This is what happens when you have an affair...

[AppleGirl]

Years ago, I had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy. The father was very immature. And even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, he refused to hold down a job, smoked dope daily and basically wanted to live a life that was unsuitable for a baby.

 

So, I left him and ended up with my husband who raised the baby as his own. My husband loved my son and we never told him the truth because his bio father was such a deadbeat.

 

We saw several therapist regarding this topic when my son was small because I felt that we should tell him, but my husband threatened to throw us both out on our asses if I did. The therapists agreed that we should be open and honest about it but my husband adamantly refused.

 

So, fast forward 9 years and my husband and I are divorced. I couldn't handle the lying anymore, it was killing me to live in fear all the time as all our immediate family including the bio dad's family knew the truth. I knew that someday the truth would catch up to me and bite me in the ass.....and it has.

 

My son's bio grandmother has recently emailed me several times and pleaded with me to let her see my son. Apparently, the entire family...except the bio dad, wants to be involved in my son's life.

 

I am okay with his bio father not wanting to be involved as my ex husband is a terrific father to my son. He is the only father he has ever known.

 

But my question is this.....how do I introduce this bio family of grandmother, aunts, uncles and grandfather???? Who do I say they are? Who do I say they are related to as the bio dad wants nothing to do with him. How do I open up the dialogue without saying "Yeah, the man you've called Daddy all your life isn't your real Dad....your real dad is a complete loser who doesn't want to have anything to do with you and these people are his mother, father, brother and sisters"

 

I am so scared. I don't know what to do now.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation or have any advice for me?

[Ronni_W]

Not really sure. You may want to use a child psychologist to help you with your conversations and explanations. (Your son may also benefit from some counseling after the fact, but I don't mean to get your son involved with therapists at this point.)

 

Also, there may be some useful insights or advice in books/websites that deal with telling the truth to adopted children? I know that's not your specific situation, but it's the closest I can think of. For same reason, adoption of foster child agencies may also be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Best of luck to all of you.

[Trimmer]

How old is your son now?

 

Out of curiosity, did you get a sense of what was behind your ex-husband's adamant refusal to reveal the truth to your son? Did he actually believe - contrary to the advice you got from the therapists - that it was in your son's best interest to keep the information hidden? Or was it pretty clearly about his own insecurity in his position as "father?"

 

I wasn't completely clear - does your son know yet? Are you considering telling him, or not? It seems like he would need to know if you were going to introduce any of his bio-father's family. Really no way to do it otherwise.

 

I don't have a lot of advice on the "what to say about the bio-dad" question, which I realize is central to your post. Have you consulted a counselor about that one?

 

It seems to me that if you break it down, you have several choices to make:

 

(1) Tell him the truth about his bio-father (go to 3), or don't (go to 2).

 

(2) If you don't tell him the truth, then you will need to continue to live with the fabricated truth that ex-h is the father, you won't be able to intorduce the bio-family. Stop here.

 

(3) If you eventually tell him the truth, then that opens up several issues:

 

(a) what effect will it have on your ex-husband's feelings about him. I would hope - for your son's sake - that your ex would not change his feelings. It would be a very petty and extremely insecure man who would change his approach because of that (although he may have already shown that, in threatening to "throw you both out" if you revealed the truth - I didn't like the sound of that one bit...)

 

(b) Your son will certainly have questions about his bio-family, possibly focused largely upon his father. Eventually, the truth that his bio-father doesn't want contact will have to be addressed, and he may develop feelings of loss over that, whether sooner or later. If that loss is properly supported, he may go on to have good relations with others in the bio-family.

 

After thinking this through, I have really uneasy feelings about your ex-husband's stance on this... Threatening to "throw you out" if you revealed a truth that is really "owned" by you and your son really hits me badly. It really sounds like major insecurity on his part, and a selfish intrusion into a matter that was best considered in the context of what it meant to your child, not what it meant to your ex-husband. Maybe I'm reading more into it from scant information, but I don't like the sound of it. Can you shed more light on how he is as a father, and how he might respond/react if you reveal the truth to your son eventually? Is he so petty that he might pull back?

[AppleGirl]

My ex husband is fine with me telling my son about his bio father...now that we are divorced. He plans on to continue in the role of father towards him no matter what.

 

I wish he had felt that way while we were married.

 

I think it was a combination of insecurity and a fear that my son would never consider him his "real dad". I feel sad about it because in reality he has been more of a father to him than his bio dad ever could be.

 

I am scared to tell my son about his bio dad. I am afraid that he will think that there must be something wrong with him because his dad didn't care enough about him to stick around.

 

I am afraid that the fact that bio dad still doesn't want to be involved in his life, but his family does, will be just another kick in the teeth for my son.

