Is my mom jealous or am I completely loony?

[Graciiie]

*Waves hi obnoxiously*

 

I don't know if I'm paranoid or if I'm on to something, so here we go: First things first, I'd like to say my mom and I have an okay relationship, but then I'd be lying. The only time we talk is if she's complaining about herself or about something I'm doing/not doing, and she'll constantly pick fights with me and say things that get under my skin, so I try my best to just ignore her altogether to avoid any unnecessary drama.

 

My mom has gained a lot of weight over the past year. She's not big (130 pounds), but by her standards and the weight she has been for most of her life, she is. She's always been very skinny. She's weighed 110 pounds since she had her second child, my brother, in 2000, before then, she weighed between 90-100 pounds. (No, I'm not kidding) So lately she's been very down on herself, but apparently the only way to make herself feel better is to belittle me or put me down. For example, I'm about 111 pounds, give or take a few, and I'm fairly comfortable with my body and how I look. I bought a new pair of jeans last week and I wore them the day afterwards. I was in the kitchen and my mom came home from work, looked at me and said "Those jeans are cute! They make your thighs and hips look a lot smaller than they actually are!" and walked away. Then there was a week where I was having a terrible break out, and my mom made sure to point that out whenever she could.

 

Then there's the friendship that I have with my dad. I'm a hockeyholic, which he is to blame for (he got me into it when I was a kid), so that's mainly how we "bond". We'll watch hockey, talk about it, go to games, ect. We're pretty heavily into it, and now that the playoffs are here, he and I are practically hogging the family room. The computer room is right off the family room, so she'll be in there checking e-mails, ect., come out, shoot daggers at me and then go back upstairs. Or if she doesn't feel like shooting daggers, I'll get up to get a soda or something, come back downstairs and she's in my seat...and then she'll give me a cocky smirk. It's like she thinks we're competing for Dad's attention. The only time I ever see Dad is if it's hockey related, for gods sakes.

 

So what I'm asking is am I completely whack and these aren't signs of jealousy/competition or is something wrong here?

[Ronni_W]

Hi Graciiie.

You could also look at it as your mom's message that she is feeling crappy about herself, and possibly also missing your dad's attention and affection.

 

Of course, her low self-esteem and any depression or unhappiness are not your problems to solve. But, if you want to, you can try to offer compassion and support.

 

It's also not assertive-healthy for you to just let others get away with making snarky comments at you -- doesn't matter if it's your mom or some stranger. It's your self-responsibility to tell people how you want to be treated, and it's not too early to start doing that today. The "rule" is just to communicate in a clear, honest, kind and loving way.

 

For example, when it's about your body (clothing, zits, whatever), you can ignore her actual words and say something like, "Mom, did you mean for that to be unkind?"

Or, "Mom, recently you've been making comments that suggest you're unhappy with your own body. If you're thinking about doing some weight loss and fitness, I'd be happy to be your support buddy."

Or, "Mom, I'm really feeling self-conscious enough about <whatever>. Your comments are not helping and, actually, they're coming across as mean. But that's not like you, so what's it really about?"

 

Basically, communicate your own thoughts and true feelings in a clear, honest, kind and loving way.

 

I know it's difficult to find enough time to do all the things that you want to do, but *maybe* suggesting that you two have a monthly 'coffee hour' together would be beneficial for both of you, and for your relationship.

 

A different idea is to check with any local aesthetic/spa training facilities: Their students sometimes offer low-cost treatments as part of their practicums, and you could book 'mother-daughter' manicures, hair make-overs, massages, waxing, reflexology, whatever-treatments.

 

Best of luck.

[stillafool]

Yes it does sound like your mom is a bit jealous. How old are you? There was a book out a long time ago "My Mother, Myself" I think was the name of it. The book talked about what some mothers experience when their daughters reach puberty and start to develop physcially. You might want to read it. I feel sorry for you that you are experiencing this. No matter what your mom says just know you are a beautiful girl.

[SouthernSunshine]

You're right girlie, your mom is jealous of you. Isn't that sad? My mom is very jealous of me too. She's my friend until a guy walks into the room, ANY guy, it doesn't matter! I don't know what to tell you :\ I have no advice because nothing worked in my situation. I just learned to deal with it.