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My Controlling Mother


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I'm 31 years old and still trying to break away from my overly controlling mother.

 

For a long time I was trying to respect her and I really let her walk all over me. I gave her too much control, in the name of peace. It made her happy but made me feel like a schmuck.

 

I am finally at my wits' end. I recently got married and she and my father were against the marriage and made it quite clear. My wedding actually turned out to be a very stressful event because I felt bad that my parents did not support it.

 

Then my mother thought she could tell me where me and my family were going to live. She told me that we needed to sell my husband's house in town and move out to the county because druggies lived on his street. I told her that he knew everyone on his street and there were no druggies on his street. She became indignant, saying, "Yes, there is, that is what I heard, there are druggies, in that apartment house, do you know which house I am talking about?"

 

Anyway it wouldn't be so bad if this was an isolated incidence. But there has been a pattern of behaviour for many years of control, dominance, violations of privacy, meddling, etc.

 

I still have not learned how to talk to her without her trying to establish dominance over me. I am at the point where I don't want to talk to her at all. I do not want a relationship with her. I do not like her. I don't think she is a good person. The things that she has done, I would not tolerate from a friend and I would end the friendship. Why should she be any different? I don't believe you have to take abuse just because it's coming from family. If Hitler was my dad, would I have to talk to him too?

 

I have made the decision to minimize contact with her. I stopped talking to her for two weeks and finally had a brief conversation with her on the phone yesterday. I have also taken away some of her visitation with my son. She was keeping him too much and this is how she was gaining control in my life - through him. I do think this is the best course of action. I would feel fine about it, except...

 

My new husband.

 

I can't blame him. He wants to get along with his inlaws. He wants me to get along with my mother. He does not see yet how bad she is and he wants me to have a relationship with her. He thinks I overreact when I display to him, the anger I have towards her. I have a lot of anger. Sometimes I fly into a rage and start yelling. I think my anger scares him. I really feel like I hate her at times. She has done some nasty underhanded things. She has always done this one-upmanship thing with me, even when I was a child. Like she was always trying to show that she was better than me. She treats me as if I am incompetent in every area of my life. The damage she has done to my self-esteem has greatly affected my life. My first marriage was abusive. I'm finally to the point where I am learning to stand up to people and then when I do it, my well-meaning husband freaks out.

 

I am extremely frustrated. Part of me is angry at him for trying to get me to do something I don't want to do. Then I feel bad because it hurts him when I am angry at him.

 

But I absolutely can't talk to her a whole lot right now. Maybe in the future things will get better but I doubt it. I'd rather enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to hear the grating sound of her voice. But then I have to hear it from him. It's like I can't escape.

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Sorry to hear how bad your relationship with your mother is. Your husband is probably just avoiding getting in the middle. A lot of families end up assuming it is the fault of the "outsider" when one of their own turns away. He just doesn't want them to look at him like an instigator if you ever end up mending things with your mother.

Explain to him how much happier you feel you will be if you keep your dealings with her to a serious minimum. I don't mean that you should cut her off completely. Just start hanging up when she starts in on you. Tell her "I won't put up with the way you've been treating me my whole life anymore. When you can deal with me in a more respectful and supportive way, we will have a closer relationship. Till you can, I will hang up on you when you start to make me feel bad. Good bye!" And then just hang up.

I left my mother's home right around my 17th b-day. I didn't talk to her for almost about 4 years. One day I called her and we had a talk and began again. After a while she fell back into her old patterns and I took the approach I just suggested to you. We don't see each other much anymore but when we do, it is much more agreeable. We talk on the phone and get along. When the subject turns to a topic we know we don't agree on, we just end the phone call respectfully. It seems she is starting to figure out that she can't rip into me and be so negative if she wants a relationship with me. Besides, like me, you have the leverage now. Its called a grandkid. If she continues to rip on me and shoot down every goal I make for myself, I'm not going to think she can offer my son any better.

Send her a letter expressing how you feel if you think she won't listen on the phone or in person.

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Thank you for that advice. My husband did finally back off. He said it wasn't worth having marital problems over so he would back out.

 

I do feel right about minimizing contact. I will try your suggestions too.

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  • 2 months later...
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There were some other responses to this thread that got lost. I read them in my email.

 

Flowergirl - I am bipolar too, so I understand. It will be a lot better when you don't have to work for her anymore.

 

EMBeee - I have trouble standing up for myself too, but I'm learning how to do it. The first word I had to learn was "NO." It's just two letters, but it can be so hard to say.

 

Here's what's transpired since I posted last:

 

Mom offered to host a wedding reception for me and my new husband, because we hadn't had one when we got married. I let her do it, and she really knocked herself out. She did a great job and was real agreeable through the whole thing. My dad was also pleasant at the reception and even made an effort to get to know my inlaws. So I felt finally like I could forgive my parents, that this event gave them the opportunity to make things up to me. I'm okay with my parents now...

 

BUT...

 

I still don't want much to do with them. I'm not mad at them, but I like keeping them at a distance. I still don't talk to them much, and my dad isn't very communicative anyway so that's not a big deal. But my mother is trying to get close again. I am very guarded when I talk to her. I am careful to not give her too much personal information that would open the door to her giving me her "suggestions". I had to take responsibility for the part that I was playing in this whole thing. I was going to my mother with my personal issues and plans and what not. So of course she was going to give her opinion!

 

So now she does not have much opportunity to give me her opinion. I know she does not like this. She often asks me what is wrong. I tell her I am busy. If she tries to keep me on the phone too long, I make up an excuse to get off.

 

It feels really nice to not be stressing about her anymore. I finally learned how to set boundaries. It's like, I don't hate her, but I know I can't let her too close. We can be on good terms, but not exactly friends. She's kind of like an acquaintance that I can be civil too, but whom I don't fully trust.

 

Thanks everybody who offered advice and support.

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Oh my god, i'm litterally reading my life in another 9-10 years! I feel your pain my mother is so controlling over me. She hates my friends, she hates that I want a life besides her she complains that I work three jobs and go to school full time. Even when I try to gain some sort of independance she's there to hold me back.

 

By reading this post it has given me some ideas of how to handle this situation. My problem is i'm still in college, I spend every penny I have towards school and my job isn't that stable especially with michigan's economy.

 

It's just hard to live a life when someone is breathing down my neck. But at least now I have some sort of a way out. Keep up the good work.

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Shellz,

 

I understand what you're going through. I think it's good that you are working hard to get yourself through college. It feels a lot better when you can do things yourself, doesn't it? I always hated accepting help from my parents because there were strings attached.

 

It took me a long time to get where I'm at now. And I'm sure I will slip at some point and say too much to her. And I'm sure she will tick me off again. Seems like right now things are going okay.

 

I had to accept the fact that I could never be close to my mother. And it's not because of me, it's because of how she is. I really don't think she knows how to be close with someone. She doesn't have a lot of friends and the ones that she does have are really messed up people that she feels sorry for and tries to help. She is so codependent, I don't think she can be close to someone without controlling them.

 

I went through a period of mourning when I learned that I could never be close to her. It was a loss, like a death. I think I cried for about a month. But now that I've accepted it, it feels a lot better.

 

I do think it is sad that she pushes people away like she does, but for my own sanity I just cannot keep trying.

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