Ex undermining me

[spiderowl]

Hi,

 

I'm hoping some of you who've had similar experiences may be able to give me some tips here.

 

I have a teenage son who is really challenging me at the moment. He is being rude, defiant, unpleasant and constantly trying to belittle me. Just about every comment he directs at me is negative. He is not helping me out and criticises everything I do, from the way I eat my food or talk to ... well, you name it! I try to do the right thing and calmly tell him he must not behave in this way and talk to me like that. I tell him how he should behave so that he's under no illusion about what's expected of him. Still he carries on and I have little leverage. He has funds of his own and so I can't restrict his money.

 

So I know I need to set boundaries and make him respect me and believe me I've tried. He cannot continue like this or others will not want him around either. He needs to behave better. The real problem, as I see it, is that my ex, his father, soft-soaps him and is always warm, welcoming and understanding towards him. He will not reprimand him seriously and teach him to respect me. Instead, he pretty much believes I'm part of the problem and not understanding my son. He tries to understand how my son is thinking and gently discusses things with him, which produces no change whatsoever. This makes me so angry because he is making my job ten time worse. If I get angry with my son (which I try not to do) and threaten to throw him out if he doesn't reform (which, I hasted to add, I've only resorted to very recently), he'll just go to his father's and know there will be a warm welcome and he will feel justified in his treatment of me.

 

I got angry with my son recently and told him he'd have to behave better and treat me with respect or he would be out of here. He doesn't care, he just rings his father and says he wants to come there. He is quite happy, all is well in his life. It's just me who feels battered and abused and suicidal about this situation.

 

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this kind of situation?

Edited August 7, 2011 by spiderowl

[Eddie Edirol]

I say let him go. Move all his stuff to his dads house since theyre so chummy. Its loads off your head and he will start coming around when his dad starts disagreeing with him. THEN and only then will you have your leverage. He has to think you dont need him for now, since you wont smack him upside his head. Coddling him with light verbals will not make him feel like he is losing anything. So just move him out, and do it when hes not there so he feels the pinch immediately.

[antinko]

Ok, I'm not a parent but I believe I can help. I'm a teacher and will see a student with 100% attendance 8% of the year. The truly challenging students who require far more imaginative behaviour management approaches will attend school far less than that 8% and what I outline below seems to work quite well with them if the approaches are used consistently.

 

Considering you are a parent and therefore have a much stronger bond with your son (might not feel that way, but you do), and you see him a lot more during the year, then these approaches should hopefully work even better.

 

A few hopefully helpful links:

 

http://www.squidoo.com/psycho-educational-model-for-managing-disruptive-classroom-behavior

 

http://www.highland.gov.uk/learninghere/psychologicalservice/information-parents/a-solution-focused-ideas.htm

 

Ok, so right now you are experiencing conflict with your son and it appears that he is using dad as an emotional blackmail tool.

 

I'm going to take a stab in the dark based on my experience with youngsters using other adults they seem to prefer and state the following:

 

- Your son is simply crying out for help and requires your attention.

- Your son respects you more than you think; he does not respect dad as much as he claims.

- Your son is lost right now.

 

I don't know the specifics and I'm sure you do your best for your son, but teenage boys are strange animals who are far more complex and vulnerable than they seem.

 

Firstly, you seem to be mostly using imperatives, e.g. "You must not talk to me like that" and "You must not behave this way". By doing this, you're presenting your son with two options. 1. Comply, but not get what he wants or 2. Rebel and he knows he can get away with it anyway.

 

I am sure that there are sanctions you can use which are way better than money. You said that restricting money isn't an option, so don't even consider it. You do, however, have something far more powerful at your disposal and that is motherly love.

 

Solution focus works especially well if you maintain a calm and pleasant demeanor. If you show your son that you're hurt, agitated or remotely bothered by his emotional digs, then he is going to lose confidence. To be honest, I think he's only being mean to you because he's testing you.

 

I know it might sound counter intuitive and I certainly hope I don't come across as patronizing, but it seems obvious to me that your son is trying to get a reaction out of you. He craves attention from you but he does not know exactly what type of attention he wants.

 

Maybe he's trying to get you to act as a source of discipline and structure because dad doesn't provide that? Your son might think dad is being understanding and 'the better parent', but he's clearly not because he's not taught him how to respect other people, most importantly, you.

 

This is why I suggest solution focus. It's a fairly simple, but very powerful method of opening up dialogue with a challenging teenager and getting them to explore their real feelings because, presently, they don't understand them.

 

So avoid conflict. Your son wants conflict, or seems to, so deny him it. This will knock him off balance and will help you establish the control you deserve.

 

Your son knows your expectations, but I think you need to try and provide him with more alternatives. Praise him and reward him for showing the behaviour you want, and make him aware that not meeting your expectations will lead to consequences. I'm not sure what consequences you could use, but there must be something you can take away from him when you need to.

 

Also, there must be certain attentions you give him which he likes. Was he different as a younger teenager/boy? What worked then which might be missing now?

 

Finally, if you find this post useful and would like me to go through modelling a solution focused conversation based on one of the recurring issues you have with your son, I'd be more than happy to. I hope what I've suggested is useful in some way.

 

- Antinko

[spiderowl]

Thanks for both your comments.

 

Thanks for the solution-focused information. I think I will find that very helpful. I have often thought that my son wants me to pay him attention but he pretends he doesn't, of course, just makes unpleasant comments a lot of the time. The result of that is that I want to opt out and spend less time with him so I guess it's a vicious circle.

 

Thanks very much for the links. I think this will come in useful and give me something to work with. I don't like how it has become negative like this. He does have some special needs, which I won't go into here, but the info. you sent me will help. Thank you once again, I feel a bit more hopeful now

[DaisyLeigh]

I say let him go live with his fantasyland daddy. Don't be nasty, just tell him that you have decided that since he is so miserable, you want him to be happy and that he is free to go live with his father.

 

I bet he begs to come back. If not, well, you tried.

[netazxvraisk]

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[antinko]

Glad you found my input hopeful. The key to it is, kids read adults in ways they don't even understand and they react emotionally. What they need from the adult is a beacon of confidence and support because they don't have the resources to find that within themselves adequately - they're kids after all, and at the teenage stage they have so many hormones and changes happening that they're lost. They'll try and push you away, but really they're saying "I need you."

 

Don't give up on him. Don't send him permanently to dad's - you may as well just say to him "I've given up on you" if you do that.