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[superwoman20]

Hi, I just need to talk. I'm a 20 year old Irish girl. I live at home with my parents. My problem is with my dad. I've never done great at school but I've always been a good student, who at least always tries. I've been in college now for one year, I've held down numerous jobs and I'm a fairly good daughter. But my dad has never ever supported me at all. I've never been good enough, even if I do well, I haven't improved ENOUGH, in his eyes. Tonight I told him I'm going to run in the Woman's Mini Marathon for Cancer funding. Instead of saying "Good Luck" or even "oh good", he laughed at me and told me that he'd never seen me commit to anything in my life and he doesn't expect I'll succeed in this. I've had enough experience with this, I held my own and explained how I've held down numerous jobs and stayed in college but he takes every opportunity to turn things aroundd to him and his success and his life and my failure to compete. I left the room and went upstairs and cried cos I think I've done well in life and I'm proud of myself. I just wish it would be enough for him.

[norajane]

It never will be enough for him. Some parents are like that. They think if they always point out your shortcomings or focus on your failures or have really high expectations of you, that will somehow magically push you harder to achieve more and do more and be more and be better and succeed more. If they keep telling you that nothing you do is good enough, they think they're motivating you.

 

Men are often competitive with each other and use those tactics with each other - ever listen to guys playing a pick-up game of basketball or football or soccer? They're always busting each other's balls and razzing each other about how terrible they are.

 

This is a horrible way to parent, though! Maybe that's how your dad's father was with him, and that's the only way he learned to parent, instead of being more encouraging and supportive.

 

There are two things to remember: 1) be proud of yourself and celebrate your accomplishments (and savor them) despite anything your dad says, and 2) don't spend your life trying to win his approval. Odds are, he's stuck in this mode and won't change, until maybe he's a lot older when many people tend to mellow.

 

You probably have other people in your life who are supportive - maybe your mom? Go there when you want encouragement and to share your excitement about your plans or accomplishments.

 

Oh, and the 3rd thing to remember: don't substitute boyfriends for your dad...meaning, don't make the mistake of dating guys who are hard to please in order to get their approval as a subsitute/proxy way of getting the approval you can't get from your dad. Believe me, it happens a lot. If you find yourself dating a guy who is never happy with you or belittles you - dump him and date guys who are supportive and proud of you.

 

ETA: This may or may not be the case...but if your dad is very old school...this is common behavior. It's possible he may be proud of you deep down inside, but you'll never hear about it. Without knowing him, it's hard to tell whether that's his thing, or if he's truly dissatisfied. Either way, all the more reason not to take his criticisms to heart. Gain confidence from your achievements and don't worry about pleasing him.

Edited March 31, 2010 by norajane

[turnstone]

What a great reply Norajane.

 

OP, tell us who does congratulate you. Oh, and best of luck with the marathon, let us know how it goes.

[shahkriti0]

Like your reply, norajane.

Hey superwoman, cheer up. My dad was just the same like you explained and I went thru the same feeling that you've been going through till i was in my teens.

Now, I when 've grown up, I realize that it was just his own way of motivating me to always do something better. And now, I'm proud of him that he did that. And you know what, though he never expresses, i know that he's proud of me too. I can make out that.

So gal, my only advice to you is that always take the problems in a positive spirit. Also, if you require an expert's suggestion, do post yr query on the Femina's Website.

[Dooda]

Hey ,

I think norajane said it best.

I have the same type of abusive parents, and the only resolution I can come to in explaining the way they act is that they truly and honestly DO believe that they are acting in my best interest. I'm 19 and going through some hard times.

The abuse with me hasn't only been emotional, but verbal and physical as well.

My father would rip my clothes, break my things, beat me, swear at me. My mother would say things like, "I wish you were never born" or, "piece of garbage". My brother, a little henchman to their ways, would react and copy these actions, thinking he somehow understood why he was acting like this.

Sometimes, intentions are different then actions, and it really gets to me when they say, 'we love you," "we do it all for your best interest", when their ACTIONS show only the opposite. It makes you ask yourself what are you doing wrong. They're saying all of that, something must be wrong with me, right?

 

They'll do everything they can to flip the situation on you. YOU're wrong, YOU did this, YOU did that, YOU're a horrible person, YOU're this and that, but they never take a moment to look at themselves.

I know exactly how you feel, because you can't just think, "Oh, it doesn't matter what my father says, or my mother says." They've been treating you like this forever, and all you can do is think that they are right.

He's your father, and he loves you, just remind him of that. Remind him that you are his daughter. If you tell him that, I'm sure he'll be surprised, because he won't expect it out of you.

Hope this helps.