My Mother is disowning me!!!

[Shea]

My Mother is disowning me. I have a boyfriend and we are trying to take our relationship to the next level...MARRIAGE...but my mother totally dissaproves of this because she feels that I am choosing him over her.

 

I Love my mother and there is no possible way that I couldn't but she say that i don't because of the simple fact i am not living the way she wants me to live and I am no longer doing what she wants me to do and I want to satisfy myslf for a change. She feels as if i am deserting her.

 

The man in questioin is the one and only person that i have loved and we have been through so much together and yet and still we remain to love each other more deeply than we did to start. I love him and do not want to locse him but because I want to please my mother he doesn't really want to continue our relationship.

 

I am at a lost, I do not want to choose on over the other but I don't want to lose neither. Please Give me any advice. I am to the point were i don't even want to live and don't want neither of them if I can't have both.

[moimeme]

she feels that I am choosing him over her.

 

fact i am not living the way she wants me to live and I am no longer doing what she wants me to do

 

The job of the parent is to prepare the child to become an independent person, NOT to make the child dependent upon the parent for all its life. Your mom has lost sight of the job of a parent. Lots of parents do, unfortunately.

 

You have to talk with her, tell her you are an adult, and now it is time for you to act like an adult and make decisions like an adult.

It may be that she never comes around but you cannot give up your life for the sake of someone who won't let go of you when she should. Be respectful and loving but make it clear that she has done her job of parenting and now it is time for the bird to fly on her own.

 

I hope she listens. I wonder what her relationship with her own parents was. If her mom interfered in her life, you may have trouble getting through to her, however if she struck out on her own when she was your age, you might be able to point that out.

[longlegzs80]

I really believe that you need room to grow and if you love your boyfriend and you want to get married, so be it. Maybe your mother thinks she is going to lose you. Or maybe she thinks that this guy is not right for you and wants you to have better. If I were you I would tell you mother straight up that you love the both of them and that you are not going anywhere as far as the relationship between you and her. But it is time for you to grow. But too, I think it depends on your age and maybe she thinks you need time to explore your options or whatever it is. It is really hard to say. I think if you are in your early 20's, you should put the marriage thing on hold and take care of yourself and your career. If you are in your mid 20's and you feel that you love this guy and things are going right, then go for the marriage. Just let you mother know that you want her approval and that would make you happy. Tell her too that she needs to cut the cord and let you make mistakes. Maybe she does not want to let you go because she does not want you to make mistakes. Maybe she made mistakes of getting married to young and she does not want you to follow in her footsteps. I don't know if this is going to help you out or what. Maybe if we know your age, then we can kinda see where you and your mother are comming from. Or maybe not. Take care and hope things work out.

[longlegzs80]

You say your mother is disowning you for the reason that you and your boyfriend want to take it to the next level. I really believe it is all about the age. If you are 17 or 18, of course your mother is going to put her foot down or not approve of it. If your in your 20's then it is time that mom cuts the cord and lets you be free. Maybe she does not approve of who your dating, and the marriage thing would make her sick or maybe she sees it as your too young and in afew years you can get married with being financially stable and have a career started. So, it is really hard to say. MAybe you mother can see you can make better choices instead of getting married. Maybe she sees you as being too young. But too, maybe it might do you some good if you moved out of the house. But I really see that depending on your age too. If your in your teens of course your not going to move out. If you in your 20's, maybe it is time. So, who knows. Maybe I helped, hopefully. Has you mother given you a reason as to why she is going to disown you? Is it only because of the wanting the marriage thing? Let us know.

[Shea]

I am 20 years old I have been out of her house for two years I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter with whom she is telling me how to raise also.

 

I thank you for your advice and I will try these things you've mentioned. My mother is very strong willed though and I have come to believe tht I must live by her standards or none at all.

 

Her reason for disowning me is that she feels as if I am choosing my boyfriend over her because I continue to communicate with him when she specifically told me that she didn't want me with him.

[HokeyReligions]

If your daughter were to feel this way about you (in another 20 years) and came to you - how would you want her to discuss this with you?

 

You might have to be firm and tell your mother that you are not choosing between two people because you love both in different ways, but that if she is going to be so demanding of you, then you will have to pull away from her for your own sake, and the sake of your daughter. Maybe the fear of losing you both completely will quiet her down - but don't count on changing her mind or opinion.

