Evil step-mother or difficult child?

[Cora]

I don't know what to believe, but my cousin is always complaining to me about her soon to be step-daughter. Long story short....cousin met this guy, got pregnant, guy already has a 13 year old daughter, cousin already has a 4 year old daughter, now expecting girl number three, they all decide to move in together, one big happy family etc. My cousin and this new guy are even planning on getting married soon, but not rushing things since this will be marriage number three for the both of them.

 

Anyway, I have met the 13 year old and she seems just as sweet as can be. I know appearances can be decieving, but she seems like a great girl and me and her have kind of became buddies. My cousin on the other hand says that she is nothing but a liar and a very bad kid, needs her a** tore up etc. I am shocked by this because my cousin isn't normally like this and would never say anything like this about her biological child. I don't know how true this is, but my cousin says the 13 year old will call her dad at work and tell him that my cousin is yelling and cursing at her and that he needs to come home right away. My cousin said that the girl also called up her dads ex (not her mother, but another ex) one day because apparently they are very close and told the ex to come by and see their new house. So here was this ex in my cousins and soon to be husbands new house. Cousin said the 13 year old did this because she knows my cousin can't stand the ex. Maybe I'm naive, but I find it hard to believe that this girl could be so vicious!

 

Even if this is true I could see why the girl would possibly act out like this. I mean she has had to make a lot of adjustments. She has had to move into a new home with her dad, soon to be step-mother, step-sister and new half sister on the way. All of this combined with the awkwardness of being a teenager. My cousin was also complaining that this girl is already calling her mom and that she finds it a bit too soon because it has only been six months since all of these arrangements have taken place. Maybe I just don't get it, but my cousin is always talking about how she wants this family to work yet it's like she isn't even trying to get along with this guys daughter. She is always calling her an evil child and telling her if she doesn't behave she can pack her bags and go back home to live with her mother.

 

Now my cousin is great with kids and is wonderful with her own daughter, but for some reason just can't seem to get along with this girl. I don't know if it's because this girl really is as difficult as my cousin says, or if it's because my cousin isn't used to dealing with teenagers, maybe because she isn't my cousins biological daughter, or perhaps a bit of all three? I know this is all new for my cousin as well and that she has also had to make a lot of adjustments. It just seems like my cousin complains about her an awful lot. I really don't know what to say to my cousin when she goes on about this to me. I just wonder how long things can work like this?

[quankanne]

sounds like it's a little bit of everything. Are your cousin and her fiancé willing to go to family counselling? That might help give everyone the tools needed to work on this blended family relationship ... I imagine that this teen is feeling very insecure now that Dad's gonna have another baby. She's already been "replaced" by cousin and her daughter, and now there's a baby on the way. That's enough to mess with ANYONE'S mind, much less that of a young kid who doesn't know how to handle it.

 

that both trust you is an honor indeed. Use that as a way of helping each to see/understand the other's point of view, and to suggest ways of finding things to strenghten their bond. For example, you can assure both that they have more in common than not, and that it just takes a little bit of smart thinking to figure out what'll make the relationship work. My guess is that this girl is doing her best to make your cousin miserable because SHE feels miserable. Once your cousin can understand this and find a solution where both are satisfied, things will settle down.

[Eve]

Sounds as though your cousin is in full swing family mode and the chances are she has forgotten what it is to be 13 years old. The girl will now be far more interested in developing her life and not slotting into any utopian vision of familyhood. If I were you I would not side with either of them. Just remind them of their good qualities every now and then when they each begin to think the world revolves around them .. and war breaks out!

 

This probably will be quite a battle unless some middle ground is found. Especially once your cousin hits that nesting point of her pregnancy! I would arrange space for the young person to talk to someone away from the family, say at school and encourage your cousin to back off the big happy families idea. It would be a good idea to instead concentrate on making the young person know that she still has her dad first and foremost. If this is going to work your cousin has to give the young person space and realise that young people do not need a reason to be stroppy, ignorant and everything inbetween. I bet half that time other things are going on but she has nowhere to turn. I am glad that she has you to talk to. I am glad that they both do.

 

Dad needs to be leading here, otherwise quite simply your cousin is screwed.

 

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[aznprincess]

Make her feel that you are there and so is the family, not only the mom. It could be a phase that the mom is going through and we dont know it. I understand that you dont want her to be exposed to that kind of environment but the child is still very young and she has no choice but to deal with them.. talk to the family..

[missdependant]

I feel bad for the 13 year old. Her life sounds confusing.. having a bitter stepmom doesn't help, feeling like second place (in comparison to the 4 year old) probably isn't fun either. Sounds like the entire group needs a bunch of counseling.

[Flyleaf7889]

Tell your cousin to back off! This is a whole new world for the kid and she just keeps pushing all of this in her face! First her parent's divorce, then her dad's re-marrying, now all this happy, sunshiney, rainbow-land fantasy family. Her head's probably spinning! Give her some time and space and she'll come around. If she's living away from mom, that's also difficult. Just be there for her and tell your cousin to be a little more sympathetic. Also, maybe her and the kid could do some sort of bonding? If they find common ground, they'll enjoy being with each other more.

 

Just my 2 cents. =)

[joliegems]

Sometimes stepparents expect children to adjust immediately to the new situation. This is not always the case and teens can be sneaky or act out. At them same time they are teens, they are not fully understanding adults and they should not be expected to handle the situation as an adult would. I bet there is some hidden jealousy on both their parts. Stepparents don't immediatly start loving or caring for stepchildren as they do their own children and they tend to act more harshly to them and be less lenient than with their own.

 

I think they need family counseling and the new stepmom needs to be supportive and caring. If the girl feels she is hostile to her and taking her dad how can she not dislike her. Maybe her birth mother is stirring things up behind the scences.

 

There are so many unknowns, the only real way to set this straight before a real dislike or hatred develops is to have all sides to go to counseling to work this out.