Parents too abusive

[Dooda]

My parents are abusive. Every time they are confronted with their abuse, they use the same old excuses of : "We love you," or the good old, "everything comes in a context," as in, the reason they acted the way they acted was because of me.

I don't live with them anymore, but they have left me deserted. I feel empty, unwilling, unable, and I have no goal in life. They have left me totally void of anything.

All the choices I have made have been because of them. They forced me to go to military school, they forced me to enter the program am I in in University (which I am failing).

They use abusive and controlling behaviors to manipulate and intimidate me. They will swear at me, break my things (ripping clothes, breaking my electronics), and use violence. This obviously doesn't happen anymore, because I don't let them. I defend myself. I react in the same way that they have been treating me for 18 years.

They kicked me out of the house because I was acting in the same way that they have been acting towards me for as long as I have been living. It wasn't like I consciously woke up and said, hey, I'll start resisting. Subconsciously, I guess I was fed up, and this had a toll on the way I acted and my normal emotional inhibitions. I swear back now, I break their stuff, and I push them if they approach me (my father).

Everytime an argument occurs, they swear at me, and if that doesn't work, they use violence. They beat me up on every level. I just want to forget about it, move on and, and never remember them again. I'm supposed to make the effort to improve the situation, but they do nothing on their part. I am just so tired of this.

They treat me like I'm a piece of garbage, and it has come to the point where I feel like a piece of pure garbage. I have nothing left to do, no life, worst and worst relationships with my friends..... I am lost, alone, and I don't understand what the F*** is going on in my life. Sometimes it's so hard to live like this, and just wonder how I could have been if I grew up in a respecting family that didn't bite each other's heads off every time there is an argument. That's no way to live, for no one.

I have to make the improvement. I am on the verge of just giving up (on everything), and they want ME to make the improvement. Never has it occurred to them to be a bit more supportive and not rip me up every chance they get.

There are a lot of little incidents I could go into just to show how abusive they are, but I'm not willing to, and I feel that that is the past. But, it's what they have done to me that hurts me the most. I have lost everything in my life, everything, and they have no pity or remorse or have any sense of will to lay off me a bit just to find my pace. I am so lost. I am so ****ing lost.

I feel anxious, I feel lost, I feel angry, I feel hatred. If I could just let go of those feelings, take it off like it was a piece of clothing, and let it all go....