Jump to content

Dysfunctional and Abusive Family, Im Just the Black Sheep and Scapegoat :(


xxxheartbrokenxxx

Recommended Posts

xxxheartbrokenxxx

My family have always been very abusive and unsupportive towards me, occasionally my parents would beat me and I spent most of my childhood very scared and lacking confidence.

 

I moved out of the family home 4 years ago and came to terms with the situation and accepted that it is what it is and they are set in their ways and wont change now.

 

But recent events have really got to me and I need to vent here.

 

My Father had a stroke 4 months ago and my Mothers attitude has absolutely stunk. They are broke as my Dad has been unable to work for obvious reasons, she refuses to get a job yet continues to buy clothes etc for herself.

 

She has joined facebook and is behaving very destructively on there, she adds complete strangers and has added loads of mine and my 2 sisters friends but writes totally embarassing status updates on there and everyone can see them. Most disturbingly she added this musician from Europe and has been exchanging email after email with him, Ive heard from my sisters that she has allowed him to jerk off on a webcam to her. Apparently she also told my sister that this guy wants to f*** all of us, and my Mom is feeding his perverted fantasies by sending him pictures of me and my sisters without our consent. :sick:

 

I am furious about this as Im not happy about the thought of someone I dont know jerking off over us, and knowing what we look like - and my Mom being so disrespectful and allowing him to make such remarks about her daughters. But unless she mentions us he doesnt talk to her so I guess she feels she has to keep him interested and doesnt care who she s***s on to get what she wants. And so awful as her husband has just had a stroke and knows nothing, she even announced she was going to go to Italy to visit this guy 'as a friend' (despite never having been abroad in her life!) Jus totally disgusting, my sisters are worried she will cause my father to have another stroke with her dispicable behaviour.

 

And to top it off she has added a guy I was involved with and had a massive crush on 10 years ago, and keeps commenting on his wall she has blatantly done this to wind me up for some reason. URGH. :mad:

 

All my Mom ever seems to do is get deep satisfaction from causing me problems which is further damaging me as I have enough issues already!

 

I cannot bear to look at her, I have had swine flu and been very poorly from it for over 2 months now and had to go for tests, she knows none of this because she hasn't called me. I have a sight threatening eye disease that requires quarterly appointments which I go to alone, the lack of support is just disgraceful.

 

Another thing while I remember, I will give you all an example of the unfairness; when I lived at home I was forced to pay keep even though I was in a poorly paid waitressing job at the time and just 20 years old, my sister who is 24 has never paid a THING at home and now has a lecturing job at the local college which pays her very well, and my parents have turned down her offer of money! Wheres the justice?! And they deny theres favoritism...:rolleyes:

 

Because of how Im generally treated by my parents (far too many things to go into on here, this thread is getting long enough as it is!) my sisters and any friends of the family have sort of been 'conditioned' to treat me unfairly as well. I recently had a holiday with one of my sisters and we argued non stop because she was just damn awful towards me.

 

I feel bad as I would like to go home and see my sisters and Im worried my Dad thinks I dont care enough to visit him but how can I face my Mom? I feel so angry about everything. But with Christmas coming up I will have to face the inevitable...

Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl

Wow you have touched on a lot of issues here - but not given enough detail for meaningful input. I understand why - so let me just say this. You need to work on YOU and how YOU react to your mother before you can deal with her at all.

 

To be honest I think you will be best served by just getting over the favortism. It is what it is - each child has their own relationship with their parents, and that will not change. So don't waste your time or energy on it.

 

You need to learn the you can only control what you do - not what they do. Once you can retain control of yourself in their presence - I think the next thing you will need to do is set boundaries.

 

It's really very simple, if your mother continues to send your image to some man fo rhis sexual pleasure - you can tell her you will sue her. You are an adult, you have a right to control who sees your image. You choose not to post these pictures of yourself on the internet, she has no right to do so. No further discussion on the matter. Although if you learn that she does it again - you need to be prepared to follow through - so perhaps suing is a bad thing to say - perhaps you just say i fyou do this, I will no longer speak to you - and do that.

 

As far as people treating you badly - again set boundaries. If they say or do somethng that you find objectionable - tell them so and tell them if they do it again, you will have to make sure they get no further chances - by removing yourself from their presence.

 

This will take strength and courage. It is easy to yell and scream - it is very hard to remain poised, confident and calm. That is why I said you need to start by working on yourself.

 

I know this because I was in a similar situation at your age (I'm assuming mid to upper 20's).

 

Good luck to you - keep posting

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
xxxheartbrokenxxx
Wow you have touched on a lot of issues here - but not given enough detail for meaningful input. I understand why - so let me just say this. You need to work on YOU and how YOU react to your mother before you can deal with her at all.

 

To be honest I think you will be best served by just getting over the favortism. It is what it is - each child has their own relationship with their parents, and that will not change. So don't waste your time or energy on it.

 

You need to learn the you can only control what you do - not what they do. Once you can retain control of yourself in their presence - I think the next thing you will need to do is set boundaries.

