Brother dilemma

[tripledigit]

I am a 30 year old woman with two younger brothers (one is three years younger and another four years younger). Our relationship is so bad at the moment that we don't even talk or say hi when we see each other. More and more lately, I am feeling quite depressed although the bad state of our relationship and although I do not love them as a sister should love a brother (and no doubt vice versa), I wish with all my heart that we had a loving relationship. The issue is that I'm not sure how to go about doing it. Can anybody give some much-needed advice?? What I am about to relay now is lengthy but I just need to get this out and without the background I don't know if you can understand how I feel.

 

To set the context, I need to explain how our relationship has come to this point. First, all three of us are very, very different. Perhaps because I am the oldest, I have been the studious one, graduated from law at university, the 'non-rebel', grew up never really having caused any grief to my parents, responsible. Brother 1 is a free spirit, has floated in and out of jobs (more often out than in) and constantly living off pay salary to pay salary. Brother 2, the youngest, is intelligent but not studious, irresponsible, mixed with the wrong crowd in his teens, often running in trouble with the police, but now seems to be on the right track in life (mainly thanks to his wife who has supported him throughout).

 

Maybe its because us three are such different people. I don't know what it is, but we just do not gel. We played together as children and were ok. I was always closer to Brother 1 than the youngest one. Things became bad in high school, the two brothers bonded, went on their wild ways, got in trouble with mum and dad, and pretty much did what brothers do their sister - making fun of me throughout high school for being too short, too ugly, too fat, you get the picture. Granted, they were young at the time, but this constant putting down at a time when i myself was undergoing issues in puberty and growing up didn't help my esteem. Worse, they did it together. It was horrible at the time. I remember them ganging up on me to tease me. There was no real reason for it other than them being two young males hanging out together, seeing their sister as being the opposite sex and teasing her. I see now that I could have handled the situation better, if I wasn't so sensitive to their comments, maybe they would have left me alone a bit. I grew up always wanting a sister instead of two brothers.

 

As we grew up, the constant teasing stopped, but they still sometimes put me down. It is because I am physically inferior to them. I think I must be smart to be able to get through uni, but they made me feel dumb. We come from a non-English background and they would sometimes tease me for having a slightly 'foreign' accent. Outside of home, I felt confident. At home, I sometimes felt dumb. They made me feel worthless sometimes.

 

But in those high school and uni days, we had our good days and bad days. Although our relationship wasn't always particularly good, we lived together at home, we talked, i even hung out with Brother 1 sometimes. But I must have resented them all along because I have never really felt love for them the way that a sister should feel love for a brother. For that, I feel guilty. I feel that I have not been a good enough sister, but I do not know how to bring myself to love them more because, as I said, I must still be carrying a lot of resentment, even hate in me.

 

They probably in turn resented me during our childhood because my parents never saw anything bad in me. If we argued, my parents would always take my side. Ok, from my subjective view I always thought I was right. Maybe that wasn't always in case. I always studied; they didn't. My parents would tell them off all the time and not me. They probably thought I was trying to suck up to my parents all the time.

 

The real turning point in my relationship when Brother 2 got into the wrong crowd. Police were involved. My parents had a gambling addiction. We had financial issues and I was the only one working. I ended up paying my parent's gambling debts and the mortgage. My brothers did not pay anything. I really resented this at the time. Our family and financial situation was awful.

 

Then, a few years ago, I was in a horrible emotional mess. I wanted to get married and move out. But I coudln't because I felt that I had to support my parents. But I didn't want to support my brothers. I wanted the privacy of having a peaceful houseful with my new husband. I didn't want to have to live with my parents AND brothers who I didn't get along with. I didn't directly kick my brothers out of home, I didn't tell them to get out of home, but I might as well have, because I was not very nice to them. I would give them the silent treatment and give off such negative vibes when I saw them. I wasn't a very nice person at that time I must admit. I didnt' deal very well with my anger. One brother moved out. The other stayed at home. He still stays at home. He has now taken over the mortgage and is the one who is living with my parents.

 

Anyway, now, things have settled down. I managed to move out of home because my brother ended up taking over the house and mortgage. I effectively transferred the house to him when I moved out. Now that I am happier and my parents, brothers are in a better situation, I can be calm enough to think more objectively about how I felt when I 'kicked' my brother out of home. I know they hate me. I want to have a nice happy family, but I don't know where to start. I have never really been a model of sisterly love or shown particular care or love for them. But neither have they ever shown me any love or been particularly nice to me. I used to be happy just to have my husband, my parents and my friends. But as one gets older, one realises that family DOES matter, no matter what the history is. My issue is that, I don't think my brothers would feel the same way. I don't think I have the confidence to 'befriend' them and be nice, only to hear them make some sarcastic comment to me about 'why are you being so nice to me now...' or to have my intentions rejected. I don't want to be made hypocritical.

 

I know I will probably get responses that I shouuld just make the first move and know I've tried to do my best. But how should i do it if I know it's going to be a one-way street. Further, even if we do talk again, is it just so they can go back to their old ways of taunting me and putting me down? Is it worth me? Genuinely, I don't feel any true love for them, but I just keep thinking how we are siblings and I do not want to come to the point where my parents have passed away and me and my siblings do not even see other (at least now, we have a common link through my parents).

[Ronni_W]

I honestly don't think that there is a way that one adult "should" love another adult. Loving feelings are developed, based on factors like respect, acceptance, appreciation, etc.

 

Your brothers, as adults, don't appear to have given you much on which you could really build genuine loving feelings. (At the same time, perhaps you didn't give them much, either.)

 

But the point is, it isn't necessary for us to feel guilty because we don't love our family members in ways that we used to believe we "should" love them. We love them as much or as little as we do, period.

 

One possible way that you can approach them (individually) is with something like, "I would like to see if we can become a little closer but I do need things to be different than before. First, do you want that, too? Second, are you willing for us to work together so that the new relationship is positive, inspiring and supportive for BOTH of us?"

 

It would be prudent to be prepared that they will say 'no', upfront. Or that they will genuinely try but still not be able to be as supportive and encouraging of you as you want/need. Then it'd be in your own interest to just learn how to accept the reality, allow them to be who they are (people whose company you don't so much enjoy), and wish them well from a safe emotional distance.

 

Good luck. It can turn around, but they have to want a better relationship with you, too.

[quankanne]

sib relationships are tricky, but not impossible. I'm the youngest of six, with 12 years between me and my oldest sib, a brother who went into the Army when he graduated from high school. So I really don't know him, you know? But I've found that being friendly and respectful – like when you're meeting someone for the first time – goes a long way in getting the conversation rolling, and in this case, a good thing, because he's a very private person.

 

my suggestion is to maybe do the same with your brothers: start treating them like they're someone you're meeting for the first time, and then get to know them by learning their interests. The shared history you mentioned might be a problem, but then again, those two just might be thrilled to be able to get a new, mature stab at a relationship with you that they will try hard not to be those boys they were before.

 

and for your own peace of mind, don't hang on to any of the old resentments, but put them behind you. Yeah, it's painful, but are they really pertinent to a healthy relationship you want to forge with them? If the subject comes up, just try to be calm when you discuss how it hurt you, then let them know that you realize that it was in the past, when you (and they) were different, less mature than y'all are now.

 

as long as no one is trying to one-up or look down their nose at the other(s), you should be okay. And don't give up if it seems to be slow going – the pay-off is huge.

 

good luck!

q