP234]

Thanks for the reply, I guess having a long post does not make people want to read it. Well I don't want to break up because my parents don't like her. But in a way I do see what my mom is saying. She can be right about some stuff. And my gf does get upset too easily and basically if I choose doing something for my mother or family she just gets angry and starts packing her stuff and i have to tell her not to go.

 

For this thanksgiving she is upset that I am not spending with her, when I talked to her a while back she said I should go spend it at my moms. Now that I may have to leave town with my family for the holiday she got so upset and says that she doesn't think she is important to me. She is important but I have not seen my cousins or other family members for a long time and I should not be considered an ******* because I want to go see them. I do a lot for my gf as I said, when her family needs stuff I am the one that takes her to get them things, I drive she doesn't. Don't see why me being with my family is a problem to her.

[Downtown]

HLP, I agree with ErgoStep that, if you ultimately decide this is the woman you want to marry, you should cut off contact with your unsupporting family. At issue, however, is whether your GF is sufficiently emotional stable to make a good wife. I certainly don't know the answer to that question. I find it troubling, however, that -- over the past year -- numerous posters have told you that the behavior you describe is filled with needless drama, selfishness, an "I am a victim" mentality, and clinging behavior. Significantly, those are some of the behavioral symptoms of having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

 

On the other hand, you keep starting new threads by repeating the same old story and adding very few new details about your GF's bad behavior. It therefore is very unclear whether she is simply reacting to very hateful behavior from your parents or, rather, is exhibiting a worrisome fear of abandonment. People who have a great abandonment fear (as BPDers do) try to isolate their partners away from their friends and family to increase their control over those partners. Yet, if that were true, you should also be complaining about how she is overly jealous and how she discourages you from spending time with your own friends. There therefore is very little evidence that your GF's behavior actually exhibits strong BPD traits. Indeed, I really doubt that it does.

 

Yet, given what is at stake -- and given your year-long effort on this forum to figure out why she is so demanding and unsupportive -- I believe it may be worth 15 minutes of your time to read a little about BPD traits to see if they sound familiar. If they do, I would strongly recommend that you confirm your suspicions by seeing a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two on your own -- to obtain a professional opinion.

 

I say this because, if you marry a BPDer like I did, you will be in for a world of hurt. An easy place to start reading is my description of such traits in Rebel's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If those traits do not sound familiar, please disregard this post because I do not want to get you worried over nothing. If the traits do ring a bell, however, I would be glad to answer questions or point you to good online resources. Take care, HLP.

[AIC]

I'll give you some advice, get some nuts and stand up for yourself. Your gf sounds like an idiot you work hard and return home to a guilt trip? Dude your parents got divorced, that is extremely rough for them, so your mother reaches out to her eldest child and your gf wants to break up cause you can't keep an appt? What sort of immature imbecile does this and you are getting married to this person? Your life dude but I'd be reassessing. Healthy relationships do not function this way. Good luck.

[setsenia]

It sounds like you carry some resentment for your gf as well, by the way you are speaking of her. I would take the time to think about your relationship. Is it really bothering you that your gf is being selfish? Is your family really taking a lot of time away from her? Do you enjoy helping out your parents? These are some things to think about.

 

I actually had a similar situation when my husband and I were dating. His mom would actually blame his relationship with me for the reason he "wouldn't do his chores as well" and some other crap. However, it sounds like your parents have a legitimate reason for not liking her if she said something like that that they could hear. It definitely does not earn brownie points. You'll have to see both sides of the situation.

[HLP234]

I appreciate all the advice I really do. It's been a crazy holiday weekend. I ended up noy going away for thankgsgiving but ate dinner at my mothers place. She was still upset. Woke up Sunday to my gf all packed and telling me she is leaving because it bothers her my mother will never accept her and that she will never spend holidays with me because I let my mom tell me what to do all the time. I said ok then if you feel that way then I'm sorry I do try I fight with my mom all the time about you. Just because I don't tell my gf doesnr mean I don't stick up for her. She gives me the you don't care about me trip and how she has tried with my mom but my mother is being riddiculuous. Which is true she did appologize and got my sister a gift for her b day. But my moms never even mentiined bringing my gf over or even asking about her. She said her family did not do this to me and they always welcome me. So I do see her side too. I had to comfort her so she would not walk out. I wish things were easier and even my aunt was baffled after knowing the whole story why my mom will just not want to get to know her. My aunt wanted to meet the girl but my gf got upset saying thats something your mom should be doing not your aunt so they never met either.

 

I will read up on the bpd stuff linked earlier and ill keep jist this thread updated. I feel like I never had so many responsibility in my whole life. Like I should not be dealing with all this. Out of all my friends in college I make pretty good money and should be trying to enjoy myself after all bills are payed each month but instead I'm being stuck in the middle where all I do is try to destress myself as much as I can. And its not just the gf, she makes me happy. I'm just not happy that there is no peace in my head knowing my mother is being so riddiculous when I know my gf does make me happy regardless of dumb fights.

