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Family life driving me crazy


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So I just finished my university degree and now I'm taking a year off before doing my masters. I've only been back home for a few days, but it's beginning to drive me insane.:mad:

 

My dad can be pretty ridiculous a lot of the time. He has certain "paranoias" which drive the rest of the family mad. He's very concerned about safety and various "hazards", and will lecture us about the same thing over and over again. One of the worst ones is his fire hazard paranoia. He has a million rules, and he'll constantly say something like "that piece of paper is too close to the lamp!" or "get that away from the stove!"... Now, these things may sound reasonable, but he'll take it to the extreme. Maybe there's a book 2 feet away from the lamp and the lamp isn't turned on nor even plugged in. Or someone left an oven mitt a foot away from the stove which isn't even on.

 

And then he will repeat the same thing over and over again, even once we've listened to what he said. I find that even when I'm careful not to have anything be a fire hazard, somehow he extends his "rules" so that whatever I'm doing is STILL not good enough.

 

I'm not normally an angry person whatsoever, but my dad can drive me crazy. I always tell myself I won't let it get to me, and that I'll just stay calm despite being extremely pissed off, but in the end he just overdoes it and I can't stop myself from getting angry.

 

I guess a lot of the time I just want to be left alone. I want to be able to do my own thing without him coming in my room and lecturing me, or telling me to do this and that. I also want him to respect my privacy and just stay out of my room, but no matter how many times I tell him these things, he just never listens to me.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, I guess this is more of a rant than anything else.:p

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Peaceful Guy

jesus, i can relate.. i moved out a while ago.. and then moved back in while in the process of buying and remodeling a condo.. it SUUUUUCKED! :laugh: man, ive fought with my pops over stupid **** like that too.. i love him dearly but for a while it was like.. every day coming home before he got dinner he'd get a OCD about the dumbest ****ing things.. one day my mom and i were listening to a cd on the dvd player through the tv, which was wrong (:lmao:), because the tv wasn't "for that".:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: or my mom.. hopelessly drives over the edge of the driveway onto the grass killing a little strip.. for as long as i can remember she's done this.. and he comes in.. "its just, its just.." :laugh::laugh::lmao: i dont know.. obviously for him it was work related and had nothing really to do with us.. i talked with him about.. their was actually some real conflict there for a bit but its all stopped.. it was just a pattern, one that he was unaware of/unwilling to let go of at first.. i dunno.. your dad could go super sonic because the danger is "real".. not sure if ide recommend bringing it up but it could be the healthy thing to do.. really though.. move out soon as possible i know that's not easy.. good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:laugh::)

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Xelha,

Congrats on obtaining your university degree!

 

It sounds as if you are caught in that awkward, confusing and frustrating stage between being a fully independent adult and a still-dependent youthful adult.

 

Your dad is likely not going to change during your year off, so it's squarely on you to make decisions now that will allow you to have the kind of year you want to have.

 

You may need to get a job that pays enough for you to be able to afford moving out of your childhood/family home -- maybe with a roommate or two. In any case, do what you can to be out of the house as much as possible. One constructive way is to volunteer at an organization that will benefit from your interest, knowledge and skills.

 

For what it might be worth, you can start trying to have more adult conversations with your dad. Share with him your own values and goals; let him know what about him you admire, respect and appreciate; ask what are his biggest dreams and worst fears for you; be understanding and kind, honest and open. Ask for his advice/input from time to time.

Basically, let him know that he is still loved and needed, but in new ways than when you were a kid.

 

Say, for example, "Dad, I constantly feel that no matter what I do, you criticize me. I end up feeling sad and frustrated, and it doesn't make for a very good relationship between us. Do you want to work with me to try to change things for the better?"

And you could have a different conversation about respectful privacy; and another to find out what, in his mind, would you need to do for him to start seeing you as the adult that you're growing into.

 

Negotiate and compromise so that your individual/different needs and goals can be met as far as possible, and keep in mind to do your best to allay his fears for you. These are important skills, and vital in the world of adulthood.

 

Best of luck.

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Thanks for the support.:) Peaceful Guy, your family reminds me of mine... it can get so crazy over here sometimes, and over the most ridiculous of things.:laugh:

 

Ronni, I'm definitely caught in that awkward stage...

 

I wish it were as simple as talking to my dad about these issues. I constantly address all this with him(as do my mom and my sister), but it's like a lot of what we say goes in one ear and out the other. I find it difficult to have deep conversations with my dad about a lot of topics, I don't know how to describe it exactly. But it's as though he can't quite acknowledge a lot of the things I say.

 

I'll definitely get a job this year, so that should help cut down the time I spend at home. This year I can't move in with any friends or anything because I'm saving money for my masters, which I want to do in Sept 2011. I'm going to move in with my bf for that year, so I'll be able to get away again.:p

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