pinkroses Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 My grandmother is 90, but she's still in fairly good health and clear in the mind. We're very close and I love her. The problem is, she is manipulative through self pity and "feeds" off the problems and weaknesses in the family to feel more powerful herself, I suppose. She tends to pick holidays and other social occasions to make scenes and vent off long-nursed grudges---in inappropriate settings and at inappropriate times. Several years ago when I was first dating my ex-husband, she chose that time to accuse me of something that was untrue, in front of him, a private family matter. I believe the only reason she did it was because I was finally happy about something, and not as emotionally dependent on her anymore, and she just needed to stir the dust. Then two years ago at Christmas I was the target of another one of her rantings, in front of other family members. It caused me enough upset that I had panic attacks off and on for the next year. I hadn't had them in years. These confrontations have happened with everyone within the close family unit at one time or another. My grandmother has mellowed some since then, but we all tend to "hold our breath" when holidays come around, and no one looks forward to being around her. Does anyone have an opinion, if a person like her gets into that kind of behavior, should the family just oblige or ignore or tolerate her because she's old, or should someone take her home, letting her know her behavior is wrong and won't be tolerated? I've forgiven her for many things throughout my life and I've always moved forward to become close to her again, but deep in my heart I can never quite get over the pain she's caused. Holidays tend to bring up memories of things that have happened. I'm sure there are people like this in nearly every family. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Elderly persons generally do inappropriate things because they can get away with it. The best way to handle the inappropriate or rude behavior of anybody, regardless of age, is to make light of it...and not let it get to you. The only way anything can bother you is if you allow it to. The next time your grandmother comes out with something, say "Granny, are you trying to upset me again? You trying to embarass me? Now you know how I hate it when that happens. Now, go ahead and say what you have to so we can get back to normal here." Let her say her piece and then just let if float right by. Most people aren't used to doing this...but lots people work hard at making themselves feel bad nad upsetting themselves over the actions and words of others. There is nothing in the world your grandmother can say to make you feel bad. You do that to yourself. Don't put the fault on granny!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkroses Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 sounds good, Tony, and in a lot of cases I'm sure that works. I just can't totally agree that no one can make us feel bad without our permission. I think that's an overrated fad psychology. When it's Christmas and you are trying to enjoy the holiday and the family and someone yells at you, it's not something you can just pass off with humor or telling yourself it's old age---or alcoholism---or whatever it may be. If I took it upon myself to make a scene and yell at a family member, I guarantee I'd be held accountable for it, and I would expect to be. You say not to blame her, but who's making her do this, the devil? She knows perfectly well what she's doing. Anyway, your points are well-taken, we could take her less seriously and choose to not get so upset. I wish it was easier to do. At the same time, I think there is a difference in general old-age crochety-ness and intentional verbal assaults. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 YOU ASK: "You say not to blame her, but who's making her do this, the devil?" Yeah, probably. When I just can't handle the blame myself, I always put it off on the devil....you know, I say..."the devil with it." I guess I'm just an unusual guy. I learned a long time ago it was a good practice to laugh to keep from crying. There is just no way I can take a lot of what happens in life seriously. We won't be on this planet very long...and, in relation to the universe, the things we do here are pretty insignificant...except to ourselves. My vote is I'm getting through here as happy as I can be and stubbornly refuse to let granny or anybody else upset my short ride through the universe. Maybe you ought to teach your granny to fart when she's upset. I always found other people's passing gas to be hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkroses Posted December 18, 2002 Author Share Posted December 18, 2002 I don't need to teach her to fart, she already does that on her own! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 18, 2002 Share Posted December 18, 2002 with your granny and tell her in a nice way (in front of everyone so that you have witnesses) that her peculiar need/habit of picking on people is something you just don't care for because it really kills the sense of goodwill you're trying to foster. If that doesn't work, just tell her that you love her so very much that it hurts to see her be ugly that way, and you prefer to remember her in a good way, not being mean to people. I think Tony's advice to use humor is so that the message is received in a less confrontational way. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 19, 2002 Share Posted December 19, 2002 I had someone in the family like that. What worked for me was to was to walk over to her, lean down (she was in a wheelchair) and gently hug her and laugh and say "I love you in spite of yourself" and everyone would smile. The hug was important because in my family we never touch so I needed to find something that was almost unheard of in our family, but was still a "positive". The act of physical contact - a HUG - silenced everyone right away and my statement lightened everyone's spirit. It actually got to be a standard line that a lot of people used with her and it made us all feel better. I'm glad now that I did that because I'm left with better memories now that she's gone. Maybe that would work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
midnight magic Posted December 27, 2002 Share Posted December 27, 2002 Hey ya Tony!! About the passing gas incident being funny, tell that to my boyfriend, it is ok for him to do it several times per day, but the one time I do it, it is like a disaster has been committed. I just think it was time for pay back......thats all!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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