[Tayla]

I respectfully disagree with the majority of advice. As an adult YOU DO HAVE CHOICES, and this includes setting healthy boundaries with any other "PERSON". Your family may well be of solid foundation yet the way they are handling your girlfriend is less then admirable. Your family doesnt get to play matchmaker or even so much as utter a word UNTIL they meet and get to truly know her. For that I disagree with the behavior and comments they are making towards her. She though is being less then friendly in this matter. Lets face it, when one is judged without just cause ( and it is UNJUST since they DO NOT know her or even care too), she is acting accordingly. Put yourself in her shoes, to be judged, to be put on the sidelines the moment your family wants of your money and your time?? Where she can "simmer" down is with her angst, but there again you are responsible for dropping your life to do at whim what your family wants. You are NOT responsible for your parents situation or lifestyle change. Stop enabling them to keep butting into your ADULT life. You can choose to be the catalyst that keeps the turmoil going or you can be the ADULT and get straight with all parties, this includes telling your parents to be quiet when giving advisal on a person they know nothing about! THen tell your girlfriend that you will not tolerate her tantrums and if she wants to go,,,then let her. You got to set the boundaries and stop thus vicious cycle that all sides are playing against your happiness. Most mature couples heading towards long term commitments do not cast the parents to the side, but welcome all into the new found relations and learn to move forward. Try that.

[HLP234]

I definately understand how my gf feels. I know its rough and it hurts to be judged and thought of like that when the other people have not taken the time to even get to know you. But all of this started because they got a bad impression of her based on how she acted when my mother first came here and needed so much of my time. My gf would argue and give me ultimatums when I told her I needed to do things for my family because at the time I had not found them their own vehicle yet. I would be told if you don't come over tonite then I'm done. She would start fights with me if I could not make it out on certain days. Because mom was living with me at the time she witnessed this which gave her a bad first impression.

 

You are right Tayla, I figured it would take a few months my mother would be upset and then forget about it and just move on and we would all meet and stuff. Nope. I don't even enjoy visiting my family now knowing how upset she gets and knowing that a fight between my mother and I usually occurs when my gf is brought up. I tell her all the time she has no right to think what she does of my gf because that isn't right and she should not be so judging. Maybe its because she is foreign and just really strict or maybe because she is scared this girl may be trying to control me. I certainly do not feel like she is, but the same stuff happens when I try to go out with friends. She will tell me to go its fine, yet I know she is upset and will say something later.

 

She's had her emotional ups and downs and is on depression meds too. She's a very fragile girl so I know how she feels, why she is shy of coming out with me and my friends because of her accident..she has a lot of issue with self esteem she's told me so and I can see it. But she's getting better and I tell her all the time not to think bad things of herself yet that does not change much.

 

I myself am not so family oriented even though I was brought up by both foreign parents with strict values. Now the only reason I go to visit my mother and siblings is to see how they are doing, even though I know they are doing crappy, and to keep them from saying I never do anything for them or care for them because I am too busy. Yet my gf should not complain or get angry with me and do the end game on me when I say I need to go spend time with family. I'm mostly never gone more than 1 hour at the most. The huge problem is when I have to go for a weekend to see other members that I have not seen in months. Her behavior even though I know she has a right to feel the way she does, is not so right either.

 

You know if you love someone but that does not mean you need to have them 24/7 all the time at all circumstances, she does not seem to understand this.

 

If I knew her parents did not like me and she needed to see them or whatever I would not get mad, but thats just me.

[LoveTKO]

Do what I do with annoying family members. I turn my back on them and pretend they don't exist. You can only be nice for so long, but all the trash talking and getting-in-your-business stuff just crosses all boundaries.

 

Think of it this way; would you be friends with people who talked about your girlfriend the way they do, or would you be friends with people who try to control your life the way the do? I didn't think so either, and just because they're "family" doesn't give them the right to disrespect you and besmirch your gf.

 

Tell them to f*** off and to never talk to you again. I can't stand controlling and manipulative dip s h i t s.

[sLiPpeTh]

Yeah, I'd tell them to all F* off, including the fiance.

 

Way too much drama.

[HLP234]

Well now it seems to gotten worse. My gf keeps texting this one person, think its a guy. They text all the time I even saw her dad ask who it was cuz it was happening frequently when I was there. She looked through my phone this morning...didnt say anything but I have nothing to hide. Somehow this guy wants to hang out with her and see her and she's mentioned in her texts that she would go and watch movies with him. I ended up seeing her texts cuz she will text right in front of me. I dunno if she knows that I know..she keeps a straight face and everything is ok attitude with me. She tells me she loves me so much and I am the one to make her the happiest.

 

I dunno what to think of this communication she is having with this person. Somehow she installed a virus by accident on my pc that I have almost removed (she wanted to get music and ended up putting bloatware on my pc).

Well whatever is on there is getting logged and I happened to see an email she wrote to this kid through a screenshot. She was basically introducing herself telling him all about herself and what she likes, what she doesn't how she likes the feeling of meeting someone when they have chemistry and all this bullcrap. That hurt, I did not expect to see this. I would never go through her stuff I'm not that kind of person. But she bit herself in the ass with this music program cuz this virus or whatever it is doing no good. Don't know how I should feel or what I should do it was very dissapointing.

 

How would you go about this? And anyone know of antimalware that I can use? No scan will find it but as much as it is kinda revealing things for me I want it out!