Why aren't cousins, uncles, and aunts considered family?

[Micki]

I have noticed that some people feel that when their parents pass away that they won't have any family if they don't have siblings or are not close to their siblings.

 

I don't understand that. Cousins, Aunts, and Uncles are your family as well.

 

Cousins are your parents' nieces and nephews. You also share grandparents with cousins. That's a strong bond.

 

Aunts and Uncles are your parents' siblings. If siblings are so close, you should definitely be close to your parents' siblings and their kids, which are your cousins. They are your family.

[ADF]

Technically, you're correct, of course. But I think what can really put distance between extended family members is the death of senior women in the family.

 

Let's face it, the people who keep extended families together are usually women. They are the ones who make holiday plans and so on. Unless men have strong friendship with their cousins, uncles, etc, they tend not to go out of their way to make family plans. There are exceptions, but it is really women who do most of the work that keeps extended families in contact.

[Micki]

Technically, you're correct, of course. But I think what can really put distance between extended family members is the death of senior women in the family.

 

Let's face it, the people who keep extended families together are usually women. They are the ones who make holiday plans and so on. Unless men have strong friendship with their cousins, uncles, etc, they tend not to go out of their way to make family plans. There are exceptions, but it is really women who do most of the work that keeps extended families in contact.

 

Well, in that case, that means that siblings aren't that close, then. Because if sibling are so close, then the siblings would be close to their beloved siblings' child, and both sibling's kids would be close as cousins.

[ADF]

Well, in that case, that means that siblings aren't that close, then. Because if sibling are so close, then the siblings would be close to their beloved siblings' child, and both sibling's kids would be close as cousins.

 

Some siblings are close, but many are not. I work in family law, and I see adult siblings who either hate each other or just don't have much to do with each other all the time.

[Shellz937]

I have noticed that some people feel that when their parents pass away that they won't have any family if they don't have siblings or are not close to their siblings.

 

I don't understand that. Cousins, Aunts, and Uncles are your family as well.

 

Cousins are your parents' nieces and nephews. You also share grandparents with cousins. That's a strong bond.

 

Aunts and Uncles are your parents' siblings. If siblings are so close, you should definitely be close to your parents' siblings and their kids, which are your cousins. They are your family.

 

Don't take this the wrong way...but just because someone is related by blood doesn't make them family. I've walked away from my parents, aunts/uncles, cousins, and grandparents because they weren't what I would consider family.

 

A family is a group of individuals who care for each other, they don't talk behind each other's backs, they are willing to give you the shirt off their back if you need it, and most of all titles don't matter in a family.

 

I walked away from my biological family because they were cut throat sobs. My closest of friends is my family, because I know if I need help they are there 100% for me no matter what, they've prooven this.

 

Although...in some families, relatives act and treat each other how they are suppose to be treated.

[MadysonBelindaRobert]

I only have two sets of Aunts & Uncles, because both my parents both were raised in two child homes, and both of them had sisters. However, I have a good amount of cousins. On my mom's side, my cousins are younger, so we're not close. On my dad's side, we're all similar in age, but they're just kind of... strange (just ask Feeling Failure :tehe:), so we don't really "hang out" a lot. However, I have a few distant cousins who I'm very close to. The one I'm closest to though, is my cousin Jake. He's a few years older than I am, but we have very similar tastes in music, and we're both "musically inclined", so we pretty much click. We go to shows together, and get together at the music store and jam out sometimes. :cute:

 

I love him very much.

 

So, do you enjoy your extended family? Do you have a large extended family? Are you close?

[Stung]

I think this varies by culture and family.

 

In my own rather small family, I have no siblings and my first cousins are all fifteen years older than me, their children fifteen years younger than me. Yet we are close-knit, spending holidays together (including my two aunts), getting together for big occasions (such as my wedding, the birth of my son), getting together at least once a year usually in summer, emailing back and forth etc. We're all in the same state but I live particularly close to one cousin and he and his wife and kid and I get together more often; they are on the will to take care of my son if anything should happen to my husband and myself (even though my husband has many relatives 'closer' in blood)--they also see my parents regularly. A different cousin's oldest daughter might come and live with us for a while next year when she's starting college.

 

My first cousins took on the role of siblings for me in many ways and I consider their kids--I can never remember if they're actually my 2nd cousins or 1st cousins once removed--more like my nieces and nephews. Still, I don't have quite the history with them that someone with siblings does--we're close but I concede that it's not quite the same, and when I'm old I would be unlikely to be able to rely on my 2nd cousins the way I might be able to rely on siblings or my own kids. But you never know what's going to happen that far down the road.

