neveragain2493 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 I'm upset because of something huge happening today. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad since I was two.. rather, he hasn't talked to me. It was a bad divorce for my mom, and she went through a lot, but she raised me. During the divorce, my dad lied, followed my mom, threatened to kidnap me.. Today, my dad's sister started talking to me, and I found out my dad had a Facebook, so I added him. She was telling me how much he loved me and how happy he'd be to talk to me again. I was afraid to tell my mother because I knew it would hurt her. My mom came home and flipped like I knew she would.. And when she asked if I'd talked to my dad, I said no. I technically had not talked to him. She found out I added him, and she's saying she can't trust me anymore. She's saying I lied. She's all upset, saying my dad's lying to me and feeding me s***, and she says she's not getting any recognition for taking care of me when he is. I know my mom raised me, and I'm old and smart enough to see through any lies. He is not someone I love. I just want to know him better. I knew it would hurt my mom's feelings, but if I knew my mom wasn't going to trust me again, I wouldn't have even bothered contacting him. It just really hurts me. I've been sobbing about this for hours. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 sounds like your mom is making it a point of you "choosing sides," rather than seeing it as a natural curiosity on your end. You might be able to forge a relationship with your pop, you might decide that he really is a jerk, but those are things that YOU must decide, not your mom. explain to her that you love her deeply, that you are not doing this to hurt her, but you're curious about the man who fathered you. Learning more about him isn't going to make you stop loving or respecting her, and that you hope she can understand this. Oh, and that if it weren't for such a good job she's done raising you, you wouldn't feel confident about this at all. I know, it's buttering her up some, but I think foremost you need to assure her that you're not deserting her, because I imagine that's her worst nightmare. However, you need to make a stand if this is important to you, otherwise, she's going to spend the rest of her life thinking she's got to control every little aspect about you when it comes to something she fears. She needs to grow, too, you know? hugs, q Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Yeah, they always make you choose in the end. Frankly, your mother is being selfish. And really, she'll get over it. She's using guilt to make you stop any contact with him, even though all you did was press a button on Facebook. If it is important to you to get know your father, you should. You aren't responsible for your mother. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Your father abandoning his parental responsibilities to you was emotionally abusive to both you and your mother. It sounds like your mother is afraid of your father's abusive behavior and she's also probably angry about the punishless crime he committed against her child and the fact that he got away with it. Be realistic about the type of parent that he has been to you rather than the fantasy of who and how you wish he had been. You and your mom may be able to have a more calm discussion after she's had a few days to think about it. She may have initially had some sort of post traumatic stress anxiety reaction when she first heard about the contact with the aunt on facebook. This might also be an opportunity for her to collect any owed back child support or perhaps pursue money for you a car or college so she might be receptive to that angle if you include that in a discussion with her. If after a few days your mother is still opposed to the idea of you being in contact with him, I'd recommend that you wait until you're out on your own and fully financially responsible for yourself before you begin to pursue a relationship with him. You may feel differently about it later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain2493 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Share Posted June 24, 2009 Thanks for the advice. When she got upset, my mom told my grandfather. I had a talk with him, and he told me there was nothing I could do about it. He said it was just 'one of those things'. He told me he would talk to her about it because he knew I was becoming an adult and had questions of my own. He explained to me that when I was born, my dad wasn't ready to take care of a baby, and he realized it later. He stayed out of my life to avoid paying child support since he knew my mom and grandparents could take care of me. Yesterday, my mom acted better. She asked, "So.. have you talked to your dad yet?", and I told her no. I hadn't because I wanted her to know I was thinking about it. She said, "You can talk to him. I just don't want you to be sucked in." I explained to her that I wasn't taking sides. I told her I was old enough to think for myself and to know she was right. She mentioned a couple of things about his Facebook profile, so I knew she had looked at it without me knowing. I did talk to my dad for a little bit. He was telling me how beautiful he and the family thought I was, about his stepdaughters and the one on the way, and he told me I could call him when I was ready. I am still being wary about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author neveragain2493 Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Need more help. Dad is writing me on Facebook, and he says not to call or see him until I'm ready. The only problem is, Mom keeps reading what we're saying. She says she's looking out for me, but I think she's paranoid. She brings up the stuff he says a lot, and sometimes it's in a negative way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Set-up a private email account