 

Maybe I could tell him that his bio dad lives really far away and that is why he can't see him??? He wasn't born in this country and his family all have Welsh accents, so I guess that would sound plausible. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than all this already is going to.

 

I guess I want advice for how do I even start this conversation????? What do I say "Oh, btw Billy, your father isn't really your father"???? I am just at a loss. I don't know how to begin.

[Ronni_W]

What do I say "Oh, btw Billy, your father isn't really your father"???? I am just at a loss. I don't know how to begin.

No. You say something like, "Billy, your dad, the man who has loved you and raised as his own, and who fully intends to continue doing exactly that, is not your biological father."

 

Again, I'd suggest that you do some more research/get help from professionals before having any such conversations.

 

When it gets around to the next conversation, you say something like, "Billy, you are lovable, loved, important, valuable and significant. But your biological father has his own issues that thus far have made it impossible to see you how you really, truly are."

 

Try to keep the terminology separate - your ex and his dad is his "dad", and the other guy is "biological father." Stuff like that, apparently, makes a difference. The professionals will be able to offer you much more, in the way of what is appropriate/helpful and what may be harmful.

[Trimmer]

Again, I'd suggest that you do some more research/get help from professionals before having any such conversations.

Completely agree. Get some knowledgeable help - it's a delicate situation, and there will be some emotions around it, but people have been down this path before. A counselor with experience in this are can give you some really good help with this, probably even tailored to the specific age and developmental level of your son. Note that kids at different ages will need different kinds and amounts of information, may respond differently, etc.

 

When it gets around to the next conversation, you say something like, "Billy, you are lovable, loved, important, valuable and significant. But your biological father has his own issues that thus far have made it impossible to see you how you really, truly are."

Also, it may help to make the point that the biological father left before your son was even born, to distinguish how it was the biological father's issue for leaving, and had nothing to do with your son, who wasn't even on the scene at that time. But again, as with anything I suggest here, I would listen to a counselor on these points, as there may be some ramifications I haven't thought of...

 

Try to keep the terminology separate - your ex and his dad is his "dad", and the other guy is "biological father." Stuff like that, apparently, makes a difference. The professionals will be able to offer you much more, in the way of what is appropriate/helpful and what may be harmful.

Agree. Dad is dad, and always will be. This doesn't change that...

 

 

My ex husband is fine with me telling my son about his bio father...now that we are divorced. He plans on to continue in the role of father towards him no matter what.

Excellent. I feel much better about him now.

 

I wish he had felt that way while we were married.

 

I think it was a combination of insecurity and a fear that my son would never consider him his "real dad". I feel sad about it because in reality he has been more of a father to him than his bio dad ever could be.

So, get past the sad part of that and look at it from the other side and rejoice! Look at that as a positive in your son's life, a father he would not have had if your ex had not taken on that role.

 

I am scared to tell my son about his bio dad. I am afraid that he will think that there must be something wrong with him because his dad didn't care enough about him to stick around.

 

I am afraid that the fact that bio dad still doesn't want to be involved in his life, but his family does, will be just another kick in the teeth for my son.

These are exactly the areas that a good counselor/therapist can help you with. You need to feel confident that you are prepared to tell the story and support your son, and he will gain strength and support from your confidence. Yes, like I said, he may well experience emotions of loss, etc. but that is not only survivable, but potentially a developmental learning experience if handled properly. Loss in life is inevitable. The question of whether it damages us doesn't hinge on shielding people or hiding loss, but rather how well we are supported in our recovery. Go prepare yourself, and get confident that you can do this, and you will be prepared to support your son through it, so he can grow.

 

Maybe I could tell him that his bio dad lives really far away and that is why he can't see him??? He wasn't born in this country and his family all have Welsh accents, so I guess that would sound plausible. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than all this already is going to.

My recommendation is not to reveal an important truth, and then pile deception around it to try to soften it. In a way, to whatever degree you soften it, you will be setting up a hope or expectation in your son that isn't real. For example, if you do this - saying his father is far away and that's why he can't see him - then he's going to very reasonably draw the fantasy conclusion that dad wants to see him but can't because of the distance (based on the falsehood you told him), and he will move forward in his life planning to be able to travel to see dad eventually when he gets older. Talk about setting him up for a fall...

 

So be careful about how you "protect" him from being hurt; you are likely better telling him an age-appropriate version of the real truth, not overdoing it with editorials, or excuses for the bio-father, etc... And then your job in "helping" him deal with it is in emotionally supporting him through that, as well as the constant reassurance that you and "dad" aren't going anywhere...

 

But a final reiteration of my point: don't dive in alone without first talking to someone with experience in this area...

