alizamp Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Hello all. I just have a quick question as to how my response (if any) should be handled because of the lack of manners. I have been hosting Christmas dinner at my house for a few years now. We purchased our home over 3 years ago and it has become tradition already. As a family of three however, I only have place settings for 8. Seating for 8. Silverware for 8. You get the idea. 1 week ago, My Aunt in law informs my mother..NOT ME, that her son will be coming. The son is an adult. He has other family where they live so they DO have 2 christmas dinners that day. They see their family, and then come here and spend 2 hours. I will be gracious and make arrangements for him... but it bothers me that no one asked ME. It's my home. I am the hostess. I am the one who spends close to $300 on dinner and then purchases gifts. I don't like the idea that she TOLD someone that does not live in my home that she's bringing someone else. I do not like the fact that she didn't ask me. I can't see any reason why this behavior would seem acceptable. We are not very close.. so "assuming" is not in the equation. I will be gracious while they are in my home of course. I do not like family drama! However, I would like to know what I can say to let her know I would appreciate more than 1 week notice next time, and also how I get the message across that it's polite to ask the hostess. (instead of telling the next of kin) She has my phone number and email address... so contacting me would not have been an issue. Any ideas of a polite response to her behavior? I just don't want her to think it's ok to continue to do this year after year. It leaves me scrambling for the menu... not to mention the other family members who are put out and have to go out in this crazy christmas rush to buy an additional (uninvited) guest a gift. Especially when everyone is done with their shopping. Thanks for the input! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Actually, YOUR MOM should have told your aunt-in-law to speak with you directly. It is YOUR MOM who agreed on your behalf and without first finding out what you wanted. Ask YOUR MOM to please be more respectful and considerate, in future. And it is YOU who has taken it upon yourself to have a gift for your extra guest. YOU are deciding that is necessary. And. To be honest, I can't see how one extra adult sent your menu into chaos and left you scrambling about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alizamp Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 I guess I should have added more detail since some reply so hastily. My mother DID tell her it wasn't her place. My mom has a backbone and manners. But the beeotch still did not contact me. As far as sending my menu into chaos.. i plan very specifically what is needed for x amount of dinner guests. Not to mention what else i posted.. which you obviously didn't read.. I am a hostess for 8. NOT nine. Seating, silverware, etc. Also, I never stated I was buying a gift. I stated that other family members find the need to get a gift. My gift to the uninvited guest is feeding him. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I think as hostess, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to ask your husband to take your Aunt-in-Law (presumably his aunt) to one side and discretely and politely advise her that next time she feels it appropriate to invite someone, she contact the hostess directly, and let her (that is, you) know in advance. It's been a little inconvenient to arrange this, as it's thrown some minor plans out of kilter. But welcome and enjoy the meal. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 As a gracious hostess(which I am not:p)you need to take the irresponsible party aside after the festivities and explain to her what you have said to us about the preparation and thought that you put into this dinner to make it special to those you choose to invite. That is your choice since it is your home. If she had shows respect in asking you will show respect in inviting her the next time. And just for minor future issues, get 2 more place settings, I had to invest in 2 more a couple of years ago. And remember the Christmas season isn't about stress, it is about family, even inconsiderate butt monkeys;) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I guess I understand how you feel but for me one extra guest wouldn't be a big deal. Even two extra guests now that I think about it. I always make too much food anyway. Try not to let this ruin your beautiful Christmas dinner and hope this doesn't happen next year. I wouldn't say anything to the aunt in-law. It's not worth hurting her feelings. I would just chalk it up to a Christmas mishap. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Whoa!!! I entertain often, and I completely understand your irritation. COMPLETELY. You have plans, including table settings, for a formal holiday dinner and now they are askew. Remember please, that being Gracious is not about the food, the stemware, etc. These things happen. A weeks notice is more than you will often receive - usually an uninvited guest just appears. You can say nothing. Correcting the manners of others is the opposite of polite and gracious. Next year, when confirming your invitations simply ask the aunt if Billy Bob will be joining us again this year. You are going to need more place settings regardless because soon you someone will break a plate! Promise! With holidays and planning, etc. we all get wound up - do what I do. As my plans, guests, family, and store clerks begin to irritate me to the point of murder, make this your mantra: I AM NOTHING IF NOT GRACIOUS Said through clenched teeth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alizamp Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Great points from all. 2sure and stillafool, excellent advice on not saying anything. I understand biting my tongue will be most gracious. However, I personally go back and forth thinking that not saying a word is enabling her ways and it will continue to happen. Not saying this to be mean, but when it comes down to it she really is one of the most ignorant people i've ever known. I do believe she doesn't know any better.. and that's why I'd like to voice my concerns in a polite way. I just might heed the advice of not saying anything... but we shall see. I will certainly invest in more place settings! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I know how you feel. We all have someone in our family (my MIL) that we wish we didn't have to deal with. We just have to ignore them and try to get through the holidays. Urg! relatives:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 Isn't this your cousin? I don't know I would love to entertain my cousin and think the holiday and the family and the season is more important than matching stemware. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamagnet Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 I do not like family drama! ! Would the drama have been created if this did not irritate you? Link to post Share on other sites
