How much to disclose to either one of them...

[Lollie72]

When the other person is rearing their claws, and may use anything you say against you, and your about to file for divorce, how does one even communicate with the soon-to-be x at all if the lawyer hasn't stepped in yet to be the safe-sounding board of communication? My spouse is completely verbally combatitive, and I only want the facts to be communicated...and I want to be very careful what ends up as ammunition for his guns so-to-speak. My sister has all ready gotten in the game and will load his guns if I even discuss anything besides the weather with her. She's really nosed her way into and made things very worse. I feel like I cannot even be safe at all emotionally when around her.SHe's trying to control my split. Yes I'm using chat boards, because she's the only relative in the state I am staying permenently. It's a very confusing lonely time for me. And i wish so much she had a completely supportive attitude. I feel lost and abandoned by her in a time of need..

[sugarplum]

I hate when what I say becomes anothers ammunition - especially when my words are twisted to suit their needs. I constantly have to tell my darling husband "If you are going to quote me - actually quote me!"

 

Anyhow, I would just say to him/her that the subject is better left for the attorneys to handle - and tell him that it is in BOTH of your best interests to handle it that way. That's what lawyers get the big bucks for. If you must, start of list of subjects to discuss once attorneys are fully on board. Shame on your sister for not being your support when you really need her!

[CryingCanuck]

Lollie no offence, BUT ! ! ! Why would your sister be at all involved? Does shw knowsomething about you two that made her so? The reason I ask this, is that you sound as if you want her to be on your side or stay out of it, and that is usually the case ( at least in my situation) My family really hate what my X has done and is doing but they will not communicate to her their feeling and I would not want them to. Only one person in her family as even said hi to me since this began 7 months ago and even that was by long distance, he's in New Zealand and knows us quite well and all he said that he's sorry his sister has done this and hopes eventually he and I can get together especially since I've been part of their family for 23 years.

 

Does she have some sort a agenda going?

[Lollie72]

Lollie no offence, BUT ! ! ! Why would your sister be at all involved? Does shw knowsomething about you two that made her so? The reason I ask this, is that you sound as if you want her to be on your side or stay out of it, and that is usually the case ( at least in my situation) My family really hate what my X has done and is doing but they will not communicate to her their feeling and I would not want them to. Only one person in her family as even said hi to me since this began 7 months ago and even that was by long distance, he's in New Zealand and knows us quite well and all he said that he's sorry his sister has done this and hopes eventually he and I can get together especially since I've been part of their family for 23 years.

 

Does she have some sort a agenda going?

 

codependence-she's also a religous fanatic who believes she needs to fix, and force our marrriage to work out, no matter who it hurts...

[RecordProducer]

My husband is very good in verbal "winning." I was surprised at the beginning so he caught me unprepared. Later my mind started working faster and I managed to beat HIM with arguments. That's when all discussions with him stopped. Now he avoids discussing anything since I usually win, as in he doesn't know what to reply to my well thought arguments. I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to say while he is at work.

 

If you want people to listen to you, you have to let them win. When they win, they might feel sorry for you or at least they heard what you had to say. It's like a game: if you know you will lose, you don't even wanna play or hear the rules.

 

So you let them believe that they are winning, but at the end you put your "ace of spades" on the table and YOU win.

 

Start with stupid arguments and let him be the smartass. Then tell him what you have to say/ask. Think about what you want from him without the accusations and criticism - it's futile at this point and will only result in antagonism.

 

Talk to him about business, not emotions, unless you want him back. I'd suggest that you wait for your lawyer to take place in the whole situation. Don't approach him as an enemy unless you WANT to have HIM as your enemy. In that case, you will get less than you might get if you're friendly and civil.

 

When my ex-BF decided to leave his wife after 8 years, he felt sorry for her and was ready to give her more than belonged to her (they had joint assets, but no children). He told me he loved her, but wasn't in love with her. But she started fighting with him and that reminded him of what a bitch she otherwise was (his words, I am not saying she was, I never met her) and he started hating her. She didn't want to give him a divorce. The he threatened her that he wouldn't give her a get (Jewish divorce done by the Rabi)... Basically it was very nasty and they lived in the same house for 7 months during this process, until the house was sold.