 

(and again, how old is your son? Ten-ish?)

[Lizzie60]

I was in your situation with my daughter.. her bio father didn't want anything to do with both of us..

 

When she was 2 1/2 years old .. my first ex (my MM for 9 years) moved in with me... (his W kicked him out)... he raised her like his own daughter.. she called him dad..

 

I told her the truth when she was about 12 years old.. but didn't tell her much.. just told her that her father was not her real father..

 

Her bio father was an azz...

 

At 17, she decided to meet her bio dad.. (he then accepted to meet her)... she didn't 'click' with him....

 

Anyway.... If I were you.. and since the real father doesn't want to have anything to do with your son.. I would simply forget about the whole famile thing... ask your H if he wants to adopt your son..

 

I wouldn't put your child through any of this mess... you do NOT owe this family anything.. He's YOUR child now.. just YOURS...

 

When he gets older and can fully understand ... you can tell him the whole story....

 

I never told my daughter that her bio dad was a good man ... he was an azz.. and I've always been honest about it... He dumped me when I was pregnant and in a lot of hardship financially since I was in college.. and had no support from anyone.. so I didn't feel I owed him anything.. certainly not the 'admiration' from his daughter..

[Devil Inside]

Hey Apple

 

I am a family therapist. A lot of my clients come from social services, and many are people that have adopted through the system, either children in or out of their family. The above posters were right in that this situation is similar to one in which there was an adoption.

 

The current view on talking to children about their biological family is that you do it. It will be very important for his self identity and there are a host of issues that can come up as he nears adolescence.

 

If I were you I would find a family therapist experienced with adoption. They can help you with the wording and with setting up boundaries with his biological father's extended family.

 

I also sense that you are carrying a lot of guilt because of how your son was conceived. You need to forgive yourself of this. This does not need to be part of the explanation.

 

I can tell you are a a loving mother. Your son also had a loving "dad." He is lucky and will be just fine. Tell him the truth...it will be ok.

[Trimmer]

I can tell you are a a loving mother. Your son also had a loving "dad." He is lucky and will be just fine. Tell him the truth...it will be ok.

 

Just wanted to point out that it sounds like the son still has a loving dad, who is intending to stay put in his life. I'm glad for that.

[AppleGirl]

Hey Apple

Tell him the truth...it will be ok.

 

This is the best possible thing you could have said to me, so DI, thank you so much.

 

That is what I needed to hear, that the walls weren't going to come tumbling down and my son wasn't going to crawl into the fetal position once I told him.

 

I actually told him last night.

 

It was the hardest conversation I have ever had. I started off talking about how the world is made up of all different types of families and I gave him examples from people he knew and we went from there.

 

I told him about his bio father and how sometimes it is possible to have two fathers. I reiterated how his bio father left before he was born and then his DAD was there and has loved him from the moment he was born. I told him that his DAD was the first person to ever hold him and that he was always going to be his DAD, no matter what.

 

I told him that his bio grandmother, aunt and uncle would like to meet him..and then he asked if he could meet his bio father. And I told him the truth, that he lived 3 hours away, that he had a lot going on in his life and didn't have a place in his life for my son. I told him that maybe someday that would change and maybe it wouldn't. But for now, he had a bunch of new people that were related to him that would like to meet him.

 

Then I asked him if he would like to see pictures of these people and he said "yes". So, we looked at pictures of everyone. Then he said "Come on Mom, let's go read a book together".

 

I asked him how he felt about all this news and he responded with "Good". I don't know if he really understands what is going on

 

I explained everything in kid's terms and he asked pertinent questions, such as "Ohhh, so you mean that XXXXX was really supposed to be my Dad. But Dad is my Dad now?". We talked about it in a positive way, not like it was something to be ashamed of but rather like something that just IS.

 

I have been carrying this secret for so many years and I thought I would feel more relief about telling him...but I only feel sadness. I don't know if he really understands. I don't know if there will be more questions at some point. I just don't know what to expect now.

[Ronni_W]

Well done, AppleGirl!!! I know it's not really my place, but I am very proud of you!!! Excellent job, by the sounds of it!!!

 

Your sadness is totally understandable. Reminding me of that RadioHead song that goes, "bruises that won't heal." Sometimes we just learn to live with the fact there will be feelings of melancholy around some and other events and circumstances over which we had no control (or even if we did, really.)

 

It's fine to allow yourself to feel that and, if it starts to become your overwhelming focus and mindset, then perhaps a visit to a loss/grief counselor.

 

Hugs and best wishes to you and your son...I hope he will experience much love and acceptance with his soon-to-be extended family, and that you will be embraced by them, as well.

[AppleGirl]

Thank you RW..thank you very much. I am kind of proud of myself too