 

It's really very simple, if your mother continues to send your image to some man fo rhis sexual pleasure - you can tell her you will sue her. You are an adult, you have a right to control who sees your image. You choose not to post these pictures of yourself on the internet, she has no right to do so. No further discussion on the matter. Although if you learn that she does it again - you need to be prepared to follow through - so perhaps suing is a bad thing to say - perhaps you just say i fyou do this, I will no longer speak to you - and do that.

 

As far as people treating you badly - again set boundaries. If they say or do somethng that you find objectionable - tell them so and tell them if they do it again, you will have to make sure they get no further chances - by removing yourself from their presence.

 

This will take strength and courage. It is easy to yell and scream - it is very hard to remain poised, confident and calm. That is why I said you need to start by working on yourself.

 

I know this because I was in a similar situation at your age (I'm assuming mid to upper 20's).

 

Good luck to you - keep posting

 

Yeah you guessed it - Im 27, I know I should have probably accepted that my parents least favorite daughter is me but find it so unfair, especially when my sisters tend to land on their feet but for me life is just always an uphill struggle. You know, out of all 3 daughters - I am the one crying out for help and have had so many problems to deal with, yet all they ever do is give credit where its not due - to my sisters. Even that is very seldom though, as parents they have been very emotionally selfish and not been particularly encouraging to any of us -its just they have always treated me the worst by far. In fact, they even blame me for their marriage problems! That its all my fault for playing one off against the other and being such an evil child - yes they have told this since I was a toddler. My Mom also suffered severe depression when I was a baby and again blamed me for being such a horrible child. Urgh.

 

Her latest behaviour on Facebook and under the difficult circumstances of my Father being ill right now is just more than I can stand, especially when shes THAT self absorbed that she cant even pick up the phone to find out how Im doing when Im living all alone in this town far from the family, have recently been through a once in a lifetime heartbreak (see all my other threads!) and have been very poorly from swine flu for a long time now. So I am not doing well physically or emotinally.

 

I cant remember the last time she rang me but it has been about 4 months since we actually spoke on the phone. I dont see her much as I live a 3 hour drive away and have understandably avoided going to visit home these last couple of months - only went home on a regular basis before because my Father was ill in hospital.

 

I cannot stay away forever but facing the music will be very hard. I guess I am expected to go home for Christmas though. I will try the cause and effect examples you suggested, and mean it when I threaten/promise!

Link to post
Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl

But before you do that - you need to work on you. Stop expecting them to behave in any other manner than the one they have in the past. You are disappointed that they haven't called you, you are disappointed that you are on your own and ill, etc.

 

While all these disappointments are totally understandable - they are only brining you down. STOP having expectations of them, and then they can never disappoint you. If you assume they will be have badly - they can never disappoint you - perhaps they may even pleasantly surprise you.

 

I know it is not easy - I've been there. At your age I would have reacted exactly the same way - sat at home feeling sorry for myself wondering how to avoid them for the rest of my life while dreading having to see them.

 

This weekend was Rosh Hashannah - a very big jewish holiday. I came down with the flu on Monday - and was in bed all week. It was agreed by all that I could not attend the holidays for fear of exposing everyone else to the flu (especially the brand new grandson). They just all proceeded with their plans - thinking nothing of me.

 

I realized friday afternoon that i had NONE of the traditional holiday food in my house -in fact I had no food because I had been sick all week and didn't expect to be home for the holiday. I called a friend and just asked if she could please bring me an apple. Then yesterday my mother got all miffed because I was well enough to make dinner for my b/f.

 

While I had no expectations of her - I said "Mother there is practically no food in my house, and I have not had any of the traditional holiday foods, but we still need to eat - what would you like me to do?"

 

She was HORRIFIED - she realized, without my saying anything - that while she was annoyed with me that I could not be where she wanted me to be - she had not once made sure I was ok or taken care of. I told her no issue - I had no expecations of her. (FYI that only embarrassed her further).

 

Trust me had this been either of my siblings - she would have been cooking in their houses, but I'm just pushed aside. And you know what? I was grateful! I was thrilled that I no longer had expectations so I was not upset, and was poised enough to not take her cr@p when she tried it.

 

I am sharing all this not to bore you - but to tell you it never stops - and that is why the most important thing for you to focus on and work on is YOU.

 

I'm here for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
xxxheartbrokenxxx

Thanks for sharing that with me and being here for me. :)

 

It sounds very similar to how my family would have behaved towards me had I been in your shoes.

 

In fact when I was ill with swine and so bad that I couldnt go out, I had no one at all to get groceries for me as even my roommates were all away! I had to force myself to get out of bed at one point just to buy some drinks and medicine from the shop and felt so sorry for myself that even in this situation I was all alone with no one to look after me. It was a nightmare so I really feel for you.

 

I will have to have a look at your previous posts to find out more about your situation but I gather from what you have said already it is very similar to mine with regards to your 'position' in the family.

 

How many siblings do you have?

 

Do you have plenty of close friends you can lean on for support?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...