 

I would recommend friendly attitude and counting to 100 and back before you say or do anything. Show respect if you want it back.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Lolly: " My sister has all ready gotten in the game and will load his guns if I even discuss anything besides the weather with her. She's really nosed her way into and made things very worse. I feel like I cannot even be safe at all emotionally when around her.SHe's trying to control my split. Yes I'm using chat boards, because she's the only relative in the state I am staying permenently. It's a very confusing lonely time for me. And i wish so much she had a completely supportive attitude. I feel lost and abandoned by her in a time of need.. "

 

Lolly, (Smile) -I am glad that you (at least) found the boards to open up in.

 

As for your sister, -there are so many who have memorized just enough Scripture to complicate and stress the circumstances of others with what they *think* they know.

 

Most do it, though, with the belief that they are 'doing the right thing'.

 

In general, you let them say what they say -and let it pass.

 

If their intervention becomes more active than a mere conversation and a few feather-ruffling statements, -you have to defend your boundaries and re-assert yourself, making them realize that here (><) is where their 'help' ends, and where your own rights and responsibilities regarding your life begin.

 

Sometimes, it takes a few passes before they 'get it', but eventually, they will, if you are persistant and strong enough.

 

Many well-meaning people who quickly point to memorized Scripture in regards to the particularly tough or painful human circumstances of another, without truly having experienced the problem, themselves, often have extracted just enough religious teaching to come across as obnoxious, holier-than-thou, uncompassionate -and whether they realize it or not- even quite ridiculous.

 

Ultimately, it is *you* who will make a decision, bear the responsibility of it, and live with the outcome.

 

I can understand your wanting to hear the thoughts and experiences of others; I can understand completely your need to know that there is, at least, *one* person you can confide in and rely on *in person*, whom you can count on to give you great advice and be a good listener *without* sounding legalistic and accusative.

 

In your situation, (with your sister not likely to change her beliefs) -perhaps, it is best to provide less about your thoughts, feelings, and circumstances to her, for the moment.

 

In closing, I *do* urge you to listen well to the advice given to you from your attorney: it's silly, expensive -and self-defeating- to pay someone for good advice and wind up ignoring it.

 

Keep posting -and I am hopeful that -with all the *good advice* given here in the boards, combined with what you already know, and the input of your lawyer- your situation should improve within the amount of time normally expected out of these types of circumstances.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Lollie72]

Yes, I'm being very careful what I say to whom when it comes to my sister and spouse. I'm only giving my spouse bare bones info. and I'm not actually talking to my sister at all right now. I have other things to contend with(a sprained/or/ broken foot). And my spouse is playing more and more games, he's reacting to what I told him a weeks ago. i had admitted I have feelings for another and instead taking me up on considering going to counseling to try to save the marriage, he's rushing off to try to reconnect with an x in another country to as he as he usually does(Get BACK AT ME). Because it's was allways a "War-rage" instead of a Marriage for him. I'm just trying to figure out how and when to have paper served on him now. Since I was going to do it quickly this week, now he won't be able to accept them until he's back into the country. And the plot with guy #2 is just thickening, because I'm finding myself jealous of his comments and attention to his x'es.

[Gunny376]

My husband is very good in verbal "winning." I was surprised at the beginning so he caught me unprepared. Later my mind started working faster and I managed to beat HIM with arguments. That's when all discussions with him stopped. Now he avoids discussing anything since I usually win, as in he doesn't know what to reply to my well thought arguments. I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to say while he is at work.

 

If you want people to listen to you, you have to let them win. When they win, they might feel sorry for you or at least they heard what you had to say. It's like a game: if you know you will lose, you don't even wanna play or hear the rules.

 

So you let them believe that they are winning, but at the end you put your "ace of spades" on the table and YOU win.

