I have anxiety because of my family member's boyfriend.

[CLC2008]

I am staying with family for the next year or so for financial reasons, mainly to save money.

 

This post is mainly a vent, and by no means to talk negatively about my family, but my anxiety level is tense right now.

 

My family member's boyfriend is driving me bonkers. Not personally, except for the fact that he is over at the house every single day. From the minute I get home from work, he's here, the entire week and weekends. They JUST started dating two months ago, and it's been like this from day one.

 

I have my own life, so its not like I am here all the time. But I feel suffocated and I am not the one dating him. He practically lives here, this is nuts. I can't say anything to my family member, because she'll get mad.

 

I've talked to her Mom about it, she was the one who actually approached me because she doesn't feel comfortable with it either. It's too much too soon.

 

While I realize its none of my business, I do pay a portion of the mortgage so I also think it's a bit selfish to not take the little space I have here, into consideration.

Edited February 9, 2010 by CLC2008

[1013]

Hi there,

I have been through a similar experience.

A houemate and her boyfriend were driving me crazy with their mushiness and constantly being there. I did take a lot to not get angry, but at the end of the day I had to suck it up to avoid conflict, as relations in the house were dodgy to say the least. I would suggest doing something like you and the lady of the house suggesting that this person pays their way a little in the household. This is an indirect way of airing your feelings, I think they will get the mesage that maybe they are taking the piss a little. I also suggest that you lok for a place of your own, you don't sound entirly comfortable with the situation, you seem to be having space issues and this maybe a way of venting a little spleen. The golden rule is, avoid conflict and be as diplomatic as possible. Good Luck!

[CLC2008]

Hi there,

I have been through a similar experience.

A houemate and her boyfriend were driving me crazy with their mushiness and constantly being there. I did take a lot to not get angry, but at the end of the day I had to suck it up to avoid conflict, as relations in the house were dodgy to say the least. I would suggest doing something like you and the lady of the house suggesting that this person pays their way a little in the household. This is an indirect way of airing your feelings, I think they will get the mesage that maybe they are taking the piss a little. I also suggest that you lok for a place of your own, you don't sound entirly comfortable with the situation, you seem to be having space issues and this maybe a way of venting a little spleen. The golden rule is, avoid conflict and be as diplomatic as possible. Good Luck!

 

 

Thanks Betty Boop .

 

They aren't really mushy so it's not the mushiness.

 

I like the suggestion about him paying a portion. From a financial standpoint, it is mainly my aunt's house, but the living spaces (her and my cousins) are separate so to suggest that to my cousin, would most likely offend her and I don't have the patience to deal with her aftermath.

 

I always try to avoid conflict, but when it becomes excessive, sometimes it is hard to filter out properly. I already attempted once, to mention it to my cousin and she became defensive. In fact, it got worse as he is over now moreso versus the first couple of weeks when I first mentioned it.

 

Thanks for the advice, good things to consider.

[CLC2008]

In updating this thread, suffice to say, I no longer have anxiety with my cousins bf being here all the time. It has not been as much as before, he has been focusing more on his career, school, etc. versus being here 24-7.

 

He is actually a pretty descent fella, at least from what I've seen thus far.

 

Though I have a gripe, it's a silly one, but I need to approach him with it.

 

And that is, he has a habit of leaving behind a little treat in the toilet (if you catch my drift).

 

I know sometimes we all forget to flush the toilet, but this has happened quite a few times. And, it's gross.

 

So, what is the best way to mention it to him? Should I leave a note, or just say it to him in person. I don't have an issue telling him, but I don't want him to feel embarrassed because of it.

[Ronni_W]

So, what is the best way to mention it to him?

"Blame" it on the toilet. Say something like, "Just to give you a heads-up, I think this stoopid toilet doesn't flush properly sometimes. So, to not gross-out the next person, pro'ly a good idea for us to double-check and make sure it's 'all clear'."

(If you say, "a good idea for us to <do what you want him to do>", it goes across as his possible solution to a shared problem -- it's not accusatory, blaming or anything else that could more easily offend.)

 

BTW. 'Conflict avoidance' is a maladaptive way of trying to do ANY type of relationship, including romantic. It is a dishonest way of trying to cope, and does nothing to address valid concerns or resolve real problems. People go into therapy to try to eliminate 'conflict avoidance' behaviour.

 

Instead of trying to avoid (deny-ignore) the things that upset you, you may wish to learn how to use assertive communications to express yourself clearly, openly, honestly and kindly. Conflict (disagreements in beliefs, ideas, expectations, likes & dislikes, etc.) is just another a part of life, so it's far better to know how to handle it effectively than minimize-discount your feelings when you're in an uncomfortable situation.

 

The Golden Rule is any version of, "Do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you."

[CLC2008]

"Blame" it on the toilet. Say something like, "Just to give you a heads-up, I think this stoopid toilet doesn't flush properly sometimes. So, to not gross-out the next person, pro'ly a good idea for us to double-check and make sure it's 'all clear'."

(If you say, "a good idea for us to <do what you want him to do>", it goes across as his possible solution to a shared problem -- it's not accusatory, blaming or anything else that could more easily offend.)

 

BTW. 'Conflict avoidance' is a maladaptive way of trying to do ANY type of relationship, including romantic. It is a dishonest way of trying to cope, and does nothing to address valid concerns or resolve real problems. People go into therapy to try to eliminate 'conflict avoidance' behaviour.

 

Instead of trying to avoid (deny-ignore) the things that upset you, you may wish to learn how to use assertive communications to express yourself clearly, openly, honestly and kindly. Conflict (disagreements in beliefs, ideas, expectations, likes & dislikes, etc.) is just another a part of life, so it's far better to know how to handle it effectively than minimize-discount your feelings when you're in an uncomfortable situation.

 

The Golden Rule is any version of, "Do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you."

 

Well my initial thought was to say to him, "dude, stop leaving floaters behind and flush the toilet". But I realize that might be too crass.

 

The way you suggested to mention it, is much better.

 

I did mention it to him, and all is well.

 

Thanks Ronni.