Baroness67 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 OK, usually I am on the responding side. Nearly always, actually, but here goes. I am feeling horrible about this. DD going to the City for the day with her friends Sunday. Asked her if she wanted me to try to get tickets for something. She said great. I went online and found tickets for all the group for a matinee - they were special seats - and wanted to surprise her. Got the tickets. Told her about them today and she freaked out and asked why didn't I check with her first, that they had in between the time I had asked about the tickets and I had purchased them, they had decided on doing something else. Do I have a spoiled kid or did I make a real mistake, or somewhere in between? Good follow up is that I am using the tickets to treat my other daughter and some of her friends, just an unexpected trip - but wondering about thoughts on the former situation. I find it so unnerving that my daughter thinks I did something to wreck her weekend by trying to surprise her. New for me. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baroness67 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 Oh, just truth in advertising about this - not trying to pretend we have perfect land over here. I was hurt that I had tried to surprise her and her reaction was that I hadn't catered to her enough. On the other hand, I remember being her age and true enough, it was all about what I wanted to do and I probably would have been frustrated with my mom for exactly the same thing. Even as I took the money in her hand and pocketed it. So hard to have teenagers. And so hard for the teenagers to have parents. At what point do you stop the surprises? There are already so many points of contention, who needs one over passive-aggressive broadway tickets. Sigh. Thanks for following this far, if you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baroness67 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 Strangely enough, just typing this out helps me to see ... holy man, I am my mom. Passive aggressive gift giving. Love shack is great. I need to go talk to my daughter and apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 LOL... I avoid all these problems. I stop talking to mine when they hit 13. I figure when they get in their late 20`s early 30`s we can converse safely again. Maybe, I`ll let ya know how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelemort Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I think your heart was in the right place by trying to surprise your daughter, but plans can be whimsy at that age (as they were here). Your daughter likely reacted negatively because she was afraid you might be upset that the tickets wouldn't be used, since they'd already made alternative plans. Obviously we weren't there, but I don't see much that was "ungrateful" about her reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
danielclark Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 ya its correct to say those words about teenage ============= webdesign Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 PorkRinds, just to let you know I reported the above. is that ok with you? Link to post Share on other sites
dongkong Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 You have a spoiled kid. Link to post Share on other sites
applefruit Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 spoiled brat daughter. I would have been glad if someone surprised me with tickets to something.Ive been suprised as a teenager by my big sister and it was the greatest, but i had a few days till the thing your daughter should have cancelled her plans.she sounds stubborn, how important could he other plans be? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I think your heart was in the right place by trying to surprise your daughter, but plans can be whimsy at that age (as they were here). Your daughter likely reacted negatively because she was afraid you might be upset that the tickets wouldn't be used, since they'd already made alternative plans. Obviously we weren't there, but I don't see much that was "ungrateful" about her reaction. I agree with Kelemort. I doubt that she was truly ungrateful, it's just that you said you'd try to get tickets, but not knowing for sure that tickets would come through, I'm sure it seemed reasonable to her (at some point after your initial discussion) to make other plans. I have to ask... would you have been okay if she didn't freak out, but calmly declined your surprise gift? Or were you expecting her to change her plans to accept your gift? If it's the latter -- or if she thinks it's the latter -- then that might explain part of the freakout and why she was upset. She's at an age where making decisions for herself and taking more authority over her life is important, and she may have felt like you were trying to control what she does, especially since you didn't come back to ask what she thought about the tickets before buying them. She may have felt like you were planning things out for her like she was 5 years old. Sometimes surprises just don't work out the way we plan, and that doesn't have anything to do with age. Well, not entirely... it's a lot easier to plan surprises for small children, since parents are much more in control of their schedule. But teens and adults make their own plans for things, and conflicts are bound to arise more often than not. The same thing could have happened with surprising an adult friend with tickets -- would you have felt differently if it was an adult friend being unenthusiastic about your surprise gift? Just food for thought. Anyway, it was unfortunate that your surprise didn't work out, but these things happen, and it doesn't mean you're a bad mother or that she's a bad daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 (edited) It was a nice thought but yes, I think you should have at least hinted heavily to your daughter that you were thinking of 'surprising' her and her friends with a batch of tickets for 'x'. I've done this kind of thing with my daughter. I know you wanted it to be a surprise but surprises don't work so well with older kids. This is because you are making several assumptions: that she'd like the show you selected; that she hadn't got anything else planned; and that she and her friends would be pleased about it. When I was a young girl, I liked to be surprised by my parents with treats, but when I got older and guys tried to surprise me with expensive treats, it felt controlling. They hadn't consulted me and they'd assumed what I liked. You meant well and it was a lovely idea but there is a time when one realises that the offspring are no longer kids to be surprised but adults who need to feel they have a say in matters (even if, unfairly, they haven't forked out the cash!). Edited May 6, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Your daughter is neither spoiled nor ingracious, she is blessed to have a parent that was thoughtful and kind to think of her and her friends on such an adventure. As a parent we are often misinterpreted with our true intentions. Thru maturity and much tolerance the young'ns do look back and see how parents meant well. For now it seemed to her that it was intrusive to make such a gesture. Not that its the true meaning, just her side. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted May 7, 2011 Share Posted May 7, 2011 Strangely enough, just typing this out helps me to see ... holy man, I am my mom. Passive aggressive gift giving. Love shack is great. I need to go talk to my daughter and apologize. I somehow missed this post of yours, but I'm glad just posting helped. I wish my mom had your insight into her passive aggressive gifting. Oh my gosh, what a nightmare! It's one thing when your kids are teens, but when you still do it and your kids are in their 30s... Link to post Share on other sites
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