 

Start with stupid arguments and let him be the smartass. Then tell him what you have to say/ask. Think about what you want from him without the accusations and criticism - it's futile at this point and will only result in antagonism.

 

Talk to him about business, not emotions, unless you want him back. I'd suggest that you wait for your lawyer to take place in the whole situation. Don't approach him as an enemy unless you WANT to have HIM as your enemy. In that case, you will get less than you might get if you're friendly and civil.

 

When my ex-BF decided to leave his wife after 8 years, he felt sorry for her and was ready to give her more than belonged to her (they had joint assets, but no children). He told me he loved her, but wasn't in love with her. But she started fighting with him and that reminded him of what a bitch she otherwise was (his words, I am not saying she was, I never met her) and he started hating her. She didn't want to give him a divorce. The he threatened her that he wouldn't give her a get (Jewish divorce done by the Rabi)... Basically it was very nasty and they lived in the same house for 7 months during this process, until the house was sold.

 

I would recommend friendly attitude and counting to 100 and back before you say or do anything. Show respect if you want it back.

 

 

LOL! I would love to have you as a GF ~ just for the mental ~ intellectual chanllenge ~ pursuit. I'm always working on my game when it comes to women. I'm always working on what and how to say something to a given woman in a given environment, under given circumstances.

 

Like most men ~ I love the visual ~ I'm all about women, but a woman with education, knowledge, a mind, a sharp wit, a sharper tounge, grrrrrrrrrrrr! Someone who knows how to play the game of seduction? Who knows I'm trying to seduce her, and she's seducing me (seduction can lead to sex ~ but its not sex for those that don't know! Its the interaction leading up to sex!) Who keeps upping the ante' ~ who makes me work for it! Who I make work for it! That builds it until your having sex standing up against the wall! Building it to passions heat!

 

For other women ~ I hope your taking notes! This gal knows what she's talking about! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Ruffff, ruffff, rufffff!

 

People want what they can't have! People want what is just out of reach! I use to love it when my ex would build passion for days, and turn me away and tell me, "Sorry Baby! It doesn't come that easy! You've got to work for it!" Anything worth having is worth working for. RP knows that the way to work a man ~ is to work his mind, not what's between his legs!

[Gunny376]

When the other person is rearing their claws, and may use anything you say against you, and your about to file for divorce, how does one even communicate with the soon-to-be x at all if the lawyer hasn't stepped in yet to be the safe-sounding board of communication? My spouse is completely verbally combatitive, and I only want the facts to be communicated...and I want to be very careful what ends up as ammunition for his guns so-to-speak. My sister has all ready gotten in the game and will load his guns if I even discuss anything besides the weather with her. She's really nosed her way into and made things very worse. I feel like I cannot even be safe at all emotionally when around her.SHe's trying to control my split. Yes I'm using chat boards, because she's the only relative in the state I am staying permenently. It's a very confusing lonely time for me. And i wish so much she had a completely supportive attitude. I feel lost and abandoned by her in a time of need..

 

Got so wrapped up in RP's post! Wheeeee!

 

Anyway! Simple! Keep your mouth shut.

 

I got caught up in some s***e, was innocent, was facing a "Few Good Men" type court martial in the Marines. A Vietnam Vet took me in and told me:

 

"Keep your damn mouth shut! You don't know s***! Keep your dam mouth shut! Anyone ask you anything ~ you? You don't know s***! Anything you say or do CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU!! Keep your damn mouth S H U T! "

 

I've gone through even more crap. Congressional Investigations, etc,

 

 

Keep your mouth shut!

 

I like you, and I figure you hate me! We're so far on the other end of the spectrumn. The reason I say that is because, well its a generatioal thing! Your West Coast, I'm Redneck ~ Alabama'

 

So? Educate me!

[RecordProducer]

RP knows that the way to work a man ~ is to work his mind, not what's between his legs!

I know, but rarely use my knowledge!

 

 

But you're cute (I'd say horny too ). Thanks for the compliment.