Mother talks about me on the phone

[wierdmunky]

in another language when I'm 10 feet away. She always has something bad to say about us when she has a friend venting about their life, and I find her complaining constantly about her kids (me and my brother) my brother is kicked out of school, and she hasn't said one good thing about him since, I understand her frustration, but this is 4 months ago. She never keeps a venting conversation about us away. I have to leave pissed as hell. We don't have huge family problems, my mom makes them huge and insurmountable. Like it's the end of the world, and whenever she talks about how she feels, she just talks about how bad we are.

 

It's because of this that I feel nothing emotional towards her. I don't feel safe being close to her at all. I don't even want to take the chance. I've actually tried to talk to her in a middle of one of our arguments to try to settle things more maturely to try to get somewhere in our relationship and she gets caught up in the "way" I'm holding her shoulders.

 

I also get offended about the way she talks about other races, and dating. I mentioned something about how this guy was trying to overdue it with me by sending 2 sets of flowers, when I already told him I wasn't interested, and I caught her talking negatively about it to her friend, while I was literally 10 feet away on the computer.

 

I'm not belittling her as a person, but I do question her actions because I feel as though she favors my little sister, and is completely emotionally unsupportive but demands respect. Whenever we hold family meetings about our conflicts she acts like she is really hurt by this, but when we are in the middle of the situation, there is nothing but bad mouthing my character in the middle of the argument. I also TRY MY HARDEST NOT TO SAY anything offensive, but it always seems to come out WRONG EVERY time. Once, I finally ended up snapping and saying, "fine, you know what, your a great mother" and left.

 

I couldn't take it anymore. My patience had ran out, and I was fed up with how she does things, and her excuse is "I'm older, I'm a parent" What is that?? It's like the golden ticket to do whatever makes you feel safe without crossing of what they think is the line, which is not even the line of mine, which I've drawn multiple times, and she just says I'm sensitive. I know I'm not perfect, what I don't like from her as a mother is that she talks like she has no faith. Like I'm never going to get married, or be able to support myself. It's like an undertone of her talking whenever she vents. How can I overcome this whole entire thought, and not care.

[Angel1111]

It sounds more to me like your mother is jealous and intimidated by you. You probably already live a better life than she did when she was your age and she's jealous. If you're old enough to get married, then you must be old enough to get out of the house and live somewhere else. If you haven't been to college, then do that. If you can't afford to live on your own, see if there's a relative you can live with. Or check on roommates.com and see what you can find there. Take control of your life and keep your mother at arms length because she's a negative influence on you and she's extremely immature and insensitive.

[pinklili]

Your mom sounds Asian..

A lot of Asian parents do what your mom does. Like put down their children, think they're right all the time because they're older and their status as parents. Some are gossipy and talk about their children and point out what they see as flaws.

 

My mom does this as well and it's irritating.

A female relative close to me has learned to take whatever my mom says with a grain of salt. She usually asks me for my side of the story and makes her own judgment. As for the other people who are persuaded by your mom that you and your brother are losers..well, do well in life, who cares what they think. Learn to ignore her comments. She clearly doesn't care about how you feel so don't take what she says too seriously. Live your life the way you want to, do what you want to do. Block her out when she starts to badmouth you, put on headsets and listen to some good songs. All of us secretly or openly seek our parent's approval and wish they could be proud of us. Sometimes that's just an unrealistic wish.

Edited January 11, 2010 by pinklili

[wierdmunky]

Thanks for the advice. I feel stuck in a negative emotion. I'm trying hard to do better for myself, but I really get distracted by this, and it's hard not to get into that feel sorry for yourself thinking and just give up. I'm the oldest, and my lil sis is graduating ahead of me and I'm totally happy for her, but I already know how I'm going to hear it and dreading when that day comes. I'm conflicted with being there for her, being a good person for her, and doing what makes me happy. She disapproves of tons of things about me, and I can't say anything back to her because she thinks its wrong, and I can't help the emotions I feel when she sounds like she is not listening to me. I kind of feel like they really don't know me. They think I just like to argue when I really am trying to express myself, and what I need. They keep thinking I'm just being disrespectful. Kind of makes it hard to be any kind of assertive no matter how intricately I try to say things, they have this impression or something. I don't know. I feel like I can't communicate who I am to them. All my life, when I've gone to mom for emotional support she's said I'm too sensitive. My dad has said it's because yes, they're filipino and they are brought up to take whatever their parents give, and to respect them. I've seen both their tempers, and I seriously don't know why they are teaching me this kind of respect, when they can't talk to me on an Adult even level.