My boyfriend's family is indifferent towards me

[dutchie]

So, I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We don't live together, never have. I have been to one family get together of his last Easter, and I have met his parents and sister a few times(they live in Denver, I am in Chicago).

 

Yesterday, on Thanksgiving, we went to our separate family gatherings, both in Indiana. (His parents didn't come out here for Thanksgiving) We were going to do both, but things got messed up because his mom was calling him, saying stuff like you have to go to represent for me, I want to be there but can't so you and your brother need to go, you have to drive your Aunt there, etc.

 

While I understand all of that, I also feel like after more than 4 years together, that his family just doesn't take into consideration that he has a serious girlfriend, and MAYBE, he wants to spend it with me. He has never attended any holiday functions on my side because he always goes to CO for xmas. I have never been invited to xmas, and this is the first Thanksgiving that I was invited to their family thing.

 

I had invited him to my family thing a couple months ago and he said he would go. Then on Wed nite, at the last minute, we are trying to work it out so we can do both. Turns out that his family is eating around the same time, so we decide reluctantly to go to our own things and see each other later.

 

I am irritated by this whole thing. Today still, actually more so. I just get the feeling that these people don't give a crap that I even exist. He goes there every Christmas, so I kind of feel like maybe I should get him on Thanksgiving......this seems like I might be selfish or whatever, but it really bums me out not EVER being with him on holidays.

 

So, am I being totally selfish and petty? I know he feels torn, and I feel bad even telling him I am burnt up about it still, but it is festering..... Should I even say this to him, that I think his family is indifferent to me? Am I overreacting?

[Rachel_0814p]

You're completely justified in feeling irritated. And I can totally empathize with how bothered you are by it still!

 

From being in similar situations myself, I believe at the root of it you may feel (as I did) that maybe he didn't care enough about your feelings to stand by you instead of bowing to his family's wishes after four years of being together. Am I right?

 

But don't worry; I'm sure he loves you to bits but just has a problem saying 'No' to his family. A lot of the good men--the caring and compassionate ones--have this flaw. It's what attracts us to them.

 

So, if that's the case (that he just has a hard time saying no to his family) then it should be easier for you to tolerate his inconsideracy, instead of feeling so rejected by the idea of him dumping your plans at the last minute for his family because he simply doesn't care.

 

Now how to handle it... Well, he definitely needs to know he messed up and made the wrong choice. But he probably needs to know it gently. And then you need to somehow learn not to let what his family says or does (or doesn't do) bother you on such a deep level. Even though I know how impossible that is, as I'm struggling with my boyfriend's (also of 4 years) adult daughter--an ungrateful, spoiled brat who seems to ruin everything for us lately.

 

Maybe you and your boyfriend can sit down and have a few nice, long, theraputic talks and hopefully, you can find a way together to let go of his family's hold on your holidays.

 

Regardless of what happens this year, next year he'd better be where ever you want him to be for the holidays. He owes you!!

[Trialbyfire]

One way to get closer to the family is to spend some real time with them between holidays. It will let them get to know you better, in a more relaxed atmosphere.

 

Why not suggest this to your b/f? Maybe the two of you can visit both families, at different times.

[dutchie]

You're completely justified in feeling irritated. And I can totally empathize with how bothered you are by it still!

 

From being in similar situations myself, I believe at the root of it you may feel (as I did) that maybe he didn't care enough about your feelings to stand by you instead of bowing to his family's wishes after four years of being together. Am I right?

 

Yes, you are exactly right.

 

 

But don't worry; I'm sure he loves you to bits but just has a problem saying 'No' to his family. A lot of the good men--the caring and compassionate ones--have this flaw. It's what attracts us to them.

 

So, if that's the case (that he just has a hard time saying no to his family) then it should be easier for you to tolerate his inconsideracy, instead of feeling so rejected by the idea of him dumping your plans at the last minute for his family because he simply doesn't care.

 

This perspective made me feel better, too. Thanks!

 

 

Now how to handle it... Well, he definitely needs to know he messed up and made the wrong choice. But he probably needs to know it gently. And then you need to somehow learn not to let what his family says or does (or doesn't do) bother you on such a deep level. Even though I know how impossible that is, as I'm struggling with my boyfriend's (also of 4 years) adult daughter--an ungrateful, spoiled brat who seems to ruin everything for us lately.

 

Maybe you and your boyfriend can sit down and have a few nice, long, theraputic talks and hopefully, you can find a way together to let go of his family's hold on your holidays.

 

Yeah, I will try not to be angry while bringing this up. And yeah, it is hard not to take it so personally...but I will try! I need to, just to preserve some sanity this holiday season. I have lost both my sister and Grandmother in the last 3 years, so holidays recently for my family are kind of depressing. I guess that is why now I feel like I really need him to be around for the holidays. But there is always next year.

 

And I am sorry to hear about an adult daughter behaving this way. Not cool. Good luck with that. I hope it doesn't bring you down too much.

[Rachel_0814p]

This perspective made me feel better, too. Thanks!.

 

Glad I could help! Helping you feel a little better about your situation has helped me feel a little better about my situation. I also lost my grandmother, back in February, and she's the only one in my family who I felt ever really loved me the right way. So, I also go through bouts where I need extra attention from my boyfriend. And all too often, his kids interrupt that, and I end up angry or hurt. It's been happening quite often lately, and I'm trying to get a handle on it before it starts to come between my boyfriend and I.

 

My boyfriend's adult daughter is the consistent thorn in my side. She's the oldest and the worst. But things are a little more relaxed this week than last week. I just try to keep it in perspective that she's still a child, even at 20, and is very immature and selfish because of the sheltered background that she's had. I also accept that she feels weird sometimes about our age difference (I'm closer in age to her than to her father), so I do my best not to take anything she says or does (or doesn't do) personally. I also try to give her her space, and also take space for myself when I need it...which is often. I've figured out that the hardest part for me to swallow about her is her serious lack of self-responsibility. And I can't even relate to her when she's going through these "growing pains" at 20 because I was much more mature earlier on than her. The stuff she's struggling with now I'd already learned to deal with at 12 or 14. Her immaturity is just mind-boggling to me.

 

Anyway, I hope you've been able to work things out to have a great Christmas with your boyfriend!