 

My husband has a huge family, and really only associates with his branch of it, even though he also has aunts and cousins who live nearby. He has several siblings and they all have multiple children, so his 'branch' is three times the size of my entire extended family--it's my theory that the sibs expend so much energy on each other that they just don't have emotional energy and holiday time and free babysitting ability etc. left over for their cousins. We see my cousins just as often as we see his sisters, although we're starting to see a couple of the the sisters more and more often as they have babies close in age to ours. All the kids in my husband's family get together frequently, they're like a roving pack of extremely close cousins so I'm sure their generation will remain close when they're older.

[LynnM28]

All very valid points here...I think it is a very individual situation, and if you feel strongly about maintaining those relationships than you should do so to the best of your abilities. Not all family members `jive` as well as others...so if you want to pursue those relationships you should. Sometimes friends are more like family and family are not the people you want to associate with...you get to make those calls to a certain degree :-)

[threebyfate]

Extended family is part of your family. Having said that, it's not just blood that ties. For that matter, some blood ties can be worse than having HIV. This includes your biological immediate family.

 

Having said that, I'm close to most of my family except my sister (makes wrinkly face ), and close to some of my extended family.

[Micki]

 

 

My first cousins took on the role of siblings for me in many ways and I consider their kids--I can never remember if they're actually my 2nd cousins or 1st cousins once removed--more like my nieces and nephews. Still, I don't have quite the history with them that someone with siblings does--we're close but I concede that it's not quite the same, and when I'm old I would be unlikely to be able to rely on my 2nd cousins the way I might be able to rely on siblings or my own kids. But you never know what's going to happen that far down the road.

 

Even if you had siblings and so-called history with them, you still may not be able to rely on them. You might be able to rely on a cousin or friend, just like you can your spouse or child. You don’t have the “history” with your spouse or child, but many rely on their kids or spouses. You don’t need “history” to rely on someone. There are many siblings who don’t rely on each other, despite the “history.”

 

 

-it's my theory that the sibs expend so much energy on each other that they just don't have emotional energy and holiday time and free babysitting ability etc. left over for their cousins.

 

I disagree. Sibs spend a lot of time (if not more) with friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. They don’t just spend time with their sibs. If they can spend time with friends, they can spend time with their cousins, who are their parent’s nieces and nephews.

 

In my opinion, if cousins are not close, then the parents (who are siblings) must not be close, so the theory about siblings being close is not true......otherwise, cousins would be closer.

[Micki]

So, do you enjoy your extended family? Do you have a large extended family? Are you close?

 

Yes, I do....and yes, we are close.

[Pedigree]

I think this varies by culture and family.

 

This is definitely the case.

 

Being Asian, I consider my family to include my extended family as well and not just my parents and siblings. I've got 12 cousins ranging from 29 at the oldest to 10 at the youngest and I can say that 1) cousin is just a technical term as we are more like brothers and sisters and 2) our interactions with each other goes beyond holiday festivities because I'd have day outs with my cousins.

 

Also think that ADF is spot on with regards to the women organizing the things that keeps the family together.

[Stung]

Even if you had siblings and so-called history with them, you still may not be able to rely on them. You might be able to rely on a cousin or friend, just like you can your spouse or child. You don’t have the “history” with your spouse or child, but many rely on their kids or spouses. You don’t need “history” to rely on someone. There are many siblings who don’t rely on each other, despite the “history.”

 

 

 

I disagree. Sibs spend a lot of time (if not more) with friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses. They don’t just spend time with their sibs. If they can spend time with friends, they can spend time with their cousins, who are their parent’s nieces and nephews.

 

In my opinion, if cousins are not close, then the parents (who are siblings) must not be close, so the theory about siblings being close is not true......otherwise, cousins would be closer.

 

 

No need for quotation marks, assuming that siblings are raised together they do have history together, inescapably so. That does not guarantee good feelings nor is it necessarily a happy history, of course, but history together it is. The same DOES go for married people and parents and children, of course. I was talking about being able to rely on people in one's old age, in case of infirmity or destitution. Of course an elderly married couple have history with each other and with their children, I'm not sure what you mean by saying that they don't. Unless my husband and I divorce very quickly, we will spend years building history together (from our future perspective), and since I have children and am actively raising them and participating in their daily lives I am building a history with them.

 

If you read again, I never suggested that everyone can rely on their siblings in their old age, nor that nobody can rely on their children, spouses or friends. I personally of course hope I will be able to rely on my extended cousins and my friends as well as my husband and children in the distant future when/if I am very old and need help, and I would like to think that my cousins and friends could also rely on me for help. I did use the word 'might' pretty liberally and also clearly stated that I could not see into the future. But I stand by my assertion that while I care for my cousins and have a close relationship with them that in some ways mimics the relationships I see others have with their siblings now that we are adults, I simply do not have the amassed history with my cousins that people who are raised alongside their siblings have with those siblings. I did not grow up in a house with my cousins, personally, so this is a simple statement of fact.

