Does anyone regret leaving?

[Carol_1278]

I posted on the infidelity board already, but long story short is that I met my husband very young (19) and though we have been together almost 8 years (almost 3 of which married) I am having doubts about our relationship. He is a wonderful, caring man, but I just don't feel like we click....I never really did. We are compatible enough, but I am not really happy (though I would not say I am unhappy either). I feel like something is missing. I am scared because if we seperate I could lose something wonderful, but on the other hand I think there could be people out there for both of us that we would both be happier with. Am I being selfish? Do people with these kinds of doubts (this is the second time in 3 years, and many times while we were dating) get over it and at some point become content with their relationship? Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar situation and regretted their decision one way or another? I am concerned these feelings will just keep coming back. We were in counseling last summer and the counselor suggested they would continue for me.

 

Thanks in advance!

[directx]

Yeah, I know how you feel. It sucks and its a flaw in marriage. This is where some people are lucky to be totally into their spouse forever where others just continue going thorugh the motionss.

 

Problem is, when the spark is gone, you can get wrapped up with someone else where there is spark.

Do you have kids? If you don't, you may really want to consider ending it now.

Is your husband happy? Can you feel in love with other people? Is there somebody you already met that you are not mentioning?

[Carol_1278]

We do not have any children - if we did I think I would just suck it up and deal with it. As I said, I am not unhappy per se....you put it well when you said going through the motions. I did hang out with an old friend a few times. Once things became physical however we ended it and have not spoken since. I did find myself admiring in him a lot of qualities that don't exist in my husband, but I am not ignorant to the fact that things are always fantastic at the beginning and it is unfair to compare that to my 8 yr relationship with my husband. My husband does not know about the other guy (or one that I got involved with when we first started dating - not really as relevant being that we weren't really serious yet), but we are starting counseling next week and as much as I don't want to hurt him with the knowledge of it, I think it has to come up. I have definately held off on having children due to these thoughts. Oh and my husband is very happy and content. I guess I want to feel the same way about him that he does about me, but as much as I try and convince myself or act like I am, it's just not there.

[Lor]

Please, do not tell your H about your affairs. You have feelings for him, right? Respect him? Then why tear his world apart? It doesn't do any good, you have to carry the guilt, don't put the burden on him, too. If there is a chance for your relationship, telling him would put a unmendable break in it, no matter how hard you try.

 

What you are going thru is normal. He's the same guy you see every day and you want a little excitement, pazzaz. So, spice things up, do something out of the ordinary, and make that the norm instead of the acception. If you fall into the rut, pull yourself back out, and not by getting with someone else--that is a dangerous, temporary fix.

 

Think long and hard about trying to fix things. If you weren't with him and you saw him for the first time--like you did for the first time--then you would feel the excitement, the thrill of being with him. Try and work back to that part of your life. You are too used to each other--now is the time to work on surprising each other, not throwing in the towel.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with LOR for the most part. You are going to go through the same rut with someone else at some point. You need to decide (by talking with him) whether you guys can work on your relationship or not. Step up to the plate and put some romance in your life. Ask yourself the question, "Can I live without this man in my life forever?", and if the answer is no then you can find a way to make things work. By the way, every relationship goes through this, and the people that work it out find out that it's the best thing that ever happened to them. If your guy is not willing to find some spark, then maybe you should consider calling it off.

 

Takes work, don't lose a good thing.

[nice1_hurting]

Although my situation is on a totally different scale (wasn't married). I would simply recommend that you truly, TRULY imagine if you would be happy without this man in your life.

 

My girlfriend and I were having some ups and downs and instead of really making an effort, i got scared thinking I was just going to get trapped in a relationship. After we broke up I did a lot of soul searching.. And came to the conclusion that my love never left, it was just being combatted by our issues. I have learned that love is something you work at. It doesn't just happen. And now I am not with the woman I love because of it. I really wish I had made more of an effort.. Life was getting to me (lost job, apartment etc..) Stress was adding up and I got freaked and ducked out.

 

Now all I have is regret. So.. (sorry to be such a whiner ) Just be certain this isn't something you would regret because you might not get the chance to prove yourself afterwards.

[robkris8079]

Your feelings I believe are exactly what my wife is going through. We have known each other for 10 years. Married for over 3. One day she said she wasn't in love with me anymore. I truly believe it was the spark that died. We recently bought a house, had a baby and took out a second mortgage. She said to me after "all I do is go to work, come home, and take care of the baby". If you had feelings and spark for this man once and it seems that he is in love with you I believe you should try and get that spark back. Do things out of the ordinary and change up your routine. 8 years is a long time. Especially at your age. I know because I just turned 26 today. I don't know a life with out my wife. I was just a child when I met her. In my situation there is another man though. I know my wife had ideas of our marriage not working but as soon as she got the vision of another life she was gone. Don't do to your husband what my wife did to me. Give him a chance at least. Talk to him about how your feeling and see if things can be changed. If it doesn't work then at least you can say you tried. My wife felt that she had to keep her feelings bottled up. It ended up making her depressed and driving her away. As far as telling him about the affair now wouldn't be the best time. It is totally selfish and is just to relieve your own guilt. It will do nothing good for him. The morning after my wife had the A she drove straight back to our home and cried to me and told me. She still is seeing him and talking to him. So her telling me is only making my time to heal that much more difficult. I have just one question for you though? If you do leave him and find another man whats going to happen in another 8 years? Marriages take work. You won't stay totally "in love", and infatuated with your partner forever unless you take steps to do so.

[Lor]

excellent post Robkris and happy (late) birthday!

[tonyp56]

One comment on something you said. You said you weren't happy but you weren't un-happy either. Well guess what, welcome to life. No one can ever truly be happy, there will always be something missing. Money, house, friends, etc... Don't think that you'll ever be truly happy. And certainly, you'll never be happy all the time, you'll have ups and downs. That is just life.

[Brittanyjean06]

Lor I love your picture!!

 

You are stunning;)

[Lor]

Why, thank you, darlin' (blushing)