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Mom Obsessed with my Weight


fancybird

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Hi All,

 

To start I am 30 years old and my brother died unexpectedly 6 years ago. Since his passing, my Mom has been obsessed with observing my health. This, I find, to be totally expected and I can understand her concern...but sometimes it's just too much.

 

This summer I went off the Pill, and consequently lost nearly 10 lbs ( I have a very small frame, so 10 lbs really shows on me).

 

Well, all summer long my Mom was crying that I was anorexic. She quized my boyfriend, my girlfriends and even my co-workers to see if I was eating. Of course, they said I was. (Just so you know, I have not ever had any type of eating disorder EVER)

 

Finally, I took my mother to my GP and had a complete physical. The Dr. said I was the picture of health, my Mom relaxed and hasn't mentioned is since.

 

This Saturday I went to my Mom's house for dinner and my step dad said, "hey it looks like you've put on a bit of weight?", then my Mom bursts in "Don't tell her that or she'll go and throw up all her food!".

 

She yells this in front of my step brother and step sister, who were visiting from Vancouver, not only was this very embarassing but horrendously insulting.

 

So I left dinner in a very peaved state only to return home to a nasty message from my Mom saying that because I left upset I must "have a problem".

 

I emailed her explaining that I was very embarrased and hurt from the careless remark she made on my parting, but that I forgive her.

 

Well, she hasn't returned my calls or my email.. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be much appreciated?

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It would be nice if you weren't so sensitive about your mother's remarks. Getting peaved, leaving dinner and returning home was somewhat of an exaggerated reaction to what your mother said. Frankly, I am always fascinated and entertained by others' ignorant remarks and would never leave...hoping I would hear more of them.

 

Get a sense of humor about you. The decision to become angry or embarassed is yours and only yours. Your mother's remarks do not cause these emotions. You do by your decision to react this way. If your mother said you were a giraffe, would that make you a giraffe???

 

You don't control your mother so get used to it. If she won't return your emails or calls, that makes her rude behavior consistent with the inappropriate remarks she made to you so it should be no surprise. Your mother comes from different time, a different menality and a different educational level so just deal with it in a calm, understanding and tolerant manner. Upsetting yourself about her behavior is just plain not looking out for yourself.

 

In time, she will come around and you will hear from her. She's got problems. Don't let them be yours.

 

Also, understand the loss of a child is the most painful experience on the planet. The death of her son, your brother, brought her pain that you cannot fathom. And when you left that table and went home, that was a very painful form of abandonment and rejection to her. It's pretty obvious from her obsession with your weight and general health that she has a great fear of losing you.

 

There is no doubt she is in great emotional pain now over the table remark incident and doesn't know how to handle it...but that's not your problem. Just next time she blurts out some ridiculous crap, smile and finish your food or resume whatever you were doing.

 

When your mother passes away, you won't get another one.

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Thank you Tony, that was excellent advice.

 

But just so you know, her remark was made as I was putting on my coat to leave. Dinner was already over.

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Actually Tony,

 

Can I just paste in the email I sent to my Mom yesterday. Can you tell me whether or not it's too harsh?

 

FYI: Bruce=stepdad, Debbie and Chris= stepsis and stepbro

 

"It wasn’t Bruce’s comment that upset me Mom, it was yours. You had to suggest that I would “throw up my food” in front of Debbie and Chris. That was a nasty thing to say. Especially after all the effort I went through to appease your ridiculous accusations this summer.

 

 

 

On top of that nasty good bye, I come home to get a nasty message. And after that slap in the face, you don’t return my call. Talk about adding insult to insult.

 

 

 

But I’m an adult and I forgive you"

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There was no real point to your email. Nobody's comment upset you...you made the conscious decision to be upset. Learn to be nice to yourself and learn that statements and events don't upset us. It's how we process those events in our mind.

 

Make light of situations and enjoy life.

 

This email will only serve to upset your mother further and to make her defensive.

 

Good luck!!!

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You are so right. I hope I can remember your advice the next time my mother offends me.

 

But I've already sent the email? What should I do now?

 

Also, are you basically saying that we as children should pander to our unstable parents?

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YOU ASK: "Also, are you basically saying that we as children should pander to our unstable parents?"

 

No, what I'm saying is that while you are on this planet you should do everything in your power to keep yourself feeling good. Getting upset at things your mother says or does, the President says or does, the Pope says or does, or whatever is simply not a good use of your very limited gift of consciousness we enjoy as living creatures.

 

Your mother is very set in her ways and not likely to change. The very best thing you can do is learn not to react to her actions and remarks. Enjoy them, be entertained by them and go on with your life. Be happy every moment you breathe. This is all there is!!!

 

One day your mother will be dead and you will wish she could come back just for a few minutes to make whatever remarks she wishes to make. Why not allow her that luxury while she's alive and breathing and just don't let her upset you.

 

Be happy always!!!

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HokeyReligions

Tony is right for the most part -- at least in my opinion. But I understand why you feel and acted the way you did, fancybird. Our parents know which buttons to push because they installed them!

 

Your mothers grief is overpowering. I have lost 2 children and the grief is like a fog that surrounds us and seeps into every pour and influences everything we do. Your mom is not going to change - she probably doesn't know how or even want to.