 

Somehow she simply must accept her involvement in your life on YOUR terms, not hers.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Shea, what is it about this man that she does not particularly like? Does she feel he is irresponsible and would not make a good husband and/or father to your child? Has he done something in the past to hurt you and she is still holding some resentment toward him?

 

I Love my mother and there is no possible way that I couldn't but she say that i don't because of the simple fact i am not living the way she wants me to live

 

How does your mother "want" you to live? And what is it about your lifestyle that she seems to disapprove of?

 

Sorry for the barrage of questions...but although there are some over-protective parents out there, I'm just wondering if there is more to the issue than we might be surmising from your original post.

[Shea]

I don't Know exactly how she wants me to live but this I do know, everything that I do seems to be the wrong decision and my choices are not the choices that she would make if it were her. I think I live a fairly normal life. I work, come home and take care of my daughter, I don't party or club, or do anything that the normal 20 yr. old do, I refrain from that type lifestyle because I have more important things, namely, my daughter, to take of.

 

My mother once stated to me that I should wait until my daughter is older to begin a personal relationship with a man because there are so many things that I should be aware of. She is very concerned about child molestation and says that I don't know my boyfriend, or any man, and should hold off on my personal life until she is older. I understand her on this to a point but I still don't agree to it.

 

My boyfriend, well I don't know exactly what it is about him that she doesn't like. He respects me never treated me badly. He isn't a criminal, he doesn't have a thousand kids, he doesn't do drugs, and to me he's everything that I look for in a husband, give or take a few things but everyone has their flaws. He doesn't have a "real" job, and she doesn't like that, but he works every now and then with his father, but if i needed anything he is more than happy to give, if he doesn't have it, he manages to get it for me. He is going to take on a real job whenever we get our relationship and this whole situation straight, and when he can relocate to where i am because we live in different towns.

[moimeme]

An adult life is not about pleasing one's parents. It's nice if you can, but they have their own issues and problems and may not be pleaseable.

 

This is her problem, not yours. Your child deserves a good man in her mother's life and it sounds like you have a good man. Don't lose him because your mother won't approve of him. You could play that game your whole life and end up alone or living with her and taking care of her (who knows - maybe that's what she wants!)

[EnigmaXOXO]

First, I want to make it clear that I am not condoning your mother’s controlling behavior at all….just trying to figure out where it might be coming from.

 

Obviously, it’s rooted in the fact that she loves and cares for you deeply and wants only the best for you. But I can’t see a mother not wanting her daughter find a wonderful husband who would love, take care of, and look after the both of you.

 

So I’m wondering if part of her fear is due to the fact that this man is not employed…and therefore, in her eyes, irresponsible and ill prepared to take over the responsibilities of an instant family. Particularly if your mother/parents are helping you out financially. If I could put myself in her place for a moment, I could see not wanting a man to move in with my daughter if he could not afford to take care of himself or you. For instance, if I were helping my daughter pay her rent and/or bills, I wouldn’t want some unemployed guy moving in and sponging off of my family. But if you are already paying your own way, than this would certainly not apply. I would tell your guy to start looking for employment opportunities in your area now, rather than wait until after he’s relocated to your town and moved in. This might show your mother that he’s at least making a responsible effort to meet you half way. OR…wait until you are no longer dependant on your mother’s/parent’s help before adding a third person to your life.

 

Of course, if I’m totally off on this, and you are already financially independent with your own home and life, than by all means follow your heart if you trust your judgment regarding this man. This way, any mistakes you may or may not make will be your responsibility alone.

 

Also, I am wondering if part of her fear might have something to do with the men in your past…particularly her granddaughter’s biological father. Perhaps she is worried that history might repeat itself and she doesn’t want to see you hurt again??

[Curiousa]

from what the original poster is writing, I am getting the impression that this is a major control issue - I would consider the possibility that your mother is potentially suffering from some form of disorder, or even depression ... - it appears to me - without wanting to pose a medical opinion here, which I am not qualified for - that there is something "unhealthy" in the level of control she's trying to exercise .. - including emotional blackmail etc.

 

My suggestion to you is to start counselling, exploring your relationship to your mother - ideally, you could do some family/relationship counselling with all parties involved .... - just to see if there is something "underlying" ....

 

You are responsible for your own life, being an adult, not your mum - you are not responsible for your mum either - if she's putting a guilt trip on you, or emotionally blackmail you (as it appears to me), it's high time to investigate the actual emotional status of mutual dependency between the two of you - you owe this to your own mental health, coz if there is some issues, you might pass them on in relationship and even to your kids in later life ...

 

Just my personal opinion ....