and ask your dad to use that, instead -- hotmail, gmail, yahoo, whatever. Reassure your mom that you're not going anywhere, and you have more than enough love in your heart for her and many, many other people, too. Let her know how very much you appreciate her care and concern but that you are feeling a bit crowded by her interest. You know that's not her intent, but it's happening nonetheless. You do have the right to develop your relationship with your dad in private. What your mom is doing is called 'enmeshment' -- involving herself in a relationship in which she does not appropriately belong. If she were to start giving you messages to give to him, that is 'triangulation' -- putting a third party in the middle of a relationship/communication. Which is to say, it is NOT necessary for you to just suffer your mom's interference in silence. You can ask her, lovingly and clearly, to back off. You deserve to develop and have your own relationships with other people. Best of luck with all of it. I do wish you the very best outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Tell your mother that while you understand she does not want a relationship with your father, you do. That you want some privacy, and you don't want to triangulate the relationship (see this site for an explanation of triangulating a relationship). http://www.ehow.com/how_4864612_not-triangulate-friendship-relationship.html Your mother should be confident that she raised you the 'right' way to deal with this issue on your own. Tell her you need to get to know your father, and you cannot feel comfortable with her looking over your shoulder. You can speak to your grandfather first, and get him to speak to your mom first, and then when she has had time to think it over, then you speak to her. She should be more receptive. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Your father disappeared when you were two years old, after he had threatened to kidnap you. He also has not paid any child support. That's child abuse and neglect. It would be irresponsible if your mother wasn't concerned about what he says or does to you. Your father hasn't really done anything to show that his behavior towards you has changed other than contacting you on facebook. He needs to payback the child support that he owes and start acting like a responsible parent. Rather than just taking what he wants from the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Well, I'm going to put myself in your Mother's shoes and offer you that perspective. I have some experience with this in my own life and some fears regarding my own daughter and her Father, in the future. When you born up until there was no contact...your dad was selfish. He either didnt want to or didnt have the emotional skills to put his child first. Some parents like this simply do the minimum of what they have to do. They dont help, but they dont hurt. Your dad not only didnt help, he made things worse. Your mom protected you. From him.Period. I do the same for my daughter, in the limited capacity that I can because he does see her. My fear is that when she is old enough to make decisions on her own , she will trust him blindly. And he cannot not be trusted. He will hurt her. I have had to tell her that love and trust dont necessarily go hand in hand. Talk to your Mom. She feels threatened as a parent, but mostly she feels protective of you. She would lay down her life for you, whether you felt you needed it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Well, I'm going to put myself in your Mother's shoes and offer you that perspective. I have some experience with this in my own life and some fears regarding my own daughter and her Father, in the future. When you born up until there was no contact...your dad was selfish. He either didnt want to or didnt have the emotional skills to put his child first. Some parents like this simply do the minimum of what they have to do. They dont help, but they dont hurt. Your dad not only didnt help, he made things worse. Your mom protected you. From him.Period. I do the same for my daughter, in the limited capacity that I can because he does see her. My fear is that when she is old enough to make decisions on her own , she will trust him blindly. And he cannot not be trusted. He will hurt her. I have had to tell her that love and trust dont necessarily go hand in hand. Talk to your Mom. She feels threatened as a parent, but mostly she feels protective of you. She would lay down her life for you, whether you felt you needed it or not. I agree with everything you said except the part that "they don't hurt". It does emotionally hurt kids that are growing up knowing that one of their parents chooses not to see or contact them. Especially for a boy growing up without a father. My son has had to deal with having a father who only contacts him once every other year. Usually at Christmas or father's day. Even though his father's parental rights were terminated when my son was around two, my son has always had a relationship and visited his paternal grandparents. They have repeatedly tried to manipulate my son's emotions about his father. Despite my repeated requests for them to stop. I think it's a very difficult, painful and confusing thing for a kid to deal with. I have tried to teach my son to channel his knowledge about the experience and be the best parent that he can be if he has children when he grows up. He also knows that everyone has to deal with painful stuff in life. He's an amazing kid. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Yes, I agree. I had a hard time verbalizing. Indifference hurts a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Yes, I agree. I had a hard time verbalizing. Indifference hurts a lot. I thought your post was excellent. You did a great job verbalizing a mother's perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
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