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My ex mother in law is dying...


silverfish

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I got the phone call from my ex tonight. His Mum is dying, and the doctors have said they will not resusitate her if she crashes again now because she's 'been through enough'.

 

We have 2 children, and we split 18 months ago. During the conversation he said he 'needed me' to be there. He has never said the magic words 'I want us to try again'. He has a girlfriend I think....

 

They live 4 hours away. I havent seen anyone in his family for over a year, apart from his Mum. We were / are very close, but she wouldn't recognise me if I visited.

 

I am sick with worry and stress, I can't get any impartial advice, and I need to make a decision by tomorrow.

 

What do I do?

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because y'all have babies together, I feel it's only right that you go be with their father and grandma as a show of support. Those ties your ex forged with you through those kids are strong ... as is your bond to his mom. While she may not know you are there, HE will and so will your kids ... and that's who needs you most.

 

are you able to go, and would you have a place to stay? Can you take the kids with you?

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Thanks for replying...I should be asleep, but I can't think straight.

 

I was supposed to be going away on Sunday on a sailing trip - my 1st week off since my ex MIL last came down to stay in August 2008 and look after the boys....I've already cancelled it twice, so hopefully they will let me postpone it again.

 

If I go, I would have to stay my ex's old family home, with him, his brothers, sister, Dad, and Grandma. I would have to take the kids, and although I have been in touch with his family (mostly by phone / internet) I haven't seen them all since the split. I'm not really sure there is room for us as it sounds like everyone is showing up today...

 

I am also a bit worried about the situation with my ex. I am not with anyone right now, but that's mainly because I am not over him and the way the relationship ended. I don't want to make things worse by opening up old wounds between us at a really emotional time for him - does that make sense?

 

On the other hand, I think I will regret not going, and not being there. My mum thinks it's ridiculous that I am even thinking about going, because she thinks i will get hurt again. Her words were - 'do you think he'll be there for you when I die?' - she's possibly right, but life doesn't work like that for me.

 

Maybe part of it is hearing that he 'needs me'. That's confusing me, because really, the way he acted towards me until quite recently, I'd have thought I'd be the last person he'd want to see.

 

I had a long conversation today with a friend who lost her mum, about taking the boys to see their grandma. Her advice was don't let them go & see her, because that's how they'll remember her - they are 9 & 11 - has anyone else had to make a decision like this?

 

If I cancel the trip tomorrow though, it'll buy me a bit more time....

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IMO, leave him and his 'needs' out of the picture. Is this a woman who treated you well and loved you and your children? Focus on that. It sounds like your relationship with her continued in a healthy way after you and he split. This says a lot about her and her positive influence in your lives.

 

Dying isn't like in the movies. It's a very unpleasant to experience, IME. It's a scary reminder of mortality. She might not recognize you; you will recognize her and the love you shared.

 

My sympathies for the difficult decision you face. You'll face another after she dies, that being the funeral.

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Your mother asked a really good question. Do you think your ex would do the same were the roles reversed?

Did you get along well with his mom? I'd say that if you had a good relationship with her it would be nice if you went...at least you will feel okay with yourself. :) Just no matter how much he might need you, do not allow yourself to get close to him. I think it's just fair that if he needs you, to have you close to him the minimun he can do is sort out his mind and decide that he wants to try again.

I also agree with the advice you received about not taking kids with you.

 

If you go, the best of luck to you!

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as much water under the bridge as there is between you and him, the primary reason you'll be going is for HER and for your KIDS ... while you may not want them to see their grandma like this, allowing them to grieve with family might something that helps them deal with their loss – and yours.

 

as far as "what would he do?" – totally irrelevant. He's gonna do what whatever he does; you, on the other hand, will do as you see fit. Who knows? This gesture might show him that while you and he are no longer a couple, compassion has no boundaries.

 

get the housing situation squared away before making a complete commitment. You're having to travel a good distance with two rugrats, and you'll be needing a place to stay, even if it's just overnight.

 

I know this is a hard thing for you right now, but you're a strong lady with her heart in the right place.

 

hugs,

quank

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Thanks for all the help. I have really struggled with this one because I've not so far had to deal with the death of someone close in my life before.

 

I cancelled the trip and have been getting daily updates from my ex. It's been lovely talking to him, but I know it's not real...

 

All her kids were up there over the w/end, and now they are all going back to their families because it's just a matter of time before she dies now. Tomorrow morning my ex and his Dad are going in to make the decision to stop all intervention, and then it'll probably be a matter of days.

 

I had a talk with my boys today. We all had a cry and decided we are going up there on Thursday. My job is going to be dealing with the practicalities I think (I can do that). We've agreed we aren't going to visit - no point now.

 

So...put the boys to bed and we all sang 'Stand By Me' (my oldest is learning it at school), and that really sums up my surrogate mum really...she always put us lot before herself, and I used to think it was a bad thing, but that's what i am about to do by going up there and seeing my ex, his dad, his family....I know it's the right thing to do

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She died yesterday morning. I am going up there on Friday, funeral is on Monday or Tuesday. I think it's going to be very very difficult, and not just for the obvious reasons....

 

It all feels a bit surreal at the moment, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do all the rational / sensible things I need to do. My boys are very very upset and it's breaking my heart to see them go through this.

 

My parents are divorced, and she was their closest grandparent. My mum & dad and their new partners are not going to be up to the job really....I wish it wasn't like that. I wish my mum could step up now, but she's never been interested in my kids. I wish they didn't have to go through this

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