LouiseC Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 The OP was not saying that this was a family drama, what she actually said was... I will be gracious while they are in my home of course. I do not like family drama! ... meaning, when read correctly, that she would not cause a drama as she dislikes it. I agree about not mentioning anything, but make a note to ask next year if such and such will also be attending as it was a rush last year what with not having much notice. Hope you had a beautiful dinner, it sounds like you are a lovely hostess. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Isn't this your cousin? I don't know I would love to entertain my cousin and think the holiday and the family and the season is more important than matching stemware. More like cousin in-law, if there's such a thing. I think s/he is especially annoyed because this extra person came from his/her in-laws side. Sorry but I find a little selfishness in you, and the remark you made on this aunt in-law in your last post is very rude. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 You wait until the holidays are over then take her aside (Aunt inlaw) and tell her that in the future if she plans on inviting other guests to your home, she needs to directly speak to you and not involve your mother or anyone else. Anyway, I hope all went well on Xmas. When you think of it, one more mouth to feed isn't a big deal and Christmas is supposed to be about giving and fun times. As for the gift, I highly doubt her son would expect a gift seeing as he was a last minute invite. He's a grown up, not a child..If it was a kid, then yes, a little toy or something would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alizamp Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 Thank you all for the advice. The dinner was great. Yes, I'm disappointed I didn't have more notice but I was very greatful for having family together. I have no problem with my cousin-in-law. I don't know him really. My problem lies with the lack of courtesy I was given in regards to notice. Shygirl, I don't think expecting for proper manners is selfish. Your response leads me to believe you think that behavior is acceptable and probably have done the exact thing i'm complaining about. Thanks again everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
moonshadow Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 I think it's incredibly rude what this Aunt Inlaw did. If your table only hold 8, you only have 8 chairs, you only have 8 place settings, etc., having that extra person can make things difficult and hosting a family dinner at Xmas is stressful enough. I do not agree with those suggesting that next year you contact her nicely to see if she'll be bringing Billy-Bob (or whatever his name is LOL)...because that just sends the message that what she did was just fine and that you're catering to HER. If it were me, seeing how you have her email address, I'd consider dropping all who attended your dinner an email "thank you".....and in the thank-you to her, make mention that it was great to see her and billy bob but in the future if she plans to bring a guest, that she be considerate and let YOU know so that you can plan accordingly. Ignorant people need wake-up calls. To just 'say nothing', it doesn't do anyone any favors and just creates unspoken animosity and tension. Best to get things out in the open. By the way, how do you get along with this aunt? what about her son? was she a gracious guest? did they thank you for dinner? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Thank you all for the advice. The dinner was great. Yes, I'm disappointed I didn't have more notice but I was very greatful for having family together. I have no problem with my cousin-in-law. I don't know him really. My problem lies with the lack of courtesy I was given in regards to notice. Shygirl, I don't think expecting for proper manners is selfish. Your response leads me to believe you think that behavior is acceptable and probably have done the exact thing i'm complaining about. Thanks again everyone! You ask for advice and then when people don't say exactly what you want to hear you lash out instead of thinking of other views and taking them into consideration. Why is that? What are you angry about? You sound very unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Isn't this your cousin? I don't know I would love to entertain my cousin and think the holiday and the family and the season is more important than matching stemware. I think that's the way I would look at it. As annoying as it might be, by saying something- it will cause drama. I don't think there is a way to get around this. Being gracious would be about NOT saying anything. When it comes to next year- THEN inform people to let you know directly if extras are coming. My Uncle brought his girlfriend and teenage son to an xmas once- just showed up without asking. My parents pulled out extra chairs, mis-matched plates and never said a word. My mom usually makes arrangements for strays. I'd bite my tongue and avoid the drama it will cause. Any confronting of the aunt and she will feel embarrassment- possibly unwelcomed. I wouldn't chance that. She did call your mother and ask if it was okay assuming your mother would ask you, and she did call with a weeks notice. I understand where you are coming from and why it might irk you- but I wouldn't say a word if I was in the same position. You're not close to your Aunt- so nip the problem in the butt next year and ask people to get the guest list to YOU personally. I worry that if anything gets said on your end- you'll be the one that is percieved as causing family drama. That's what would stop me from saying anything. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Oh yeah, and x-mas dinner is over and done with... Glad it was a good dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
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