 

You just have to accept her the way she is and learn not to care what others may think -- they may recognize her grief for what it is and not really pay heed to what she says. I get so MAD at my mother sometimes, but it serves no purpose so I go off by myself and cool off before I talk to her. And my mom lives with us!

 

I watched one episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and I was so furious because of Ray's mother that I was gritting my teeth! I HATE that show and realized that if one episode did that to me I'd better never watch it again. I wish we could tune out the part of our parents that make us so angry, but we can't so we just have to tolerate it and work on own patience.

 

Have you been honest with your mom and just told her that you love her and you know she loves you and is scared, but that her fear is driving a wedge between you two and rather than that happen, you want to make sure that whatever time you have left, and no matter who goes first - her or you -- you want the time left to be happy for both of you?

 

Try to stop REacting. It's not easy and I can just imagine myself in your place and being so angry and hurt that I would want to yell "that's right - be careful how you treat me - I might let myself die any minute, so watch your step and your mouth and if you try to interfere I'll make darn sure I die IN FRONT of you screaming that it's all your fault" Okay, so you can see how angry and vindictive I feel sometimes when it comes to my mother. ;)

 

Thankfully I vent it out in other places and my mom and I get along fine now and are content, if somewhat reserved. I'll have no real regrets when she passes. I do have regrets about my dad and he's been gone since January 5, 1975.

 

I save my REactions for when I'm completely alone or when I can vent to someone who knows I'm just letting off steam and no response is required from them.

 

That works for me and it might work for you too.

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I still don't understand why you don't all stand up to your parents???

 

I have a great loving relationship with both my parents. But if they cross the line I let them know. If they piss me off I let them know, and visa versa.

 

Why are you all so scared ****less to stand up to them? They won't die and they won't disown you. They did things to us that we didn't like while growing up but I am sure we are glad they did. So do the same. Stop being so weak and tell your parents when you think they are being unfair.

 

I see too many of my friends hide from their parents because they do not want to upset them, and they "don't want to fight"

 

Being a parent myself I would rather know I was pissing off my kids and why rather than live a lie my whole life with my kids secretly hating me.

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Thank you all for your sage advice.

 

I told my mother that her insensitive and flippant remarks enraged me, although she knew that already.

 

She appologized in her own unique way; burried beneth further resentments came an "I'm sorry" of sorts.

 

Christmas is two weeks away and I'm going to try not to over react when my Mother upsets me, as she undoubtedly will.

 

It does seem like I have no voice though, my mother is the dominant figure in our family...but I just can't win with her. I may as well concede to that fact and try to make the best of things.

 

Don't Mothers have the most inredible power to irk us?

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by Kat

I still don't understand why you don't all stand up to your parents???

 

I have a great loving relationship with both my parents. But if they cross the line I let them know. If they piss me off I let them know, and visa versa.

 

Why are you all so scared ****less to stand up to them? They won't die and they won't disown you. They did things to us that we didn't like while growing up but I am sure we are glad they did. So do the same. Stop being so weak and tell your parents when you think they are being unfair.

 

I see too many of my friends hide from their parents because they do not want to upset them, and they "don't want to fight"

 

Being a parent myself I would rather know I was pissing off my kids and why rather than live a lie my whole life with my kids secretly hating me.

 

I don't see any posts here that sound like people are scared of their parents. I'm not. It seems like the advice requested is HOW to approach the parents - what kind of things to say or how to broach the subject so the parents don't think we are having childish outbursts. It's also a good way to vent some of our frustrations and hurt feelings - here rather than to the parents. It's also helpful for a lot of people to know that others do understand how they feel.

 

I DO stand up to my mother when it is necessary, but when she angers me so much that I know I might say things I shouldn't -- I go off by myself to cool down. It's not backing down from her, its called being reasonable.

 

She shows me the same respect.

 

And yes, Parents DO die and if if our parents are lucky, they WILL die before we do. Some parents DO disown their kids and vice versa.

 

fancybird's situation is a little different because of the death of her brother. That puts a whole different light on EVERYTHING and there is no going back. The best they can do is build a new relationship and work hard to make themselves, and each other, as happy as possible in a world that doesn't include their brother/son.

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Only it's my grandmother who has spoken out of turn, more than anyone else in my family.

 

It's one thing to appreciate the fact that our parents are here or are old, will be gone one day...blah blah. We all know that. But I think there are some times when we have to draw the line. My boyfriend's mother controls her daughters, through her own view of religion, etc. and they hate her. At the same time, they are unwilling to stand up to her. She used to try to control my boyfriend but he drew the line for her, told her he wasn't putting up with it, period, and she has never tried it with him since. She knows how far she can go. As a result they have a peacable relationship and he doesn't hate her. They both gained mutual respect through their understanding of boundaries.

 

It's one thing to be respectful to parents and appreciate them. But after we're adults, we have more choice in what our relationship with them will be. It's not always possible to respond to your family's pressure with humor, as Tony keeps suggesting. Those emotions and memories run very deep, and our families can hurt us more easily and deeply than others. I think there are times when it's appropriate to be angry.

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  • 2 months later...
clairvoyant

Tony's quote:

 

If your mother said you were a giraffe, would that make you a giraffe???

 

 

Sounds like someone has been reading Sylvia Browne...

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