 

As for my theory on 'the' siblings I was referring to, I should have been clearer there. I was discussing my husband's family and their dynamic only. My husband's sisters, the ones who are married, do at least nominally spend more time with their SO's and they all spend more time with their kids than with each other, but they spend a truly prodigious amount of time with each other and with all their masses of nieces and nephews. They are in and out of each others lives on a daily basis and in fact several of them live together on a family compound with a whole tribe of children running in and out of each aunt/uncle's house willy-nilly. They socialize almost solely with each other and frankly I just don't see them having the emotional or physical energy or simply the time left over to get involved with their cousins to anywhere near the extent that they are with each other. My husband is an outlier in this regard as he was really the only one to seek independence and we tend to see them as a group only about once a month right now.

 

As for your last point, I agree, more or less. I don't think estranged cousins ALWAYS indicate estranged aunt/uncle relationships, but it's a reasonable guess, for sure. That's why I said that I was sure the current generation of nieces/nephews on my husband's side (my son's cousins) would probably remain close, because their parents are so close and they themselves are in each other's lives frequently.

Edited April 6, 2010 by Stung

[Woggle]

My uncle is the only true family I have ever had. He was there for me when nobody else and when he passes I will mourn his death harder than either of my parents.

[123BeachFan]

I think the extended family (aunts/uncles, cousins) is a stronger bond in countries and cultures where the majority of the family members grow up and then live within the same community. The bond is strengthened from frequent extended family get-togethers, and the extended family is close by, in case of a crisis. It is a practical bond and is part of cultural norm. So, a person who is kicked out of the family (or choses to walk away) is an oddball.

 

Here in America people are more transient, and will move from city to city or state to state. So. it is easy to have your extended family span across the country. Get-togethers involve long haul driving or airline tickets. Calling on family in the event of a crisis involves cell phones and emails. There isn't a cultural expectation for an extended family, so unless there's a strong woman figure ("Grandma") who holds everyone together and arranges frequent holidays and family reunions, the result is a weak extended family.

 

And in America, it's much more acceptable to walk away from a family (or family members) who are dysfunctional or toxic (thank goodness, because I cut some of my family off from my life). There's still some shame associated with it, but it's not paramount like in other cultures.

 

But really, there's a lot of variation. I've known some folks who were very tight with cousins and aunts/unles. But almost always, they lived close together and were able to really bond with those family members. I don't think you are automatically close to someone just because their grandmother is your gramother's sister (or something like that).

[Micki]

I don't think you are automatically close to someone just because their grandmother is your gramother's sister (or something like that).

 

That's true, but people aren't always automatically close to someone just because they share parents (or a parent), either.

[Micki]

No need for quotation marks, assuming that siblings are raised together they do have history together, inescapably so. That does not guarantee good feelings nor is it necessarily a happy history, of course, but history together it is. The same DOES go for married people and parents and children, of course. I was talking about being able to rely on people in one's old age, in case of infirmity or destitution. Of course an elderly married couple have history with each other and with their children, I'm not sure what you mean by saying that they don't. Unless my husband and I divorce very quickly, we will spend years building history together (from our future perspective), and since I have children and am actively raising them and participating in their daily lives I am building a history with them.

 

Well, I do agree that you have history with your spouse and children. However, I feel that people can also have history with friends, uncles, aunts, and cousins.

[Micki]

But I stand by my assertion that while I care for my cousins and have a close relationship with them that in some ways mimics the relationships I see others have with their siblings now that we are adults, I simply do not have the amassed history with my cousins that people who are raised alongside their siblings have with those siblings. I did not grow up in a house with my cousins, personally, so this is a simple statement of fact.

 

But you don't have to grow up with people in the same house to have the same amassed history. You didn't grow up with your spouse or kids. Just because you didn't grow up in the same house with your cousins doesn't make the bond or closeness less than.

 

Plus, not all siblings grow up together. Some siblings don't grow up together due to gaps in ages or because they have a different mother or father. Some cousins, who are around the same age, might hang out together, and see each other often when they were little, either because their grandparents would babysit all the grandchildren, or because their aunts would babysit them, and they would spend time with their aunts kids.

 

And there are many siblings who grow up in the same house together, but become estranged and barely talk with each other. There are many cases where some siblings can't even depend on their siblings to help them take care of their ailing parents. There are forced to do it alone. If the siblings don't care about their own parents, you know the chances are lower for them caring about their siblings. Having amasssed history, apparently, means little or nothing to them.

 

My point is that cousins, friends, in-laws, children, spouses, uncles, and aunts can be depended on just as much or maybe even more so than siblings -- amassed history or not.

Edited April 7, 2010 by Micki