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Relationship with my dad is starting to fall apart


RedCherries

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RedCherries

Sorry, this is really long but if anyone could give me advice on what to do..

 

A little over a month ago, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, quit my job and moved back east from Southern California to live with my family until I get back on my feet. While at first this was a great relief to me, I'm slowly starting to notice that my dad has changed during my 4 year time away from him. He has always been a great influence on me and someone I really respect and look up to and have a lot of fun with. In the last year, he's become very religious and my mom had called me often and told me how it was really wearing on her because he was become overbearing about it. We are a family that goes to church every Sunday since I was a baby but no one but my grandparents were ever really faithful, we almost just went out of habit.

 

Anyway, so my dad has become really religious and he has become extremely critical of me. I'm very sad still about my breakup and have been kind of just moping around the house. He was always somewhat critical, but in a constructive way. Now it is just downright insulting and condescending. He says I am lazy, and that I complain too much, and that I don't help out and goes on and on and on. Anytime we are together for more than 15 minutes, he will come up with something else that is wrong with me. I don't know what to do. It's really making me upset. I feel like he's not trying to help me but he's just nagging. I know I've been away for 4 years but I've been through a lot in the last few months and I really hate that he's basically telling me that I am not a daughter he's proud of.

 

I know I haven't always been the best daughter but I don't understand why he's doing this and what I did to deserve it. He's usually very loving but he's changed. I noticed that he only does this to me though. He's the same man he was to my mom and to my sister. Why is he bullying me? I mean, at dinner the other night, he even went as far as to say that my aversion to onions was "annoying" - I was really surprised. We had ordered a pizza with onions on it (my parents know very well that I hate them) and I told them that it was okay, but I couldn't eat it and I'd get something else to eat. I wasn't obnoxious about it at all! But he kept insisting I had to have a slice and I finally just sort of snapped at him and said "I REALLY don't like onions, please don't force me to eat it." He then proceeded to try to pick all the pieces of onions off and gave me the slice. When I said I could smell the onions on the slice and just PLEASE why couldn't I just not eat it, that's when he said that me not liking onions was annoying. I'll admit I was acting like a baby but I just don't like those damn onions and didn't like him forcing me!

 

Today I tried to be more helpful and patient. He was building a bookcase and I sat by him and helped him with all of it through the very end. He didn't insult me once the whole time and I was really happy but I'm scared of what else he'll say during the next week.

 

I feel bad about feeling this way because he's a very hardworking and honest man but I'm not sure why he's acting out towards me. Any thoughts? Should I just try to be more of what he wants me to be? I can be lazy I'll admit, but goodness I am depressed and lonely! I JUST broke up with my boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry. Can I NOT just have some time to grieve and be sad?

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dreamingoftigers

Tell him straight-up that you feel bullied by him, and specifically too.

If it continues look up some bible verses on tolerance and let him know that regardless of whatever he is firing at you, these are beliefs he is laying claim to. Lastly, inform him that his behaviour is affecting your relationship with him and that it is even becoming harder to even RESPECt someone that is acting like a bully to his own child.

 

That should be enough of a wake-up call.

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Your father is insecured and disappointed with you so he is doing all this stuff.Its hard for him to let u go with someone else.Somewhat he feels betrayed that u didnt care for him enough n thought for ue ex bf.And now u r bak so that 4 yrs aggression is coming now.But dont worrry things wil b fine as time wil pass.Once u assure u r still going to b his child no matter what he will feel better.He was forcing u to eat pizza bcos he wants to have some daddy daughter time togather .Dont take to much negatively.

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Not knowing the whole story here so I don't think I can give a full answer.

4 years may be along time and people do change. His becoming more religous or spiritual is one thing, but something is bothering him.

Hang in there and look for some time to have an open conversation on what is going on in his life.

I am sure he is happy to have you back and close. His knee jerk reactions to things are more about him than you.

Certainly he needs to be respectful of you as a person and a daughter.

Just try to be there for him for whatever is going on and I bet he is there in your corner too.

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RedCherries

Hi everybody, I keep doing this. I forget I posted something and don't check back on it until way later! Thank you all for your responses. I'm afraid of confronting him like one poster suggested. He'll definitely come back at me with some God stuff and I think it'll make the both of us feel worse. I'm not sure what he's going through. We've never been super tight, but we always had a good father/daughter relationship. I don't know if he does feel neglected or what... I guess I could be a better daughter, I just don't know how. He works a lot so we don't have much time to spend together. I'll always be here for him and I know he will for me. I'm still wary of being around him alone and I get nervous because I don't know what might happen. I'm sure things will get better with time. Thank you!!!

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