Moving out of home, how to break it to controlling parents?

[NamNam]

Hey all,

 

The last recent weeks I have decided to look for a place on my own to get away from the current family home. My reasons for doing so is because I need independence from my parents as they're very unreasonably controlling, demanding and exert a lot of unnecessary pressure on me which makes me truly feel like I'm suffocating.

 

Question is, how do I approach such parents in the most suitable way? I know that I will be facing a barrage of emotions, pleads, arguments which will all lead to feeling guilty over this decision. How do I overcome that and proceed with letting them know about my thoughts?

 

Thank you in advance.

[Dooda]

Hey Namnam.

You simply have to tell them and let them know. You already know what they're going to do, you already know that whatever they will do will only be done because they are controlling parents, so why are you scared?

Just tell them.

[NamNam]

You're right, just tell them.

 

I guess I have always lived under that influence and control from them.

 

It's one of those things that I'm slowly learning to free myself from. This is a big step for me so there's a lot of mixed emotions.

 

But thank you Dooda.

[threebyfate]

This is really a test of your determination to be independent. It's piss or get off the pot.

 

There's no easy way to do this. Just make sure you have a place leased AND available, when you tell them. This way, you have your escape hatch when all that static hits the fan.

[PhantomJC]

Be 100 percent sure this is what you want to do. I'm sure you're sure, but make sure you're sure!

 

Back when I was 19 and getting ready to leave for college I had a great-grandmother that I was staying with and forced to take care of by various other members of my family. Thankfully, Anthony Robbins has a lot of great information available and one of the things I picked up from this motivational speaker at the time was the idea of preemptive decision making - or rehearsing an answer or response to possible questions/comments so that one automatically knows what one is going to say and do in a given circumstance.

 

Sure enough, the day I said I was leaving for college I was hit with a battery of guilt pushing comments..... all of which I deflected one way or another, simply because I had practiced and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was what I needed to do for my life.

 

The last, and perhaps most difficult comment, was when my great-grandmother along with a few family members told me "You must not love your great-grandmother at all to go and do something as selfish as this"......... I had been waiting for that one, as I knew it was going to come up. I responded as I headed to the door "You're right, I don't love her. I love myself more than enough to know that if I never leave here my life isn't ever going to go anywhere. Selfish? The only selfish people are the ones in this room who think I need to give up my own life because they don't know how to cope with it..."

 

Now just a warning: It was MANY years before my family and I spoke after that event. However, I was so happy I cried tears of joy on the car ride to the out of state university I was to attend. I met new people and, honestly, that was probably the one most life changing event in my life..... and, who knows, it could be the same for you.

Edited September 24, 2010 by PhantomJC

[mohdhm]

Hey all,

 

The last recent weeks I have decided to look for a place on my own to get away from the current family home. My reasons for doing so is because I need independence from my parents as they're very unreasonably controlling, demanding and exert a lot of unnecessary pressure on me which makes me truly feel like I'm suffocating.

 

Question is, how do I approach such parents in the most suitable way? I know that I will be facing a barrage of emotions, pleads, arguments which will all lead to feeling guilty over this decision. How do I overcome that and proceed with letting them know about my thoughts?

 

Thank you in advance.

 

I asked the exact same question one time, on this forum... but there is really no way to go out peacefully. After i left, i thought if there was anything i could have done differently so there wouldn't be a big gigantic fight, and i found no answer. Make sure you have a plan or friends that will let you stay over for a few days until you find a new place... because if your parents are super controlling they will kick you out whenever they think you are most unprepared, with the expectation of having you crawl back to them.

 

When the tensions in my house reached the critical point, i packed up my stuff and left, it was at mightnight and the bus station was closed (was heading to a different town as university was about to start in 2-3 weeks). i waited in the bitter cold for 6 hours until the bus station would open, and the whole time i was thinking "this is infinitely better than being back at home." I felt free, at peace, in control of my destiny... and cold as hell. I haven't talked to them since, and i doubt i will until years to come like many others on here. So be prepared to completely alienate yourself from them. once you take control of your own life, if you are like me, you'd wonder why you haven't done it sooner.

 

The only sad part is running into people that have functional/loving families.

[D-Lish]

If you want to break free, you have to do it with a "damn the consequences" type of attitude, there is no other way.

 

I'd advise that you set up the plan first, then tell them.

[desertIslandCactus]

My father was very controlling .. Was the kind of father who would feel the tv and my toothbrush after his graveyard shift to be sure what time I went to bed.. ha

 

Anyway, aside from being controlling, they charged me rent after I got a job.. Met a friend on the job who found an apartment for me much closer to work .. (My father always hated her after that .. ha)

 

So I would think after you get your accomodations all lined up .. If it were me, I would say: You'll never believe what happened to me today, I got an apartment.

 

After I moved into my apartment, I met and married my husband.